


Maps

by annabananagames



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:07:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 130,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25139731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabananagames/pseuds/annabananagames
Summary: Ellie returns to Jackson after her confrontation with Abby, unsure where she fits in or even belongs anymore. Unsure if she will ever be forgiven or if she can even forgive herself.
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Maria/Tommy (The Last of Us), T - Relationship
Comments: 634
Kudos: 1579





	1. Chapter 1

The raven-haired girl exhaled as she rested her chin on her arms that were already leaning against the side of the lookout. The air was cold and burnt her lungs as she followed with shallow breathes. The coldest weather always seemed to bring the prettiest sunsets with them and that almost made being on watch on those evenings worth it. 

Her brown eyes gazed out on the orange and pink hues blanketing the countryside outside the walls that confined Jackson. The first snow had begun to fall a couple of days ago trading the colors of autumn for stark white. The cold never bothered her. She thought maybe there was a time it had, but that had been a long time ago now and she simply couldn't recall. Her eyes refocused on the snowflakes as they slowly fluttered their way to the ground, catching on the tan skin of her arms and erecting goosebumps in their wake. 

There was another sigh and she closed her eyes. It had been a long time since she had been back in Jackson, but it still never really felt like the home it once had. She had tried her best to make it work but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't forget the past. There was nowhere else for her to go, so she conceded that this was where she had to be. Not just for her sake, but her families. This place was safe. 

She often remembered how hard it had been to leave the place they had made their home but she couldn't dwell on it for too long. The pain was too great and she couldn't continue to open those old wounds. 

"So, Dina...What are you doing tonight?" a deep-voiced male asked as he stepped beside her and rotated, crossing his arms as he rested his back against the rails trying to appear cooler than he in fact was.

Dina blinked slowly, continuing to look at the expanse before her. She knew where this was going and didn't want to deal with it. "Being a mum, Dave" she replied flatly.

"Yeah but I mean, couldn't you like..." Dave began, gesturing with his hands. "Let Jesse's parents have it for the night or something."

"It?" she asked with an offended snort. "You mean JJ? We're kind of a package deal." she rolled her eyes.

There was a long silence that followed. It didn't bother Dina but it clearly was bothering the young boy. 

"Cool." he finally replied, running a hand through his hair. 

"Cool." she replied sarcastically. 

"...He could come." Dave added. "That'd be cool."

Dina snorted and straightened up, turning to look at the boy. "Jesus Christ, Dave. Did you honestly just ask me on a date?"

"Yeah." His cheeks flushed and he looked down. "Like, I'm cool with you being a mum and all."

"Fuck." she whispered amused. "You're young enough to be my brother! I'm not a cougar, Dave." she scoffed. "Really? It?"

Dave pushed off and walked to the other side of the watch tower, clearly his pride was hurting. Dina didn't care. She went back to resting her head on her arms. She wasn't here to stroke his ego and didn't care about whether or not she hurt his feelings.  
No one cared enough not to hurt hers.

Furrowing her brows she gripped the rails she was using for support tight enough to turn her knuckles white. The anger made her chest ache and she found every day it was consuming her more and more. 

"Help!"

She shot up straight, her eyes snapping open, and tried to pinpoint the panicked voice to no avail. It was darker now, and nothing could be made from the trees that surrounded her and enveloped the world in guarded darkness.

"Open the gates! The voice echoed and carried around them from deep within the trees.

"Dina... Did you hear that?" the guard on duty with her stepped up to her side, peering deep into the darkness. "Do you think...?"

Dina reached down and grabbed her rifle, ready for if she needed to use it. "That sounded like Jake. Get down there and open the gates, Dave."

Dave continued trying to make sense of what was happening before him. He had only been on watch a few times since turning 16 and the sounds he was hearing made his skin crawl. 

"But what if it isn't them..." he shook his head, scared of what it was or what could be following if it was in fact the patrol that went out that afternoon.

There was more yelling getting closer except this time it was accompanied by the clicks and screams of the infected.

"I said open the damn gate!" Dina yelled, glancing over at the boy who had still failed to move. 

Dina gave it another moment glancing back out to the nothingness. She could barely make out the shape of figures appearing at the edge of the trees appearing to be running for their life. She only had a short amount of time to decide what to do.

"Fuck!" she growled, shoving the boy out of her way.

This could be a matter of life or death and she didn't have time to fuck around with a scared kid. Reaching the hatch she quickly swung it open and flung herself down to the ground, not worrying about using the rungs of the ladder. She hit the snow with a thud, her ankles aching in shock, the snow barely cushioning the blow. Reaching the crank she threw down her gun and began to turn it with all the strength she had, with everything she could muster, the cold metal stinging her hands. The cold had made it hard to move at first but as she turned it more the easier it became.

By the time the gate had begun to creak open, others had started to gather with their guns at the ready. There was silence between the group as they listened tentatively to the screams and yells on the other side. It would break protocol to open the gate without knowing what was happening on the other side, but she wouldn't have anyone's blood on her hands if she could help it.

"I've got it." a silver-haired male grunted as he took over from Dina, using his muscles to get the crank going a bit faster than what she could manage.

She nodded and again picked up her rifle, steadying it against her shoulder as she took her spot between the center of the gates, watching as it opened. At first, she could only make out a barely visible flame from a torch bobbing from side to side.  
"Let us in!" they continued to scream.

Dina took the first step out of the gate when it was open enough for her to do so. She raised her rifle, took aim, and fired just as a runner appeared behind them. Taking a deep breath she steadied herself and did the same to another coming from their left at them. Her eyes focused on the two men as they stumbled through the snow, tucked between them a lifeless body of another weighing them down. 

She wasn't sure if they were going to make it.

Two more bodies appeared in the tree line, running at pace towards the first three, and as she aimed prepared to fire she peered deeper through her scope noticing that they were the rest of the patrol that had gone out. 

"One. Two. Three. Four." She counted out loud in a breathless whisper. "... Five?" she breathed confused. 

Only four people had gone out that day.

The gate completely opened with a loud thud and she glanced over her shoulder at the small group behind her. She hoped to god it was enough for what was to come. Gunshots and screaming could be heard as they put down any infected that were making their way towards them. There were screams to hurry as the infected seemed relentless but if they did not deal with them all before they reached the gate, Jackson would be compromised.

Dina continued to line up Runners and Clickers in her sight and take them down with deadly accuracy. They were getting closer and it wouldn't be long until they were on them.

"Come on!" Dina yelled as she pushed further out into the snow-covered ground, further from the safety of the walls. The rest of the town followed. She continued to move, taking down any that came out from her flanks. 

"Hurry, get in!" she screamed as the patrol move passed her, heaving their panicked breaths. 

She continued to fire until her rifle only clicked from being empty. With a growl she threw it on the ground and pulled the pistol from her back pocket, aiming and taking down the infected that were getting precariously close until finally there was silence.  
She exhaled the breath she didn't know she had been holding on to and turned around to see the patrol dropping the lifeless body to the ground before them and leaning down to tend to them. Dina wondered if they had been bitten. 

Just as she took her first step back to safety there was a heinous scream and she was tackled to the ground with such force it knocked the wind from her. She instinctively raised her hands in defense and pushed at the face of the infected gnashing at her face. She struggled as hard as she could but her arms were beginning to tire and she momentarily thought how easy it would be to just let it happen. But only briefly. She had her family to protect. 

With all the strength she could muster she shoved it off her, quickly crawling in the snow to her gun. She had just turned and aimed when it bore down on her again. She fired one shot, quickly followed by another but still, it lunged at her. She went to fire the third and the gun jammed. 

This was it. 

There was a loud bang as a bullet struck the infected through the side of the head. She tilted her head back, looking to the smoke from the top of the watchtower and Dave leaning over the side to see if she was okay.  
"Fuck." she whispered breathlessly as she closed her eyes and dropped her head back into the snow. 

She rubbed the back of her neck as she walked back through the gates, the man from earlier already beginning to close the gate behind her. She was tired now and just wanted to go home.

"No, she's not dead... yet. Get Maria, we need to get her to the clinic."

Her.

Her breath hitched in her chest. Only men had gone on patrol and the fifth they had brought back was a girl. She had momentarily forgotten about the body that had been dumped in the snow. Cautiously she walked up to the men tending to her, at first she peered over until she could see. They were dressed in fairly normal winter attire, appearing to be just like them. A khaki jacket and blue jeans. There was blood stained on to her clothes. Not just fresh but older and Dina couldn't tell if it was hers or someone else. Her eyes followed the length of her body to her ripped jeans before falling on black converse sneakers...

Her breath caught in her throat.

It couldn't be.

It was when they finally rolled her over that it became painfully clear.

"Ellie..." she whispered only audible for her to hear.


	2. Chapter 2

There was only black at first. 

She was content with that. Even felt safe in that. It had been such a natural occurrence for her that she found some kind of comfort in it.

However, there was a faint humming that was slowly pulling her towards it. She wasn't sure what it was until she began to hear it more clearly. She was uncertain at first but she found herself searching for it. It was a strange yet familiar tune and she found comfort in it.

_"Talking away, I don't know what I'm to say..."_

There was a long pause and she found herself impatiently waiting for the next line. The pain she felt was for the moment kept at bay.

"I'll say it anyway, today's another day to find you."

She furrowed her brows, clenching her eyes shut as tight as she could, willing herself to be able to open them so she could lay them on the voice that was enchanting her. The voice was soft and calm, and barely spoke the words above a whisper but it was enough for her to hear. 

Enough to keep her captivated.

She tried to lift her arms but to no avail. Next, she tried her legs and just barely managed to wiggle her toes. It wasn't much but it was a start. 

_"Shying away... I'll be coming for your love, okay."_

She willed her body to scream, to say anything to let them know that she was still here, that she was awake but nothing would happen. 

_"Take on me."_

_"Take me on."_

_"I'll be gone, in a day or two."_

Finally, she managed to ball her hands into tight fists, clenching the sheets at her side. They felt soft in her callused hands. It had been a long time since she had felt such comfort. She was used to sleeping on the run. Up against walls or on concrete floors. She didn't often have the security of a blanket.

There was a brief pang of fear as she realized she had no idea where she was but it was quick to be subdued as the singing continued.

_"Needless to say, I'm odds and ends but I'll be..."_

There was a pause as it sounded like a hitch in their voice. She wanted to tell them to keep going, but no words would leave her lips. 

_"Stumbling away. Slowly learning that life is okay."_

They finally managed, regaining composure. 

_"Say after me."_

Her face scrunched up in pain as she manages to slowly open one emerald green eye. The light burned her vision and she found herself having to close it again but she pushed on, opening it back up and willing the brightness to subside so she could focus on what was around her.

Slowly but surely things came back in to focus and as she tilted her head to the side she was able to make out a small figure sitting beside her. She could only see her back, her raven-haired tied into a loose bun on her head.

_"It's no better to be safe than sorry."_

She wanted to speak but only found herself grimacing in pain as she tried to sit up, to get the attention she craved from the girl before her. 

She fell back down and the girl before her turned around.

"Dina?"

"Oh, Ellie..." she whispered, rushing to her side. 

Ellie smiled as she closed her heavy eyes. She was safe.

Everything again was dark.

* * *

Her eyes snapped open and this time she was only meant with deafening silence and the darkness of night. With a groan, she turned her head to the side to focus on the only light in the room coming from a flickering candle. It only took her a moment to realize where she was. She was in the infirmary back in Jackson. Unsure how she got here she racked her brain, trying to recall any detail she could.

She remembered wandering aimlessly, hurt, hungry, tired, alone. Trying to get back to Jackson, wanting to be back with her. 

Dina.

Ellie took a deep, chesty breath and stared up to the ceiling, remembering earlier when she had heard Dina singing. Nothing had sounded more perfect to her in all her time on this planet. She wanted to tell her, but Dina wasn't here now.   
And why would she be?

The auburn-haired girl frowned, remembering just exactly what she had done. It's not like she would ever let herself forget.

Of course, Dina wouldn't be here. She would be at home with her family. A family that didn't desert her. Not like she had done. 

"You're awake." a firm female voice stated, the heels of her boots clicking on the floor as she approached the bed.

"I feel like death." Ellie groaned, raising her hand to her forehead in a bid to cease the incessant pounding. "How long have I been out for?"

"A long while." Maria smiled, taking the empty chair next to her bed. "We've all been worried about you. You gave us all quite the fright."

"What happened?" Ellie asked, doing her best to prop her broken body up a bit. At that point, she noticed the cast on her arm. Her frown deepened realizing how weak she currently was.

Maria only shook her head. "I only know what the patrol knows. They said they were attacked and out of nowhere, gunshots took the infected down... You came wandering out of the trees and just collapsed. You're lucky to be alive, Ellie."

She gave a small nod in understanding, trying to make sense of it all. "Thank you." she finally managed to croak out.

"You just rest." Maria hummed, placing her hand on Ellie's wrist before lifting herself to her feet.

"Maria..." Ellie began, struggling to find the words. "Dina is she here."

The blonde woman took a deep breath and sat back down, looking upon Ellie with sympathy. "She is."

"I want to see her." the young girl mumbled, looking down at the sheet that covered her, doing everything in her power not to meet the gaze of Maria.

There was a silence before she dares speak again. 

"Do you think she wants to see me?" she asked, unsure of herself.

"Ellie... You really hurt her, you know?" Maria asked, burning holes into Ellie with her gaze. "I don't think it's really going to be that easy to seek forgiveness."

Tears welled in Ellie's eyes and she wrinkles her nose with a sniff as she pushed them away. "I know."

Maria again gave Ellie's wrist a tight supportive squeeze before she stood to walk off.

"It's good to have you back, Ellie. I hope you'll stick around."

* * *

Dina pressed her lips to the top of her baby's head, lightly jiggling him in her arms in an attempt to keep him asleep. Placing him in the bed, she reached down and ran the back of her hand over his fat cheek. He was growing up so fast and there was nothing she could do to slow it down. She smiled as she looked down at his content face, finally leaning down to place a kiss on his forehead before tucking him in.  
"Sweet dreams, spud."

She took a deep breath and rubbed at the back of her neck, closing the bedroom door slowly behind her to not make a sound and wake JJ. 

Stopping in front of the mirror in the hall, she gazed upon herself with a sigh. She was tired. She looked tired. She hadn't looked like she had aged a day since they packed up all her belongings and moved back to Jackson, but she certainly felt an eternity older.

Finally leaving had been one of the hardest days of her life. She told Ellie she wouldn't do it again, yet she still found herself pathetically waiting like a kicked puppy. Every knock at the door, every gust of wind rattling the gates that surrounded the farm, hell even when JJ appeared to be talking to someone but nobody was there she found herself looking in that direction, hoping that Ellie had realized that this was what was important and had returned to her.

That she mattered.

She huffed and stepped away from the mirror, continuing to the kitchen.

She never mattered.

Reaching into the cabinet she grabbed a tumbler, followed by the bottle of gin sitting on the shelf beside it, and took a seat at the table pouring herself a generous serve.

She took a long swig, allowing the liquid to burn her throat and coat her insides with its warmth. Anything to drown the numb she felt these days. It wasn't much, but it helped. 

Looking down her eyes fell to the tattered book that sat on her table. She reached out for it, sliding it across the table in front of her she ran her fingertips over the cover. Taking a deep breath she brought the glass to her lips and swallowed the remaining alcohol before pouring herself a new one.

"Ellie's journal." Dina whispered to herself, almost daring herself to open it.

Of course, she had read her journal before. There were times Ellie would allow her to read it. The auburn girl was never good with her words so that was her way of trying to let Dina know what she was feeling. But that was a long time ago. Things were different now and it wasn't any of her business to have this.

Yet that didn't stop her. She had still taken it from her backpack that day they had found her.

Pulling a face she flicked open the cover as quickly as she could before she lost her nerve. Taking another drink she slowly flipped the pages, taking in the pictures, and trying to get to ones she had not seen before. 

She found herself smiling every time her name was mentioned. Or there was a sketch of her or JJ or them as a family.

At the same time, she found herself frowning, remembering just what Ellie had done to her. 

Angry at the dangerous situations that Ellie had put herself in and written about. 

Upset at the written questions of forgiveness. 

Dina cried that night as she packed up the tear-stained journal and tucked it away. 

* * *

  
Ellie spent a further week in the hospital recovering from her injuries. If she had had it her way, she would have been out of there the day she woke up. She didn't like people fussing over her and she certainly didn't want to appear weak to anyone. 

But every time she had argued or attempted to leave, it always seemed to get back to Maria who would come to give her a stern talking to. If there was anyone's bad side you didn't want to be on, it was hers. So Ellie for the most part did what she was told, unable to fight back nor wanting to. She just wanted to get back into life here, anything to keep her busy and her mind off Dina and what she had done.

And the fact she hadn't come to see her once.

Maybe this was it. Maybe this was all she deserved.

So when the day came to leave the clinic, no one was more elated than Ellie. Finally dressed she jumped off the bed, internally wincing as she landed too rough on her sprained ankle. A move that wasn't missed by Jackson's leading lady.  
"Ellie," she warned. "Use your crutch. You're not going to get better if you don't take care of yourself."

Ellie gave a small snort in response and took the crutch from her hands, tucking it under the armpit and leaning on it for support. "Yes, Maria."

"Good." she smiled and rested her hand on her shoulder. "All your stuff has been taken back to your house. Do you need me to walk you there? Or I can get someone else to."

Ellie shook her head.

"Alright... Now, you let me know if there is anything you need." Maria studied the girl before her, unsure she was taking any of it on board. "Ellie, I mean it. Let us know if we can help."

"Maria..." Ellie began. "I just want to get back to work."

The older woman gave a hearty laugh. "When you can walk without that." she started, gesturing towards the crutch. "We can look at giving you some jobs. Until then, go get better."

* * *

Everything was overwhelming. 

The people. This place. The noise. The lights.

She had been on her own for so long that everything grated at her soul. Her breath quickened with every moment out in the streets and she panicked, disorientated trying to find her way back home.

She stopped in front of a house, her cold eyes holding the attention of the door. 

She hadn't meant to come here.

But she couldn't stop herself. With the crutch for support, she limped her way painfully up the stairs to the front door. She was unsure how long she had been standing there before she finally knocked. all the nerves hit her at once. What was she doing?  
It was too late though. She heard the footsteps and she was much too crippled to be able to get away before the door opened before her. 

Dina stood before her and she felt everything in her crumble. She felt her face wavering and it took everything in her to stop her bottom lip trembling.

The silence was deafening.

"Dina..." Ellie began, unsure where to start or where to finish.

The black-haired girl before her crossed her arms over her chest defensively and looked coldly on her.

That hurt her more than she would ever be able to articulate.

"Wondered how long it would take you to come here. So you're all better now?" Dina asked, her stance unwavering.

Ellie nervously looked down. She had that hold over her. One look sending her into a nervous wreck. She fought hard to find the words but her mouth had never felt drier.

"Dina, I'm Sor..." she began.

"Look. Whatever you have to say, I don't want to hear it," she spoke, her voice detached.

"But, Dina..."

"Fuck Ellie!" Dina cut her off, raising her hands up in exasperation. "I don't want to fucking hear it. Do you understand what you did?"

Ellie stared at the ground, fiddling with her fingers. "I had to."

"You didn't have to fucking do anything."

"I want to make things right."

Dina was about to yell, scream even but with a deep breath, she waited until Ellie finally met her gaze.

"You had me. Us. JJ. We were a family. You had it all and you left. I begged you to stay and you left. You let her be more important than us." She reached her hands out and shoved the taller girl in the shoulder, her anger getting the better of her. "Do you understand how fucked that is?"

Ellie gave a small nod. She couldn't argue. "She wasn't more important than you."

"Then why couldn't you stay?"

Ellie shook her head. She couldn't explain why and she wasn't sure Dina would understand. Just like old times, she was left without words to fill the silence.

"Just go." Dina finally added, sounding more dejected than Ellie had ever heard. 

Ellie furrowed her brows and gave a small nod to her request, ready to turn around. "For what it's worth, I am sorry."

Dina shook her head. "I'm glad you're not dead, Ellie." with that she closed the door.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a torturous two weeks of menial labor before Maria gave the okay for her to be allowed out on patrol. All her wounds were mostly healed. Her ankle only ached when it was cold so she was able to ditch the crutch. Her arm was still in a cast but it didn't affect her much.

For two weeks she mainly swept the stable and cared for the horses. She was able to use the broom to support her but the everyday motions still destroyed her. By the time she finished, she was exhausted but she welcomed that. When she was tired she didn't think as much before she was able to fall asleep. Not that she slept much at all these days. She was able to get passed Joel's death but it was now the small raven haired girl that haunted her.

Her time back in Jackson had been uneventful. She got up early. She went to work. She finished work. Went to the bar. Drank a lot. Went home. Rinse and repeat. She used to think so little of Seth for doing the same.

"That fucking bigot." she mused to herself.

Nothing was more pathetic to her but now she understood him on a different level then what she ever could before. 

She continued to sweep the stable floor, moving around the loose bits of hay and dirt.

She had fought so hard to get back here. Fighting hordes of infect, but here she was, too scared to cross paths with a girl. 

Not just any girl, she thought. The scariest, she agreed with a nod.

Occasionally she would see Dina. Sometimes she would awkwardly stumble out a hello to only be met with silence. But mostly whenever Dina saw her, she would turn the other way. On the odd occasion, she saw JJ from a distance and her heart would ache for a life she used to have, but she was the one that threw that all away. She was still however thankful that they were both okay.

She thought about leaving sometimes. Thought that it would make it easier for everyone to move on. She knew that Dina was okay now and that there was no chance for them so what did she have to stick around for? She tried to pretend that those were the reasons for her leaving but she knew she couldn't. There was still an ounce of selfishness in her being. A part of her that hoped, that prayed that things would be different.

Ellie pulled a face. She was never one to pray, didn't believe in it. But she would remember times when Dina had told her that she had prayed. For Joel, or when they left for Seattle. Maybe whoever was up there might hear hers one day.

As she finished sweeping the stable the last of the patrol came in, riding their horses in to put them away for the night. Ellie smiled and waved as they slid off the horses and walked them towards their stalls. It was then Ellie caught sight of Dina. It was too late to pretend that she hadn't seen her.

Instead of running, she offered a sad smile. "I can put him away for you if you like? So you can get home to J."

Dina froze, glancing down at the reins in her hand before handing them to Ellie in a balled-up fist. "Thanks." she muttered, brushing past her. 

Ellie closed her eyes. It was pathetic but any contact gave her a glimmer of warmth in her body. "C'mon." Without turning around she leads the horse to it's stable to get it settled for the night.

Dina glanced over her shoulder at the once strong girl who was a shadow of her former self. Gauntly thin and tired. Shaking her head she turned back around continuing home. Every opportunity it broke her heart all over again.

Ellie sighed as she lifted the saddle of the brown horse and hefted it over the side of the stall. Grabbing the brush she began to run it over the horse's hair, gently brushing off all the dirt and grime from the day. 

"Did you have a good day with D, boy?" she whispered quietly as she gently caressed his mane. "I hope you took good care of her." 

Ellie smiled softly as she continued to take care of the horse, quietly talking to it. Most would probably think she was crazy, and to some extent, she was sure she was but this was the closest connection she had to her ex-girlfriend. Dina loved this horse and so Ellie loved this horse.

Ellie gave it a scratch on the neck and the horse neighed in response. "You like that, huh? Well, if you continue to bring her home safely there will be more of that for you." 

She chuckled, giving him a firm pat. The horse turned and nudged her, rubbing his nose against her pants.

"Oh, I get it." She quipped. "I know what you want." 

Reaching into her back pocket she pulled out a carrot she had been saving and held it up for the horse to eat which he gratefully took with excited whinnies. 

"I see how it is. You're just using me for food." Ellie smiled, leaving the stall to grab a bucket full of oats to fill his food bucket. "I'll see you tomorrow, Japan."

* * *

She should have gone home to shower, she desperately needed it after mucking around in the stables all day but she found herself dragging her tired body to the bar. It was her routine after all and in the routine, she found some comfort. She didn't need to ask for a drink, it was just placed in front of her as she took a seat at the counter at the very end of the bar, right out of anyone's sight. 

"Ellie." Cat nodded.

She nodded back in acknowledgment and brought the straight alcohol to her lips. It didn't burn anymore like it used to. Instead, it just filled a void. She wasn't sure what she would prefer more, if she could still feel it corroding her from the inside out or if it was better that she could drink more while being blissfully unaware.

"You smell like..." Cat paused, pulling a face. "Horse shit."

She hadn't spoken much to Cat since she had been back. The black haired girl had served her almost every night but had only ever made small talk. Ellie thought it must have been due to the fact that she was her ex, or that she had heard what she had done to Dina but conceded to the fact that she more than likely wasn't very good company. Maybe it was both. 

Ellie looked up and smiled warily at her.

Cat had always been beautiful in the way that Ellie understood to be 'exotic' from books she had read. Slim with black hair, even brown eyes, and a smile that would make even the hardest of men break. But Cat also had tattoos. Ones that danced up her arm into a sleeve, tattoos of things that she cherished and held dear. An insight into her rebellious side. 

She had been the one to give Ellie her own tattoo. She had helped her design it and work it in a way that would hide the chemical burn and everything underneath that shamed her. 

Ellie pretended not to notice the addition of the moth on her wrist, and Cat never mentioned it.

"I'd say you were scaring away the customers if you weren't solely supporting this place with your drinking habit." she winked, begging for a response. A glimmer of the Ellie she used to know.

Looking down at the glass, she moved it in her hand and stared as the liquid sludged around in it. She would get lost in this for hours, contemplating all the wrong she had done, trying to find some right. She didn't have her journal anymore to confide in. She wasn't sure when she had lost it. so now she just kept everything pent up.

"Tough crowd, eh?"

Ellie finished her drink and only raised her hand for another.

And another.

It was hard to talk to her like nothing had happened.

There was a rustle beside her as someone claimed the stool. She didn't bother looking from her drink. Instead, she brought it to her lips and continued to look down.   
"I'll have what she's having." the girl requested a hint of tenseness in her tone. 

Ellie finally looked up from her drink at the girl beside her, unsure why she had chosen to sit so close. Did she want to sit this close to her? Panning around it didn't take her long to see that she had no other option. The place was packed.

"Sorry. I can go." Ellie murmured, resting her hands on the bar ready to push herself up to leave. The last thing she wanted to do was cause her any more pain.

"Stay." Dina replied flatly, looking down at her drink before lifting it to her lips, the words taking her back to the last time she had asked her to. 

It was cruel.

Ellie nodded and moved her hands back around her glass. She kept her eyes fixed down, scared to make any sort of contact with the beautiful girl beside her. Worried that if she did she would see all the weakness behind her eyes. See how wet they were.

It was pathetic.

Dina had always been different from Cat. Maybe that's why they had never gotten along.

Dina was dark where Cat was light. She had hair as dark as the longest night and was both moody and calm, mysterious, and an open book. Her moods seemed to change almost as fast as the seasons did but she had always had a soft spot for Ellie.

Dina didn't speak to Ellie, only brought the glass to her lips in slow, even sips. Her steely eyes fixed down.

When Dina was mad she was an unstoppable force that made everyone clear a path for her, but when she smiled she would melt even the deepest snow. When they were kids and Ellie fucked up she had always had a reassuring smile ready and an understanding that she could never remain mad at the older girl.

They weren't kids anymore though.

Ellie couldn't fall back on that fact anymore. They had been through too much together for her discrepancies not to matter in her eyes.

The two women didn't speak. 

Dina simply finished her drink stepped away from the table and left. She couldn't tell Dina how painful everything was.

"Yeesh" Cat walked back over, wiping a glass with a rag. "That was hard to watch."

Ellie looked up, glaring warningly at her.

The dark haired girl smiled and held up her hands. "Just calling it how I see it, Champ."

Ellie shook her head before dropping it to the table with a thud. "She won't even talk to me."

Cat flicked her in the head with her fingers. "Why do you think that is, you idiot?"

"I know." Ellie groaned. "Doesn't make it any easier."

* * *

Exhaling deeply, Dina gripped the journal tightly in her hand so hard the taught skin on her hands began to turn white.

She was angry.

She wasn't sure why she had gone to the bar, nor why she had even sat beside Ellie. When she had heard from Maria that that was how Ellie spent every night she felt the need to go see for herself. It had taken a long time to build up the courage to.  
She looked just as pathetic as Dina had pictured.

And she was fucking angry.

She sighed, resigning to the fact that she was angrier with herself for allowing herself to feel comfort from sitting beside her. For allowing herself to pretend for a moment that everything hadn't turned to shit and that they could be a happy family again.  
She sniffed hard, fighting back the tears that had formed in her eyes as she opened the journal, staring hard at the words Ellie had written.

_"Still in this fucking basement. The batteries in my flashlight are almost done. The dark is fucking with me. I keep seeing him. Smelling iron. I miss Dina. I miss Potato. What am I doing here?"_

Dina angrily turned the page, ignoring the tears that had fallen and stained the paper.

Ellie didn't have the right to even entertain the fact that she missed Dina and her baby. She wasn't even certain she believed the words that Ellie had written on the page. Just a vain attempt at self-pity when she realized she might die there.

It didn't even matter to Dina that she was doubting herself. She hadn't doubted herself to even stay until the morning when they could discuss the whole situation. Maybe if Ellie had cared more for her she would have given her the respect she deserved in giving her an explanation.

If Ellie had just opened up to her she could have helped her come to terms with Joel's death. If she had just trusted her enough to help.

She had spent countless nights waiting up for her to return when something had triggered her and she had wondered off instead of talking about it. Every time she came home she had welcomed her with open arms, leading her to bed and showering her with protective kisses until she'd fallen asleep.

Dina would have done anything for her.

But that had never been enough. 

Her love had never been enough to heal Ellie's wounds. They just festered around her like a bad smell until something had to give. 

She sighed, running her fingers over the rough pages. She had read them too many times.

_"I wish Dina could see this."_

But it was always the last page that made her angrier than all the previous ones. She slammed the book shut, promising herself that she would never pick it up again.

She knew that was a lie.

* * *

Ellie lifted the hoe above her head and brought it down as hard as her weak arms would allow her. She didn't have the strength she once used to but she tried not to dwell on that too much. She used to hate farm rotation, but now she actually kind of liked it. 

It reminded her of home.

"Hey, kiddo..." a gruff voice spoke, the sound of his footsteps getting closer as they crunched into the dirt.

"Hey, Tommy..." Ellie muttered, lifting the hoe again to continue digging her hole.

"They have you working hard, don't they? Thought Maria would have given you a break." he rubbed awkwardly at the back of his neck.

"I asked for more work." Ellie shrugged, standing up straight to wipe the sweat from her brow with the back of her arm. "Needed to keep busy."

"I can understand that... It's hard for me with this leg." he gestured down which had been crippled in Seattle. "But I do what I can. Look, I just wanted to say sorry... Sorry for not coming to see you sooner."

Ellie watched as he looked down, knowing that he wanted to ask, wanted to know what she had done. 

Tommy wasn't the same broken man he had been when he showed up to the farm that day. He appeared to have grown and moved on from that part of his life. She wondered if Maria had had something to do with it. If it had been easy for him to put that part of his life behind him.

It made Ellie angry to think about. 

At what point had he given up on avenging his brother? When he had sent her to do it? Or like her, did he just realize that killing Abby never would have fixed anything.

"I'm sure you've been busy."

"I just wasn't sure you'd want to see me, is all. After what I did."

Ellie shrugged. "It's in the past."

"I don't think I could have looked at you neither." he finally spoke again after a moment of silence. "Reminded me too much of Joel."

Ellie furrowed her brow and picked up her tool, kicking the dirt she had pulled out of the way. 

"I don't much think that's a bad thing now. Maria told me it was okay to see the best parts in other people." he shrugged at her back in return. "She's really good at listening. Have you... got someone you can talk to?"

Ellie again slammed the tool into the ground, before looking up to Tommy with a scowl. 

"I reckon if you need to, I'm always here... y'know, to talk to?"

"I don't need to talk to anyone. I'm fine."

"Well, alright...." he again rubbed at the back of his neck, a nervous habit. "Maria said you were itching to get back on patrol?"

Ellie nodded, meeting Tommy's eye. "Yeah. I'm just feeling a bit trapped here," she muttered. "Would be nice to get out of these walls."

"Maria reckons you're not ready yet, I'm not sure if you're ready yet either... but I managed to talk her around."

Ellie looked up, a faint smile on her face. "Does that mean?"

"Yeah, kid. You can head out tomorrow with the rest of them."

She nodded.

"I know I don't need to tell you to be careful." he laughed before turning to walk away with a wave over his shoulder.

"Hey, Tommy..." Ellie spoke, causing him to look back at her. "Thank you."

She wasn't sure how easy it would be, but she knew she had to forgive him. If she couldn't then how could she expect anyone else to?

* * *

Ellie was exhausted.

Both mentally and physically.

She had been so busy trying to keep herself so preoccupied so that she didn't have time to think that she wasn't sure the last time she had had a good night's sleep. Sleeping wasn't something that came easy to her these days. She was too haunted by everything she had done to the wrong people. By the people, she had killed with her own hands.

Sometimes when she looked down she still saw the blood on them.

She shook her head, clearing the mental image from it before bringing her drink to her lips. It wasn't healthy but it was her crutch and everyone had their vice.

She hadn't been at the bar long when again, a certain black hair woman sat beside her.

Ellie raised the glass to her lips. The silence killed her but it was better than her wondering where Dina was or who she was with.

It wasn't much but it was better than nothing.

"You drink too much." Dina finally spoke, raising her own glass to her lips.

Ellie released a sigh nodded in acknowledgment like a scolded child.

Dina certainly wasn't wrong. For every drink she had, Ellie had two or three. But what else was she meant to do?

"Are you a mute now?" A quip that typically would have been said with a laugh was said with such flatness it caused Ellie to internally wince.

Taking another drink, she allowed it to settle in her gut before she finally replied. "No."

Dina continued to stare down at her glass. "You're back on patrol tomorrow, right?"

Ellie gave a small nod.

"Do you still have a death wish?" Dina asked, for the first time turning her face to meet Ellies.

It was too much for the auburn girl. She continued to focus on her glass. "No."

"That's good. We don't need anyone else to have to risk their lives dragging you home."

Ellie frowned and threw back the rest of her drink. She blinked hard, refusing to let her emotions get the better of her. Not in front of Dina. She didn't need that patheticness. She knew that statement wasn't fair, but it was justified.

Hesitant at first, Dina reached out and placed her small hand on Ellie's wrist, feeling her tense underneath. "No more. Go home."

Ellie bit the inside of her cheek and hummed slightly before giving a small nod and turning in the stool to get up. Still she refused to look at the black-haired girl. She rose to her feet, stumbling forward ever so slightly but regained composure and walked out the door.

She felt way too sorry for herself to argue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up until today, I didn't even know Ellie had a sketch in her journal of Cat... So she's just based on some stories I've read.


	4. Chapter 4

When Ellie returned from her first patrol, she found herself in the same familiar routine. She was exhausted but it all had taken it's toll mentally on her. Nothing exceptionally exciting had happened, the whole trip had been rather redundant, actually. There were no infected and nothing to gather. She wondered if Tommy has sent her on such a boring patrol on purpose.

She kept to herself, despite numurous attempts at a conversation from the people she was with. They didn't know her, they didn't know what she had done. It didn't make it any easier to connect with them.

She had a headache. The pain radiating through her skull incessantly and she willed it to go away but it never did. She briefly thought about going to the clinic but knew she might see Dina there and as much as she loved that girl an awkward encounter was the last thing she needed today.

Today had been particularly hard.

As she trudged along in the snow, cold and miserable she thought of Joel. Snow had never brought good things for them. It was always the beginning of something terrible. 

The anniversary of his death was coming up.

Ellie couldn't believe it had almost been a year since that day. It still felt like just yesterday, raw and angry emotion still came over her at the thought of him lying there bloody and broken. She wished she could put him back together then, so her final picture of him wasn't his brains hanging out of his skull.

She wasn't sure she would have ever been able to look him in the eye, though.

She sighed, allowing a heavy heave of her chest with it as if sending the emotions away from her body. She still felt the anger of it all every day but she was getting better at letting it go.

It wasn't the same kind of anger anymore. It was no longer laced with guilt.

She felt agitated as climbed up on the stool at the bar. Rubbing the back of her neck she trieid to shake loose the nagging feeling of dread creeping through her being.

She wondered if she would see Dina again tonight. She sound of her taking a seat next to her would surely be enough to fix her quickly unraveling soul.

There was a shift in routine this time though for the two. 

This time Dina didn't sit with her, but with friends at the other side of the bar, as far away from her as she could get. 

Ellie balled her hands in to tight fists as she downed her drink. She wasn't sure what upset her more, the fact that Dina was having a good time or that she wasn't giving her the comfort she needed. Both were equally selfish prospects but she didn't care.  
She sat there, feeling her face burn hot as she simmered with her internal rage, the pounding in her skull consuming all of her thoughts. 

She knew she could have left at any point, removed herself from the situation and not let it stew but that would require her to have an ounce less self deprication. And she certainly didn't have that.

She found herself stealing glances. Pangs of jealousy rolled through her body every time she heard her laugh or saw her touch any of the people she was with. More so when they touched her.

She wondered if Dina knew how much it affected her, how angry it all made her. Surely she did. There was no way she couldn't, right? 

Ellie shook her head. Maybe she didn't care anymore if she hurt her feelings.

She brought the liquid to her lips, each gulp taking in more than the previous. 

She wished that she could find the words to tell Dina just what had happened while she was away. She had been determined to end it, but truthfully the second she had walked out that door she had wanted to go back. Pride, anger and hatred were what was driving her. She didn't only want to finally have her revenge but the more distance she put between her and Dina, the more she wanted to prove that she wasn't going to die. To prove that she was strong enough to fix herself.

Prove that if it came down to it again she would be able to save him...

In some fucked up way she wanted to show that she could protect her. She couldn't save Joel, she couldn't save Jesse, she couldn't even save Dina back then. If Abby hadn't have had a change of heart, she would have killed Dina too.

Would it change anything is she knew that she hadn't gone through with it?

No, Jesse and Joel hadn't intended on dying like she had pointed out to her with words that stung and pushed her over the edge, but she wasn't Jesse or Joel. 

Sincerely she had thought that taking Abby's life as payment for taking Joel's would make her whole. Would fill the void that his death had left. Would clear her of any guilt that remained. That it would make her life matter. She knew how stupid that was now. 

Even as she went to Santa Barbara she knew that her heart wasn't in it anymore but she couldn't turn back. It was too late to turn back.

She had to do it for Joel, or Tommy, or whatever she had convinced herself it was for. She wasn't even certain anymore.

Ellie smiled to herself. Only now did she understand that that was something Joel never would have wanted.

Joel had been a bastard, but he was a good man. A fair man.

Taking a deep breath she closed her eyes, allowing the alcohol to consume her with it's familiar buzz as she remembered how fond Joel had been of Dina. She fondly remembered their last conversation after the dance. If she had had known it was the last time she would see him whole, she would have told him everything she had been holding in. 

It was too late after that. 

She pictured how he would scold her now for what she had done. She'd like to think she would feel okay with visiting his grave one day soon.

Turning her head to the side just enough to be inconspicuous she opened her eyes again and watched as Dina's company held her attention. It was just her and a man now, the rest having dipped out a long while ago. She hadn't known how long she had been there for but she figured it was late by the lack of people now present.

She turned her head back to her drink and again closed her eyes again. Hearing Dina's laugh was both pleasant and painful to her soul. It was the most beautiful thing she had heard, yet it didn't carry the same merit when it wasn't her who was making her laugh.

There was a sound of a chair squeling as it was dragged across the wooden floor in front of her. Every noise took her one step closer to breaking, her head feeling like it was ready to explode. A plate clanked down in front of her and when she opened her eyes there was a hot pile of scrambled eggs. She looked up confused as Cat sat opposite her. 

"You come in here every night but I don't think I've ever seen you eat something." her sweet voice stated, staring at the girl before her.

Ellie looked up and met her gaze. It was friendly and seemed genuinely caring "I know." Ellie mumbled in response. "I can't eat this though, Cat."

The girl huffed at her. "Come on, Ellie. When was the last time you ate? You look like you could use a good meal."

"Don't start with me, now." Ellie groaned. "We had a good thing going. I ask for a drink, you give me a drink. Let's go back to that."

Cat shook her head. "If you want another drink, you have to eat something. New rules." she shrugged unapologetically.

There was a sigh. "You can't just make up new rules whenever you feel like it."

"Go somewhere else then." Cat smiled, knowing full well there was no where else to go.

Ellie glanced down at the plate in front of her. She didn't feel much of an appetite anymore and eating anything other than a few bites made her feel sick but she briefly considered it before turning her nose up at the offer. Putting her hand to the plate she slide it back across the bench towards Cat. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cat asked, motioning with her head towards Dina who still sat with her male company.

"Not in the least." Ellie replied, bringing her glass to her lips and finishing the last of the liquid inside. 

"I haven't seen Dina smile in a long time. It's nice actually seeing her unwind a little. She's been uptight for the longest time." Cat shrugged, again unapologetically. 

She frail girl shook her head, shooting Cat a menacing look, warning her not to continue.

"I know deep down you just want her to be happy, Ellie." Cat began, picking up the plate and moving it away from between them. "Are you going to tell me you got selfish while you were away? I know that her happiness was all you ever wanted. Are you going to tell me the fact that it's not with you changes that fact?"

Ellie balled her hand in to a fist and brought it down hard on the bar counter, causing everything to rattle with a bang. She glared at the girl before her before she became painfully aware that everyone was staring. 

Cat however wasn't shocked, she only watched on sympathetically.

Ellie had scared herself in that moment, the clattering of the ceramic and glass snapping her out of her daze. She mumbled a small apology as she lifted herself out of her seat and after one more glance at her ex girlfriend who was staring at her along with everyone else, she shook her head before she walked out the bar door.

She didn't go back the next few nights. Too ashamed of her own feelings.


	5. Chapter 5

Spring came fast to Jackson after a particularly hard winter. 

The harsh sun melted the snow into puddles on the ground, bringing with it new life. The trees had begun to regain their foliage and the once brown grass was beginning to turn a vibrant green, bringing with it new spring flowers. The farm animals too had begun having their babies creating an exciting buzz around town.

Jackson was growing and becoming the place that Tommy and Maria envisioned it be. Joel too, at one point.  
  
It seemed every day more and more people were arriving. Bringing their families and supplies. Just generally happy to have a reprieve from the world outside their walls.  
  
Ellie stuffed her hands in her pockets, hanging her head as she walked down the street. Carelessly walking through the puddles she frowned when the water saturated her socks. There were lots of people she didn't recognize anymore, nor did she take the time to get to know them. She knew that she needed to make more of an effort, but she didn't have it in her yet.

Tommy had been giving her a hard time about it lately. Ellie knew that as Joel's brother her only wanted the best for her. He had said that people were beginning to look to her for leadership and that she needed to take the next step and be that leader that he knew she could be. She couldn't see it herself though. She wasn't fit to lead anyone.

She had met a few of them on patrol, however. There in her element was she able to get to know them better. It was easier when she was out doing something she loved, that she believed in. She took the safety of the town seriously and while everyone was aware she was still grieving they stayed out of her way and allowed her to do that on her own terms mostly.

Only on the odd occasion had anyone ever broached the subject with her. After one too many tense situations had it become a mutual understanding between her and the town to just not talk about.

She retreated further into Joel's old jacket for warmth. Though it was heating up, the mornings were still cool. It didn't help that she didn't have anything on her thin frame to aid her in keeping warm. 

Mornings were the hardest for Ellie. It afforded her too much time to dwell on things that she couldn't change. 

When the warmth of spring came, it always brought with it more infected. She wasn't sure that they felt the cold anymore but it definitely slowed them down. The warmth brought them to life and they appeared in greater numbers. They were also much more aggressive. 

The time after winter was never as pleasant as nature made it out to be.

She arrived at the stables for her morning patrol. It was now that they increased their patrol numbers and size. The start of spring it was all hands on deck. Ellie was thankful for the increased number of times she was allowed to go out. Out of the walls felt more like home to her these days. The feeling of freedom from these confines had always called to her.

She wondered if it was possible to go out there again and not come back. She didn't think it was. As alone as she felt here, she had never felt more alone out there. She didn't think she had it in her to survive anymore.

Reaching the stables she made her first stop by Dina's horse. She smiled as she gave him a pat on the nose and he neighed in response.

"I know what you want." she smiled as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a carrot for the horse, offering it to him. "You're a good boy. I think you've been doing a better job than I have."

He started munching on it instantly and Ellie gave him another pat on the nose whispering gentle praises to him.

"It's you who's making my horse fat." the raven-haired girl spoke, putting the saddle on the gate of the horses stable to begin getting him ready for their trip.

Ellie's cheeks flushed a dull shade of pink for being caught. 

"I was just saying hello..." she trailed off not knowing what else to say, kicking the dirt on the ground in front her in a subtle attempt to hide her cheeks.

"You've been getting lots of treats, haven't you, Japan?" Dina asked as she rubbed the horse's neck adoringly. "Have you been a good boy? Yes, you have." she cooed with a smile.

Ellie took a deep breath and stepped back on her heels, inching away from the stable before turning away to go fetch her own horse. She wished Dina would look at her the same way she looked at the horse. She hoped each step she took further away from Dina would be one less beat her heart would frantically take.

"Ellie..." Dina began. "Thank you. For taking care of him." she finished in a knowing way. As if she was somehow knowing of all the extra things she had done for him.

Of course, she knew.

"Right," she mumbled in response, not sure what to say at being called out. Confrontation had always made her feel awkward.

Instead, she moved to grab one of the other horses. She hadn't her own one yet, not since Shimmer. She often found herself staring at Joel's horse. A pretty grey stallion that Joel had saved from being tangled in a barbed wire fence and the infected that attempted to feast upon him one day while he was out patrolling. The scars on his legs were a reminder of that day. Ever since then, the horse had been fiercely loyal to him.

When Joel had asked what he should name it, Ellie had only shrugged.

_"Callus the second."_

She remembered him beaming as if it was the most original name in the world. It certainly wasn't, but it was the most meaningful. A tribute to the horse that had taken them on their journey, that had been cruelly taken away from Ellie during one of the lowest points in her life.

Tommy had offered the horse to her, knowing that it was one of the only living ties to her old man. Ellie couldn't accept. It was still too raw.

She didn't deserve anything of his.

He had insisted that he would always be there if she changed her mind.

She led the black horse aptly named Midnight out of the stable and to the front of the gate. It was only then that she realized that Dina wasn't in another group, she was in her group.

She was sure in that instant that Dina realized it too. Even swore that she heard her groan as she turned away. She mentally willed herself forward and allowed her to stand in the group with the rest, pretending that her heart didn't just sink completely out of her body. It would be like any other patrol she went on. 

Nothing would change.

"Is this okay?" Tommy asked, stepping up beside the girls. "This isn't going to be a problem is it?"

Ellie hadn't forgiven Tommy for what he did yet, but she was making an effort to.

"Not at all." Dina replied with a sweet smile. "We're both adults. Right, Ellie?"

Her tone brought Ellie right back to the night of their first kiss. When she had addressed Jesse with that exact same one which such contempt. She wanted to call her a dick, just like she had back then but knew better of it. Just as she had told Dina, she didn't have a death wish anymore.

One step forward, two back.

"Right." she finally choked out.

"Well alright then." Tommy finally spoke up, not completely convinced. "Listen up. Dina is in charge of this run. Any calls that need to be made, she'll make them. If you're unsure, you go to her. Got it?"

The group of six all nodded in agreement. Three newbies were with them and Ellie knew that that explanation was for them. Her heart sank though, knowing that there would have to be more interactions now. She only hoped that the day would be more uneventful to cut that back.

It took them two hours to reach the first spot on their route. Dina took point up front, chatting with the rest of the group about meaningless things as they continued onwards. Ellie found herself hanging back, a little further from the group then she should have been but it allowed her to keep a better eye on everything. It also allowed her to hear her surroundings better.

Ellie sighed. She was tired today.

She was tired every day.

She heard it before she saw it. A crunch to the left and her head snapped up, drawing her rifle at the ready she took aim and waited. When the head of the runner came into her scope she fired one shot taking it down instantly.

Startled the group froze and looked behind themselves for the source, glancing around nervously.

"We should move. If there are any more, they would have heard that gunshot." Ellie shrugged and she lightly kicked her with her heels to move forward. 

She dropped her head, unable to take the thankful gaze from Dina anymore. She was just doing her job.

* * *

"It's been a long day, Cat." Ellie groaned. "Just give me another drink."

The black haired girl laughed, finally pouring a glass for her regular. "I think you may have a problem."

"My only problem is you." she retorted, taking the glass and allowing the whole thing to fall down her throat. She dropped the glass again and expectedly waited for another.

"Drink this one more slowly, please. I won't give you another if you do that again." there was no malice in her words. She knew exactly what to expect from Ellie and this was just her normal. "Head's up, you've got company." she smiled, as she grabbed another glass and filled it up, placing it beside Ellie before backing away from the situation.

"Huh?" Ellie mumbled, glancing at her side as the seat was taken. "Oh. Hey, Dina," she mumbled as she brought her attention back to her glass. She couldn't handle those brown eyes.

"Ellie," she replied back, taking a sip of the drink.

There was a long silence. A pressure building inside her and she wasn't sure if it was because she was tired or she finally hit her breaking point but she finally spoke a glimpse of her feelings. She didn't want to convey her bitter jealousy but she couldn't help it.

"No company tonight?" Ellie took a deep breath. 

But then again, maybe it was just the alcohol.

Dina released a small snort in response with the faintest of smiles. "Aren't you company?" she replied.

Ellie considered for a moment not speaking but she couldn't do it anymore. "Not the company you've been keeping."

"That's not fair, Ellie." Dina turned her head to look at her, narrowing her eyes slightly in contempt. "You don't get the gatekeep who I'm with and when. You lost that privilege."

Ellie released a deep sigh and raised her glass to her lips. She could feel the younger woman's eyes burning into her. It wasn't an uncomfortable feeling, just confronting. She was certain this was the longest she had looked at her since she had been back and for a brief moment in some sick way she was happy to have the attention.

Dina has spent so long ignoring her she was at the point where she would take anything that the woman gave her. She could spit on her and she would gladly take it. She would deserve that. There was only so much being brushed aside and put on the back burner Ellie could take. It was one thing to be spoken to like she was the last person in the world that should be in her presence, but to be completely ignored? There was something about that raised a whole new sense of anger and desperation in Ellie. 

Desperate to get any kind of response from someone so unresponsive.

She thought about arguing with her. She thought about letting the jealousy take her and saying what she really thought. She thought about begging to be something to her.

The auburn girl tapped on her glass with her fingertips, thinking for a moment more. "Right."

"We're just friends anyways." Dina added, slightly defensively. 

"Right." Ellie repeated. Not completely sure if she had meant her or the people she was hanging around with and right now she didn't care. It wouldn't change with either scenario.

"You're insufferable." Dina growled, frustrated with the whole situation. "You sit here with your fucking ex every night and you have the audacity to question my morals?" she added pointedly.

Ellie laughed but it was really more like a scoff.

Ellie remembered when she and Cat had first begun dating. The days when she would pine over Dina, loathing her relationship with Jesse and wishing that it could be her. Back when she would push that all down to continue being her best friend.

She remembered how Cat had kissed her on that hot summer night after spending hours on her tattoo. She had been so ecstatic that someone had liked her the way that she had like Dina.

And Dina had been the first one she told. Of course, she was, she was Ellie's best friend. She remembered her being less than enthused and only now did Ellie understand why.

During their short relationship, she felt Dina pull away. Suddenly always busy when she wanted to hang. She remembered Cat telling her it was because she was jealous and Ellie just shrugged it off. What did Dina have to be jealous of?   
Eventually, Dina came around, but Ellie had always felt like she was tugged between the two. Both fighting for her attention and affection. Cat was indifferent but it was clear Dina really didn't like her. It wasn't until Cat had broken up with Ellie that Dina went back to normal. 

She remembered when Cat had asked her if she loved Dina. She had lied.

It wasn't until Ellie was older that she understood.

Ellie thought about egging the woman on, getting some rise out of her but thought better of it.

"Can we not do this." Ellie said lowly, shaking her head.

Dina dropped her head, pinching the bridge of her nose. She didn't want to falter to her emotions but she felt them coming. She willed all of the anger to subside, scared of what she would say when it came out but honestly, she didn't care anymore.

She shook her head, digging her nails into her palm. "Maybe if she had asked you to stay, you might have listened." The words weren't fair but they did what they were meant to.

Ellie sat there tenser than she had ever felt in her life, she spent a moment trying to compose herself but every second that passed seemed to only make her angrier at her words.

"What's it to you?" Ellie finally spat back. 

"Oh geez, I don't know." Dina growled back. "Maybe you should go fuck her at home instead of eye-fucking her here every night. Give us all a god damn break."

Ellie took a deep breath, crossing her arms over her chest defensively and looked to the side. She wasn't right, but maybe she deserved this.

"You never liked her." Ellie mumbled.

"Are you really that dense, Ellie?" she frowned. "Of course I never liked her. I was fucking jealous of her. I fucking wanted you..." Dina paused, opened her mouth to speak before closing it again. She reached up to slide her hands over the front of her face. "Fuck!" she groaned.

Ellie looked up from the spot on the ground she had been staring at to watch her.

"You know what? Who fucking cares."

"Dina..."

"I hope you're god damn happy together, Ellie because I swear to god I'm done."

"Dina. Enough." Ellie pleaded, looking down at her hands.

Dina took a deep breath as if allowing it to cleanse her soul before she turned back to her drink. It wasn't right of her to say, but it made her feel better. She immediately felt a little guilty but she couldn't help her feelings.

There was a long silence as they both sipped their drinks.

Dina turned and studied the lines of the side of Ellie's face. She had counted her freckles so many times but she was never sure if she every counted every single one. She had always lost count. Her cheeks sunk in more than they did back then and she generally just looked tired. 

"You look at her so why can't you look at me?" Dina finally found the courage to ask once she had calmed down enough.

Ellie shook her head. "What are you talking about?"

"Every time I look at you, you look away. I haven't... You haven't looked me in the eye since you got back here. I'm the one that shouldn't be able to look at you. You're the one that fucking left." she began, only faltering in the slightest. "So why can't you look at me?"

Ellie faught back the burning in her chest as it rose to her throat. "I don't know what you're talking about." she finally managed to lie.

Of course, she knew. How was she meant to explain that every time she saw her it literally broke her? She was certain that if she looked her in the eye it would break her so much there wouldn't be a single piece left for her to piece together.  
That she couldn't stand to see the hurt, the anger, the guilt, the wondering in her eyes. 

She couldn't look into her eyes because then she would know. She would know that Dina didn't love her anymore.

Dina would see how utterly petrified she felt inside.

"Then look at me." Dina replied bluntly.

Ellie felt like a deer caught in headlights. She froze, clenching her hand tighter around the glass in front of her. She didn't want to tell Dina how she couldn't look at her. How every time her gaze fell upon her she felt an unbearable sadness that she wasn't sure she would be able to survive. She couldn't even find the balls to tell her how sorry she was for everything. How she died the moment she stepped out of that house. 

Their house.

She swallowed the lump in her throat, slowly turning her head until her eyes met the murky brown of Dina's. They were still as beautiful as she remembered. There was a guarded warmth there that she couldn't figure out and she wasn't sure she was ready to but it was only for a moment. Her eyes quickly glazed over and Ellie was met with that same cold expression. That same impenetrable wall.

Dina's stare was agonizing and Ellie knew that her eyes were watering but she couldn't stop it.

"Oh, Ellie..." Dina's face melted for a moment as she studied the hopelessness behind her eyes. She searched for something behind them, something that was buried deep but hidden to her.

Ellie pulled a face and looked down, unable to take her sympathy any longer. "Yeah, well... You should get back to JJ. I bet he misses his mum..." she trailed off, knowing full well it was her that missed her.

Dina shook her head. " Yeah... Yeah I should."She got up from the stool. I think I've had enough."

She got up quickly and shuffled out of the bar, not looking back.

"Well, that was brutal..." Cat spoke, reaching over and giving Ellie a gentle nudge on the shoulder. 


	6. Chapter 6

Ellie had no business being out that day.

Her head pounded so hard she began to feel disorientated. She wanted to convince herself that it had nothing to do with how much alcohol she had consumed last night, that she was just getting sick but she couldn't be certain. Regardless of whether that was true or not either, no one would believe it anyway.

She clenched her teeth tight, it made it worse but it bit back the bile rising up in her throat. Gripping her horse's reins tightly to ground herself, allowing her body to gently sway with the motion of its trots.

Every tiny sound was amplified and snapped her attention towards it. A rustle in the trees, a horse neighing or even one of the others laughing. It was all too much, but it was too late to turn back. 

She was thankful when they arrived at their destination. The break offers a small reprieve as she slid off her horse, landing to the ground in a way that sent shocks through her ankles. Crouching down she riffled through her pack for her water bottle and brought it to her lips, throwing it back and drinking it so fast it made her head spin.

"Ellie?"

She shook her head, waiting to allow her vision to refocus first before she turned to face Dina.

"Huh?"

"I asked if you were alright?"

Ellie gave a small nod and stood back to her feet, slinging her backpack over one shoulder. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Dina furrowed her brows in the way Ellie knew meant she was about to push the matter further but instead she just took a breath and shrugged. "Well, alright. Just pull it together, okay?"

Ellie watched her back as she turned away from her. She knew Dina was still fuming from the night before but at least the normal harshness to her tone had subsided for now. For that Ellie was thankful. She wasn't sure she would be able to handle another tirade of words from her today.

The group crept through the city, careful to make as little sound as they could as the ground crunched under their feet. It was a lot harder to be quiet this time of year than it was during winter. They did their best though, wanting to spot any infected before they spotted them.

Ellie closely followed the group, keeping an eye on them from the back. She couldn't be certain but she was sure she had never been on this route before. She didn't remember the houses on the sides or the railway they were heading to. It made her uncomfortable to be somewhere so unfamiliar. 

Ellie was the last to step into the large open building. She frowned as their steps on the broken, dirty tiles echoed around the empty room. There was just something about it that made her uncomfortable. She wasn't sure if it was because she was worried about what was inside or the pain in her head. She just couldn't think straight. She couldn't shake the nagging feeling in the back of her mind.

She stepped further in allowing her eyes to adjust to the darkness, if there was something there she wanted to see it before anyone else did and deal with it before it became a problem. The faster they cleared the building the sooner she would be allowed to go home.

There was the uncomfortable nagging feeling again and she felt the floor shift underneath her feet followed by a subtle creak. It stopped and she paused, standing as still as she possibly could. There was another creak, this time louder as she turned to look over her shoulder apologetically, almost as if she knew what was going to happen.

As she turned back to look down at her feet she saw as the crack began to weave its way between them and it was then she was hit with such force that she felt like all the air had been knocked out of her, the ground finally giving way to where her feet were just moments ago. She fell to the ground, a body landing on top of her and rolling off. 

She wrapped her arms around her waist trying to suck in air, desperate to reclaim all of the oxygen she had lost. Turning over she looked over at the person who had saved her from falling through the floor.

"Dina..." she muttered, forcing herself to her feet to shuffle over to her.

Ellie helped her to her feet, her breathing still ragged as she tried to regain some kind of composure. She looked Dina over with a frown making sure she was unharmed. 

There was a rumble again from underneath causing the whole building to quake.

"Get out." Dina yelled at the others on the other side of the collapsed floor, throwing her arm to the side. "We'll meet back up outside. Go!"

The building shook more violently, dust becoming displaced and clouding everyone's vision.

They paused briefly, wondering if they could help but they couldn't. They turned and made for the door.

The ground lurched beneath their feet dropping them a few inches lower and Ellie stepped instinctively closer to Dina, wrapping her arm protectively around her waist. It was too late to do anything so Ellie just prayed that they would survive it. 

She wondered if Dina prayed too.

* * *

Ellie remembered falling for what felt like an eternity. She remembered her back hitting the ground so hard and with so much force it threw the back of her head into the pavement. She remembered cradling Dina in her arms and pulling her tightly to her chest and she remembered the force in which Dina had crashed into her body, limbs jutting in a tangled mess into places that they shouldn't have and rolling off.

She coughed, the dust filling her lungs and suffocating her but she had to get up. She had to make sure that Dina was okay.

With a painful groan, she sat up and scooted her body towards Dina. Reaching out she gave her a gentle shake trying to rouse her.

When Dina groaned back in response and rolled over Ellie's heart immediately felt more at ease. 

She was okay.

She helped Dina move to a sitting position, allowing her time to catch her breath and come to terms with what happened.

"Are you okay?" Ellie asked worry clearly evident in her eyes.

Dina gave a faint nod. "I've been better."

Ellie gave a small smile in response. "Do you think you can stand?"

"I think so."

Ellie helped lift her to her feet only allowing herself a brief moment to bask in the fact that she was so close to the younger woman. There was no time to dwell on that now.

Every second that passed Ellie could feel her body painfully tense more and more in protest of her movements. Once Dina was on her feet she wrapped her arm around her stomach and crouched down, trying her best to regain composure. The pounding in her head was worse now.

"Are you okay?" Dina asked with uncertainty, repeating her question.

Ellie looked up and offered her a reassuring smile that was almost too much for her to pull off. "Yeah. Let's get out of here."

"El..." Dina stopped, grabbing her jacket to stop her too. 

She looked Ellie in the eye before pointing into the darkness. It was just barely visible but she could make out the faint form of an infected huddled in the corner.

Ellie nodded back in understanding and raised her finger to her lips, looking down she dig into her pockets and grabbed her switchblade out. She bit the inside of her lip hard, internally wincing as she took a step forward and her body cried out in protest.   
She felt Dina's warm hand on her shoulder and she looked at her confused as her hand slid down her arm to the switchblade in her hand, relieving her of it. Ellie stood there in a daze, confused as she could only watch as Dina crept forward in front of her. She tried to squint her eyes when they became fuzzy at the edges to keep sight of her and she watched as she jumped on the infected, plunging the knife deep into the side of its neck.

Ellie had seen Dina kill before.

But Ellie had never seen her kill like this. There had always been some form of hesitation, some form of conscience in her kills as if the moment just before she delivered the fatal blow she thought about how it used to be a person, that it used to have a family, that it used to be just like her.

That wasn't here now. 

She didn't pause or stop to consider her actions, she just did what she had to do. Her actions were fluid and lethal with deliberate certainty.

Ellie wondered if she had done that to her.

If she had been so desensitized to what she had done that she had done this to her.

Dina came back and pulled Ellie's arm around her shoulder. "You still okay?"

Ellie blinked slowly and only nodded, allowing herself to be lead by the shorter girl. Guilt beginning to creep it's way in her bones once more  
.   
They managed to dodge a few more infected as they made their way to the higher ground finally coming to a gate that stood between their freedom, the light on the other side calling for them. It wasn't very high and would be easy for them to scale. 

Dina went first, she was shorter and would need more of a hand to get up. Ellie offered her hand and Dina gratefully stepped upon it, reaching up to take the top of the gate in her hands she pulled her waist over the top.

There was a screech and Ellie turned her head to see a runner stumble in to view. It threw a vicious growl as its eyes settled on Ellie. It moved with pace.

From the second she had woken up Ellie knew that today was going to be a bad day.

She looked up to Dina and pulled a face. She looked back with a scowl just knowing in her gut what Ellie was up to, in a warning not to do it.

But Ellie did it.

Reaching up she rested her hands on the back of Dina's thighs and put all her weight behind throwing her over just as the runner threw it's full force against her, slamming her hard into the gate.

"Ellie!" Dina screamed quickly jumping to her feet and watching as she wrestled with the infected, she looked down, Ellie's knife still tightly gripped in her hand.

Ellie was weak and her body was beginning to fail her. 

Her head felt so dizzy her vision doubled and she wasn't sure if she was fighting one or two of them. She toppled over and punched it twice in the head before she managed to roll on top of the creature, throwing her hands tightly around it's throat and pinning it down.

"Dina!" The rest of the group cried as they burst into the room and running to her side, they paused when they saw Ellie grappling with an infected.

Ellie felt what felt like a sledgehammer smash into her side as she was tackled off of the infected on the ground by another. She rolled on the ground, barely regaining enough composure to stop its incoming attack. It was only seconds from ripping out her throat. 

She had tried, she really had. At least she would go out knowing that others would have seen that she hadn't given up.

There was a bang and her ears rang so loudly it made her even more disorientated.

The runner on top of her collapsed its weight on her chest and she struggled under the weight.

There was another bang.

The only sound was the lingering echo of the shot and Ellie struggled to pull her consciousness away from it, the blackness threatening to overcome her senses.

_"Get up!"_

_"Ellie, you have to move!"_

_"Move!"_

She groaned, her eyes shifting around to look at her surroundings, not quite being able to make out their words.

_"Fucking run, Ellie!"_

She turned her head looking to the other side, feeling the ground rattle under the rapid movement of feet, the infected coming into her sights.

_"Get up, please!"_

She heard Dina yell and it pierced her ears, shutting out the ringing. 

She turned, maneuvering her body to push the dead body off her. She coughed, feeling like she was heaving out her lungs as she rolled on to her front and took a moment when she reached all fours to suck in as much breath as she could.

She wasn't sure there was a moment today where she felt like she could catch her breath.

Stumbling to her feet she tentatively shuffled forward before willing her body to pick up the pace. She allowed herself to glance over her shoulder and wished she hadn't. She didn't have the time to fuck around, she would only have one chance. With everything she had left in her body, she pushed herself off the ground and leaped on to the gate, throwing herself against it and clutching its iron with desperate hands. She scrambled, her feet slipping as she tried to get herself over the top.

She pushed off, throwing the weight of her body like a rag doll over the top and hitting the ground hard, again knocking the air from her lungs. She wondered when she was going to be allowed to catch her breath again.

They began to fire, taking aim and putting each one of the infected that pushed against the gate down. It was their job to put down any infected that they came across and they knew if they didn't do it fast, they would break through the gate and be on all of them in an instant.

Ellie sat up, lowering her head as she listed to the gunshots and the screaming. Allowing each sound to consume her being. They only stopped when each and every one of them was dead.

Someone was shaking her, she wasn't sure who it was. She was tired, she wanted to close her eyes.

When Ellie had woken up today, she knew it was going to be a bad day.

* * *

  
"Here," Dina muttered handing Ellie a steel canister of water.

Ellie gratefully took it, bringing it and allowing the cold liquid to cool her body. 

They had made it out of the building after clearing all of the infected and doing a quick count of their total, including the one Dina had taken care of at the lower level. Dina had insisted on taking a break before they headed back home so everyone could regroup and recover.

"That was stupid of you to do, you know?" Dina asked, her voice quiet and patient as she ready a damp cloth at her side to wipe Ellie's wounds.

"You were stupid first." Ellie frowned, looking up to meet her eyes, making that conscious effort to look at her.

She almost wished she hadn't. She saw something she hadn't seen in a long time. Dina was worried.

She immediately looked down.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled.

Dina sat back and rested her arms on her knees, playing with her hands in front of her. "Look, I'm sorry too..." she paused briefly, struggling to find the words. "About last night." she quickly added. "I was way out of line."

"Dina, it's alright."

At the end of the day, as much as her words had hurt, Ellie knew where she was coming from. Why she was lashing out at her. She had hurt Dina, more than she ever thought she had and she was still coming to terms with that.

"It's not really alright though, is it, Ellie?" Dina asked, looking up from her hands to the bruised woman in front of her.

Ellie shrugged. "Maybe not right now, but it will be. One day."

There was a contented silence that fell over the two before either one of them dare spoke again.

Ellie looked up and finally spoke with the uncertainty of a scared child. "How's JJ?"

It was a question she had been wanting to ask since she had gotten back to Jackson, she just felt like she didn't deserve an answer. 

Dina turned to watch her. Studying the way her hand gripped at the side of her pants as if her life depended on it. "JJ is great, Ellie. He's so big now and so smart. Walking and... and he said his first words."

Ellie wiped at her nose with the back of her hand. Of course, she was missing all his milestones. She couldn't blame anyone for that but herself. That didn't mean it hurt her any less.

"He gets into so much trouble, just like..." she paused, unsure before finishing. "You."

Ellie felt a smile tug at the corner of her lips as she tilted her head to the side in understanding. "And you." 

"It's scary sometimes, thinking about what I would ever do if something happened to him. He's too innocent for this world."

"Yeah." Ellie sucked in a harsh breath, feeling it get caught in her throat. Se knew exactly what Dina was talking about. She felt it every day.

"Are you... going to the bonfire?" She asked, looking to meet Ellie's eye again.

"I don't think so." she replied, a feeling of dejection washing over her. A party at Jackson would never feel the same as it once had.

"You should... It would be nice to see you there." Dina added, before nodding slowly and standing, wiping the dirt off her jeans. "You don't have to make yourself an outcast because of me. Anyways... We better get back, it'll be dark soon. Tommy will want to hear about how many infected were here."


	7. Chapter 7

Ellie sat by the bonfire in an earnest attempt to stay warm in the chilly spring air. She wasn't sure why she was here. She hadn't made an attempt to be social before now and she cursed Dina putting the idea in her head. 

Except she knew why she was here. It was because she had asked.

She stared hard into the flames, remembering how hot her anger had burnt inside her on her way to avenge Joel's death. Nothing would ever feel as hot as she did back then. She wasn't sure she would ever feel as driven either.

She sighed, rubbing at her tired eyes. 

When she opened them again, on the other side of the fire her eyes fell upon Dina. Her beauty magnified by the fire that glowed before her and highlighting her features. Dina hadn't noticed her yet and she spent an extended period of time basking in her beauty. From her nose to her lips to her eyes, there was nothing that Ellie didn't like about any of her features. 

Dina had loved her as ferociously as this fire burnt. Hard and fast, every kiss burning its impression into her skin and leaving its memory. But just like this fire would be tomorrow, it had burnt out. You couldn't maintain something so unpredictable.

She felt the familiar pain in her chest as old feelings began to rise to the surface. It wasn't fair to do this to Dina. She looked down, fiddling with her hands until a hand on her shoulder broke her focus. 

Tommy smiled at her, stepping over the log to sit beside her.

A calm silence fell over the two and Ellie could tell that he was trying to find the right words.

"Heard you had a pretty rough time out on patrol the other day." he began, clearly something weighing heavily on his mind.

Ellie scoffed. "Whoever told you that didn't know what they were talking about."

"So Dina of all people doesn't know what they're talking about?" he nudged her shoulder with his.

"She might know what she's talking about just a little..." Ellie shrugged. "We made it back. I wouldn't have let anything happen to any of them."

"You'll get yourself killed before that, right? You're just like that old man of yours."

Ellie shook her head. Joel hadn't been her father but he might as well have been. He thought about correcting him but it was honestly nice to hear those words from him.

"I've been trying to find the right words to apologize to you..." he began, turning his head to face her before again looking down.

Ellie pulled a face. "Tommy, you don't have to."

He shook his head in response. "No, I do. What I said to you back then, it wasn't fair. If something had happened to you... What happened was my fault."

Ellie looked up and back over again at Dina who met her gaze and gave a small, sad smiled in return.

"You didn't make me go after her, Tommy."

"But I didn't help." he sighed. "What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry. I think every day about how different things would have been if I hadn't come to you that day. How happy you would have been now..."

Ellie reached over and placed her hand on top of his giving it a gentle squeeze. "We both didn't deal with Joel's death very well and we both dealt with it in our own way. I'm still dealing with it... but I've found peace with what happened. You should too."

Tommy gave a good sniff. "I know... I think I'm starting to get better. Maria has started talking to me more again. We're not perfect and I don't know when I'll be out of the dog house but for now, it'll do. Maybe one day I'll be able to give her that gold necklace I found."

"You mean the fake one?" Ellie gestured, giving a small sincere laugh.

Tommy smiled and looked up, his eyes falling on Dina. It took Ellie only a moment to see what he was looking at.

"Hey, Tommy... Do you think it's possible to be forgiven?"

"I don't know. I don't think it always is as easy as it seems. It's easier to say you've forgiven someone than to actually do it. But if you don't try you'll never know. " Tommy thought hard for a moment. Looking down to his side he picked up the item he had carried over and laid it on her lap. "I know you haven't been able to play since..." he motioned towards her missing fingers. "But I restrung this one for you, so you'd be able to play. I know it'll be like learning it all over again but I'd like to hear you play again someday."

Ellie blinked back the tears that had begun to moisten her eyes and laid her hands on the guitar strings. "I think I want to start forgiving myself..."

Tommy smiled and stood up, resting his hand on her shoulder. "You can do it, kiddo."

At first, she rested her head on her hand that sat on top of the guitar. She thought long and hard. It had been a long time since she had played the guitar, her missing pinky making it a little hard. But it was definitely still manageable. She glanced up again at Dina, finding comfort seeing her laugh across the fire. 

As much as it pained her to see her moving on, she was happy.

Looking down at the strings she placed her fingers on the fretboard to play the correct chords. It took a little longer to place her fingers correct, but she got there eventually. She strummed once. Moved her fingers again and played the next. She slowly did this a couple more times gaining more confidence that eventually she would be able to string some notes together.

She remembered the last bonfire she was at, where Joel would play guitar and everyone would stop and listen. 

Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to get lost in the sounds around her. She pictured Joel sitting there, leaning back in his chair with his feet up and the guitar on his lap. He had had too much to drink and his cheeks were rosier than Ellie had ever seen them before. He had smiled at her and he was happy. 

She remembered the song she had sung to her.

_"If I ever were to lose you, I would surely lose myself._

_Everything I have found here, I've not found by myself._

_Try and sometimes you'll succeed, to make this man of me._

_All my stolen missing parts, I've no need for anymore._

_'Cause I believe, and I believe 'cause I can see._

_Our Future days._

_Days of you and me."_

When she felt comfortable with where she had left that memory, she looked down at her guitar with a smile. She felt a sense of peace with Joel's death now. She rested her head back on her arm on the guitar and looked back over at Dina over the fire. She couldn't quite make out the smile Dina returned but it was warm and it felt genuine so she lapped it up. 

* * *

Ellie slowly strolled home, taking her time, and enjoying the near-empty streets. She had left everyone at the bonfire when everyone started to get rowdy. She just couldn't enjoy it as she used to and it definitely wasn't the same when she didn't have Dina shamelessly flirting with everyone, with her. 

When she arrived at her house she was surprised to see Dina sitting on the steps. She took a moment to study her, watching as her face arched towards the stars in the sky. She looked breathtaking being basked in the light from the moon and that day Ellie felt like she couldn't catch her breath had nothing at this moment. 

Finally, she took an anxious step forward. "Hey." she murmured, placing the guitar against the side of the house and taking an awkward seat next to Dina on the cold step. She was mindful not to sit too close.

Dina dropped her eyes to the dirt and furrowed her eyebrows. "I'm really fucking mad at you."

"I know." Ellie too looked down and played with the sleeves on her jacket. She felt like a teenager again.

"Really fucking mad. Furious really." Dina added.

Ellie took a deep breath. "I know."

The black hair woman buried her face in her hands. "You need to start taking care of yourself, Ellie." 

"I know, D." she again said, turning to face her. 

"Say something else." she groaned frustrated, quickly losing her temper.

"I'm sorry..."

"You need to do more than be fucking sorry, Ellie." Dina cried, rising to her feet and balling her fists at her side as she turned to face Ellie. "You need to try."

Ellie too balled her hands into fists and rose to her feet to meet her. "Dina..."

"No! You fucking left and now you're back but you just mope around like a goddamn ghost." she yelled, shoving Ellie in the chest. "You don't eat, you just drink. I don't know what's worse, never knowing what happened to you or having you back like this."

Ellie knitted her brows together and looked down. 

"I do want to be better, Dina."

"Then fucking prove it." 

The words hung around in the air like a bad smell, lingering in the air.

_Prove it. Stay._

Ellie took a step towards Dina, extending her hand to touch her arm only for Dina to take a step back.

"Don't touch me."

She took a deep breath and again took another step forward, grabbing Dina by the wrist and stepping into her. She wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do or not but at that moment she only wanted one thing, to stop Dina's pain. 

Dina sobbed hard as her head hit Ellie's chest, hand resting over her heart.

Ellie felt a blush grace her cheeks and she wrapped her arms around the broken girl and pulled her in tight. She remained silent until the sobs that wracked Dina's body began to subside. 

Ellie gently caressed her back, mindful of her rough callused fingers, and brought her lips down to the top of her head. It was selfish to think at such a time but she had missed this.

"Dina... I do want to be better. I want to start forgiving myself so that maybe one day you can forgive me." she whispered softly beside her ear.

Eventually, Dina sniffled and raised her head to look up at the taller girl who held her tightly. She didn't look like she had the strength in her thin frame but she held her tight.

Ellie melted against the other girl's body, months of longing leaving her weak-willed.

Dina was the first to pull away. She pulled a face as she looked down, taking Ellie's hand in hers and playing with her fingers. She thought hard for a moment, before looking back up at her. Ellie wasn't sure what she had wanted to say because she didn't say it.   
Ellie had to push forward out of her comfort zone, if she didn't they would forever be stuck in limbo.

"Can I come by tomorrow?" Ellie asked, her words reeking of uncertainty.

"I don't know..." Dina replied, letting Ellie's hand fall to her palm so she could rub her thumb over her boney knuckles.

Ellie smiled kindly in return at her. Waiting for her to say what's on her mind.

"For dinner?" Dina asked.

Ellie nodded. "It doesn't have to mean anything. I'm just... hungry," she added, admitting to herself it had been a while since she had eaten, hoping it would be enough for Dina to want to see her.

Dina thought hard, feeling the harshness of Ellie's bones in her fingers. "Okay."


	8. Chapter 8

Ellie felt more nervous than she possibly had in her entire life. She had been so anxious she hadn't slept and the constant knot in her stomach nagged her to the point where she thought she was going to throw up.

She didn't want to mess this up. She couldn't mess this up.

She took longer to dress than she normally would, affording extra glances to the mirror to make sure she looked okay. She tied her hair up and then she let it down again, choosing finally to set on half up and half down.

She rubbed at her face with her hands, pulled the skin as she let them slide down before leaning over the sink and splashing her face with cool water hoping to calm her nerves.

When she felt her appearance was passable, she left the bathroom and moved to the lounge. She thought about having a drink to calm her nerves but thought better of it. The last thing that would help her would be getting drunk. Instead, she ran a glass of water and sipped it.

She sat at the table and drummed her hands on the wood.

She moved to her couch and picked up her guitar, practicing to play left-handed.

She stood to her feet and paced.

She hadn't meant to allow herself but she felt hope. Hope that today would be the start of moving passed what had happened in the past. Day one of making up for everything she had done to wrong Dina. 

More than anything she felt happy. Genuinely happy that she was being given the chance to show Dina she could be better. She could be that person for her again.

This time when she glanced at the clock it was finally time to go.

When she knocked on the door and it opened, she couldn't help but smile as the short girl in front of her opened it and stepped to the side to let her in. She had a cute white apron wrapped around her middle protecting her cream blouse from getting dirty. 

"Sorry." Dina muttered quickly before Ellie could speak, rushing to pull it off. "JJ was a real nightmare today. I'm running so behind. I look like a mess." continued to ramble. "Sorry." she murmured again unsure. "You must be hungry."

Ellie reached out and grabbed her wrist to try and calm not just her nerves but her own as well before she could tug the apron off. "It's okay, really. Can I help?"

Dina was uncertain at first, looking Ellie up and down in a way that made her blush but gave a small nod, choosing not to point it out. She turned towards the kitchen and started for the counter where she had been preparing the food.

Ellie went over to the counter where Dina stood and was working to prepare the last of dinner. She had already made the sauce it seemed and was waiting on the pasta to cook.

Ellie smiled to herself, her eyes following the destruction that lay across the bench before falling on the mess on the stove. Dina had never been a tidy cook. But then again, neither had she. 

Ellie rolled up the sleeves of her flannel. "Where do you want me chef?" she asked, still uncertain with her words and not wanting to push any boundaries.

"Here." Dina motioned, Ellie, stepping up next to her where a chopping board was. She handed Ellie a knife her hand lingering just a moment too long as it brushed against the taller woman before she snapped it away. "Chop these herbs. Nicely."

Ellie smiled, Dina knew her too well. She remembered the day their first herbs had grown on the farm. Dina had told her to add them to the food she was cooking that night. Ellie had never used herbs before and threw them in whole, not just one but all the different kinds she had grown. She remembered how Dina had laughed, a long hearty laugh at her expense. It didn't make her angry, it didn't make her embarrassed. She had just laughed too. 

After that, she patiently explained what each one was and what it tasted like, and when Ellie forgot she had explained it again.

The next time Ellie had used Dina's herbs she had chopped them haphazardly.

The third time Dina had placed the knife in Ellie's hand and set hers on top as she stepped behind her. She showed her how to use the knife, how to cut them finely.

Sometimes Ellie would pretend to forget how to use the knife just so Dina would do it all again. It didn't take her long to catch on to Ellie's game, but every time she still did it anyway.

Ellie shook her head clear. Those were just memories now.

She took the knife in her hand and began chopping the herbs the way that Dina had shown her, concentrating as best as she could to get it done perfectly with Dina still watching her closely. 

Her attention was snapped away by the sound of a baby crying.

Dina looked at her exacerbated, holding her hand to her forehead she pinched at the bridge of her nose. She looked stressed and for a moment Ellie felt guilty for asking to come over if she should ask her if she wanted her to go.

"I'm sorry. I was going to take him to his grandparents." she looked down.

Ellie gave a small reassuring smile. "I'm glad he's here."

"He'll be hungry." she only murmured as she went upstairs to grab JJ.

Dina was clearly frazzled and Ellie wasn't sure if it was strictly JJ acting up or if she was stressed out because Ellie was in her house. Ellie decided that that was a question she was too afraid to ask.

Ellie looked down and went back to chopping the herbs as neatly as she could. Once that was done she tested the pasta. It wasn't quite ready but it wasn't far off. She hummed quietly, listening intently as she could hear the faint sound of Dina talking to JJ. Letting him know that they had company and he had to be a good boy.

After a few moments, Dina finally appeared back down the stairs, JJ resting on her hip, a tired glazed over look on his tiny face.

Ellie almost melted into a puddle at that moment. It had been a long time since she had seen the baby she had grown to consider her son. She wasn't even sure if she was allowed to call him that anymore or even consider it. At that moment she didn't even care.

She watched as his eyes fell on hers and her whole body just felt warm. He had his mother's eyes. She couldn't be certain if he recognized her but she figured the fact that he wasn't crying or trying to shy away from her was a good sign. Even if he didn't recognize her, she would earn that trust back if she had to. 

He had grown a lot since she had last seen him. Longer with a thicker head of hair but he was still chunky. He had always been very well taken care of. She couldn't believe how much of his life she had willingly missed.  
  
She felt her eyes water and she looked down, balling her fist at her side.

Dina looked between JJ and Ellie, watching the myriad of emotions that cycled through her before she made a decision. "Do you want to hold him?"

Ellie almost broke.

"Just while I prepare his dinner. I'll get him sorted and then we can have ours." she quickly added, wondering if she had misjudged the situation. She didn't want to put Ellie in that situation if she didn't want to be part of his life anymore.

He wasn't her blood.

Immediately Ellie held out her arms and beamed as she took JJ from his mother, pulling him to her body to rest on her hip. "Hey, little man. Are you being a nightmare for your mom?" she cooed, placing a soft kiss to the top of his head, pausing briefly to take in his scent that she remembered so well. A mix of baby and the way Dina smelt.

Dina's heart felt like it was going to burst, watching as Ellie proudly looked at her son. She shook her head, not letting her emotions get the better of her. It was nice to see JJ and Ellie together again but she couldn't let that affect how things were now.

"What do you say we go build some blocks and give your mom a break, huh?" The taller girl raised her head and smiled at Dina, almost as if asking her permission.

Dina smiled and nodded back, leaning close to them to give JJ a kiss on the head. 

JJ squealed in delight as Ellie took him from the kitchen to the living room, plopping the boy on the floor so he was sitting she sat down with him, crossing her legs. She grabbed the colored blocks, each one made of wood with a different number or letter, and passed one to JJ who put it on the ground.

"Alright, Potato, let's see what you can do." 

When she passed him a new one he did the same until the tower began to grow precariously high.

"Look at you, a little construction guy, eh?" she laughed, reaching over and giving his chunky leg a squeeze causing the baby to giggle uncontrollably. "Are you gonna be a big strong builder JJ? Help build mommy a nice house one day?"

Before she could hand him another, he mischievously looked her in the eye before lunging forward and knocking it over. He squealed in delight louder and clapped his hands haphazardly.

Ellie feigned shock which only increased the boy's excitement. 

"Maybe you're more demolition." she smiled, handing him another block to begin the process again. 

She glanced up at Dina who was watching them from the kitchen. They both shared a sincere smile.

Ellie turned her attention back and the baby beamed and pushed the block in her hand back towards her. 

"Oh, you want me to build you a tower? Should I be the foreman?" she asked with a high pitched tone, placing the block before him closely followed by another to build an even bigger tower than before. "Am I going to grow up to be a builder, spud?"

There was another mischievous grin from the young boy as he again lunged forward knocking it down.

Ellie gasped in mock surprise, reaching forward and grabbing JJ around the waist to tickle him. "JJ!"

He squealed louder, trying to wriggle out of the girl's grasp only to be pulled tightly to her body where she tickled him further. Spurred on by his happy cries she leaned down to his neck and blew raspberry's against his skin causing further delight.

She felt genuine happiness flow through her body as she held him close. There was just something about how pure he was, that nothing could touch him and his innocence and she basked in it. He knew nothing of how horrible the world could truly be. He knew nothing of what Ellie had done. He just loved unconditionally.

When she pulled away and looked into his eyes, she smiled ear to ear. "You hungry J? Cause I am." she leaned down again to his neck, this time making fake chomping noises as she pretended to eat him. When she pulled away, JJ raised his arms and made a gimme motion with his fingers.

"Oh, you want more little guy?" When she lowered her head to do the same, JJ tried to do the same to her making cute little growls. "Are you a little monster now?"

Dina listened fondly as she prepared JJ's dinner. The squeals of excitement, although loud, brought joy to her ears. 

It both brought her joy and discomfort as the memories tore at her heart. Thinking of all the things that had been missed in Ellie's absence. All the firsts she could never share with them. 

His dinner hadn't taken long to make, but as she turned around to set it on the kitchen table she watched as Ellie entertained her son like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like she hadn't been missing from his life for the past 6 months. 

More so she watched how happy Ellie appeared to be as she interacted with him. She hoped to see more of that from her.

Ellie raised her head and met Dina's eye again giving her a smile that spread ear to ear as the child thrashed in her arms.

Maybe there was hope for Ellie.

"His dinner's ready." Dina finally spoke as she set it down.

Scooping the child off the ground Ellie carried him to the kitchen under her arm, listening to him squeal and wiggle before setting him straight and offering him to his mother. 

Dina nodded in the direction of his high chair. "Do you... want to feed him?"

Ellie smiled and quickly nodded. "Hell yeah." 

She placed him in the chair and sat beside him at the table.

Dina threw her a small amused smile at her excitement. She had always been willing to go above and beyond for JJ. "Alright, you little goober." she began, grabbing his dinner and sliding it over to Ellie, sitting on the table opposite her.

"Does he still like the airplane...?" Ellie asked, her face quickly dipping into a frown as she looked over to Dina.

She nodded, watching Ellie scoop up some food on the spoon and fly it into the hungry boy's mouth.

Resting her head on her hands she fell into a daydream and it was like nothing had ever changed. They were still back at the farm and Ellie was doing her best to provide for both of them. Doing her best to get passed her demons and take care of both of them before taking care of herself.

Too worried about them to share those feelings that were trickling into the back of her mind, consuming her until she felt she had to leave.

Dina understood why Ellie thought she had to leave them there, she had understood from reading her journal, but Dina didn't think she would ever understand how Ellie could have actually left them.

"I'm sorry you know..." Ellie finally spoke as she fed more food into JJ's awaiting mouth. "For missing all this with him, with you. It can't have been easy."

Dina blinked, head still resting lazily on her hand. "Jesse's parents have really helped."

"It's okay to admit it was hard." she gave the black-haired woman a sideways glance.

"It wouldn't change anything if it did." she sighed, allowing her eyes to close. "It was hard, at first. But it got easier."

Ellie nodded.

"I think he used to cry for you."

"Oh." Ellie mumbled, looking down briefly before turning her attention back to JJ.

Dina sat back in her chair. "Yeah... I'm pretty sure he knew. He cried for a long time after you left. He cried when I picked him up because he wanted you. I think he thought that if he just cried more eventually you would come and take him like you used to." 

She continued watching as Ellie's face dropped., feeling bad for even bringing it up. She hadn't meant for it to sound that way, she just wanted Ellie to know that she had been missed and her absence had been noticed.

"It got easier though." she quickly added. "I used to sing him the songs you used to sing him. Eventually, that was enough for him... Enough to keep me at the farm for as long as I did."

Ellie gave a small sad smile before turning to face Dina. She couldn't take back what she had done, or all the time she had missed so decided not to dwell on it. For tonight anyway.

"Oh yeah? What songs?" she grinned, turning her attention back to JJ.

Dina smiled.

"Fuck." Dina yelled frustratedly, leaping from her chair and heading over to the stove where the burnt smell had begun radiating. 

They had got so caught up with feeding JJ that they had completely forgotten about their own dinner that had been simmering away. 

Ellie watched as Dina dipped a spoon into the sauce and brought it to her lips. It was ruined.

"Oh god." she mumbled, wanting nothing more than to get the taste out of her mouth.

"Not good?" Ellie asked, cocking her head to the side.

"Not good." Dina sighed, letting the spoon fall from her hand on to the bench in frustration. She brought her fingers to the bridge of her nose and gave it a squeeze. She turned around, leaning back on the bench. "I'm sorry, Ellie."

Ellie only smiled reassuringly back. "It's okay."

"It's not. I ruined your dinner. You must be hungry." She shook her head annoyed with herself for allowing herself to get so distracted.

"How about I go grab us something to eat?" Ellie offered.

Dina pulled a face. "You don't have to do that."

"You have to eat too, Dina. I'll run down to the bar and get something takeaway."

"No, I can go do that, Ellie. You've done enough tonight."

Ellie gave JJ's hand a squeeze before standing up and shaking her head at Dina. "You've had a long day. Chill out with JJ and I'll be back as soon as I can."

She thought about doing the same, reaching over to Dina and giving her hand a reassuring squeeze but knew Dina wasn't ready for that.

Ellie wasn't ready for that.

Or the potential rejection that came from such a gesture. She wasn't sure which.

"I'll be quick!" Ellie yelled, jogging over to the door.

"Take your coat..." Dina muttered, walking after Ellie. "I mean, it's cold outside..."

She _still_ cared. 

Ellie gave a grateful smile, reaching for it off the hook. "Thanks. I won't be too long."

* * *

  
Ellie softly knocked at the door. When there was no response she gently pushed it open. It was unlocked.

"Hello?"

There was no answer.

She took a careful step in, her heart thumping hard in her chest. Logically nothing bad would have happened but that didn't stop her from worrying.

"Dina?"

She quickly scanned her surroundings, her eyes falling on the two sleeping figures on the couch. Dina had fallen asleep, small snores escaping her lips. JJ was even more dead asleep than his mother who was protectively holding him to her chest.

Ellie gave a small smile and as quietly as she could walk over to the table, setting the food down. She thought about waking her so they could continue their night, but she didn't have the heart to. It seemed like Dina had had a rough day and had sleep to catch up on. Something a lot more important than a silly dinner with her. Then a dinner she was sure meant a lot more to her than it did to Dina.

Strolling back over to the couch, she reached for the blanket resting on the back and draped it over the sleeping family. Leaning down she placed a lingering kiss on the top of Dina's head. Dina stirred before settling back in under the blanket.

Ellie took a few moments longer taking in the peaceful scene before her. One she had seen many times back at the farm. It was always comforting to know that they were both safe and taken care of. 

Shaking herself clear she finally removed herself from the scene. 

She turned and looked over to the mess in the kitchen. She wasn't sure if it was her place to, or if Dina would be mad if she did but she found herself in there tidying. The last thing Dina needed when she woke up would be to wake up to as big of a mess as they had left it.

She tidied what she could before slowly tiptoeing over and opening the front door, she glanced back over her shoulder once more to take in the peaceful scene that she was leaving.

"Good night, Dina." she whispered before locking the door behind her.

* * *

Ellie rubbed her eyes tiredly as she stumbled her way into the bar and took her regular seat. 

"Back already?" Cat asked, coming to stand opposite her."Your usual?"

The auburn-haired girl shook her head, bringing her hand up to rub at her neck. She can't remember a time when she didn't feel tired, but tonight she was absolutely exhausted. Her eyes stung and no amount of rubbing would appease them so she just allowed them to be red and itchy. Just allowed herself to feel emotionally exhausted.

"Actually, I'm hungry..." she finally managed to spit out.

Cat raised an eyebrow. "You hungry tonight, Ellie? Was your food earlier not enough?" she said with an amused tone. "I thought I sent you off with enough to feed an army."

"She was asleep so I just left it there and left." Ellie shrugged as nonchalantly as she could possibly appear.

"Oh." Cat mouthed before giving a gentle smile.

"Sorry, I know it's late." Ellie looked up and met her eyes with an easier smile. "But... do you think you could make me something? I'm starving."

Cat smiled back, giving her a thumbs up. "I'll rustle you up something quick. Here." she reached down under the counter and grabbed a glass, pouring Ellie a drink and handing it to her. "To tide you over. Won't belong."

Ellie held the glass tightly between her hands, gazing into the liquid. She stayed like this until Cat returned, placing a plate of bacon and eggs in front of her.

"Thanks, Cat." she mumbled, her stomach giving a small grumble at the smell. "This looks great."

"You're not allowed to change your mind if it doesn't taste great though," she replied with a wink. "Is there anything else I can get you tonight, Ellie?"

"I'm good, Cat. Really, thank you."

Picking up the fork she began to slowly shovel the food into her mouth. As hungry as she felt it only took a few mouthfuls to feel full but she forced herself to keep going until all the food was gone.

"Thanks, Cat." Ellie mumbled again. "I really needed that."

Cat waved her hand dismissively. "Any time."

The older woman watched as Ellie rose to her feet and started for the door. When she looked down to clear the dishes, she smiled with a small shake of her head. She grabbed Ellie's full glass and emptied it down the sink.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick ol' setting the scene for later chapter

Ellie took a deep breath, drawing the early morning air into her lungs. They had begun the hike up the mountain at the crack of dawn so they would be able to return before it got too late. Even though it was only early, the humidity had already stained their skin with a faint sweat. 

When the sun began to rise, it brought with it the stinking heat. They knew it was coming, the heat of the early morning had given it away, it didn't make it any less awful for their patrol though.

Ellie wiped her forehead with the back of her arm, it didn't make a difference. The sweat from her forehead had just transferred to the back of her arm, and the sweat from the back of her arm had moved to her forehead. It had stopped it dripping into her eyes however, so for that, she was thankful.

She licked at her lips, the salt coating her mouth before disappearing in the dryness that enveloped it. 

She slid the sleeves of her flannel shirt off her arms before tying it around her waist. She had worn it for as long as she could to protect her skin from the sun, but there was only so much heat she could take. If she could have stripped right down she would. Maybe if it was just her and Dina on patrol, she might have.

She shook her head, remembering Dina from the night before. 

Remembering how peacefully she had slept for the first time in a long time.

She felt a smile creep its way on to her face and she looked down, the heat on her cheeks thankfully hiding the blush that had formed. Ellie thought about what would have happened that night if Dina hadn't fallen asleep. If they had put JJ down to bed and continued the night together. 

She felt hope swell in her chest and she couldn't help it as her smile widened.

She wasn't sure that it would have gone the way she wanted, that she would have stayed rather than Dina sending her home, but she felt hopeful for the potential of what might have happened. Maybe they would be able to pick it up on another night.  
Ellie thought she would ask when she got home.

As the four moved to the crest of the cliff, they peered over the edge. Ellie didn't allow herself to get to close to it, just enough that she would be able to see over and out into the valley below.

She rearranged her rifle on her shoulder before turning to face the man beside her. "Down there." she motioned with her head.

He crouched down and pulled a pair of binoculars from his pack before pulling them to his eyes and studying the land. "There's uh... a lot of them." he turned to face Ellie, his bright blue eyes piercing her. 

Ellie had decided at the start of the day to make more of an effort to learn everyone's names. To bond with them. It was hard at first, to make small talk and appear interested in what they had to say outside of their duty, but she was thankful that this patrol group hadn't been too chatty. 

She did her best to remember what she had learned about them, trying to force it into her memory so when she met them again she would have something to talk about. 

There was Victoria, tall with short blonde who was the daughter of one of the bakers in town. She smelled faintly of freshly baked bread and it made Ellie crave a baked good. She found herself walking a tad closer to her than the other two. She was quiet and reserved and Ellie liked that.

Then there was Dave, black hair, brown eyes, young and too confident for his years. He spoke loudly about everything and anything that came to his mind. But most of all he liked to talk about the girls of Jackson. Which ones he liked, which ones liked him, which ones he wished liked him. Ellie had rolled her eyes when Dina's name was on his list.

Finally, there was Jack. Dark brown hair and the bluest eyes Ellie had ever seen. He didn't have any family in Jackson, had arrived here a year ago on his own when his family had been separated. He hoped that they would find him here one day. He didn't say much, Ellie also liked that about him.

"What do we do?" Victoria asked, stepping back from the ledge. "There's more than I can count."

Ellie thought hard for a moment. They couldn't do anything, it was a large group of infected, and by the looks of it, the heard was heading straight towards Jackson. She worried that it might be too much for their walls to hold up to.

"How much ammo do you all have?" Ellie asked, stepping back beside the other girl.

The other two came back from the edge as the group crouched down and pulled apart the contents of their packs. 

"I think we have enough to take them... If we're smart about it." Jack finally replied, looking up to meet Ellie.

She took a deep breath, taking the time to study the group she was with. She was sure they were more than capable but wasn't sure she would be okay with losing any of them. She reasoned with herself that it would be for the greater good of the community, that's what they all accepted when they signed up for patrol.

She was certain she would bring them all back safely. She would give her life for that.

Ellie thought about trying to snipe them all from the ledge but even if they were all as good a shot as she was it would still have been too risky to waste all that ammo. The only thing they could really do was head back down the mountain and approach them head-on.

Ellie shrugged. "Sorry guys, I don't think we're going to make it back tonight."

* * *

  
It took them until morning to hike back down the hill and traverse the land to where they needed to be. It had been much more pleasant to move under the cover of darkness than it had been to move under the direct sunlight. It was still hot but not the same kind of hot it had been earlier.

Ellie had made the decision to rest midway through the night. She had wanted to keep going and was sure that the others had wanted the same yet she knew that they would be exhausted by the time they came anywhere close to the infected and when you're exhausted you make mistakes. She didn't want anyone to make mistakes on her watch.

She had learned a bit more about the people she was with as they sat around a small campfire and ate the portions of food they had packed. Ellie was thankful when Victoria had pulled some freshly baked bread from her pack, excitedly offering it to them all. Her father had baked it especially for the trip for them hoping to keep them full and well-nourished.

Ellie wasn't sure she had eaten anything so fast before and it kept her full all night.

Ellie couldn't sleep. She had spent the rest of the night laying on her back, hands on her stomach, and looking up at the stars.

By the time the sun had begun to rise, they had all gotten up and had packed their belongings ready to start the final part of their track.

If the infected were in fact coming the way she thought they were, they would be coming through a small track between two mountains. Ellie was sure it had once been a train track but time had been unforgiving to it.

She pointed it out on the map as they continued walking. "Right here. We aren't too far away now." she raised her hand and pointed to the land in front of her. 

She had been here once before and Joel had explained the bottling effect to her. What if there were too many of something coming at you if you filtered it through something it would be more manageable. 

She had explained this to the group and they all had agreed that this was the best option considering what they were working with. She could tell they were nervous, she was nervous too but she couldn't show it. Instead, she did her best to reassure them that they could do this and once it was over they would all head back to warm meals and hot showers.

Then they climbed one of the cliffs overlooking the tracks they saw them. The infected were moving at pace towards them and it wouldn't be long until they were finally here.

"So what's the plan again, boss?" Jack asked, fiddling with his rifle.

"Alright, Jack you go up on the left hill there," Ellie replied, pointing. "Victoria and Dave on the right. I'll wait down here... to keep them coming towards me. Whatever happens, I need you guys to keep firing until they're all dead."

"What do we do if they get through..." Victoria mumbled unsurely.

Ellie smiled and reached into her bag, digging out a couple of grenades she handed one to Jack and one to Victoria. "Pull the pin and drop these."

Victoria glanced over at Jack nervously.

"What, I don't get one?" Dave groaned.

"When you're not a kid, you can be trusted with one." Ellie smiled at him. "For now, the adults get the toys." 

"What about you?" Jack asked, sliding the grenade into his pack.

Ellie continued to riffle through her own, pulling out a small device. "When we were in Seattle, we came across some tripwire bombs. I'd seen them before, a man I met had rigged a whole town with these fuckers. They're pretty effective." she pulled some wire from her pack and stood.

Moving to the gap between the cliffs she set a peg, wrapped the wire around it, strolled to the other side, and placed another peg. She set the device against it and connected the wire.

"You guys should be safe up there. And I'll stand far enough to be safe."

All three seemed to raise their eyebrows in response.

"Trust me." Ellie said sternly with a nod.

They all nodded in response.

"Alright, go get in your positions."

* * *

  
It plan seemed to go off without a hitch. As the infected approached the tunnel they began to funnel through, their width getting thinner. When that began they took aim and began to fire. They were far enough to be safe but close enough that their bullets were effective enough to drop them in one shot. 

Ellie took aim and took down any that kept pushing through until the bodies were beginning to pile up. She hadn't really thought this would happen and she mentally kicked herself for not thinking of all the possible outcomes.

"Stop!" she yelled and the firing ceased, the infected began climbing over and pushing through the corpses to get through. "Let them push further through!"

They did as they were told and as they got closer to the end, Ellie raised her gun and started firing again, followed by a chorus of the others doing the same. 

  
Ellie frowned, knowing that they were beginning to get overwhelmed, there were far too many for them even trickling through the way they were. By the time they could reload their guns they were getting closer and closer to Ellie.

"Heads up!" Victoria yelled.

Ellie could faintly see the shimmer of something metallic being thrown towards the back of where the infected were piling in. It seemed like a moment of silence before there were a loud explosion and dirt, dust, and pieces of infected flew into the air and   
scattered the scenery before them.

"Another one!" Jack yelled, pulling the pin from his and tossing it in the same direction, towards the last bit of the group that had yet to come through. 

There was another explosion and more debris clouding their views.

* * *

"Phew." Victoria groaned, throwing her body down to the ground in exhaustion. 

Ellie looked up and smiled at the fact their faces where covered in dust from the explosions. She was sure her face would look the same but at least she couldn't see it herself.

"Holy fuck, that was crazy!" Dave laughed throwing his hands up in exaggeration. "Not gonna lie, thought they had us there for a moment."

Victoria hit him on the arm. "You're meant to back us, not the fucking dead."

He only shrugged, offering a smug smile. "I do... just, you know, there was a fucking lot of them."

Ellie felt as Jack's body fell beside her, hearing him heave a heavy breath. "That was rough."

"At least I was sure we would make it." Ellie laughed, watching as Dave rubbed at the back of his neck. "Is everyone okay?"

"My ears won't stop ringing," Victoria replied, hitting her hand against the side of her head.

"Oh yeah... That happens. 'Cause of the explosion." she gestured with her hands. "But it'll get better soon."

"Are you alright, Ellie?" Jack asked.

She looked down at her body, examining her arms and legs. She had a few scratches and bruises but they had nothing to do with what had just happened. "Yeah, I'm all good. Still in one piece."

Jack laughed. "Good. Dina would kill me if I let anything happen to you."

Ellie frowned and turned to face him.

He held up his hand in surrender. "She only asked that I not let you do anything stupid. I can't really classify that as not doing anything stupid but hell, it worked so it can't have been that bad."

Why would Dina ask this man to look out for her. She didn't know him.

There was a small whimper and Ellie snapped her head back, her hand coming to rest on her pistol.

"What was that?" Victoria asked, looking in the same direction the sound had come.

"I don't know..." Ellie mumbled rising to her feet. 

She drew her pistol and raised it, walking over the scrub where the whimpering was coming from. As she pulled the bushes to the side she pressed her finger on the trigger, ready to squeeze. 

Her heart fell in her chest.

"What is it?" Dave asked, coming to stand behind her.

"It's just some dog." Ellie frowned, studying the creature carefully, noticing the wound on its leg.

"Is it bit?" Dave leaned closer trying to peer down for a better look.

Ellie shook her head, crouching down and running her hand over the puppies coat. "I don't think so... I can't tell."

It cried and whimpered under her touch, turning its head and baring its teeth.

"What should we do with it? Put it down?" he turned to face Ellie.

Ellie's eyes fell on the dog's own brown ones. He was as scared as Ellie had always been when she was alone. Her eyes fell back to the wound before moving back to his face. She slowly reached out to place her hand on his stomach, allowing him to snap at her, he was too weak to do any damage. She left her hand there and willed him to be calm. He was small and likely starving.

"We can't leave it to die, can we?" Victoria frowned, moving to stand next to Dave. "That's not right." she turned to look at Dave before turning to look at Jack.

Jack only looked down. "It's probably not going to make it anyways, it looks pretty hurt. Besides, it would just be another mouth to feed."

"Ellie?" Victoria asked, almost pleading.

Ellie closed her eyes for a moment before sliding her pack off her shoulders and bringing it to rest in front of her. For a moment she rearranged her belongings before carefully lifting the pup and slipping him inside, zipping him up so only his head poked out the hole she had left for him.

"We'll take him back. If he dies, he dies but I'm not leaving anyone out here to die." she frowned, pulling the bag back on her shoulders.

It was heavier now and it was a long trek back but she would deal with that. If people had just walked away from her when she was hurt and broken she wouldn't be here, she wouldn't have survived. The dog would have a long road to recovery just like she had had but it would be up to him whether or not he pulled through.

* * *

  
When they finally made it back, they were met with relief. Relief that their one day trip that had turned in to three had returned the group safely. When they hadn't returned at their scheduled time they didn't want to think it but they thought the worst had happened.

While they tried to keep hopeful, it was hard.

Victoria's father had come to the gate to hug her so tightly that she had to push him away to leave. Dave's family had done the same. 

Tommy and Maria had met them with both anger and relief. Once Ellie had a quick debrief with them they were quicky to usher her home. To get some food and get some rest.

Ellie shuffled the bag off her shoulder and gently placed it at her feet before unzipping it and lifting the dog out. 

Maria folded her arms and arched her eyebrow. "Did you really just bring back a dog, Ellie?"

She shrugged casually. "I couldn't just leave him out there. What do I do with him?" she set him down on the ground.

Tommy laughed. "I think Joel would have done the same. Is he okay?" he asked, crouching down on one knee.

Ellie shook her head. "I don't know... His leg is pretty bad and he's pretty weak. He probably won't make it."

Tommy ruffled the top of its head, giving its ears a good shake. "He's a cute one. What are you going to call him?"

Ellie shook her head again hard. "I'm not going to call him anything. He's not mine."

Tommy watched as she turned away. "What are you going to do with him?" 

Ellie huffed. "I don't know! Someone can find him a home or whatever."

Tommy gave a small smile and looked back down at the dog. "Alright, we'll find you a good home, boy." he turned to look at Maria. "We can take him and get this leg of his fixed up."

She nodded and turned back to Ellie. "You did well out there... Thank you for bringing everyone back home safely."

Ellie swiped at her nose with the back of her hand. "We were just doing our jobs. Well... I'll see you guys tomorrow and we can talk about what happened properly. "

They both gave a small nod as Ellie turned to leave.

There was a sharp cry as the dog leaped out of Tommy's grasp and bounded towards Ellie before sitting at her feet. She looked down at him and scowled. "Get going, you runt," she muttered trying to shoo him. "You're not coming home with me."

"I don't think you have a choice in the matter, Ellie." Maria laughed, resting her hand on Tommy's shoulder.

There was a groan as Ellie walked off towards home, the little puppy following closely behind her.


	10. Chapter 10

Ellie lifted her arm and placed it over her eyes, trying to shield them from the brightness that was peering through the windows. She groaned in frustration at the lack of sleep that had come to her. She thought after being out for three days she would be able to come home and rest. She was exhausted enough to expect that to happen but it hadn't.

When she felt herself drifting off either the puppy that laid down expectantly by the side of her bed would whine or she would think of Dina, wondering if she was worried about her if she should go over and tell her that she was back and she was okay.

Even if Dina had wanted that of Ellie it was too late by the time they got back. She didn't want to wake up her or JJ for no reason.

Finally resigning to the fact that she wasn't going to get any more sleep she sat up, throwing her legs over the side of the bed and dropping them to the floor to ground her body. She felt dizzy from moving too fast and brought her hand to her head to steady herself.

She really needed something to eat and she really needed some sleep.

She looked down at the dog that had sat up with her, looking up at her expectantly.

What was she going to do with a dog?

After she had arrived home last night she had put him in the bath and bathed his wounds, making sure they were clean and tidy. The whole time he had watched her, his eyes not leaving her. When she had got up to get a towel he had jumped straight out after her. She cursed at the mess she had to clean up but she felt her heart slipping.

He had allowed her to stitch the wound without too much fuss and had gratefully accepted the food that Ellie had offered him, wolfing it down as his life depended on it. For how broken he had appeared to be when she found him, he seemed like a new dog now.

"Stupid Dog," she muttered, sliding him away with her foot only for him to bound back.

Ellie sighed and rose to her feet, walking over to the kitchen with a yawn she poured a glass of water for herself. She finished it in a few gulps before grabbing a bowl and filling it with water, putting it down for the dog that was still at her feet. She watched as he began to lap it up, sending water flying everywhere.

"Stupid Dog," she muttered again, this time with a small smile.

She sat back down on the edge of her bed and grabbed the pants on the floor, pulling them on to her legs before pulling one of her hoodies overhead. She put her shoes on with an exaggerated grown, cursing her body for feeling older than it actually was. Looking down at the dog again she shook her head before standing and grabbing her jacket and reaching for the handle. 

"Stop." she said sternly as she turned around and glared at the dog. "Wait here."

The dog sat and cocked his head at her.

"You can't come." she mumbled stepping through the door and shutting it behind her. 

Before she even took two steps the highest pitch scream erupted from the other side of the door. She inwardly cringed taking another step forward. He would stop eventually, right? 

It didn't stop.

The further she got away the louder he seemed to cry until Ellie found herself back to her door. With a frown, she opened it up and the puppy came bounding out like he hadn't been crying for the past few minutes. He sat beside her and like earlier looked expectantly up at her.

"Alright, let's go get some food then, you mutt." she grumbled, raising her hand to pinch the bridge of her nose.

* * *

"So, you disappear for three days and come back with a dog?" Cat mused, placing her fingers to her chin as she studied the puppy that sat beside Ellie.

"He's not my dog." she groaned.

"Sure looks like he is." she laughed, placing her slender hand on the other girl's shoulder.

"You can have him if you want?" she asked hopefully.

Cat shook her head. "From the way Tommy was gushing about him this morning, anyone would have thought you had given him a grandson."

"Cat!" Ellie groaned, dropping her forehead to the table.

She laughed and gave Ellie's shoulder a final pat before taking a seat at the table opposite her. "So what are you going to call him?"

"Ugh, not you too. I'm not calling him anything. I don't have a dog." 

Cat smiled and arched her eyebrow. "But look how good he is! He's sleeping right by your feet."

Ellie rolled from her forehead on to her cheek. "He's a nightmare. I didn't get any sleep last night."

Ellie sat up and whispered a thank you when her food was placed in front of her. She glanced down at the dog at her feet before grabbing some meat from her plate and holding it down for him to eat.

"Not your dog, eh?" Cat laughed and earned a death stare in return.

* * *

  
Ellie crouched down calling the dog to her, watching him bound awkwardly towards her and following her command. She had been working with him all afternoon and was finally beginning to see progress. He was still young and she was certain she could get him to where she could tell him to stay and he would.

Hopefully.

When he ran into her arms, she rubbed the side of his face smooshing his cheeks. "Are you a good boy?"

He barked and pranced around in her hands before bounding off.

"Hey!" she grumbled, rising to her feet.

Her eyes fell to Dina who was crouched down and petting him enthusiastically. She looked up and smiled when she met Ellie's eyes.

She looked tired, Ellie thought with a frown.

Looking down and stuffing her hands in her pockets she walked over to close the gap between herself and Dina, shifting the dirt as she watched her rub the dog's belly.

"Yours?" she asked with an eyebrow raised, continuing to rub him all over.

"Sorta..." she replied trailing off. "Kinda can't get rid of him."

Dina gave him one final pat before rising to her feet. "He's cute."

Ellie gave a small nod and looked down at him. "I think JJ will love him."

Dina met her smile with a laugh. "I think you're right. You'll have to bring him around one day."

Ellie wanted to ask if she could bring him tonight. Or now. But there had been too long between her last word for her to finally get it out.

"So... I heard about what happened while you were out." Dina finally spoke, tilting her head to the side. "I was pretty worried about you for a while. Thought you'd gone off and finally gotten yourself killed. And everyone else."

"I wouldn't do that." she quickly choked out.

Dina nodded. "I know you wouldn't do that. I know you would get yourself killed though."

Ellie could only laugh. 

Looking down at the dog that had rested it's entire body against her leg, she gave him one final pat on the head. 

"What's his name?"

"I don't know... Dog?"

"Ellie! You can't just call him Dog. He needs a good name."

"Mutt?" she smiled, waving her hand dismissively at Dina.

Dina pouted in return and glared at her.

"How about something like Koby? Like Kobayashi..."

Dina laughed. "Like from your comic?"

Ellie blushed and looked down.

"You're such a fucking nerd. Koby, huh? I think that suits him."

"I think he likes you..." Ellie nodded to the dog at her side.

"Stop trying to give him away, Ellie." she scolded. "Anyways... I just wanted to see if you were okay. I'm glad you're okay."

Ellie pulled a face and looked down. "Yeah, I'm okay, Dina."

"Well, I better get going then... I have to go pick up JJ." she smiled as she stepped away from the dog.

Ellie shook her head and rolled her eyes as the dog bounded after Dina in the same awkward way he had run to her earlier. She wanted to go after Dina like he was. Maybe he was trying to tell her something she thought when the dog stopped and looked back at her.

"Koby, come here." she sighed.


	11. Chapter 11

The rain fell down around them faster than it was clearing away. They were all soaked and miserable.

There was no idle chit chat as they left their horses, moving deeper through the abandoned town. It was hard to hear anything through the water pounding on the pavement of the overgrown road but they still all listened as keenly as they could.

Ellie and the young, Jack, took the first building on the left, the other two taking the one on the right. Divide and conquer was the way Ellie saw it. The sooner this was done, the sooner they would be home and out of this weather. She still didn't know much about Jack. They had been out a few times together but seemed more than capable enough to take care of himself.

She grabbed her pistol from the holster, crouching low as she stalked along the wall on the left side of the big, open building. Jack had taken the other side. 

She narrowed her eyes and listened hard, trying her best to see through the darkness, the only source of light came from the mostly covered windows, the few cracks in the ceiling and the shattered glass roof windows. Carefully she watched her step, delicately placing one foot in front of the other making sure not to stand on any of the debris that would make any sound.

She froze in her tracks hearing glass crunch under Jack's boots to her right. The place was littered with it from the shattered ceiling windows. She mentally cursed at him as she turned and their eyes met. He gave an apologetic smile in response, lifting his foot carefully from the glass and putting it on clear ground.

Shaking her head she turned her attention back to her front. 

She heard it before she saw it. The loud pads of the hands and feet galloping along the ground growing closer until there was a feral moan and she was tackled to the ground, a stalker doing it's best to make her his next meal. 

Every time she managed to make ground with shaving it away, it came back more vicious than before sensing the weakness in her failing limbs. With a groan, she summoned all the strength she had in her body and shoved him off enough that he hit the ground and tumbled away. With another growl, he scuttered off as Jack came pouncing over. 

"Are you okay?" he asked in a hushed tone, only glancing down for a moment before raising his eyes and his gun to watch out for the coming stalker attack.

Ellie pushed herself up off the ground, grimacing in pain as she fell forward on to her hands and knees. She reached over her waist and felt the cause of it. A long, thick shard of glass piercing her side. 

"Uh, Ellie, you good? Cause we got company," he whispered, tilting his head towards her as he spotted one of the stalkers crouching behind a shelf in front of them. 

He took aim at it, ready to fire when it decided to pop out. Instead, it went back behind the cover and disappeared.

"I fucking hate these things." he groaned.

Ellie curled her fingers around the shard of glass, preparing herself to pull it out. She knew logically that it should stay in but she wouldn't be able to maneuver with it still embedded in her skin.

Suddenly there was more thumping to the right, Jack turned and the barrel of his gun came face to face with a stalker. He allowed himself time to hope that it was the one he had just spotted before he pulled the trigger. One bullet directly to what was left of their brains and the stalker dropped with a thud to the ground.

The shot rang through the building, echoing off the empty walls.

It wasn't the same one.

Ellie opened her eyes and looked up as another one bounded towards her. She knew Jack wouldn't have time to turn around and deal with it for her. Taking a deep breath she gritted her teeth, pulling the glass from her side in one fluid moment. She exhaled heavily, holding it so tight in her fist that it cut into her palm as blood continued to spill from the gash it left in her side. As the stalker lunged at her she stumbled to her feet, bringing her hand around to stab the tip of the glass into the side of its head. It collapsed against her and she weakly shoved it away allowing the corpse to fall to the ground.

Dropping the shard, she moved her hand to her side to put pressure on the wound, hoping this would at least stem the bleeding enough for her to get out. 

After nothing else appeared to be moving around them, Jack turned and placed his large hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

She wasn't, but she still gave a nod in response. "Let's just get out of here."

Jack nodded back, they both were a bit more cautious as they scoured the rest of the complex.

When they finished their sweep through of the buildings on the left side, they met back up at their rendezvous in the center of the small town. The orange hues of the mostly missing sun painted the horizon and signaled it would soon be night time. Together they debriefed, they both teams seeming to have trouble on their respected sides they cleared.

"Stalkers though..." Jack began. "That's a little strange, right?"

Ellie only partially listened as she knelt down and unzipped her backpack, riffling through it until she found the medical kit she was searching for. 

"Yeah." Richard, one of the others agreed. "I've never actually seen one before, only heard about ém. And to see so many of them here now?"

Lifting her shirt enough to expose the wound, she did her best to see it but it was too far around on her side and only could see the bloody mess that surrounded it. Looking down she emptied some alcohol out on to a rag and brought it up to the mark, clenching her teeth so hard she thought she would crack one as the pain shot through her body.

"Do you think there's a reason?" Jack replied.

After wiping up as much of the blood as she could and gently cleaning the wound, she placed a piece of gauze down, laying tape around the outside before reaching around and sticking it to her side. It wasn't enough to stop the bleeding, but it was enough to slow it down until they got back. Packing everything back into her bag she rose to her feet. 

"I don't know, man. Whatever it was, they're cleared out now." Richard remarked, waving dismissively.

Jack looked over his shoulder at Ellie. "What do you think?"

Ellie slid the backpack back over her shoulders, shifting slightly until she found a spot where it sits nicely on her back without causing her too much discomfort.

"I don't know..." she began, only just now being able to being to process what had just happened. "You know it's a lot more active after Spring."

"Yeah, but stalkers? More Runners or Clickers maybe, but Stalkers?"

Ellie took a deep breath. "Yeah, you're right. I don't think I've ever seen any so close to this part before." she paused, thinking back to all the previous patrols.

Sure there were often groups of infected around at this time, occasionally a bloater or a shambler in the deepest and most hidden parts of towns but never had she come across their more devious counterparts.

"We'll talk to Maria and Tommy about it when we get back." she finished. There was nothing that they would be able to do just standing around talking about it.

They all nodded. 

"Let's get going."

* * *

  
Ellie pulled her hood up, briefly closing her eyes as she trudged with her horse's reins in her hands. It was cold and the rain from earlier was still unrelenting. If it wasn't bucketing down it was a constant drizzle, leaving no time for the group to dry out keeping them constantly soaked and miserable. 

Her clothes felt heavy on her body and clung to her skin in a way that made her feel uncomfortable but at least the rain had hidden any remnants of the blood on her clothes. 

Her face was so cold now that it burnt and it had been a long time since she had had the feeling in her fingers but they weren't far from being home. She thought about a long, hot shower and a warm house with the fire going, maybe a hot meal.  
Only one of those things would be possible, but it made the trip easier.

When they stepped through the gates of Jackson, there was a collective sigh as everyone appreciated the fact that they had made it back safely and they were finally out of the cold. They chatted with the stable hands, but Ellie moved to go put her horse away and get her dried off.

There was a bark as Koby came bounding up to her, throwing his body against her leg as he sat down on top of her foot. She winced at the sudden pain the jolt threw through her body but smiled as she gently pat him on the head.

He couldn't come out with her, he wasn't trained nearly well enough nor did she trust him to come out with her. Not that she thought he would run away, she was just worried about him getting hurt. Now that she had bonded with him, she couldn't bear the idea of losing him. When she went out on patrol, he would lay at the gate and wait for her to return. No one was able to make him budge.

"Ellie."

She stopped feeling a hand clapped on to her shoulder, turning around to meet his bright blue eyes. 

Jack smiled as their eyes met. "Are you okay? You never answered me before."

Ellie wasn't sure she had ever been this close to this man, nor had she ever looked so deeply into his eyes. She felt his gaze burning into her. If it hadn't been so cold and her cheeks weren't already red she was sure a pink hue would have danced along her skin. 

  
She wasn't certain when she had started noticing him more, or when she had been paired with him on patrols more. She racked her brain trying to remember, thinking it odd how he had always just seemed to be there now but she couldn't quite place her finger on what it was.

"I'm alright," she mumbled.

Jack gave her shoulder a tighter reassuring squeeze in response and flashed another kind smile. "I'll go talk to Tommy and Maria, you go get yourself cleaned up."

Ellie opened her mouth to argue but instead closed it again and gave a small nod as she brought her eyes up to meet his again. 

"Good." Jack removed his hand from her shoulder before giving her a pat on the side of the arm. "You did great today. I'm not sure I would have made it out of there if it wasn't for you..." he paused. "I'll uh, see you later."

Ellie watched as he turned and left, heading towards Tommy and Maria's house.

She shook her head hard and made a small clicking sound with her mouth, leading their horse to it's stable. She took a little extra time making sure she was taken care of, warm, and fed before exiting the stall. 

Before leaving the stables she of course went passed Japan's stall. He hadn't been out today but she still gave him a good scratch and a treat as had become customary. She wasn't sure the horse would allow her to leave without one.

She whistled and Koby followed closely behind.

* * *

As she stumbled through the streets, soaked from head to toe they briefly stopped in front of the bar, thinking about going in for a drink.

Just one she thought to herself before shaking her head clear of those thoughts. It definitely would have made getting treated more bearable.

She continued on to the clinic to get wounds seen to.

When she came through the door, she was shocked to see Dina sitting behind the desk. She hadn't realized she would be on duty tonight. She watched, her head lowered in a book and clearly engrossed. She always looked so peaceful when she was deep in thought, Ellie didn't want to disturb that but knew she had to.

"Uh... Hello." Ellie finally croaked, looking down nervously, her hand still grasping at her side.

She had hoped this trip to the clinic would be a little bit more uneventful.

"Ellie?" Dina looked up from her book, closing it and putting it down on the counter. "Is everything okay?" she asked, noticing the small girl before she was soaked to the bone.

"I just uh... Got hurt today," she mumbled, lifting her hand away from her side to show the blood on her palm. "Might need a bit of help getting fixed up, if that's alright..."

Ellie watched as Dina's face crumpled in worry. She jumped to her feet and rushed over to her grabbing her free arm to help lead her to one of the spare beds. Ellie did her best to pull away.

"I can manage," Ellie replied in response. "I'm sort of wet... Don't need you getting sick too."

"Oh, don't be silly." Dina dismissed, grabbing her arm again and helping her along to a bed to hop upon. "It's my job... Honestly, Ellie, you can't go one patrol without getting hurt? What happened?"

There was a small bark and both their attention turned towards Koby.

"Down. Stay, Koby." Dina frowned, pointing to the ground and was met with a gentle whine as he complied.

He never listened to anyone, Ellie mused to herself.

"I didn't get hurt last time..." Ellie blinked slowly, looking up to meet Dina's worried gaze. "It was nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing." Dina countered, challenging her.

Ellie thought about lying but resigned to the fact that she couldn't like to the smaller woman. She would likely know straight away. "It was just some Stalkers. They came out of nowhere. It wasn't them. I uh... I fell on some glass."

Dina shook her head. "You're an idiot."

"I'm an idiot?" Ellie replied with as much of a smile she could muster.

"Yeah." Dina huffed, looking her over for anything else out of place. "Is that it?"

"That's it." Ellie nodded, raising her hand in front of her. "Scouts honor."

Dina moved to stand in front of Ellie, reaching to place a hand to her wet coat. "You don't even know what the scouts were." she whispered softly as if almost saying the words were a new taboo. "Let's get you out of these clothes."

At first, Ellie went to fight the smaller girl, she could do it herself but after taking a deep breath she resigned to the fact that she likely needed help and that's all that Dina was trying to do. This was her job today.

Dina gave a small smile as she felt Ellie sigh against her touch, her shoulders slumping forward and relaxing as she pulled the coat off them and down her arms. One layer off.

Reaching to the hem of her shirt, she kept her eyes downcast. "Arms up."

Ellie obliged and lifted them, wincing and gritting her teeth as the wound contorted with her movements but she still did as she was told.

"You're a baby." Dina muttered in jest, still keeping her eyes down as she lifted the thin material over her head leaving her only in her bra. She could feel Ellie's eyes burning into her at every moment, watching everything she was doing and she couldn't handle it. She wouldn't have anyone else stitch up Ellie but she found it hard to do herself.

Her brown eyes fell over the rest of Ellie's bare skin. Every scare that Dina knew she had, and every new one she hadn't seen yet. She studied the way her ribs stuck out as if her bones were just simply wearing her skin. She frowned for a second, reaching out her hand and delicately tracing her fingertips along a particularly bad scar she had never seen before.

Ellie blushed, a shiver taking hold of her spine. She thought hard before she spoke unable to take the silence anymore. "That one I got in Las Vegas..." 

Dina finally moved on and examined the hole in her side. "What happened in Vegas?" she asked, hoping to distract Ellie from what she was doing.

Ellie closed her eyes, remembering the most terrifying moment of her whole trip. "I'd never seen so many, I wasn't sure I'd make it out of there alive..." she paused before starting again. "You wouldn't even be able to push your way through the streets if you tried to walk through them. I got it while trying to get away from them. Everywhere I went there were more... I was trapped. I thought I was going to die there. There were people that I saw that never made it... they were just kids."

Ellie thought for a second why Dina had never asked her about the trip earlier, about whether or not she had killed Abby. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference to her.

Dina rested her hand on Ellie's knee, sensing her get upset and looked up to meet her eyes when they opened. "It's okay." She thought back to the journal she had read that she shouldn't have, knowing the fear in her writing and the horrible things she had seen.

Ellie nodded and again shivered, suddenly realizing how exposed she was in this situation.

"I'm sorry, you're cold..." Dina whispered, shuffling off. It didn't take long til she came back with a blanket, draping it around Ellie's shoulders. "Better?"

"Better." Ellie nodded.

Dina moved around the clinic, grabbing the supplies she needed to patch the girl up, trying to think about anything other than the fact that Ellie was half-naked in the room with her. If what had happened in the past hadn't happened, this would have been an ideal situation for her. 

But it had. And no amount of wishing could take that away. She couldn't forget that.

"I'm sorry, this is going to hurt."

Ellie nodded again. She expected nothing less.

Soaking a rag with antiseptic, she sat down on a chair, scooting it close to the side of the bed that Ellie sat on to get a better angle. Dina placed the rag against her skin.

Ellie gave a small cry and shifted against her touch.

Dina rested her hand on her thigh to comfort her and pushed it harder against her skin, studying her wound as she continued to clean it. Taking her time to make sure that it was perfectly cleaned. "Thank you..."

"For what?" Ellie whispered softly, trying to focus on anything but what she was doing.

"For the other night... You should have woken me up though." Once she had cleaned up the wound enough, she put the now blood-soaked rag down and picked up some tweezers, beginning to pick out any extra debris that was lodged in the jagged flesh.

She gave a small shrug in response. "You seemed exhausted."

"I was." Dina replied, earning a wince from Ellie as she dug out a small piece of buried glass.

"Do you feel better?" she asked. "I mean, after getting some rest?" she added when Dina didn't respond straight away.

"Mhmm." 

When Dina was satisfied there was nothing left in there, she picked up the rag again, holding it under the wound while she squirted the solution deep in the cut to flush it out.

"JJ and I slept in, actually."

"That's good." Ellie replied, holding her breath. It was more painful than she would admit.

"Cat said you stopped by the bar afterward."

Ellie froze, she wasn't sure if the fact that Cat and Dina had spoken was a good thing or a bad thing. It had never been good before and that thought terrified her.

"I'm glad you ate something."

Ellie exhaled the breath she didn't know she was holding and looked down, watching Dina grab a needle and thread it. 

"I was hungry." she admitted.

Ellie closed her eyes, remembering how peaceful Dina and JJ had looked on the couch together. Silence fell over the two as Dina did her best to delicately stitch her wound in a way that wouldn't scare too bad even though she knew Ellie wouldn't care and Ellie did her best to pretend that she wasn't in pain.

"Tell me about your trip." Dina asked with uncertainty.

It was different hearing a first-hand account than reading it in some book.

Ellie remained still, thinking back to everything she had risked, everything she had lost.

"I didn't do it." she finally murmured breaking the silence that had fallen between them as Dina worked. "I couldn't do it. All the nightmares, the rage, the anger... the guilt, it all got me there but I couldn't do it. Joel wouldn't have wanted this. I... didn't want this." she shut her eyes tight.

Dina hummed, pushing the needle through her skin and pulling it tight.

Ellie looked up to the ceiling. "I threw away everything for something I didn't believe in anymore. The whole time I knew it, but I couldn't come back. I couldn't come back knowing you'd be gone, knowing that I hadn't kept my word to Tommy. I wanted it all to mean something. But... " she paused, bringing her eyes back to Dina as she worked. "It was all a bit messed up, wasn't it? I wanted to keep my word to Tommy, but I hadn't kept my word to you."

Dina placed the last stitch before giving it another wipe to clean it. She had wanted to hear about where she went and how she got there, not this. She wasn't ready to deal with this yet.

"All done." she mumbled, cleaning up the utensils around her.

"Thank you." Ellie replied, watching her as she cleaned up. 

Ellie shifted on the bed, grabbing her wet clothes and sliding them back on her body chilling her instantly. She didn't bother with the jacket. Sliding off, she straightened up. The wound stung but it felt infinitely better being stitched up.

"Can I help you clean up?" Ellie asked, uncertain. Maybe she had overshared.

"No, it's okay." Dina shook her head, placing the last of the items away and searching the cupboard for the pills she needed. "Let's go." she motioned, leading Ellie towards the front door. Pausing for a moment she held the bottle out to her. "Take these."

"What are they?" Ellie asked, reading the strange name on the bottle followed by the name of a person who more than likely wasn't alive anymore.

"Antibiotics. Take one at night and one in the morning. With food. I can't give you anything stronger, sorry... We don't have a lot of stock right now."

"Oh." Ellie mumbled before stuffing them in her pocket. "Okay. Thank you." she offered a kind smile before turning towards the door. "Come on, Koby"

The dog snapped his large ears up to full attention and rose to his feet, falling to his owner's side.

"Ellie."

She paused, turning back to look at Dina. She couldn't read the expression on her face or the look behind her eyes but she felt certain it wasn't bad.

"Do you... I mean I finish soon, do you want to come home with me? I have some leftovers... So you can take those pills." 

Ellie looked down and nodded. "I'd really like that."


	12. Chapter 12

Ellie exited the door and took a seat on the step. She was so fucking cold, but she would endure anything just to spend a few moments with Dina. She leaned into Koby for warmth as he sat idly by her side.

It wasn't long until the lights turned out behind her and Dina appeared on the porch next to her. "Alright, let's get going."

Ellie rose to her feet and walked beside Dina, doing her best to keep her quick pace but she was tired and her side hurt. They walked in contented silence as Dina led her down the paths stopping outside of a house that she had only seen a few times before.

"Sorry, I've just got to pick up JJ." she offered, before stepping up and knocking on the door.

She watched as Jesse's mother opened the door and pulled Dina into a tight hug. "You must be exhausted, love. Why don't you stay for some food before you head home? JJ has just gone down to sleep."

Dina smiled kindly, giving the older lady a tight hug in return. "Another time. I'm just going to go home, have some food and crash. I'm tired. Thank you so much for looking after him today."

"No, don't be silly." Robin beamed. "Any time. He was such a good boy tonight."

Ellie awkwardly stood out on the street, fiddling with her hands in the nervous manner that she always had. As Dina went in, it left her exposed to the view of Robin. 

"Ellie." her smile fell.

"Hey, Robin..." she replied, raising her hand in an awkward wave.

"How have you been keeping?" she asked, folding her arms over her chest defensively.

"I've been good. Been keeping busy." she mumbled, sure that Robin had wanted to say something much worse to her.

"Staying out of trouble?" she asked with a raised brow.

Ellie opened her mouth to speak but was saved when Dina reappeared with JJ. Robins's face immediately melted as she cooed and placed a kiss to JJ's sleeping cheek.

"Thank you so much again." Dina smiled hugging the sleeping boy tightly to her shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Take care, love."

"They love having him." Dina finally spoke as they continue on to her house. "Makes them feel closer to Jesse."

"He's a good kid." Ellie nodded, looking over to Dina to look down at JJ.

"They're very protective of him, too. Of us." she said in warning.

"They're all they have left of their son."

Dina nodded. "It won't be as easy for some to forget what happened."

Ellie pulled a face knowing exactly what she was talking about. She didn't expect anyone to forgive what she had done, what she had caused, but the intrusive thoughts still caused her pain.

If she could go back and change anything, she would have pushed Jesse out of the way and sacrificed herself. After all, she was the one who Abby was after, Jesse was just helping out friends. She should have just turned back when Jesse told her they needed to take Dina back, but she had been far too consumed with rage to even consider it, despite her wanting her to be safe. She thought that she could protect her while they were there.

She snapped out of thought as she heard JJ stir.

"Shhh, buddy. Mama's here." she whispered in his ear, kissing the side of her face.

Ellie smiled as she watched the two. She wasn't sure there was anything more innocent and pure than JJ and Dina's love for the boy. She had loved him the same way, still loved him the same way, and the fact that she couldn't express that anymore haunted her in a way that hurt more than her revenge killings had. 

She would give anything to be able to express that love for them both again.

By the time they arrived at Dina's, JJ was wide awake. As Dina opened the door, Ellie kicked off her muddy boots outside, using the wall for support.

"What are you doing?" Dina asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Huh?" Ellie asked looking down. "Oh. My boots, they're dirty." she gestured to her shoes.

Dina only smiled and shook her head. "That never stopped you before."

Ellie gave an embarrassed smile before stepping into the door, her dog moving to follow her. "Koby, stay."

"He can come in..." Dina offered.

Ellie looked at Dina for a moment then back at him. "Okay, boy." she motioned and he happily ran inside as if it were his own him. Ellie wished she could be as carefree.

"I'll uh... go get you some dry clothes." Dina placed JJ down on the mat in the middle of the lounge and ruffled his hair before she was gone.

Koby only laid down and watched the small boy from a distance. Ellie watched carefully as JJ moved to his feet and slowly began to inch closer. JJ squealed in delight as he made it closer to the dog, only to fall right in front of him. The dog still did not move, his head glued to the ground and only his eyes following the boy.

JJ reached out and placed his hand on top of the dog's head, grabbing a fistful of the dog's fur and tugging. "Dowggy!" he yelled, using his free hand to grab his ear.

"Bud..." Ellie smiled when she felt the dog's eyes moving to her. "You have to be gentle with him..." she grabbed her hand and opened his fist, showing him how to pat him. "See, gentle."

JJ looked back to the dog, doing the same motion Ellie had shown him.

"Good. Just like that." she ran a hand over the back of Koby's neck. "That's a good boy. Koby this is JJ. Just like Dina, you have to take good care of JJ, okay? Even better care than you take of me." she whispered before returning her attention back to JJ. "Have you found a new friend, JJ?"

"Here."

Ellie's attention snapped back up to Dina who was lingering at the bottom of the stairs. She gave her a sincere smile. "JJ made a new friend."

Ellie stood and moved closer to Dina, taking the clothes from her hand. She stood close enough to her that she could smell her scent and she allowed herself to take a deep breath, the memories flooding back to her. 

Dina looked down, allowing her fingers to linger against Ellie's skin. "You can uh, get dressed in the bathroom."

When Ellie returned she felt a wide smile creep on to her face. Dina and JJ were on the floor together playing with Koby who had rolled on to his back allowing the baby to climb all over him.

"I don't think you're going to get this dog back." Dina remarked, happily watching her child play.

"Who's trying to give my dog away now, huh?"

Dina shot her a glance and then rolled her eyes before getting up and putting the leftovers back on the stove. "It's just some soup, I hope that's okay?"

Ellie nodded, with Koby watching over JJ she turned her attention to Dina. "That sounds great. I am pretty hungry." she admitted freely, running her hand over her stomach.

"I'm glad you've got your appetite back." she replied meeting Ellie's gaze before turning her attention back to the stove. "I promise not to burn it this time."

Ellie allowed a sincere laugh to fall from her lips. 

"Are you feeling better, Dina?" Ellie asked after a moment.

"Hmm?" Dina replied, stirring the pot.

"You uh, the other day when I saw you you looked tired is all. Like you hadn't really been sleeping."

"You really know how to woo a girl, don't you Ellie?" Dina asked with a hum.

"No, no! It's not that..." Ellie frowned shaking her head hard.

"I'm just fucking with you." Dina laughed, looking over her shoulder. "I just wasn't really sleeping. I'm sleeping a bit better now. Are you? Sleeping better, I mean."

Ellie nodded and looked down to fiddle with her hands. "A bit, yeah. Was it because of me?"

Dina turned around, two bowls in her hands, and placed one in front of Ellie's, allowing their eyes to meet as she did so. "Not everything is about you, Ellie Williams." she pulled her hand away and moved to sit opposite her.

Ellie could tell when she was lying.

Ellie picked up her spoon and dipped it into her bowl before bringing to her mouth. It tasted almost exactly like Dina would make back at the farm. Maybe missing a few of the extra herbs she used to add to everything. Maybe she couldn't get it here. Ellie decided to make a mental note to keep an eye out for them in the future to bring back to her.

"Is it good?" Dina finally asked, lifting her gaze from her own bowl.

"Good." Ellie repeated, shoveling another spoon into her mouth.

"Good..." Dina mumbled, dropping her attention back to her bowl again.

"Thank you. Y'know, for patching me up. I really should start being careful, huh?" Ellie finally spoke, trying to ease some of the tension in the air.

She watched as a small smile crept its way on Dina's face.

"I don't think you'll ever change. If there's one thing I can count on, it's that you're going to get hurt. You're lucky you always had me to patch you up."

Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat. 

Had.

"Yeah, well. Someone has to keep everyone in the clinic on their toes. What would you do otherwise? Be bored." Ellie managed to break the lingering silence.

"Seriously though, be more careful." Dina spoke sternly, bringing her eyes up to linger on Ellie's and holding her attention. "I don't want to see you get hurt anymore."

Ellie raised her hand to rub at the back of her neck. "What if you don't see it?"

"You're such a dick, Ellie." Dina grumbled.

Ellie watched as Dina ate her food, studying everything about her. She wished she didn't feel what she felt, that she could have just moved on her sake but she wasn't sure that was something she could ever do. She wondered how obvious it was that she was pining for a future that she had thrown away? How pathetic she would seem if Dina only knew.

She felt a blush creep it's away on to her face but she couldn't look away.

"What?" Dina asked with a raised brow.

"Nothing." Ellie shook her head and finally looked away, her blush only deepening. 

She turned her attention back to JJ and Koby who were playing together on the ground. Koby leaning forward and prancing around and JJ on his feet trying to chase after him. 

"I think I want to try and be your friend again."

"Huh?" Ellie snapped her attention back.

"We can do that, right? Be friends?" Dina asked, fiddling with her hands on her lap under the table.

Ellie looked down. Just friends? She wasn't sure she could just be friends with Dina. But something was better than nothing so instead, she just gave a nod in return.

"I'd like that."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll are gonna hate me in a few chapters, I swear.

A couple of days a week, for the next few weeks the two women fell into a familiar routine. Ellie, after her work had finished for the day, or when Dina had finished her shifts at the clinic or came home from patrol they would have dinner together. Ellie had been happiest on these days, knowing she would get to share a meal with the woman she loved and see the baby she considered her own.

Summer had begun to settle over Jackson. The nights were getting hotter and longer and more people were spending longer and longer out on the streets.

Koby was bigger now too, surely close to being a full-sized dog. Not far off from being waist height. She never would have guessed he would have been this size from the runt she had found.

Ellie had always thought that everyone was happier in Summer. The longer nights meant that they could get more done, that they seemed to have more time to spend with loved ones. The cold no longer restricted them to the confines of their own homes.  
Summer made a lot of people happy.

Ellie never much cared for summer. It was too hot and she much preferred wearing layers of clothes that she felt comfortable in rather than barely anything. She found sleeping annoying and sticky and in the mornings it was hard to get up when the sun was no longer rising when she thought it should.

Ellie sat at her desk, a pencil in hand, and continued working on the drawing she had started for Dina. One of Dina, JJ, and Koby together on the floor. An image now burned into her memory from their nights together.

She paused for a moment, fiddling with the record playing that sat on the corner of her desk. When she wasn't working or out with JJ and Dina, she had really enjoyed beginning to draw again. She didn't quite feel the same level of contentedness as she had felt at the farm, but she was much closer to it than she had been before. 

She looked down at Koby who was sitting at her side, his head rested on her lap. He looked up at her and she looked back at him. She never thought she would grow so attached to a dog, but he had really become part of her life and she knew she would protect him just as well as he would protect her. She placed her hand to the top of his head giving his fur a good ruffle before turning her attention back to her picture.

She wanted to make sure she got every detail perfect even if that meant she had to spend countless hours doing it. It was important to her.

When she was sure she had it perfect, she blew the top of it, brushing any lead shavings or eraser marks off the page. She was pretty happy with this one and it would make a good gift for Dina. Looking down she opened her draw, reaching in she grabbed the wooden frame she had picked up from one of her patrols.

Her eyes fell to the small box that sat underneath it.

She frowned and slammed the drawer shut. 

Closing her eyes she clenched her hands into tight firsts, willing the pounding in her heart to cease. She had almost forgotten it was there she tried to convince herself.

But she would never truly forget.

She had beat herself up forgetting it, for keeping it and had convinced herself that one day she would get rid of it but she knew she never would.

It would always be a reminder of what she had done and what she had lost. Sometimes she thought she needed that reminder when she felt too comfortable. When she thought things were getting too much back on track, she needed that reminder to remember that they never would be the way they were supposed to be.

She had moved this box to this draw when Dina had begun inviting her over for dinner, in some vain attempt at not remembering things. Hiding it away from view to stop herself thinking about it. But she couldn't stop. It was always looming there in the back of her mind.

She had written about it in her journal countless times before, what Joel had once told her it had meant, in a time before the world turned to shit. What it had meant to her. She longed to read what she had written back then but she still hadn't been able to find her journal.

Pinching the bridge of her nose to will the tears to disappear she busied herself by grabbing the frame again. Popping open the back tabs she removed the backing and inserted her picture before popping them back in place and turning it over to set against the table. She ran her fingers over the glass remembering the scene that played out almost every night.

She never drew herself in the pictures anymore.

That wasn't her family anymore. 

It was where she felt happy, and she would return every night but it didn't feel right including her in a moment that wasn't hers. 

She wiped at her cheek, catching the lone tear on her sleeve before pushing away from the table and moving to her bed, flopping down on top of the covers. She curled up, hugging her knees to chest.

She tried hard not to let the tears fall, she really did but it wasn't long until her body was wracked with hard, even sobs. It was getting harder and harder to show that she was happy and doing okay when in reality she was only just fine.

She felt like Dina always knew. That Dina could always tell that there were only a few threads tethering her in place. In those moments Dina would place her hand on top of hers and smile and that smile would be enough for the moment.

Ellie tried to convince herself that everything was okay, that everything about what they were doing was normal, that that's just what friends did but she knew it wasn't true. What they were doing wasn't what friends do.

She overanalyzed every moment. Every glance in her direction, every ounce of contact, always second-guessing if it was accidental or on purpose. 

And when they spoke, no matter how sincere the conversation, there was always a feeling of audible cracks.

The bed shifted and she reached out as Koby laid down beside her and she sobbed into his fur. He settled his body against hers and allowed her tears to stain his coat.

She wasn't sure what she would do without him. He had become a good friend to her and a source of guaranteed comfort. A constant in her life and she was thankful that he had followed her home that night she had tried to give him to Tommy as if he knew she would need him.

She closed her eyes tightly, waiting until her breathing became even again. Her eyes fell on the old hamsa bracelet that sat loosely around her wrist. It was worn now and the silver of the icon was tarnished but she never took it off. It was always there. She knew Dina noticed and would sometimes find her staring at it but she had never said anything about it. Ellie had thought about asking if she wanted it back but she never would.

She would never willingly give it back.

Ellie closed her eyes tighter.

_Ellie sat patiently at the table, drumming her fingers against the hard surface waiting for Dina to come back down the stairs from putting JJ to bed. After sparring with Koby he had tuckered himself out to the point of exhaustion and the two had passed out in a heap together._

_When Dina finally appeared back in the room she lingered at the bottom of the stairs. She had changed into her sleepwear, shorts that were entirely too short, and a buttoned-up flannel shirt. Ellie was sure that had once been her flannel shirt._

_"Ask me to stay..." Ellie prayed to herself, staring at the girl before her._

_She wasn't sure Dina had ever looked so beautiful to her at that moment. Well, she was sure she had, but Ellie was certain that each moment she was more beautiful than the last._

_She wished she could have told her that._

_Dina had only looked down before looking up and tucking her fringe behind her ear offering Ellie a warm smile. "Do you want to have a drink before you go?"_

_Ellie could only swallow the lump that had formed in her throat._

Ellie felt a familiar tightening in her throat and she clutched at Koby's fur tighter without protest.

_"Ellie, are you okay?" Dina asked, resting her hand on her shoulder. "You always get lost in thought, where do you go?"_

_Ellie could only offer her a smile in response._

Finally feeling somewhat more composed, Ellie rolled on to her back and sighed as Koby rested his head on her stomach. She continued to run her fingers through her coat. 

She looked up to her ceiling, at the small glow in the dark stars that she and Dina had placed there when they were kids. Dina had always made fun of her for being into astronomy, calling her a "space nerd" and making fun of her for being into comics like Savage Starlight. Yet every time Dina came across something related to space she would excitedly bring it over for Ellie, and even though she made fun of her stupid comics she still spent time reading every single one with Ellie.

Ellie had done the same for her but with music and books. Every time Ellie came across a new CD or vinyl or book that she thought she would like she would grab it for her. They would listen to music together and decide whether or not it was an album worth having in the world.

They mostly agreed.

And when they argued, Ellie would eventually agree with Dina. It was just easier that way.

_"I think JJ really likes having you around, Ellie." Dina laughed as she watched the two play. "Oh, and Koby... I think he might like having Koby around more."_

_Ellie smirked and turned her face to look at the black-haired woman. "But you prefer my company, right?"_

_"Y-yeah." Dina stumbled over her words, glancing down._

Ellie allowed her eyes to defocus, the tiny glow in the dark stars beginning to blur around the edges as she laid there and gazed up against them. It used to be Dina laying here with her staring up at them, pointing out the constellations they had made up because they didn't know the original ones.

She had since found a book and would point them out to her in the night sky. Some day she hoped to show JJ them, just like Joel had once shown her except she now knew many more than he had shown her.

Ellie closed her eyes tight, willing her brain to move away from anything to do with Dina but she couldn't. She felt like it was happening again, that Dina was trying to distance herself. Their nights seeming to get shorter and shorter and she wasn't sure if it was actually happening or if she was just imaging it. Making it so because she wasn't getting the positive affirmations she wanted from the relationship.

Dina had wanted to try being friends after all.

But they had never been just friends.

_"Have you started playing guitar again yet?" Dina asked, sitting down on the couch next to Ellie, closer than she normally would._

_Ellie nodded, trying not to notice the closeness. "Yeah, it's been tough. I'm not as good with my right hand as I was with my left."_

_Dina smirked deviously, knocking her shoulder against the taller woman. "I know that's not true."_

_Ellie's face flushed red and she looked down. "I'll get there..."_

_"Will you... play for me again?" she asked, turning to face the embarrassed girl beside her._

_Ellie smiled sincerely. "Yeah. Yeah, I will."_

Ellie brought her hands up to her face, rubbing at her tired eyes before running her hands through her hair and resting her hands behind her head. 

Eventually, she willed her tired body to rise and she skulked back over to her seat by her desk, leaning over to pick up her guitar. She gently placed it on her lap and slowly plucked at the strings. She played a few slow songs before readjusting her fingers on the fretboard and began playing a song that both her and Dina had agreed on.

_"No longer, no longer,_  
_What you ask._  
_Strange steps, heels turn black._  
_The cinders, they splinter,_  
_And light the path._  
_And these strange steps,_  
_Take us back, take us back._  
_Flow sweetly, hang heavy,_  
_You suddenly complete me._  
_You suddenly complete me._  
_Hysteric."_

It hadn't meant much to her then, but it meant a lot more now. Playing it made her sad to think about, and learning it had been a pain but it was always a song that Dina had loved and Ellie made a conscious effort to learn those songs in case Dina ever requested one. It was a long shot but if there was a possibility she would hold on to it.

She needed those vices.

She looked over to Koby who had his head rested lazily on the bed watching her and offered him a sad smile.

She put the guitar down and turned back around, picking up her pencil again. There was one more picture she needed to get out of her memory and give it to the right people.


	14. Chapter 14

When Ellie stepped through her door, she turned to kick her muddy boots off outside. She gripped the two wrapped frames tightly in her hand as if they were currently the most precious things in the world and to her at that moment they were. 

"Hey, Dina." Ellie smiled, removing her coat and placing it on the hook by the door just like she had many nights before to the point where she just did it automatically. She paused, allowing Koby to run-in in front of her before turning to shut the door.

"Ellie." Dina said, her name getting caught in her throat briefly but she still smiled. "I didn't know you were coming over tonight... How was your day?"

"Oh, sorry, I just assumed..." she trailed off before looking back up to meet her smile. "It wasn't too bad. Tommy has really been on my ass lately, though. I don't know what his deal is." she replied with a sigh, taking a further step in to the house and pausing, noticing how well Dina was dressed tonight. Looking down, she placed the two wrapped frames on the coffee table, shifting them so the bottom of the frame lined up with the coffee table neatly, a compulsive habit she had picked up lately. "I dont have to stay, I just wanted to give you these."

"I think he's just worried." Dina considered, lifting JJ out of his high chair and handing him to Ellie.

"Hey, Spud." she grinned lifting him into the air before bringing him down for some tight cuddles. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean he has to take it out on me. We're all really trying to get numbers down."

"Do you mind cleaning him? He got his dinner everywhere," she asked, rushing out of the kitchen towards the bathroom and not finishing their conversation.

"No problem, aye JJ." she replied, walking over to the sink to give his hands a wash. 

She picked up the towel draped over the handle of the oven and began to dry his hands, making sure she got between each finger. She smiled as he babbled about his day to her. It had almost made her forget how strange Dina had seemed, how short she had been with her just now.

"You, uh... look nice tonight." she finally choked out, thankful that Dina couldn't see her blush.

She wasn't going to say anything but thought the need to address it gnawing at the back of her head.

"What?" Dina yelled from the bathroom, her voice echoing off the walls.

"I said you... look nice." she yelled back.

"Oh, thank you." Dina replied, coming back to the room and standing in front of Ellie. "How do I look now, though?" she held her arms to the side and turned slowly from side to side to offer a full look at her outfit.

"Good... " Ellie mumbled with a blush looking her up and down. She wore the jeans that Ellie had always thought looked best. One that hugged her figure and accentuated her in all the right places and a nice mustard-colored sweater. "You look great, Dina. Not like a hot pile of garbage." she smiled sincerely. "So if that's what you were going for, I've got bad news for you..."

"Oh good." Dina smiled back, her cheeks flushed nervously. "Definitely not what I was going for."

Ellie thought hard for a moment, unsure what the nagging feeling in the back of her mind was. Did she forget something? A birthday? She thought about ignoring it, she would feel awful if she had forgotten something important.

She just had to ask.

"What's the occasion?" she asked, bouncing JJ on her hip.

Dina reached out, taking JJ from her and giving him a kiss on the head before turning face to look at Ellie.

"I've got a date tonight."

Ellie felt like she had been hit by a train. The breath she had just taken in got caught in her throat and she realized how hard it had become to breathe, how the walls around her seemed to begin caving in around her.

"Oh." was all she managed to reply after an excruciating silence.

If Dina picked up on the tension, which she most certainly had, she ignored it.

Ellie stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, everything seeming to blur around her as her mind tried quickly to deal with what she was just told. Dina was going on a date with someone. Someone who wasn't her.

She clenched her fist at her side, willing the anger that was rising to stay balled up in her chest. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Ellie finally spat out, doing her best to quell her emotions.

"Oh, he only asked today. I didn't think it would be a big deal." Dina replied flatly, her voice never betraying her emotions but her eyes wavering.

He?

Not a big deal?

Ellie wracked her brain trying to figure out who it could be, annoyed and frustrating that Dina appeared so blaise about the whole situation. 

Ellie raised her head and looked at Dina who was fixing her clothes in the mirror. The thought of her putting in so much effort to impress someone else made her blood boil. She had thought they were getting on the right track, that they were mending their relationship but here was proof that that was not the case. 

Had she really just been so stupid.

Was Dina just stringing her along until something better came? 

She had said she wanted to try being friends.

"I'm gonna..." Ellie began before there was a knock at the door.

Her eyes snapped up, transfixed as Dina moved to open it.

Why did Dina even let her come here tonight?

Why hadn't she told her not to come?

"Dina." the familiar deep voice began. "You look amazing." 

"Thank you." Dina smiled nervous, looking down lingering at the door. "You look good too... We just have to drop JJ off at his grandparents and then we can go."

Ellie was completely unsure of what was happening. Her eyes met Jack's as he stepped into the house.

And it hit her.

It hit her like a whole metric tonne of bricks had been poured on her all at once.

This was why he had always seemed to be around. He was the one that had been having dinner with Dina when she would be drinking at the bar. He was the one that she would see speaking to her at the stables after their patrols. He was the one that sat with her at the bonfire. He had been the one that Dina had asked to keep her safe.

It all made sense and Ellie wanted to do nothing more than fall to the floor and vomit. How hadn't she picked up on it earlier? How had she been so dense that she hadn't picked up on any of the signals? Was she just too consumed about not treading on any toes that she became blissfully aware of the obvious?

"Ellie." he nodded to her, taken aback that she was here.

"Jack." she replied tensely before releasing a sigh. "I was just going."

Ellie reached down to where JJ was playing on the floor and gave his leg a squeeze. She was sure the reassurance was more for her than for him. He babbled at her and smiled. "See you around, spud." She kissed the top of his head before she started for the door, her dog following closely behind her.

Stepping passed both Dina and Jack, she ignored their stares as she started out the door, Koby offering a growl as he passed the man and followed Ellie.

"Hey, have a good night, Ellie." Jack smiled at her.

She wasn't sure if Dina said something or not, she was sure she blocked out whatever the two had begun to talk about. Instead, she waved over her shoulder dismissively, doing everything in her power to pretend that that had not shattered her existence.

Fuck that.

She wanted to yell. Scream. Punch something. Someone. 

She wanted to burst back through the door and yell that she loved Dina, that she was hers, that she couldn't do that. But what right did she have?

Ellie hurt. Just when she thought all the pieces were being put back into place they shattered again, stealing away her perfect picture. She knew she deserved this. That this pain was her punishment for the pain she had caused but that didn't mean she wanted any part of it. She had thought she had finally been done with all this.

Was she naive enough to believe that no one else was interested in Dina?

Of course, she had been. Half the town had wanted her, the only difference being she didn't want them. She had wanted her. Now that was different, she had nothing holding her back from choosing any one of them.

As she walked aimlessly down the street, she realized she only had one destination in mind. She needed a drink. She needed many drinks to push down the fury that was building in her tiny body. She needed to squash the painful sadness that was beginning to seep out of her bones.

"Fuck." she groaned in frustration, kicking a porch step as she walked passed. 

The awning shook violently and she cursed herself for making so much noise. Her foot throbbed but nothing compared to the hurt she felt inside.

When she finally made it to the bar she froze outside, looking through the window her eyes fell on the two sitting at one of the booths. Dina laughing and Jack looking adoringly at her, looking at her in the way Ellie had.

She didn't even have the solace of the one place that could offer her relief.

Frustrated she went home. She had enough alcohol there to help her forget the pain, for a night anyway.

When she finally reached her home, she went straight to the cabinet, grabbing a bottle of clear liquid from its depths. Popping the cork with her thumb, she allowed it to fall to the floor as she raised the bottle to her lips and took a big swig. She continued swallowing until she had to pull it down to catch her breath. 

Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand she grabbed a glass before walking over to the table. She put it down and filled it with the alcohol before putting the bottle down. Her eyes fell to her drawings that sat on the table. Her eyes falling on every single one, remembering every single moment she had spent sketching them. Ones of Dina and JJ, of Tommy and Maria, of Jackson, of her home. Reaching out she grasped them, scrunching them in her fingers before wiping them angrily off the table.

She threw herself down on the chair and brought the glass to her lips, already feeling dizzy from the amount she had drunken just moments ago.

"Fuck." she whispered bringing her shaking hand to her forehead.

What was she meant to do? Play happy family while Dina went and fucked around? Pretend that she was okay with that? She wasn't sure she could hide the level of hurt to maintain the facade that she was okay with being friends.

"Fuck." she growled again, this time louder as she brought her hand down hard on the table.

She couldn't remember the last time she felt this much rage. 

She wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there, or how many drinks she had had when there was a faint knock at her door. She glanced at the now almost empty bottle.

"Fuck off!" she yelled, waving her hand dismissively at no one. 

"Ellie?" the door creaked open and a gentle voice asked.

"I said fuck off," she repeated, wobbling slightly in her seat as she kept her eyes down.

"Oh, Ellie..." the shorter black haired girl placed her hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

Ellie weakly pushed her away, turning her body back to the table and pouring herself another drink. "Of course I'm okay, Cat." she slurred, putting emphasis on her name.

Cat looked at her sympathetically. "I saw Dina come into the bar with a new friend... and I saw you at the window, you didn't come in." she finished, taking a seat opposite Ellie, her eyes falling to the mess on the floor.

"The bar was full." she lifted her head, her eyes still closed.

"The bar was not full." Cat laughed. "I work there, remember?"

Ellie opened one eye to peer at the woman opposite her. "I changed my mind."

"So you just came here to get drunk instead?" she poked "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I fucking love her, Cat." Ellie sniffed, dropping her forehead to the table dramatically. 

Cat nodded, sitting back in the wooden chair and crossing her hands over her stomach. "Again, so you stayed at home getting drunk?"

"They were on a date." Ellie replied, lifting her head enough to look at her friend.

"I figured as much."

"Why? Did something fucking happen?" she scowled, sitting up enough to lift the glass again to her mouth.

Cat smiled and raised an eyebrow. "I don't know, I finished early tonight. They were still there when I left. I wanted to come to see if you were okay. You're clearly not okay." 

Ellie watched through hooded eyes as Cat rose to her feet and moved into her kitchen, grabbing her own glass before sitting back down. She reached over and pulled the bottle away from Ellie, pouring her own glass. She brought the alcohol to her lips, studying the girl before her as she did so.

"Have you ever heard the saying 'if you love something, let it go'?" Cat asked, her attention never shifting from Ellie.

"That sounds fucking stupid." Ellie grumbled.

Cat shook her head. "If it comes back, it's yours. If not set it free. Do you know what that means?"

Ellie rubbed at the back of her neck. "If you love something, why would you let it go?"

"Isn't that what Dina did with you?" Cat asked, wiggling her brow at Ellie.

"That was different..." she trailed off.

"You came back to her." Cat affirmed.

"But she never came back to me! I never should have gone." Ellie mumbled, feeling sorry for herself. "This never would have happened. She never would be out there with him doing god knows what. I knew I was going to break her heart but I did it anyway. "  
"Ellie, you can't change what you did. At some point, you have to accept the consequences and move on from it." Cat reached over and rested her hand on Ellie's arm.

"I have... I just thought that maybe I was beginning to make up for what I did."

Cat rolled her eyes, sitting back again and bringing her drink to her lips. "Fuck her then. We can date if you want. Well, faux date."

"Faux date?" Ellie asked confused with a shake of her head that made her feel suddenly unsteady.

"Yuh, like pretend to date. Like, we don't actually have to y'know, have feelings. The best way to move on from someone is to get under someone else, right?" she smirked, tilting her head to the side. "And I don't know about you, but there's not really anyone else here worth getting under if you know what I mean."

"Cat!" Ellie blushed, taking the rest of the alcohol in her glass in her mouth and holding it for a moment before swallowing it.

Cat grabbed the bottle and reached over, pouring her another.

"Why not?"

Ellie shook her head, this time taking a long sip of her drink. 

Ellie knew Cat's body. It had been comforting and familiar and she still remembered the little birthmark on her hip. She recalled the hot summer nights they would spend tangled together, clutching at each other, and tugging at clothes until they were left in messy piles on the ground.

Ellie had loved Cat. She had spent countless hours trying to convince herself that she had loved Cat the way that Cat had wanted her to love her. The same way that cat had loved her. When they were alone together it was easy for Ellie to pretend for a moment that she did. However, when they were apart it became painfully aware that she wasn't there and she wasn't sure if she ever would be. The small gap between their feelings eventually became a giant chasm.

Ellie knew for certain that she would never feel the same way because when they were apart she never thought about Cat.

She had only ever thought about Dina.

"Was I a good girlfriend?" Ellie finally asked, looking up to meet Cat's eyes.

She only laughed and shook her head. "You were fucking awful, Ellie."

"I'm sorry..." she mumbled.

"It's fine." she waved her hand dismissively. "It was never me you wanted."

"I thought it was." Ellie answered honestly. "I mean, I thought it could have been."

"I thought so too, Ellie." she smiled back kindly at her. "You don't know how fucking obvious it was that you wanted Dina, though. I think you two were the only ones that were so unaware. Figures though, you're both pretty clueless."

"What do I do, Cat?" Ellie asked, looking down at her trembling hands.

Cat thought for a moment before finally shrugging. "Do what anyone else does after a breakup. You get fucked up, you feel miserable for a while and you get really fucking wasted. You feel as sorry for yourself as you need to and then you move the fuck on. You pick yourself up and be better than the person you were before. Eventually, it stops hurting" The black-haired woman raised her glass towards Ellie and waited for her to clink her own glass against it. "So, let's get fucked up."

* * *

  
A groan escaped her lips and she lifted her head from the table. Her cheek was wet and it didn't take her long to realize she had spilled her drink when she passed out last night. Her head throbbed and for a second she forgot why she had allowed herself to drink so much. She couldn't blame Cat, she was already wasted by the time she had gotten there.

She made a mental note to thank Cat later.

She decided she would take her advice. Get just the right amount of fucked up before attempting to piece herself back together and start again. 

She would do it as many times as she needed to before she was whole.

When it all came back to her, she pulled the glass back upright and poured herself another drink, taking a long, slow sip. It was going to be another long, exhausting day.

She was due to go on patrol today but made the request to Tommy to switch. There was no way she would be able to trust herself to protect anyone with how she felt today, nor did she think she had it in her. There was also no way she could trust herself around Jack. Or Dina for that matter.

No fucking wonder Dina chose him. He was handsome and popular with all the girls in Jackson, just like Dina was beautiful and all the boys in Jackson adored her.

They both had a beauty that Ellie would never have.

Instead, she was stuck tending the farm. She wasn't mad about it. Instead thankful for the repetitive and physically demanding task of readying the field to be planted. She wanted to feel something, something other than anger, frustration, and hatred. 

Something other than the self-pity that enveloped her very being but she couldn't push the feelings away.

Ellie was devastated. Devastated in a way that she hadn't been able to eloquently explain to Cat last night after she had had too many drinks.

Reaching into her pocket she pulled out the flask she had packed and took a long swig. The new alcohol kept the headache from the old alcohol at bay.

She didn't know what else to do other than keep working.

As the morning turned in to the afternoon and her shift had finished, she still kept going. When they tried to send her home she had refused, instead doing her best to assure them that she was okay and that she just wanted to finish the job she had started.  
When it got too dark to continue working she took herself to the bar and sat with Cat. This time Cat didn't give her shit for drinking too much or tease her for what she had divulged the night before. With a gentle smile, she would just pour her another glass.

In the bar that night she watched as Jack and Dina came in and spent another evening together. Two in a row.

She wondering how long it would be before they slept together.

She tried not to focus on them, did her best to lose herself in her inner turmoil but even that didn't stop the frequent sideways glances.

She stayed there until Cat would rest her hand on hers and tell her it was time to go home.

* * *

  
When she finally went back on patrol at the request of Tommy and Maria to help lead the groups, her only request was that she wasn't to be put with either Dina or Jack and if at all possible be nowhere near them when it came to them departing or arriving back in.

They had agreed to try their best, but couldn't make any promises.

Ellie allowed Koby to come with her now that he was older. He could handle himself and he was a welcome addition on the particularly arduous trails. 

Eventually, Tommy and Maria would allow the two of them to do the shorter patrols by themselves. Koby would alert her to any danger incoming and she would take care of it. If there were more than one he would distract them while she dispatched them one by one.

Sometimes she was worried about him, but he had never given her any reason to. He was always alert to the surroundings even before Ellie was.

She thought about getting him one of those tactical vests that she had seen on the dogs in Seattle, making a mental note to try one on if she ever saw one. If anything it would be cute.

Ellie functioned but she was never really there for a while after that time. She did her best to be pleasant. She did her best to do her job. And she did her best to stay out of Dina and Jack's way.

There were no more dinners at Dina's.

No more visits with JJ.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise some shameful fluff next chapter, okay? I think Dina will realise, to some extent, she's being a spoilt brat...
> 
> Yes or no to some Ellie/Dina smut?


	15. Chapter 15

Ellie crouched down and studied the ground beneath her, knitting her brows tightly together she tried to make sense of the scene around her.

"What do you reckon?"

Ellie stood and turned to face the short blonde haired girl, giving her a small shake of her head. "I don't know, Vic."

Blood smeared the ground around them, the victim a horse and it's the rider. The animal was so badly mauled that Ellie could barely tell what it was at first. The body had faired considerably better but was still something straight out of a horror movie. Ellie didn't want to guess how its legs had been ripped from its body.

Victoria returned the shake of her own head before pulling a face. "Maybe a group of infected got them?"

Ellie stepped over to the deceased, crouching down and resting her scarred hand on it's back. "Would have had to be a lot of them to do this much damage this fast. This blood is fresh, probably not more than fifteen minutes ago."

"Where are they now, then?" the blonde asked, glancing around at their surroundings.

Ellie shifted the corpse, managing to shake his backpack loose before rolling him over to look at his face. She cringed seeing his face contorted and frozen in terror. "Not one of ours, at least."

She placed the bag in front of her and unbuckled the clasps before flicking it open and beginning to rummage through it's contents.  
"What was he doing out here?" 

"Looks like a supply run." she replied, pulling a good selection of painkillers, tins of food and ammunition from the pack, more than should have been on a normal person had they just been going for a stroll.

There was a rustle in the bushes and both Ellie and Victoria looked up, waiting expectantly for whatever was making the noise to show itself but it never did. Ellie looked to Koby who sat still, eyes transfixed to that location with the hairs on the back of his neck raised defensively.

"Well, this is fucking spooky," Victoria whispered under her breath, her hand tightly on the holstered gun at her side.

Ellie nodded, the world around her becoming eerily quiet but as nothing happened she turned herself back to the items she had looted. Sliding her own bag off her shoulders, she placed the new items in there before slipping it back on.

"Let's just get out of here..." Ellie began as Koby started to growl.

Her attention snapped back up to the same spot, the bushes now rustling furiously and she narrowed her eyes, trying to peer deeper into the scrub. Whatever it was it, its presence clearly upsetting her dog.

"What the fuck is that..." Victoria asked confused, the enormous creature bounding into her periphery

* * *

  
Dina rested her head in her hand as she sat at the table watching JJ play on the floor. It was still early and she felt the beginning of a yawn rise in her chest. She wished she could have gone back to bed, she was tired and even though she couldn't sleep, nothing sounded better than hiding away from the world under the covers where nothing could reach her.

She hadn't been able to sleep a wink the night before. Something was nagging at her, but she couldn't quite place her finger on what it was. She could have guessed and likely would have been correct but she couldn't do it. She couldn't handle the pain of thinking about her anymore.

Either way, the familiar discomfort of the pain she had caused her friend was not this unfamiliar discomfort she felt now. She had a bad feeling and she just couldn't shake it.

When she couldn't take it anymore she stood up, stomping her feet on the wooden floors harshly and to her room. She riffled around in her drawers pulling out the two wrapped frames before placing them on her bed, staring at them intently.

She had wanted to open them but every time she did her fingers would tremble so much she couldn't pull at the seam of the paper so she would put it down to try again for another day. She both wanted to know what was in there and didn't, afraid whatever it was would break her heart again.

This was the last thing Ellie had given her before she stopped coming around.

She had regretted everything that had happened that night. From the moment Ellie had walked through her door to the second Jack had. It's not that she had wanted to hide it from Ellie, that was never her intention and she would have told her, but she just wished she had handled the situation better. 

Dina just wished she had the chance to explain.

But Ellie had never come back after that and the distance she had put between them had hurt all over again. She mentally kicked herself for allowing her heart to begin to forgive her, only to be walked out on again when her feelings got hurt.

Maybe that was selfish, after all, she had been the one that accepted another offer of a date.

She sat down, picking up the package and setting it on her lap.

It felt heavier with the weight of expectation than it's small packaging perceived it to be. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat, feeling it catch on its way down. 

Dina didn't want to accept Jack's offer, but she felt a sense of obligation to give it a shot. He had been kind and understanding. Persistent. There was only so long you could spend trying to pretend that everything was okay before you were broken to a point where you couldn't be repaired.

And when Ellie hadn't returned she felt obliged to give him a second shot. It had been like the farm all over again and she was scared because she swore she wouldn't do it again but she had almost slipped back into it.

It just wasn't healthy.

Reaching out with shaking hands she tugged at brown twine that held it together, managing to loosen it until it unraveled and fell on to her lap. Carefully and without crinkling or ripping the brown paper it had been presented in she peeled it open leaving one frame sitting on top of the other.

Her eyes settled on the piece of paper that had a note in Ellie's handwriting scrawled on it.

_"Dina,_   
_You know I'm not very good with feelings and I know I could never correctly express my gratitude towards you for allowing me to be part of your family again, so I hope this picture envokes in you everything I feel when I see it._   
_P.S_   
_I know it will never make up for what I took from them, but the second one is for Jesse's parents."_

Dina lifted the note and underneath it sat the picture Ellie had drawn for her, the one with herself, JJ, and Koby sitting on their lounge together.

She lifted it up to bring in to view the one under it. A beautiful portrait of Jesse and Dina wasn't certain she had ever seen anything more realistic.

She felt the familiar sting in her eyes and brought her hand up to cover her mouth as she began to quietly weep. 

She cursed Ellie for doing this to her.

* * *

"Move!" Ellie screamed, jumping to push the blonde girl out of the way just in time as the animal's thick paw struck her on the cheek, almost instantly causing a bruise.

She fell to the ground, snapping her head to look back up at the bear that loomed over her. She wasn't sure she had ever seen anything as massive as it before.

Or anything as angry.

There was a snarl as Koby lept at her defense, sinking his teeth into its fur and flesh. It growled in pain and stopped the animal from bringing down it's killing blow on Ellie. Instead, he shook his body, throwing his arm out to the side and flinging Koby off. He hit the ground with a thud, wincing as he rolled through the dirt. 

"Koby!" Ellie screamed as he laid there still.

She snarled, reaching for the rifle that hung around her shoulder. With her legs she began to push into the dirt, propelling her body back and away from the raging creature.

"Hey! Over here, you piece of shit!" Victoria screamed, waving her arms exaggeratedly to get its attention.

It didn't work, instead, it ignored her completely and reared up on its back paws, continuing to advance on Ellie. She struggled to move the rifle between her and the bear in time as it stepped closer, leering down at her and releasing a feral growl as it began to descend.

There was another growl and a flash of brown as Koby again lunged at the animal, this time sinking his bloodied mouth into it's back. The bear threw it's head back in pain and began viciously thrusting its body back and forth until the dog again went flying.

But it had brought Ellie enough time to ready the rifle and fire one shot into the animal's chest.

It turned it's attention back towards Ellie and gave another scream, descending back on her.

She fired another.

And another.

Then finally one more, as the bear toppled forward leaving Ellie just enough time to roll out from underneath it before being crushed.  
She exhaled deeply, looking over at the animal, fighting hard to catch her breath.

"Are you okay, Ellie?!" Victoria yelled, appearing at her side and helping check her over.

Ellie swatted her away, wiping at the blood on her face with the back of her sleeve. "I'm alright. That was close, huh?"

"Yeah." she nodded, fear still visible behind her blue eyes. "What the fuck is a bear doing around these parts?"

"Probably hungry... but I guess that answers the question about what happened to our friend over there. Fuck." she grumbled, rubbing at her face before turning her attention to her dog. "Koby!" she yelled, rushing to her feet so fast it made her head spin.

The dog too stood to his feet, limping over to her with a wince. She fell to the ground and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, burying her face in his fur before dropping her arms to assess his paw.

"Are you okay, boy?" she asked as she ran her arm up and down the limb. 

"Is he okay?" Victoria asked, crouching beside her. 

"I don't think it's broken... maybe just sprained."

Ellie gave him one final pat on the head. "Alright, you wait here." she commanded as she rose to her feet, grabbing her knife from her belt and turning to face the bear. "Let's take what we can and head off. The meat will be good and the pelt will be useful. Will you go ready the horses to carry this all back while I get started?"

She nodded in response. "Yeah, the sooner the better. This place gives me the creeps."

When Victoria returned, she helped Ellie load everything into the horse's backs and their own backpacks, watching as she rolled the belt and tied it to the back of her horse.

Ellie bent down and slipped her hands around Koby, lifting him tightly to her chest before helping him on to the saddle. She climbed up behind him and wrapped her arms around him to hold both the reins and the dog in place.

"Let's get going." she nodded, giving her horse a gentle kick in the ribs.

* * *

They arrived back in Jackson later than what had been scheduled and were met with relief at their safe arrival. Victoria excitedly told the boys at the gate about the bear they had taken down and how much meat they had brought back for the town.

Ellie climbed down from her horse, reaching up to grasp Koby before gently placing him to the ground. She could tell he was exhausted.

Ellie smiled as she listened to how the girl described it's size only for the boys to dismiss her, calling her a liar.

"Ellie! Tell them!" she pleaded, tugging at her arm.

She nodded with her head towards the back of the horse. "Show them the pelt and then get them to help take it back to town to be prepared. They won't be calling you a liar when they see how heavy all that is."

Her eyes lit up and she turned back to the boys. "Come look at this!"

"I need to take Koby home to rest and I'll try the pills off at the clinic after, are you okay to put Midnight away and deal with that stuff?"

Victoria nodded, excitedly loosening the ropes that held the bear's fur. "Yeah, Ellie. I got this. I'll see you around?"

Ellie smiled. "Thanks. See you around."

Koby gingerly followed behind her as she walked to a certain horses stall.

Japan neighed as Ellie rested her hand on his nose, giving it a soft pat. "I don't have any treats for you today, boy." she muttered, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss. "You're still a good boy, though."

She walked over to the oats and grabbed an extra cup, tipping it into his bucket.

She knew Koby could have walked himself but the idea of him being further in pain didn't sit right with her so she picked him up again, carrying him close to her chest. She smiled feeling him settled against her.

When she got home she placed him on his bed in front of the fire that kept him warm on the cooler nights, taking a moment to sit before him and stroke his fur. She would have been that bear's meal if it wasn't for him. 

When he was settled she stood, pulling the pack back on her shoulder to take to the clinic. Koby lifted his head and winced. Ellie pulled a face and leaned over to pat his head.

"You need to stay."

With a huff he collapsed against his bed, resigning to the fact he had been ordered to stay.

* * *

  
Today had been a fucking day.

She rubbed at her forehead as she made her way to the clinic. She felt both physically and emotionally exhausted from the day. She had almost lost Victoria, had almost lost Koby, had almost gotten herself killed.

She was glad it had been her though, entirely sure if it were anyone else they wouldn't have survived it. She knew she was going to get a thorough tongue lashing from Tommy and Maria tomorrow regarding it, for putting them in such danger.

That would be okay, she thought. She would deal with it then and she knew that it was only because Tommy and Maria cared about her. She was becoming more receptive to that.

She finished by rubbing at her tired eyes before dropping her hand to her side. Once she was home she would allow her mask to fall, never out in public. 

Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat, stepping up the stairs to the clinic and gingerly pushed open the door. 

The door creaked and the above it rang as she ducked in, her eyes falling on the black-haired woman that had appeared from out the back to see who it was.

Her heart felt like it had stopped, catching in her throat.

Ellie offered a sad smile before holding out a bag in her outstretched hand. "We found this today while we were out. I said I'd run it over. I think it's some medicine, or painkillers.. or something. I don't know. Hopefully, you can use it." she shrugged, forcing herself to stop rambling.

Dina nodded. "Thank you, Ellie. I'm sure we'll be able to use it. We're actually running low on some things so this is great timing." she smiled back, allowing her eyes to settle on Ellie's sad green ones.

Ellie pulled a face and turned around to leave. She had done her job, there was nothing more that needed to be said and quite frankly she couldn't stand the way Dina was looking at her.

"You look tired." Dina finally spoke as Ellie leaned into the door to leave.

She was tired.

She was exhausted

"Everyone says how hard you've been working."

She turned around. She wanted to tell Dina everything and crumble in her arms. How everything was getting too much. How the weight of everything was beginning to break her.

"You've been doing a lot of good for the community. Have you been finding time to rest?"

The pain. The anger. She couldn't eat. She couldn't sleep. Instead, she just met her gaze and watched as she studied her own lanky frame.

"Ellie?" she whispered, her voice faltering.

Ellie clenched her eyes shut tight, trying to seal the dam.

"What's going on?" she asked, tilting her head to the in a confused expression.

Could Dina really be this dense?

The question broke her. She stared hard at the ground and she couldn't will the tears not to come. At first, they just clouded her vision but she watched as they fell from her eyes and splashed on the floor before her. Her body shivered as it was wracked with a loud, painful sob. She brought her hands to her face to try her best to hide behind them. This was all too much.

Dina rushed to comfort the thin girl. "Oh, Ellie..."

Dina wrapped her arms tightly around her and pulled her face to her neck protectively. Dina only held her tighter as she felt the tears stain her skin. She felt every sob, they tore through her body as hard as they did Ellie's.

"Shhhh," she whispered into her ear soothingly, rubbing her back in gentle circles. "It's okay. It's going to be okay."

Ellie could only stand there inconsolably, her arms now stiff at her sides as the shorter girl pulled her close. She wanted to believe her. She wanted to stop crying, but it just wouldn't stop. The patheticness she felt fueling her self loathing.

"Do you want to go sit down out back?" Dina asked, her lips brushing against Ellie's ear.

Ellie could only shake her head in response. She wanted nothing more than to run, to pretend this had never happened but she was stuck to the spot. She wasn't sure she could move even if she wanted to.

"We can stay here as long as you need." she murmured back reassuringly.

The two stood there for what felt like an eternity until Ellie's body stopped trembling in Dina's arms and no more tears would come.   
Dina still never let her go.

"Are you ready to go talk about it?" she asked softly, leaning back a little to rub her thumb over Ellie's bruised cheek, wiping away the last of her tears. It pained her to see how miserable she looked.

Ellie thought hard before she nodded, still unable to speak. 

"Alright...you just wait right here." Dina smiled, giving Ellie's tense arm a rub. "I'll be right back, I promise." she finished, sliding her hand down the rest of her arm to her fingers before letting it go.

She disappeared out the back for a few moments to tell the other girl on shift that she had to go before coming back out and reaching out to take Ellie's hand.

"Come on." she whispered sweetly before lacing her fingers with the taller girls.She gently leads her along, allowing her to walk as slowly as she needed to. It took a little longer to get her home but Ellie didn't have any more fits of tears. Only walked along keeping her eyes down. 

  
When they arrived at her door, Dina took the keys out of Ellie's shaking hands and let them both in. 


	16. Chapter 16

While Ellie's place wasn't exactly messy there were still a lot of things out of place. Obviously thrown in frustration, maybe in a fit of anger or sadness. Dina's eyes fell on the empty bottles of alcohol on the table and she sighed sympathetically. Turning around with a small smile she again grabbed Ellie's hand, leading her to the bed.

Koby stirred, only enough to lift his head and see who else had come home with his owner before settling back down to sleep.

"Come on." Dina tugged and urged her to follow.

Carefully she guided Ellie to sit down on the edge of the bed before kneeling in front of her and starting to untie her shoes. She glanced up trying to meet Ellie's gaze but she kept it down and far away from her.

What was that expression?

"Let's get these off, huh." she spoke peacefully as she manipulated her feet out of her boots and tossed them carelessly to the side. 

Sitting up on her knees she placed her hands to Ellie's shoulders in a desperate attempt to bring her back to the moment, then leaned in close to her cheek. "Can we get you out of this coat?" she whispered in her ear waiting for any resistance but she was given none. Closing her eyes Dina gently placed a kiss so light to Ellie's cheek with the side of her lips she wasn't even sure if Ellie would have even felt it or the lingering touch as she pulled away. She felt so cold to her touch and unresponsive.

Moving away slightly Dina ran her arms down the sleeves of the thick jacket, remembering a bulge she had felt earlier in their embrace. Reaching into the pocket on the side she pulled the flask out. 

"You don't need this anymore," she said with authority, placing it on the ground she slid it away as far as she could.

Ellie didn't fight her, nor move against her advances. She allowed her to remove her jacket from her arms and toss it to the corner of her room, only keeping her eyes downcast.

It was then Dina took a seat beside her on the side of the bed. Close enough that their arms brushed together and the tip of her pinky finger touched against the back of Ellie's hand. 

She allowed her to sit in silence for as long as she could before she finally broke the silence. There was only so long she could sit in silence so defeating.

"What's going on?" she asked softly, turning her head to studying the woman beside her.

Ellie still kept her gaze down, her shoulders sagging lower. She felt better for crying but now she was plagued with the feelings they had finally conjured to the surface and the embarrassment she now felt. The same strangling feelings of inadequacy.

Dina again allowed her to take as much time as she needed, just waiting patiently until she spoke. Watching the cogs in her head moving and slowly clicking into place.

"Dina..." Ellie began, followed by a pause as long as the silence before. "I can't... I can't do this anymore."

"Can't do what?" she asked, tilting her head to the side in understanding.

"This... Everything. I'm so fucking broken." she felt another painful sob wrack her body but she did everything she could to stop a further one and buried her head in her hands. She was certain she didn't have any more tears left.

Dina reached around her and rubbed her back reassuringly waiting for her to continue, tracing slow, gentle circles.

"How did I fuck everything up so badly." Ellie sat stiffly, pondering those words herself. She had messed everything up so bad and she didn't know how to fix it, or even where to began. She didn't even have Joel anymore to steer her in the right direction and it was so much harder to figure out yourself.

"I don't think you've fucked everything up." Dina replied calmly, still keeping her gaze in Ellie.

"That's bullshit and you know that. You don't need to lie to me, Dina. I'm not a child." 

Dina hummed and nodded her head in response.

Ellie closed her eyes and shook her head. "What are you even doing here, Dina?"

"I don't know." Dina answered honestly. 

"You haven't had anything to do with me for weeks." she spoke softly, distress clearly evident in her tone.

"You stopped coming around."

Ellie laughed at the cruelty of her words. "I stopped coming around when you started entertaining men in front of me."

Dina looked down and knocked her feet together. "That's not fair, Ellie."

"What part of that was fair for me?" Ellie asked sincerely, turning her face to look at Dina for the first time, her eyes flickering and betraying her emotions.

"You're right..." Dina admitted, genuinely feeling remorseful for her actions. She knew how it would make Ellie feel but did it anyway. Maybe deep down she wanted her to hurt as much as she had hurt when she left. To feel an ounce of what it had been like. "But we weren't dating, Ellie."

"I fucking know that." Ellie growled lowly through clenched teeth. "I'm so fucking painfully aware of that." 

There was a pause that lingered in the air making the room feel stuffy and suffocating.

"Did you want to be?" Dina asked, feeling the tip of her finger dance further against Ellie's skin on her hand. 

Ellie took a depth breath and shut her eyes tight, feeling calm as she exhaled. "You know I did."

Another silence filled the room as they both took in the heaviness of the admission.

"I like him." Dina finally admitted herself.

Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat and looked up, feeling the tears welling in her eyes again. "I know." she spoke barely above a whisper, unsure about finally admitting to herself the fact that she had always known.

"He's kind and he's sweet to me. He's so good with JJ, too." she smiled, her finger continuing its touch against Ellie's skin. "Say's he'll never hurt me. That I've been hurt too much."

Ellie only nodded. She was having a hard enough time trying not to cry while dealing with the gravity of her words. Knowing that they were directed at the pain she had caused her.

There was another long silence, leaving her words to pierce Ellie in the heart which each passing second. This conversation was hard but at least it was honest. She leaned her head back and stared up to the ceiling.

The first truly honest one they had had in a long time.

Dina finally exhaled deeply, releasing whatever she had been holding on to. "But when we kiss, I don't feel like what I felt with you."

Ellie reached up to her face and rubbed at her eyes, willing the constant watering to cease. Maybe this conversation was too honest for her own good. "Oh?"

"Mhmm." she replied, tilting her head back to look at the stars on the ceiling with Ellie. "I'm not sure I'll ever feel that with anyone else."

There was a sadness to her words that was so subtle that Ellie almost didn't pick up on it. She would do anything to take that sadness away but she couldn't move. Fear had her frozen to the spot.

"I don't..." she paused, dropping her head to look at Ellie before hesitantly leaning her head on her shoulder. "I don't think I want to feel that with anyone else... But Ellie, you hurt me so fucking much."

Ellie leaned into her contact, feeling Dina's hand creep further on top of hers. If Dina could feel her heart pounding against her skin she didn't say anything. "I know... I'm sorry. You know I'm so sorry."

"Sometimes sorry just isn't enough." Dina replied, closing her eyes tight. "You know that right?"

"I know." Ellie conceded.

Dina barely shifted her head, burying her face in the older girl's neck causing Ellie to shudder at her slow deliberate breaths.

"I don't know what to do, Ellie." she whispered against her skin. "I want to forgive you. I... can't stop thinking about you. But on the other hand, there's this great guy that could be everything I had with you before you left. Who wants everything I wanted with you... Wants a home and a family... And it's not fair. It's not fair that when I'm with him I'm wishing it was you."

There was another long silence as they both considered the weight of those words.

"I just need to be honest with you."

Ellie furrowed her brow, feeling Dina's hand creep on top of hers and squeeze her hand tight. Feeling the sensation as her lips gingerly brushed the skin at the crook of her neck in the way Dina knows she likes. And she is torn. Torn between doing what's right and doing what she wants. 

"Say something..." Dina whisperd against her skin, her lips dancing across it with every syllable.

"I can't tell you what to do, Dina." she finally admitted. "But you're my home."

Dina paused, lifting her head she slid her hand across Ellie's cheek, turning her face to hers and looked deeply into her emerald eyes, searching in them for the answers she needed.

Ellie did the same, finding that same intensity behind Dina's eyes as she knew that she had in hers. She searched them, seeing all the emotions that she felt mirrored in her own. "Dina, with you I'm home." she repeated barely above a whisper.

It was Dina who leaned in first, lightly placing a kiss to Ellie's lips as she sat there stiffly and still. She pulled away slightly, looking back into Ellie's eyes, begging for something, anything before again pushing her lips against Ellie's, this time with more urgency.

Ellie this time kissed her back, raising her hand to Dina's cheek she pulled her hungrily against her lips, kissing her with all the passion and longing that had been building up since she left that farmhouse, with all the want that had enveloped her every time she laid eyes on her.

Breathless, they both finally pulled away, resting their foreheads together. Ellie's eyes flickered between the new warmth in Dina's eyes, to every single one of her freckles, down to her lips before back to her eyes. All the parts of her that she had fallen in love with.

She could feel Dina's labored breathing against her lips and she wanted to bring her lips back to her own but still, she felt unsure. 

Dina looked back into Ellie's eyes, finally narrowing her own before cupping her cheeks in her hands more fiercely and pulling her lips back to her own, locked again in another long, passionate kiss.

Ellie felt as Dina's lips curled into a small smirk and she smiled back against them.

Dina shifted, removing herself from their embrace to throw her leg over the other side of Ellie's. Placing her hands gently to her shoulders she pushed her back on the bed, pausing briefly to allow her to move back further on to it before she climbed up on her knees, straddling her hips. She placed her hands beside her head, leaning over Ellie and watching her cheeks flush a deep crimson.

"Dina..." Ellie murmured, willfully pinned under the smaller girl.

Dina only shook her head and lifted her hand, running her fingers through Ellie's hair before bringing it to rest on her cheek.

Ellie could only melt under the tenderness that she had longed for. There were no more frowns, no more harsh glances, only the loving gazes, and slow touches that she remembered. The ones that she thought about every night.

"Do you want this?" Dina asked, for the first time uncertainty flickering in her eyes as she wondered if she had taken it too far.

Ellie sat up and wrapped her arms tightly around Dina's waist, leaving her to slip her arms around her neck and sit back on her thighs. The new pressure was enough to keep Ellie's body warm and the feeling was betrayed by her body on her face.

She captured Dina's lips against her, gently tugging her bottom one between her teeth causing Dina to moan and shift against her as she tugged at the hem of her shirt. That was enough of a hint for Dina to take the bottom of it in her hands before pulling it over her head and dropping it to the floor beside them. 

Ellie watched as Dina blushed before her eyes followed a path down her face to her chest. She knew she had stared too long when Dina again wrapped her hands around her neck and pulled her head tightly to her chest. 

When Dina released her grasp, Ellie placed small, soft kisses across the length of her collar bone to her scar before looking up at her.

"Your's next." Dina sighed, reaching behind her back to lift her shirt over her head, her cheeks permanently flushed red as she dropped Ellie's top on the floor with her own.

Ellie smirked, reaching up to Dina's face, sliding her hands over her cheeks and through her hair to lock behind her head, pulling her down to her lips, tugging her closer to feel her bare skin against her own bare skin. 

* * *

Ellie laid in bed on her side, Dina mirrored her staring deeply into Ellie's eyes. Staring right into her soul and taking in every ounce of her being. Committing it to memory so she would never forget how beautiful everything seemed in this moment. How perfect everything finally felt.

How right being together felt for her.

Looking down, Dina played with Ellie's fingers in front of them, delicately and with a tenderness she hadn't felt in a long time.

Reaching up Ellie tucked a stray piece of hair behind Dina's ear and leaned forward to place a kiss to Dina's sweaty forehead. She could taste the salt on her lips as she pulled away.

She could have laid like that forever, patiently watching as the woman she loved held her hand and touched her skin in a way that burnt a fire within her soul.

But Ellie knew this had been wrong. She knew that this didn't change anything that had happened and wouldn't be some be all end all fix that she had hoped it would be. She couldn't even begin to fathom how something that felt so right could have been so morally wrong. 

"What does this mean?" Ellie asked, feeling more emotionally drained than she ever had.

"I don't know." Dina mumbled like a tired child who had refused for too many hours to go to sleep.

Reaching out, Ellie traced her fingertips over the angry scar on Dina's shoulder that had been pierced by Lev's arrow when she had tried to save her. 

"Does it still hurt?" Ellie asked, painfully reliving the moment she had almost lost Dina at the hands of Abby. One of the many reasons she had to track her back down. Well, thought she did.

Dina nodded. "Sometimes. Sometimes I think about what happened back then. What would have happened if I hadn't gotten her off you when I did."

"You should have just gotten away..." Ellie mumbled, leaning forward to place a kiss to the scar, feeling it's jagged edges against the skin on her lips, the skin imperfect but her body was still perfect to her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put you through that... When I thought she had killed you, everything just crumbled in front of me."

Ellie closed her eyes but only saw Abby smashing Dina's face into the ground before Ellie told her she was pregnant. The sick, twisted look of anger plastered to her face as she considered it an eye for an eye with the knife held firmly against Dina's neck.

She opened her eyes when she felt Dina's hand on her cheek. "That's in the past. We survived. That's all that mattered."

Dina leaned in and brought her lips to Ellie's causing Ellie to wrap her arms around Dina and pull her close, sharing a long, slow kiss.

"It's getting late." Dina murmured against Ellie's neck.

"I know." Ellie replied, scared to let this moment end.

"JJ is staying with his grandparents tonight... I'm meant to be seeing Jack." 

Ellie froze, a familiar squeezing claiming her heart and she couldn't help but tense her body against Dina's. "Okay."

"But... I think I just want to stay here with you. If that's okay..." Dina asked, looking up at Ellie with big eyes. "I don't think I'm ready for this to end."

Ellie pulled her to her body and held her closer than she ever had, afraid that the moment she let her go this would all be over.

* * *

  
Ellie felt the smaller girl shifting in her arms and she stirred from her slumber. Reaching up she rubbed at her tired eyes. God, they were sore but she didn't expect anything less after the emotional roller coaster she had just been on. 

She hugged Dina tighter in her arms and pressed her lips to the top of her head protectively. For this moment anyways, Dina was hers.

"How long was I asleep?" the auburn girl asked with a small yawn.

Dina continued to trace shapes on the skin of Ellie's bare navel, their legs tangled together. "Not long."

She found herself absentmindedly running her fingers up and down Dina's side. "Dina?"

"Mhmm?" she replied, closing her eyes.

"I've never... been more scared to lose anyone before now." she admitted, continuing to move her fingers against her side. "To lose you and JJ, I mean."

"You never lost us, Ellie..." Dina breathed, her breath softly dancing against the pale girl's bare skin. "I know I haven't always treated you right since you've been back, I've been unfair and I've been cruel..."

"I hurt you." Ellie interjected with a small shrug.

Dina glanced up at her. "You really think that's any excuse, Ellie? You were my best friend."

Ellie watched as Dina's lip began to quiver. "Were?"

"Holy shit, Ellie." Dina groaned as she pushed at her shoulder. "You're really bad at focusing on the wrong parts of what I'm saying. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for how I've been acting. I was... I still am really scared that one day you're just not going to be here anymore and I'll lose you all over again."

Ellie nodded, reaching out and pulled Dina back into her arms. "I'm not going anywhere, Dina."

Dina brushed her lips against Ellie's shoulder. "You promised me that last time, made me believe that we were going to leave it all behind, Ellie."

"Fuck..." Ellie whispered shaking her head. "I don't know how to make you believe what I'm saying. I'm here, I've been right here."

Dina looked up and at that moment looked more vulnerable than Ellie had ever seen her look. It broke her heart more than any way that Dina had treated her before that.

Ellie opened her mouth to speak but was quick to close it. She wasn't sure what she could say to Dina to fix the trust she had lost, but she knew she would do anything to earn it back. She would show her that this time was different, that this time she was going to keep her word to her.

She moved to rest her forehead against Dina's, looking as deep into her brown eyes that she could handle. "I promise." she whispered. 

A long moment passed between them and just as Ellie swore Dina was going to speak she felt a rustle at the foot of the bed. Sitting up, she was met with a side whine from Koby who stared at them both with sad brown eyes. "It's okay, boy."

Ellie laid back down, reaching out to tuck a strand of loose black hair back behind Dina's ear. "He got hurt today... I bet he's hungry."

Dina frowned. "Is he okay?"

Ellie gave a nod. "He will be. Are you hungry?"

"Yes..." she paused before looking up to meet Ellie's eyes. "Do you think we could have a bath first? It's been a long day and I feel kind of... dirty."

"Of course." Ellie nodded smiling brightly.

"Good." Dina rolled out of bed, pausing briefly to sit at the side before standing and turning to make sure her companion was going to follow. "Come on." she pleaded with a tilt of her head.

Ellie huffed and stretched out in the bed. "I'm coming."

"Doesn't look like it." Dina raised an eyebrow, a hand rested on her hip.

Ellie laid back and turned her head to look at the woman in front of her. Admiring the view and taking in everything from the way her hair had fallen out of the bun on top of her head and loosely framed her face, the way her eyes betrayed her feelings for her to the flatness of her stomach, only the lightest of bumps remaining from the birth of her child, to the way her hips curved.

"Don't look at me like that." Dina mumbled, a deep scarlet painting her cheeks.

"Like what?"

"Like that!" Dina scoffed, folding her arms to hide her chest and looking to the side. 

"What? Like you're the most beautiful woman in the world?"

Dina refused to speak, keeping her gaze off Ellie's. 

Ellie sat up, moving to sit on the edge of the bed in front of her. Dina yelped in surprise as she felt Ellie's arms snake around her waist, pulling her forward until Ellie's cheek rested on the skin between her stomach and the middle of her breasts. "You're beautful." Ellie murmured against her skin.

Dina took a deep breath and closed her eyes, bringing up her hand to run through Ellie's hair before giving it a playful tug.

"You're a dork." Dina smiled as she shoved the girl off her. "Now come on."

* * *

  
It wasn't awkward but it was foreign. Ellie stood behind Dina, taking in everything that was her beauty as they waited for the water to run. Ellie wouldn't have described it as an excruciatingly long wait, but every second that passed caused her cheeks to redden as her gaze wandered all over Dina's tanned skin.

She wondered how Dina was remaining so remarkably composed.

It didn't help that she could feel Dina doing the same to her. 

She stepped into the shorter woman only to be swatted away with a smile. 

"Wait." Dina chided.

Ellie feined a pout only to be rewarded with a kiss on the cheek.

"Wait."

Ellie this time did as she was told and watched as Dina leaned over the side of the tub to check the temperature of the water. She studied every curve in Dina's back. The way her spine protruded through her skin and ran a line down the middle of her back taking her eyes to her ass. Ellie blushed further and closed them.

She opened them again when she heard the sound of displaced water and watched as Dina climbed in before she scooted forward. 

"Get in." she requested.

With a nod Ellie obliged her wish and climbed in, settling in behind her. It was awkward at first but when she managed to settle her legs on either side of Dina's, the smaller girl was able to scoot back against her between them. The warmth of the water was nothing compared to the warmth she felt from Dina leaning her body back against her.

Dina grabbed Ellie's arms and wrapped them around her body. Leaning her back completely against Ellie's chest, she rested her head near her shoulder and closed her eyes contently.

"Good?" Ellie asked.

"Good." Dina replied, her body filled to the brim with contentedness. She needed this. Maybe more than Ellie needed this.

Ellie leaned down close to Dina's ear, brushing her lips against it in the way she knew Dina liked as she peered down at her body. Starting with her breasts and then traveling lower. "You know you're beautiful, right?" 

"You've already said that." she muttered back quietly, eyes still closed as she continued to enjoy the feeling of being held by Ellie again.

"But do you know?" Ellie countered.

Dina paused, biting her lower lip as she felt Ellie's hands begin to wonder. At first over her ribs and stomach, then up to her chest and over her breasts. "I feel it when I'm with you." she whispered breathlessly, arching her head back as Ellie came down to kiss her neck.

"I always want to make you feel beautiful, Dina." Ellie smiled against her skin, feeling her move under her hands as she massaged them gently in her palms.

Dina could only afford a moan in response as she began to unravel under Ellie's gentle touches.

Ellie sucked at the skin where her neck and shoulder met before giving it a light nibble. She moved her hand, thumbing over Dina's nipples and smiled against her skin feeling how erect they had become. She continued to place increasingly hard kisses on her neck as one of her hands traveled back down Dina's body to her thighs. She was gentle at first as she caressed them before grabbing them harder with more urgency.

"I want to make you feel good."

Dina blushed hard and just nodded. 

"Do you want me to make you feel good, Dina?" she asked softly for reassurance before continuing. 

"Ellie..." Dina moaned, feeling any walls that were still up breaking under Ellie's hands and finding it hard to find words to describe how much she wanted this. "I want you to make me feel good." she affirmed.

Ellie removed her hand from her breast and moved it to Dina's face, pushing her head towards her to capture her lips in a sloppy kiss. Dipping her hand lower, she allowed her fingers to dance across the skin of her inner thighs.

"Please Ellie." Dina breathed against her lips in the way she knew Ellie wouldn't be able to refuse.

She kissed her again, allowing her finger to slip between the folds granting her access to Dina's clit. Her finger slipped passed it, causing the woman in her arms to arch her back in response.

"Fuck, Ellie." she moaned.

Ellie captured Dina's neck in her mouth again, continuing to circle her clit with her finger. Gentle. Slow. Deliberate in a way she knew that Dina wouldn't be able to handle.

"Please..." Dina begged.

As her finger took another hard swipe over her clit, she allowed it to travel lower and she pressed that same finger into her opening. Pressing her palm flat against her clit, she curled her finger and gently pumped in and out.

She could feel Dina tense in her arms and it didn't take long before she tensed against Ellie's fingers and she released a hearty moan before falling back limping in her arms.

Ellie smiled as she peppered a million tiny kisses to her neck and cheek, expressing nothing but her utter adoration for the girl in her arms she pulled her tightly to her body.

"That was fast." she muttered between kisses.

"Shuuuutt up." Dina grumbled, wiggling in her arms from embarrassment.

Ellie smiled against her skin as she felt her relax once more.

"I just...I haven't had... I've wanted this for a long time." she admitted, thankful that Ellie wasn't able to see how red her face had become. "It's been a long time."

Ellie closed her eyes, leaning her head back. "Me too."

Dina laid her hands over top Ellie's arms, running her fingers up and down the length of her forearm. The two of them stayed peacefully like this until the water began to chill and she could feel the woman shivering in her arms.

"We should get out." Ellie finally spoke, resigning to the fact they wouldn't be able to stay here forever. 

Dina groaned, eyes still closed. "Not yet."

Ellie grabbed her hands and brought her fingers to her lips to kiss each one. "You're a prune."

"You're a prune." Dina retorted childishly. 

Ellie smiled, shifting her weight so she could sit up. She gave the woman one more tight squeeze before she got up from behind her, earning a groan from her.

"You're cruel." she spat.

"Yeah, yeah." she replied, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her small frame before grabbing another and holding it out for Dina. "C'mon. I'll make you some food."

With a groan, Dina finally lifted herself from the tub. Briefly, she stood in the water, allowing the water to drip from her body and enjoying the way Ellie's eyes hungrily roamed her body. Stepping out, she fell into the towel that Ellie held open for her and became a dead weight against her body. Ellie was strong, she knew that she would keep her upright.

Ellie wrapped her tightly up and kissed her forehead, holding her just as tight as she had in the tub.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry- this one took so long to put up, I accidentally deleted it so this update sucks in comparison to what it was but it's something.
> 
> Also, work and football has been consuming my life almost as much as my thoughts on this game has.  
> We played our rival team yesterday and my team talk consisted of 'do you want to fuck these guys up?'
> 
> We of course fucked 'em up.

Ellie rushed around the kitchen, empty bottles in hand, and clumsily knocking over the ones that weren't. 

"Sorry.." the auburn woman stumbled, rushing them over to the kitchen table.

"Do you have a problem?" Dina asked eyebrow cocked as she took a seat at the sticky table.

"N-no!" Ellie stammered, pausing from what she was doing to look over at a skeptical Dina. "My only problem here is you."

Dina allowed a small laugh to fall from her lips as she looked down. She believed that. There was a long silence before she spoke again. "No more, okay?"

Ellie nodded, turning back to the bench and finishing putting everything in the trash. She could feel Dina''s eyes burning into her as she moved around the kitchen. Every movement she made began to feel unnatural as she tried to keep her cool under her gaze.

Reaching into the fridge she pulled out some meat for Koby, scooping his normal amount into his bowl before added a bit more because well, he was a good boy. With the bowl in her hand, she turned around and watched as Dina crouched down in front of him.

He softly whimpered as Dina picked up his sore paw, running her fingers gently over it before getting to the swollen joint. She frowned as she continued to feel, making sure that everything was still in place. When she was satisfied that all was where it was meant to be, she gingerly placed his paw back down so as not to cause him any more pain and ran her fingers through the fur on his neck.

Koby happily panted and leaned into her contact.

Maybe he missed her as much as she had Ellie thought as she stepped up to them.

Dina looked up at her and smiled, the warmth in her eyes was enough to melt her heart. She wasn't sure if it was her or for her dog but at that moment she didn't care. It was there and that was enough.

She took the food bowl from her and after giving Koby one final pat placed it in front of him. "Okay." she whispered, before watching him dip his head and wolf down his meal.

"Does his paw feel okay?" Ellie asked, trying to fill the silence.

Dina nodded and walked back over to the kitchen table to take a seat. "Yeah, nothing feels broken at least. He should be okay."

"Pancakes." Ellie smiled and placed the meal in front of her, before taking a seat opposite her. 

Dina raised her eyebrow, picking up her fork and poking at the rubbery mess with it. "Are you sure?"

"What do you mean am I sure?" Ellie asked, picking up her own fork.

"I mean..." Dina began, picking up one on her fork and lifting it up, visually showing Ellie as it sagged on her fork like a sad tent.

"I followed a recipe!" Ellie replied, gesturing to the kitchen counter.

"Mhmm." Dina dismissed. "I bet you did."

Ellie went to argue but only smiled, adverting her gaze back to the table. She moved around the pancakes on her plate, thinking too much again.

This was easy.

"They could taste worse." Dina mumbled, her mouth full.

"You can cook next time..." Ellie took some of her own in her mouth. "These are terrible," she admitted, smiling when she heard Dina laugh.

"You think there's going to be a next time?" Dina asked with a cocked brow and a lazy smile.

"I mean, I hope so." Ellie smiled back.

They ate the rest of their dinner in silence. Every now and again offering each other kind smiles and longing looks. It's not that they didn't have anything to say, it's that they didn't need to. The words of the evening were enough for them to have to consider.

"You need to eat more." Dina finally broke the silence, only watching Ellie pick at her meal.

"I am." she replied while placing another fork full in her mouth and chewing slowly.

"You're not." Dina offered a steely gaze. "You're so skinny, Ellie."

Ellie shook her head. She knew she was right but she was trying to get better. "Look, I know. It's just not that easy as eating more... I just feel so sick, all the time." She looked down at the ground.

She watched as Dina pulled her knee to her chest, her foot resting on the base of the chair, and rested her chin on it, just as if she were a scared child.

"I am doing better, Dina." Ellie reiterated.

"But you need to do that for you." Dina quickly spoke, holding her eyes to Ellie's. "You can't hold me accountable for whether or not you do better."

"I'm not..." Ellie grumbled, looking to the floor.

"You are, Ellie. And that's not fair." she furrowed her brow. "You got your feelings hurt and what did you do? You went back to drinking too much. I don't want... I don't want that to happen again."

"It won't happen again." Ellie frowned. 

Dina softly shook her head, pulling her leg tighter to her chest. "I want to believe you, Ellie."

Ellie gave a small huff and looked down, fiddling with her fingers in her lap. She knew earning Dina's trust back wasn't going to be easy, but that thought didn't make her doubt feel any less crushing. 

Ellie wanted to argue with her, yell at her until she understood that she wouldn't be the same person she was before but she knew words were never going to be enough. If she couldn't show her than she would never believe her.

How was she meant to do it on her own?

The thought terrified her. The idea of shifting her mindset to that of 'I'm going to get better for me even if I never get to be with her again.' was a tough one for her to grasp. She knew it was wrong but she honestly didn't care about being a better person just for herself. Why would she? Without this she had nothing.

Ellie looked up and her eyes settled back on Dina, watching her hug her leg for comfort to her chest and she sighed. She knew that Dina was right, though. She couldn't keep running away from dealing with her emotions every time things got tough. She would never heal if she kept doing that.

"I'm sorry." Ellie finally mumbled so quietly it was barely audible.

Dina rose from her seat and came to crouch down beside Ellie, resting a soft hand on her thigh. "It's okay. I know." she whispered softly. "Let's go back to bed, eh? I'm tired. Today has been a lot."

* * *

  
Ellie sat down on the edge of the bed and watched mesmerized as Dina pulled her bra over her head and letting it go before dropping her panties to the ground and kicking them away. 

"Arms up." she demanded softly and pulled Ellie's own bra off when she obliged her request. "Let's just cuddle, okay?"

Even if Ellie had have had a choice, she wouldn't have said no. Dina was pushing her back. Pushing and shoving her until they were both under the covers and Dina was laying on top of her. Her head resting on her chest between her bare breasts and her hand raised to her shoulder. Ellie became hyper-aware of just hard her heart was pounding but if Dina had, she didn't say anything.

"Hold me." Dina requested, her voice smaller than usual and again Ellie obliged her request wrapping her arms around her waist, she pulled her tight to her own body. 

Ellie thought hard for a moment before she spoke. "When I first got back, when they found me out there... I thought I was dead. I thought that I had made it almost all the way back to you, back to where I wanted to be and then I fell short..." 

She stopped feeling Dina holding her tight grip on her body and give her a small reassuring squeeze in return.

"When everything went black I thought this is it. My heart was so heavy, I don't think I've ever felt so heavy. I thought I'd never get to see JJ again. To see you again. Get to see your smile. Tell you that I..." she stopped and shook her head, wondering if Dina was able to pick up on her slip. "In the hospital, I heard someone sing, the song that I sang for you on our way to Seattle. It sounded so much like you, it pulled me through... But when I woke up you weren't there. I was certain it was you, but I must have been dreaming."

"It was me..." Dina whispered, burying her face against her skin.

"Huh?"

She took a deep breath. "When you were brought back, I was inconsolable. I spent so long hating you, wishing for you to never come back just as much as I wanted you back. So when they brought you in and I thought you were dead... I thought it was my fault."

"It was never your fault, Dina." Ellie shook her head.

"I spent every day by your side. Me and JJ would come and see you every moment we could. And when we couldn't I would give him to his grandparents so I could spend more time with you. I talked to you and sang your stupid songs but you never woke up... until one day you did. And I couldn't handle it. So I ran..." she felt the small woman shrug. "I was so angry that you made me feel that way again, made me so worried I'd lose you all over again that I couldn't stay. It wasn't healthy, Ellie..."

Ellie nodded, completely understanding where she was coming from. It made her sad but she couldn't blame her.

"Thank you... You know, for being there for me." Ellie smiled, stroking her fingers up and down the smaller woman's spine.

"You don't get to die on us, Ellie." Dina frowned, digging her fingernails lightly into her shoulders.

"I don't plan on it." she shrugged.

"Do you... do you still love me?" 

Ellie could feel Dina's eyelashes on her bare skin as she blinked, she wondered if she was blinking back tears.

Ellie thought hard about how to reply. Of course, she loved her, she always had.

"Dina..." she began.

"It's okay if you don't." Dina quickly added. "I'll understand."

"I do. Of course, I do. You know that. It's just hard..." she trailed off, feeling Dina clench her eyes shut. "It's hard because I don't know if you're ever going to be with me again."

It was at that moment that she felt the woman shudder against her body, feeling the throws of her complete and utter sadness as sobs consumed her body. Ellie pulled her tight, holding her as close as she could without hurting her. She wanted to console her but knew there were no words to take away the pain of what she had done to her.

"I love you." Ellie mumbled, kissing the top of her. "I'm sorry. I love you, I'm sorry." she repeated over and over hoping the constant chant would be enough for her to begin believing it. She never wanted to make her cry again, but it seemed that that was all she did these days.

After a long while, the sobs finally stopped. She felt as Dina's breaths got more shallow and knew she had finally fallen asleep. Still, Ellie kept rubbing her back soothingly, she deserved a good night's rest and would lay underneath her for hours if that meant she would.   
Ellie laid awake, fearing that when she finally did fall asleep, Dina wouldn't be there when she woke up. She was exhausted and it wasn't long until a peaceful sleep claimed her.

* * *

  
Ellie woke with a start, reaching over and clasping at the girl who slept peacefully beside her. She felt her heart immediately settle in its cage in her chest and she hugged her body closer to Dina's. She was thankful that she hadn't run away. When she felt Dina stir she began to place light kisses to her face.

"Good morning."

"It's morning already...?" Dina mumbled, burying her face in the crook of Ellie's neck, trying to escape the light that was piercing through the window. 

"Mhmm." Ellie nodded. "Sorry."

Dina groaned and rolled over on to her back, staring up at the ceiling. She couldn't hide here forever as much as she wanted to. Eventually, they would have to go back to the real world where things weren't as easy as they were when you were hiding away.  
"...I can't stay." she finally managed to choke out.

"I know," Ellie replied, rolling over on to her side to watch her.

Dina turned her head and gave Ellie an apologetic smile. "I have a lot to figure out, huh?"

"Yeah, I don't envy you." Ellie joked and offered a small, sad smile in return. She had her own things to work out too.

"I've missed this... you." Dina finally admitted.

"I've missed you, too." Ellie repeated, grabbing her hand and bringing it to her lips. "But that's not enough, is it?" she added, falling on Dina's words from last night.

"No, it's not." Dina shook her head, moving her eyes back to the ceiling unable to take Ellie's gaze any longer.

They laid in bed for a while longer, before it couldn't be ignored. With a sigh, Dina sat up on the edge of the bed. She paused for a moment, clenching the sheets tight as she stared at the ground. As much as she wanted to stay, wanted to climb back under the covers with Ellie, she couldn't. She couldn't do this all over again. She hadn't forgotten the pain from it all.

There was nothing else said as Dina dressed, gathered her things, and left.


	18. Chapter 18

The next few days were awful for Ellie. She spent every waking moment pining for a girl who was probably still pining for someone else. She wasn't certain what their night together had meant and it fucked with her mind more than it should have. She knew what it had meant to her, but she couldn't comprehend what it had meant to Dina.

She had been too guarded.

Ellie had wanted to ask her but it had never quite felt like the right time and it was almost impossible to get her alone. She hadn't forgotten how popular Dina was around Jackson, but she had suddenly become more aware of the attention she received again.  
She felt a weird mix of jealousy and pride in the matter. Jealous that everyone else could freely approach her without consequence but proud that Dina was such a beloved member of the Jackson community.

Ellie wondered if she would ever be that cherished here.

"Hey, Ellie." 

Ellie shook her head, clearing her thoughts before turning her attention towards the familiar voice. "Hey, Cat." she stood from the ground and dusted her pants off. "What are you doing out here?"

Cat gave a coy smile before turning her attention to Koby to give him a good pat on the head. "There's just something about watching you get dirty."

Ellie rolled her eyes in response and hefted the saddle she had been polishing up, before walking into the shed to place it's on its stand.   
"Hey!" Cat groaned. "You can't just walk away from me."

Ellie snorted. "I can when you're being stupid."

"I meant it!" Cat laughed, following behind her and standing in the doorway to watch her tidy.

"Is it because you've never worked hard enough a day in your life to get dirty, Cat?" she joked, stepping passed the black-haired girl. "Come on Koby." she ran her hand over his head as she passed and he followed calmly behind.

Cat again turned and followed, stepping up beside her. "Do you want to get a drink with me tonight?"

"Sure." Ellie hummed.

"Great." she smiled, nudging Ellie with her shoulder. "You can't take me for a drink without dinner too, you know? What would everyone think?

"Ellie again rolled her eyes, only quickening her pace as they headed back into town. "Alright, I'll buy you dinner you fucking bum but only because I'm hungry too."

"Yes." Cat whispered, pumping her fist in the air as she excitedly skipped beside Ellie. 

The two girls took a seat at one of the booths, Cat choosing to sit on the same side. Ellie was very conscious of the fact Cat seemed to be getting closer and closer to her but instead, she just shrugged it off.

Ellie couldn't believe that she had remained such good friends with Cat after everything they had been through. When they had broken up, Cat had made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with Ellie. She had wished her the best and the courage to finally admit her feelings but she wanted no part of that.

At the time Ellie didn't mind. It had been awkward after their last conversation, Ellie still choosing not to tell Cat the truth about her feelings when Cat had asked. What was she meant to say though? That she was deeply in love with her best friend who was also dating her other best friend? 

So she was surprised that when she came back to Jackson that Cat had pursued a friendship with her. Ellie wasn't sure if there were any ulterior motives there, she also wasn't sure if she would care if there was. It was just nice to have someone to talk to.

"So, what do you think?" Cat asked, pulling back her sleeve to show a new tattoo she had given herself a few days ago.

Ellie reached out and ran her fingers over the new ink. "That's really cool, Cat. Did you design it yourself?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! Victoria told me the story about the fucking bear you guys took down and I had this idea. I think it's pretty badass."

Ellie smiled. "People talk, huh?"

"Are you kidding me!" Cat exclaimed, throwing her arms into the air exaggeratingly. "You guys took down a bear. A fucking bear, Ellie. What even..." she sagged back down against the table. "That's nuts. Of course, people are still talking about it. There are two groups of people in town you know? Those who want to go out on patrol with you because that shit is insane, and those who don't want to go out on patrol with you because well, that shit is insane."

Ellie laughed, taking a sip from her drink, and deciding to play along. "I am pretty cool."

Cat leaned against her, putting pressure on her shoulder. "Not that cool." she tutted. "They don't know you like I do, you nerd."

Their food was placed in front of them and they both happily tucked in, Ellie slowly eating her plate of fries one by one.

"So..." Cat begins, nervousness suddenly betraying her cool exterior. "What are you doing tonight 'cause like, I was thinking maybe we could watch one of those nerdy movies you like so much."

Ellie shrugged. "I dunno. I need to go talk to Tommy and Maria about some stuff but I suppose..."

Her sentence was cut off by someone shuffling in the booth opposite her. She furrowed her brow at the distraction but her face only melted when she saw who it was.

"Hey, Ellie..." she spoke softly. "Cat." she nodded in her direction curtly.

"Dina, hey." Ellie smiled.

"Dina." Cat nodded back.

"What are you guys doing?" Dina asked, locking her eyes with Ellie's as if the other girl wasn't even there.

Ellie shrugged. "Just having dinner."

Dina's eye flitted between Cat and Ellie. "Right..."

Cat smiled and nudged Ellie with her shoulder, lingering at the contact point before pulling away. "Actually we were just about to go watch a movie, weren't we, Ellie?"

Dina raised a brow, reaching over to Ellie's plate and grabbing a fry before placing it in her mouth. She chewed slowly as her eyes met Cat's. "That sounds...fun."

Cat met her gaze with a sickly sweet smile.

Dina turned her attention back to Ellie begging her to look up and meet her eyes so she could shamelessly stare into them but she didn't. "Well, are your plans set in stone? 'Cause a few of us are planning to get together tonight..."

Ellie finally looked up and met Dina, her heart immediately pounding in her chest so hard she could feel it ringing in her ears. She opened her mouth to speak but was cut off.

"I'm actually pretty tired, I don't think I could handle a party tonight." Cat masked the harshness of her tone with a laugh.

"That doesn't sound like you, Cat. Aren't you always down for a party?" Dina asked, almost matching her tone.

Ellie shook her head, turning her face to Cat. "We could go for a little bit?" she asked weakly, failing to pick up on the tense situation.

Cat looked back at her and sighed, allowing a smile to creep back on her lips. "Okay, Ellie. I'll let you take me to this party."

Ellie turned her attention back to Dina fast enough that she caught the roll of her eyes. She felt a small smile tug at the corner of her lips.

"Well..." Dina finally spoke, grabbing another of Ellie's fries and placing it in her mouth. "I'll see you guys there?" she slid her body out of the seat and back to the bar.

Ellie looked over her shoulder as Dina sauntered back to the bar, taking a seat with her friends. With him. She shook her head hard and looked back to her meal, picking up a fry as Dina had. She wasn't sure it would ever get easier.

"Ow." she grumbled as Cat hit her hard on her arm. "What was that for?"

"You're really fucking clueless, Ellie." Cat grumbled.

"What did I do?" she asked empathetically.

Cat only shook her head and went back to her meal.

* * *

  
It was late when Cat and Ellie arrived at the spot later that night. The moon was full and set above them in the sky. The only light came from the fire in the middle of the clearing and the fairy lights strung low in the trees.

Cat clung to her arm, stating it was too cold tonight to be out but had refused to put on extra clothes when Ellie had asked her to. Ellie thought about offering her jacket but thought that she would then be cold. If it got worse later she would, she decided but first had to prove a point.

"Ellie, Cat!" Dave yelled, stepping between them and ushering them closer to the fire. "Here." he passed them a bottle of clear liquid.  
Ellie glanced at Cat before shrugging and taking a long swig. It burnt more than it should have on the way down and was certain that it was someone's concoction from home that they had attempted to brew. She handed the bottle to Cat who looked at her skeptically before following suit.

She coughed and wiped at her mouth. "What is this shit?"

Dave shrugged. "I don't know but it'll get you fucked up." he laughed, taking the bottle and skittering off in the direction of some people his age.

"Fucking kids." Ellie muttered and Cat laughed.

She tugged her arm towards the log that sat near the fire and made her sit down beside her, leaning in close for warmth. 

Ellie sat there and allowed it, holding out her hands to warm them by the fire as it crackled softly in front of them. She rubbed at her palm with her thumb as she stared into the flame, drowning out the commotion around her.

"Cat!" a girl yelled from behind her, knocking them both as she wrapped her arms around Cat's neck.

Cat laughed, reaching up to hold the small arms and leaned forward slightly. "Hey, Vic. You been drinking?"

Ellie smiled as she watched the two girls beside her laugh. She excused herself with the promise to come back once she had found something else to drink, thankful to be out of earshot of the younger girls excited squeals. 

She approached a few people on the outskirts near the trees and noticed the joint in their hand. She gratefully took it when offered and took a long drag, holding it in her lungs before exhaling the cloud of smoke. It had been a long time since she had partaken in weed.

She continued to make small talk with the boys about patrol, finding out they had wanted to ask her questions for a long time.

"Hey." a small voice spoke and placed a soft hand on the side of her arm.

She turned around at the contact and immediately felt relaxed. "Hey, Dina."

"You came." she smiled, holding her hands behind her back and tilting her head to the side.

Ellie shrugged, offering the joint in her hand to the black-haired woman. "You asked me to."

Ellie watched as Dina accepted and brought it to her lips, inhaling the harsh smoke and holding Ellie's gaze as she exhaled and finally spoke. "I'm glad you came." she breathed, handing the joint back before leaving her hand to rest on Ellie's forearm.

She nervously looked down, failing to hide the smile on her lips. 

"Hey!" a gruff voice spoke from behind them.

Ellie tensed and she immediately felt Dina's hand fall from her skin. She frowned and looked up as Jack stepped behind her wrapping his big arms tightly around her arms and giving her a squeeze before dropping them.

"Your back." Dina started turning around to face him with a smile. "Thought you were out until later."

"We made good time." he shrugged. "Get a drink with me?" he reached for her wrist and gently tugged her along.

Dina glanced over her shoulder mouthed. 'I'm sorry' with an apologetic smile.

Ellie took a deep breath before she took another moment to finish the joint in her hand before flicking it to the ground and stamping it out under her shoe, harder than she needed to put it out.

She wondered if Jack hated her being with Dina as much as she hated Dina being with him.

She wasn't sure why she hadn't considered that this might happen. She figured she had been too caught up in everything that had happened this week to even spare Jack another thought after her and Dina's talk. It was stupid of her, really so she accepted the weight she felt in her chest.

As she stepped back towards the fire she felt the weed hit her and her head began to spin. 

She smiled as she fell back beside Cat who was enthusiastically talking to Victoria on her other side.

"Hey." Ellie murmured, looking down at her feet.

Ellie felt as Cat wrapped her arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to her body, still carrying on her conversation with Victoria.  
She closed her eyes and allowed the contact, feeling peace against Cat's side as she listened to them speak. She wasn't sure what they were talking about but it was comforting at the same time and so she just listened.

Her arm still burnt from the contact from Dina earlier, a reminder of her unrequited love. 

Everything she shared with Dina, she was certain Jack too shared it with her too except she felt like she was some kind of fucked up secret. All the glances, the small contacts, the lingering touches.

Was that all it was going to be? A secret affair between the two of them?

"You alright?" Cat asked, dropping her arm down to Ellie's waist and squeezing her side.

"Mhmm." Ellie replied, finally opening her eyes. "I'm good."

Cat laughed and pulled her tighter. "Aw. Did you smoke too much, Ellie?"

Ellie swatted her away and groaned. "No, I'm just tired." she lied suddenly feeling more awake. 

Cat only shrugged in response, turning her attention back towards her friend and continuing their conversation.

Ellie stared hard into the intense flames, sure that the flames could be mirrored in her eyes. She could feel the heat radiating and threatening to burn her skin but she didn't care. She wanted to be anywhere else but here now. Away from the two people that sat on the other side. 

Closer than she would have liked to have seen them. 

She could hear Dina laugh and saw as she leaned into him. They weren't touching but they were too close for Ellie's liking. She knew she was being a hypocrite considering Cat had just been holding her but that was different. She didn't have a current thing with Cat.

When Ellie's eyes met Dina's, Dina looked down until he placed his hand on her thigh and she looked back up to him with a smile.

She was angry, she couldn't even be certain that she was seeing everything correctly as it happened or just reading too much into it.   
The least they could do was not do this shit in her presence.

Ellie thought she could do this, though she could be friends with Dina again. She convinced herself that she would be able to handle it, but she had never been more wrong about something in her life. She still felt too much anger.

She clenched her fist angrily at her sides. There was only so much someone could take.

She rose to her feet and began to storm off. "I'm going for a walk." she mumbled to Cat, kicking a bottle on her way passed.

"Ellie." Cat yelled. "What's wrong?"

"Ellie..." Dina called after. "That's a bad idea, come back."

"Leave her." Jack groaned, pulling Dina back as she rose to her feet.

Ellie thought being eaten to death by infected would be a better situation than this one right now, wishing she hadn't just caused a scene.

Dina gave Jack a stern look before shaking free, running after her friend. "Wait up."

Dina had had too many arguments about Ellie with Jack.

Dina grabbed her hand, tugging her back which did nothing to placate Ellie. 

"Get off me." she growled.

"Ellie, enough. I'm sorry. He was just playing around." she spoke softly, trying to calm the rage of the girl before her.

"That's fucking nice for you but this isn't a game to me." Ellie snarled.

Dina reached for her hand again only for Ellie to step away. "Just come back."

At that moment Jack came back in to view, standing closely behind Dina. "Everything okay, Ellie?"

"No, it's actually not, Jack." she replied snidely, throwing her hand to the side. 

"Don't be a dick." he growled back.

Ellie laughed, pushing past them both as she headed back to the clearing. "This is a fucking joke."

"You're a joke." Jack spat back, turning around to face her.

Ellie stopped in her tracks, turning and stepping back to square up to him. "What the fuck did you just say?" she asked, shoving him hard in the chest.

The others that they had left behind began to move closer to them, readying to break up a fight if it happened.

"Ellie." Cat pleaded, stepping forward.

"I said you're a joke. Pathetic. Your woe is me schtick is getting really old."

"Jack..." Dina said quietly tugging his hand.

"You fucked up. You had her, you lost her, get over it." he yelled, moving closer to her. "Just because Joel died don't mean you get a pass to be a fucking bitch all the time. Don't think you're so special, Ellie."

Ellie glared, anger rising in her gut. She would have hit him at that moment but instead, she took a deep breath and turned around to leave. She was a fucking joke.

"What the fuck, Jack." Dina frowned, shoving him in the arm. "Ellie, wait."

Ellie flipped them off over her shoulder, her breathing ragged as she tried to get her anger under control. She reached out and took Cat's hand in hers, pulling her from the group and taking her with her as they stormed off.

* * *

  
They sat in silence, dangling their legs over the side of the wall and resting their arms and chins on the lowest railing, peering out over the dark expanse of land before them. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Cat finally asked when the silence had become too much.

"Not really." Ellie murmured, kicking her feet slowly.

"I like you Ellie, but you're really frustrating sometimes..." she paused, ready to continue but decided against it. "Bet you wish we just watched the movie, huh?" she finally finished with a shrug.

"Would have happened eventually." Ellie shrugged back.

"She's not the only girl in town, you know?" Cat asked, glancing to look at Ellie.

Ellie turned her head to look at Cat, her eyes falling to her lips.

Cat had been a good friend to Ellie. Ellie knew she had always wanted more, but Cat knew that she could never give that to her for when they were dating, everyone could see that Ellie was madly in love with Dina.

She thought she could kiss her now and the moment would be perfect.

Would it be enough to help her forget?

Instead, she looked down and shook her head when she heard Cat sigh.

"I'm sorry, Cat." she closed her eyes.

Cat didn't need to say anything, she knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Are you just going to be a eunuch for the rest of your life?" Cat mused.

Ellie finally opened her eyes and turned back to Cat offering her a small laugh. "You don't want to kiss someone hung up on someone else anyways."

Cat smirked back. "I wouldn't be doing it to make you feel better, Ellie." 

"Oh, you want to take advantage of me?" she asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"Mhmm. More using you for my own gratification."

Ellie blushed and nudged her with her elbow. "You're disgusting."

"You were good at it!" Cat laughed before resting her head on Ellie's shoulder. "Call it what you want but I'd go round two."

Ellie smiled. "Maybe one day I'll be over everything... Thanks for being a good friend, Cat." she finally spoke, wrapping her arm around her and rubbing her cold arm. "Can I walk you home?"

* * *

  
Ellie wasn't surprised when she found Dina on her porch that night after dropping Cat home.

"Hey..." she smiled sweetly, rising to her feet to meet her.

"Hey." Ellie mumbled back. She wasn't sure she had any feelings left to convey right now.

"Look... I'm sorry about Jack. What he said was out of line. He's sorry too, for what it's worth." she began only to be stopped by Ellie holding up her hand.

"I don't think he is sorry. What does it matter anyways? What's done is done."

There was a silence as Ellie stepped past her up to her door and put the key in the lock. Dina clenched her fist at her side and looked down.

"Are you and Cat... you know?" Dina asked, never raising her eyes to meet Ellie's.

Ellie turned around, watching as the black-haired woman kept her eyes fixed to the ground. 

"What does it matter what we are? You've made your choice."

"I haven't." Dina replied through teary eyes.

Ellie shook her head, moving to close the distance between the two. "From where I stand, it's pretty clear what you want. Just don't fucking do it in front of me."

"You don't know what I want. I don't want... I don't want you and Cat to be together." she managed to choke out.

Ellie threw her head back and laughed. "You don't even know what you want. Am I just meant to pretend forever that it's me while I watch you two be a happy family? Get fucked, Dina."

"It's not that easy, Ellie." she frowned, stamping her foot on the ground.

"I hurt you when I left, but you've fucking destroyed me with what you've done with this whole mess."

Ellie looked at her hard before she shook her head and stormed inside, slamming the door behind her.


	19. Chapter 19

Ellie didn't see Dina and Jack around much after that. She wasn't sure if it was because they were avoiding her, or that it was because she was actively avoiding any conflict with them. She was miserable and didn't need them compounding it. She had asked Tommy not to put them on any assignments together and he had agreed. It made his life easier after all.

She occasionally saw Dina around and offered a friendly smile. She occasionally saw Jack around and steered clear of him. Fortunately, she had never seen them together.

Cat had remained a good friend to Ellie during the whole ordeal. She was pretty and Ellie sometimes thought again about trying to kiss her the way that she had kissed Dina, but she knew it would never be the same. Sometimes she thought that Cat wanted her to try, but she never pressed the matter.

She began to have 'family' dinners with Tommy and Maria once a week every Sunday. It was nice to sit down and share a meal with them, it wasn't the same as when she used to do it with Joel. But still, it was nice.

They didn't tiptoe around any of the issues with her, they told her how it was and helped her to fix any problems she was having. If she was being an unjustified dick to someone when her anger got the best of her, they would tell her and at first, they would have to make her apologize. Eventually, she started apologizing without being asked.

She felt like she had become a better person in their presence.

Ellie had been most surprised with Maria though when she had begun treating her like her own daughter. 

She pushed her to step up and even though her 20th birthday had just barely passed, Maria had begun to show her the ropes. 

Everything she did Maria let her shadow. She wasn't sure if it was because Maria was trying to keep her distracted or if she sincerely thought she was capable but eventually Ellie realized that Maria believed in her.

So every Sunday after dinner Maria and Ellie would sit at the table and work out the patrol rotations for the week. Who would work well with who and who was ready to step up and lead a group.

Every time it came to Dina, Ellie would place her with the strongest and most capable people and Maria would give her a knowing look but never said anything as she understood.

Ellie hated that sometimes it meant that she would have to pair Dina and Jack together, but she knew that he was one of the most capable beside herself so conceded that it had to be. She would put her pride on the shelf to ensure her safety.

She didn't like to but often found herself thinking back to the last night she had spent with Dina. She knew that what had happened between them was wrong and it definitely didn't sit well with her morals but she knew she needed that just as much as Dina had needed it.

She tried to convince herself that if that opportunity were to present itself again that she wouldn't take it, but she knew damn well she would. If she got too close to Dina she knew that she would allow her to destroy her all over again. She was Icarus and Dina was her sun.

At night she slept better thinking of that night, remembering how peaceful Dina had been in her arms, how easy sleep had come to her.  


It never came that easy to her anymore, but still, it was better than it once had been.

When she found herself lost in a loop of memories, she would busy herself with Koby. One of the only constants in her life. He was too loyal for his own good sometimes, putting himself in dangerous situations to help her. She was thankful for it though, sometimes she was sure she wouldn't have come back without him.

And when she had to leave him home, no matter how long she had been gone he was always there by the gate or on her doorstep waiting to welcome her home.

On the days the children of Jackson knew she was home she would find them waiting for her outside her door and they would beg her to show them some tricks with Koby and they would copy. Sometimes the dog would comply with demands to the children's excitement, other times he would just sit and stare at Ellie in confusion.

Ellie thought in those moments he was getting soft as he followed a ball one of the children had thrown, but when she would take him out of the walls he would show that he wasn't.

Once the children had seen all the tricks in Koby's arsenal, Ellie would spend the night teaching him another from a dog training book she had picked up from one of her patrols. She had mainly got it as a joke but it had since come in handy.

Sometimes she would see Dina standing in the distance watching, a small JJ at her feet, and the want to send the small boy over to join in with the other children. Ellie wouldn't have minded, but she never did.

Ellie had decided that night at the party that she would survive without seeing her smile.

But she had still wished it was her that she had chosen.

Tommy reminded her a lot of Joel. His accents and his mannerisms. Sometimes if Ellie closed her eyes and listened to him talk she swore that it was Joel talking to her.

A couple of weeks after her first dinner with Maria and Tommy she decided that it had been long enough, that it was time to go visit her old man.

_She was sure that dealing with a horde of infected was less daunting than the tentative steps she took towards the town's graveyard._

_She was sure she turned a short walk into hours._

_She spent a long time standing on the outskirts just staring at his grave, hoping that next time she blinked the stone wouldn't be there anymore and Joel would be back at home waiting for her but funnily enough it's position never changed._

_The world moved and changed around her but she still didn't move._

_She stood there long enough for the air to turn cold around her and the last threads of daylight that weaved through the trees were finally gone._

_Taking a deep breath, she pulled up the hood of the sweater under her jacket before exhaling, her breath visible in the cold and she stepped over the small fence that separated the cemetery from the path._

_It felt like the most important step of her life._

_As her foot hit the earth it felt like a weight had immediately been lifted off her shoulders. So she allowed herself to take another, then another, until she was standing in front of his grave. Staring at his name in such harsh letters was confronting but instead, she just nodded, accepting that there was nothing that could have been done._

_That no amount of fighting or wishing would change what had happened._

_Joel had essentially given his life so she could have his own and she needed to honor his memory by living hers._

_She noticed the small bunch of flowers that had recently been placed there and was thankful that someone had been visiting. She wasn't sure who it was but she felt an urge to find out and thank them for visiting him._

_"Hey old man..." she whispered, sitting down on the earth beside his named stone and suddenly feeling stupid for talking to nothing._

_She shook her head, her brain replaying their journey together and she felt the tears well in her eyes._

_"I figure you've seen how stupid I've been."_

_She leaned her back against the tombstone and looked up to the sky, becoming aware of all the moments she had missed with him now. It had been a long time since he had passed._

_"I've messed a lot of stuff up. Life's pretty hard when you don't have someone leading you in the right direction, huh?"_

_How he would have scolded her for bringing Koby home. Given her a lecture about how they didn't need another mouth to feed. How she knew she would have come to turn off the TV one night to see them curled up on the couch together asleep and he would be his new best friend._

_"Tommy says that he sees a lot of you in me. Not the bad things, but the good stuff... That he was worried for a while that I was turning in to the mess you once were. I think I'm okay with that. Being considered your daughter I mean... With people seeing the best parts of you in me."_

_Her first true love. The birth of her son._

_She was certain Joel would have made a good grandfather. How he would have bounced the boy on his knee and one day taught him to play the guitar just like he had taught her._

_How he would have spoiled him by making him toys in his workshop and finding him sweets for him to enjoy. He definitely would have been more chunky than Ellie had made him._

_"You always taught me to do what was right and I think I lost sight of that for a while. I was so angry..."_

_She knew how harshly Joel would have scolded her for turning her back on her family. She knew he would have been able to talk some sense into her. But she also knew that none of this would have happened if he were still here._

_Ellie fiddled with her hands, blinking back the tears that were threatening to escape._

_"I forgive you, you know?" she managed to choke out with a shake of her head. "I struggled with that for a long time but I think I always did forgive you. I just couldn't see that back then... If it were you or Dina, or JJ... I would have done the same thing. I guess you don't really realize those things until you have someone that you would do them for."_

_She finally broke down, the tears spilling from her eyes and on to the bare ground between her feet. She sobbed, hiding her face in her hands._

_"I really miss you."_

_She sniffed, wiping her nose with the back of her hand before lifting her head to look at the stars in the sky._

_"You're in a better place now, I think. Somewhere where it doesn't hurt anymore. With Sarah..."_

_She nodded and stood up, looking back she placed a hand to his gravestone and looked down at the ground._

_"I'll be alright. I know you'll always be looking out for me."_

_She shifted her feet against the earth and gave one finally sniff before she turned away, promising herself she would spend more time here with Joel, that she wouldn't leave it so long again._

_She knew she meant that too. Her body somehow felt lighter than it had in a long time as if the weight of all their sins had disappeared._

  
She wasn't sure if she spent more time with Tommy because he reminded her of Joel or if it was the fact he was pretty much her only family now. Most nights she and Tommy would share a drink together before heading home for the night. They would discuss the increased infected numbers with her and sometimes they would leave the walls themselves to see what was going on. They often cleared the way from the town down to the dam so they could make sure their electricity supply remained safe.

They both wanted the same things for Jackson.

They couldn't quite figure out where they were coming from as they seemed to come from different directions every day or what the reasoning was. They figured that they were just a huge horde working its way across the country collecting more as it went along. She had described the state of Las Vegas to Tommy and they had agreed that they would just try and keep chipping away at them so that it didn't get to that level.

Patrols had ceased in the last few weeks. More and more infected were gathering at their gates and they needed every single person to man the gates before they had too much pressure at their walls. Ellie felt sad by the prospect that she couldn't leave the walls but was thankful for the extra shifts granted to her to keep watch. She found happiness in the idea of keeping her people safe. Keeping her and her baby safe, though she wouldn't admit that to herself anymore.

She had been on guard duty for 14 hours that day when she had walked back into town. She could hear people whispering around her, but she was certain she was just being paranoid. This continued as she ate her dinner at the bar with Cat.

"You're getting fat, Ellie." Cat quipped with a smirk.

Ellie looked down at her body that had begun to fill out her clothes again. She was sure she was almost back where she used to be, or that maybe she was slightly larger. She wasn't really sure but she felt good for the first time in a long time. She had more energy and didn't just feel tired all the time and for that she was thankful.

Just like Cat had promised her, it had gotten easier. Every day it seemed as if another piece had just fallen in to place and she began to feel more complete. Jackson while it would never be perfect to her, was beginning to feel more like home.

Everyone didn't step out of the way to avoid her, nor did they ignore her because they were scared of what she had done or what she had become. Instead, when she walked down the streets they greeted her fondly, asking her how she was doing and if she needed anything. Sometimes Ellie found herself taking the long way home passed the bakery because she knew Victoria and her father would call her in and offer her something from earlier that morning to take home.

On her patrols she found herself thinking back to things she had heard in town, rumors of things that people needed, or just simply wanted. She made an effort to keep an eye out for those things and when she found them she would take them to the correct people on her way home. She never accepted anything for them, just happy that she could help.

Sometimes she caught wind of something Dina needed and made an extra effort to find it for her. When she did she never personally handed it to her, in those moments she would give it to someone else to handoff with the guise that someone else had given it to her to pass on or she would just leave it on her front porch as she passed by.

Sometimes she wondered if Dina knew it was her. She liked to think that she would know and would appreciate the small gesture but figured it didn't matter either way.

Occasionally Tommy would praise all the good work she was doing for all the folk of Jackson. She hated those moments. She didn't do it for recognition, or self-gratification. She did it because it was the right thing to do. She didn't need praise to reward that. The thankful smiles were enough for her.

"This is why you're single, Cat." Ellie laughed. "Plus, I think it's Maria... she did the same to Tommy. You've seen him," she exclaimed jokingly, motioning a solid width with her hands. "He's huge."

"I'm single because I have you hanging around me 24/7. You're a fucking cock-block, Ellie. Get a hobby." Cat joked, reaching over and flicking her on the forehead. "Or at least be a better wing woman."

"I'll do better!" Ellie promised, swatting at Cat's hand. "Who's your next target anyways? I'll lay the groundwork."

"Target? They're people, Ellie." Cat's smirk widened before she added. "Yeah, okay. I'll take that actually. No one knew though, yet."

"You've not gone through the whole town already, have you, Cat?" Ellie joked knowing it would get a rise from her friend.

To her surprised, Cat just quirked her eyebrow.

"Back to the start, I reckon, your turn to step up to the plate and take one for the team?"

"You wish." Ellie snorted and looked down, bringing her glass to her lips.

Cat watched Ellie take a sip before she spoke knowing the name she was about to use was a taboo subject between them. "Dina was asking after you again the other day."

"Cat." Ellie groaned, putting her drink back to the table.

Cat raised her hands in mock surrender. "Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just passing on what I know." she watched as Ellie kept her eyes down. "Personally I think it's pretty big of her to come to me, you know, considering how much she doesn't like me."

"She didn't hate you, Cat." Ellie shot back, looking up.

Cat snorted. "Sure, Ellie. I didn't tell her that you're still hopelessly in love with her if that's what you're worried about."

"Cat!" Ellie blushed and pulled a face at her. "I'm not!"

"Mhmm. Well, I just thought you should know. I'd wanna know." Cat finished with a shrug.

Ellie looked up and pursed her lips, fighting with herself internally with whether or not she should ask or not.

"Is she okay?" Ellie finally spat out and taking a sip of her drink, unsure of whether or not she wanted to know the answer. 

It wouldn't make it any easier.

"Oh yeah, she's getting married." Cat replied with a casual wave of her hand.

Ellie almost spat out her drink instead choking on the liquid on the way down, she hit at her chest with her hand. "She's what?"

Cat gave a hearty laugh. "I'm just fucking with you. Funny that I thought you didn't care anymore."

Ellie frowned and watched Cat wave dismissively over her shoulder as she moved to greet the new patrons that had stepped up.

Ellie sat there with her drink tightly in her hand quietly fuming.

As she sat there she felt the atmosphere shift. She was sure that it had become painfully quiet but couldn't be sure it just wasn't her recovering from her potential heart attack or if it had just gotten quiet.

When Cat came back she had noticed a shift in Cat's demeanor. She had noticed that Cat had seemed off but when she had pressured her, Cat remained tight-lipped so Ellie shrugged it off. 

When Tommy walked into the bar and sat beside her she knew something was wrong.

"Hey, Kiddo..." he nervously spoke as he sat down beside her.

Why couldn't he look at her?

"Tommy, what's wrong?" she asked, her voice betraying the sinking feeling in her gut.

He placed a hand to her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, he knew Ellie was trying to put it behind her but knew that if no one told her and something bad happened she would never forgive any of them.

"It's Dina..." he began.

Ellie froze. "What's wrong. Is she okay?"

Tommy only shook his head.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I could recommend that you listen to one song/watch one video before reading it would be this one;  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqfrlPmLJlI&list=RDFqfrlPmLJlI&index=1  
> The audio is a little messed up I think because of being copyright striked but it's still ok.
> 
> This has been one of my favourite fan made videos to any song ever for years and I like to think that Ellie would feel some what similar to what the song conveys when she considered everything Dina meant to her. When I thought of writing this chapter this is the first thing I immediately thought of.

Ellie was certain in that moment she had never run anywhere so fast in her life. 

Her heart was pounding in her chest so hard she thought it was close to falling out. Her ears rang and she couldn't make sense of anything going on around her. It was all just a blur and she knew she had only felt this feeling once before, back when she was racing to find Joel. When she was rushing to find him bloody and broken on the floor.

Back when she was forced to watch him die.

Koby followed closely behind her keeping pace, his pants keeping her grounded.

When she arrived at the clinic she bounded in, pushing passed everyone who tried to stop her. She only stopped when she came to her bedside and she froze.

Froze in fear of what she was seeing, frozen in fear of what it meant.

Dina lay before her tucked tightly into the covers. Her face sweaty and pained, her eyebrows furrowed into a deep v and her eyes clenched shut. Ellie immediately and without hesitation reached out and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly in hers. Her eyes never leaving her face, flittering between every painful twitch.

Everything that had happened before didn't matter at that moment. It could all wait.

She wanted to beg her to wake up, to say something to her. To yell at her for touching her hand or even being by her side. To scream at her for letting her down but she didn't move.

"What's wrong?" Ellie asked, her voice quivering as she looked hopefully up at the only actual doctor Jackson had to offer.

Ellie knew that Jane was a good doctor, she had taught Dina everything she knew, but that didn't mean that Ellie didn't doubt her in the panic that had consumed her.

"We don't know..." Jane replied more calmly than what Ellie would have liked. "We're not sure."

"What do you mean you're not sure?" Ellie growled, turning back and only focusing on the pain Dina seemed to be in. 

This couldn't be happening.

"We don't know, Ellie. We think it might be some kind of infection..." she shook her head softly.

"Then fix it!" she yelled, throwing her hand to the side frustratedly. "What are you waiting for, just fix it."

"We can't... We don't have what we need." Jane replied sympathetically. "We don't know if she will make it, Ellie. Her fever is really bad. We don't know what it is."

Ellie was about to yell, scream at them for not doing anything to help Dina, to stand and get out all the frustration she felt until there was a gentle squeeze against her hand.

"Ellie" the smaller girl wheezed out, clearly in pain.

"Dina, shh, it's okay," she replied, rubbing the back of her hand with her thumb, all her anger melting away as she knelt down beside Dina's bed.

She barely managed to open her eyes, her glassy gaze fell on Ellie. "It hurts."

"I know, I know it does. It's going to be okay. We're going to fix this." she murmured, burying her face in Dina's hand. "You're going to be okay."

"Ellie..." Dina began before she closed her eyes and fell limp, falling back into her restless fever dream.

Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat, reaching out to run the back of her fingers gently along Dina's flushed cheek. She would give anything to take the pain she felt away, to trade places with her so she would just be okay.

There were so many people that cared for Dina more than they cared for her and she would gladly switch places if that meant that they still got to see her smile. That JJ would still have his mother.

She sat back in the chair beside Dina's bed, rubbing her rough hands over her face, wishing that when she looked back up all of this would be some messed up dream that she would wake up from. 

The moment she had arrived she had wanted to cry but no matter how hard she willed them to fall to make her feel better, they wouldn't come.

She looked down, she really didn't need to think too hard, she knew what she had to do.

"What do you need?" Ellie asked, turning to face the doctor and her students that stood behind her.

"Ellie, it might already be too late... and even if it wasn't, by the time you get back it might be too late. It's too dangerous to go out right now." Jane spoke softly in that reassuring way doctors do when they expect the worst. "I think you just need to spend time with her now."

Ellie shook her head angrily and turned her attention to Jack who was hovering some distance to the side. Their eyes met and he looked down. 

"I don't care! You think I can just sit here and watch this happen? Just give me a damn list of everything you need to make her okay and I'll go get it for you. You have to try." she yelled, pleaded, rising to her feet to challenge the doctor. "Whatever you need, I'll get it. just tell me what you need." she repeated, backing down when she realized just how threatening she had seemed.

Jane nodded, knowing that she couldn't argue. She didn't want to. Dina was a favorite of hers and she wished she was brave or strong enough to do it herself. She knew she was needed here though. She wouldn't have a chance without her.

"Okay." she finally conceded, giving Ellie a nod. "We'll put together a list, give us a moment." she looked upon the two girls sympathetically before glancing to Jack. "We'll give you a moment alone."

Still holding her hand, Ellie glared at Jack. "What the hell happened?"

"I dunno..." he spoke softly. "She hasn't been feeling well for a while, she didn't think it was anything serious. I found her like this on the floor this morning. I brought her right here." he finished as if trying to assure Ellie he had done the right thing.

"Why didn't you make her get checked out!" she growled, her thumb rubbing lines up over Dina's knuckles.

Jack only shook his head. "I couldn't make her do anything... She... wouldn't listen to me even if I had."

Ellie only frowned. Why hadn't Dina gotten looked at earlier. She knew better than this, had scolded her for less for not coming here.

"You're going out there?" Jack asked, unsure.

"You're not?" Ellie retorted, staring at him with a harsh gaze. "You're happy to sit here and watch her die?"

He shook his head, taking a small step back. "You won't make it, Ellie. No one would make it out there right now. She'll pull through, she's strong. She has to."

Ellie scoffed and disbelief. "Are you fucking kidding me, man? You're meant to love her."

Jack remained silent and only looked down, in shame or embarrassment, Ellie didn't know.

"I can't...She doesn't even..." his whispered, his voice shaking. "I'm not like you, Ellie."

He looked back up at Ellie and Dina before shaking his head again and quietly skulking from the room.

Turning back to Dina, Ellie held her hand more tightly than she ever had. Reaching over she brushed the lock of sweaty black hair from her face. She had never seen something that had broken her heart more than this. 

She regretted it all.

All the petty bullshit, she wanted to take it all back. To go back and bundle Dina up in her arms the moment this started and tell her no more fighting. No more being apart.

"I love you, Dina..." she whispered, stroking the woman's cheek with her thumb. "You deserve better than that." her voice broke and she had to take a moment to compose herself before she continued. "I promise I won't let anything bad happen to you... I promise I'll be back. I just need you to hang on until then. Can you do that for me?"

Dina only lay there, a small groan escaping her lips as her eyes clenched shut tighter clearly riding a wave of pain.

She stood, Koby gave a gentle whine and she looked down at the dog for a moment, making an important decision. She could use him but she needed him here more.

She patted the end of the bed by Dina's feet and the dog jumped up. 

"Stay." she whispered, running her fingers through his coat. "Protect her, please."

He gave a small bark and curled up protectively near her side.

Ellie took Dina's hand and placed a kiss to the back of it before placing it in the thick fur of Koby's coat, watching as she grabbed the fur tightly between her fingers. She knew Koby wouldn't mind giving her something to hold on to.

Ellie leaned down again, placing one more slow lingering kiss to Dina's forehead, tasting the sweat on her lips and knowing she couldn't linger any longer. "I have to go but I'll be back soon, I promise. Just hold on, please..."

* * *

Ellie ran back to her house, grabbing only Joel's old coat and her backpack. Placing it on her desk, she emptied it of all the things that were just taking up room. She wanted all the space she could get so she couldn't bring back everything that Jane needed. She would grab whatever else she could while she was there. 

She stuffed her pistol in the back of her pants, her knife in her pocket, and threw the sling of her rifle over her shoulder.

She couldn't sit there and do nothing, sit there and wait for the bad news. She couldn't be like Jack.

She paused briefly, running her hands over her face before bringing her fingers to cup her nose and mouth, breathing heavily into them everything hitting her at once just now.

She wanted to believe that Dina would pull through without her, but she knew this world was cruel to the sick and weak and would take her without hesitation. She knew that Dina didn't really have a chance without her.

Regardless, there was no way she could sit in that place and wait for that to happen. Even if Dina died, she couldn't live with herself if she didn't try to save her.

Ellie shook her head, turning to pace back and forth.

She dropped her hand, clutching at her chest, panic beginning to take over her body as the weight of the entire situation dawned on her.

If she died, Dina died.

Taking a deep breath, she took a seat on the edge of her bed and closed her eyes, clasping her hand to her chest and breathing in the way Dina had taught her to calm herself.

When her breathing slowed enough, she leaned forward, sliding her trembling hands over her face and through her hair, tangling her fingers through the mess of it and tugging it hard. 

She could feel the moistness in her eyes as she brought her hands back over her face, rubbing at the now wet skin. The tears came easier now and she wasn't sure if it was because Dina was sick or if it was because she didn't know what to do.

Could she really do this?

Could she go out there and find what she needed to find? It had just dawned on her that had she had no clue where to find any of it. Everything had been picked dry a long time ago. If there was any medicine close by they would have found it already and it would be in Jackson.

She hadn't even left and she had already let Dina down again.

She took a deep breath, momentarily forgetting to breathe and needing more air in her lungs. She gulped hard, fighting against the tears that were still clouding her vision and gave one final rub at her eyes. 

She didn't have time to think about it any longer. She just had to get it done, no matter the cost.

As she rose to leave, she slung her backpack over her shoulder, cringing at the metaphorical weight of it all. 

As she started for the door Tommy met her there and turned to follow her as she walked straight passed him, ignoring his protests.  
"Where can I go to get what she needs?" she asked her tone even and soft.

"What are you doing, kiddo?" he asked, trying to keep pace with her.

"Someone has to go, Tommy." she shook her head, her mind made up and no amount of talking would change it.

"It's too dangerous, we can't even get passed the infected on the gates. There's too many out there. It's a fucking suicide mission." he said sternly, placing a hand on her shoulder to slow her.

"I have to fucking try!" Ellie shrugged him off with a growl.

"Ellie, she wouldn't want this." Tommy murmured, trying to reason with her. "We can't lose you too."

"You just want me to sit there and wait while she gets worse? Watch her fucking die, Tommy? I can't do that again. I can't survive that again." Ellie shook his hand from her shoulder, only quickening her pace. "I can't watch her slip away... She'd do the same for me, Tommy."

She didn't entirely believe that sentence herself these days, but she had to hold on to something to keep her going.

"You can't just run off without a plan, Ellie! Just where do you think you're going?" he shouted at her. "You can't always play the hero."

"Where do I need to go?" she finally asked still hearing his foot steps behind her, uninterested in his attempts to get her to stop.

"Where do I need to go?" she finally asked, still hearing his footsteps behind her.

"Ellie, it's too dangerous. I can't send you to your death..." he shook his head, slowly beginning to concede to the fact that Ellie wasn't going to listen to him.

"Tommy, I can either go out there with a fucking plan and come back or go out there blind and die. What would you prefer?" she stopped and turned around to meet his eye. "Do you want to lose two of us?"

He sighed, admitting defeat. "I think I know a place... Let me go get my map."

"Here." Tommy confirmed pointing to a spot on the map roughly 2 days ride from Jackson. "There's a hospital roughly 120 miles from here that we've never gone in. Joel and I had passed it a few times. Now, the top has been picked clean but lower down... I'm sure no one has ever been."

"Why not?" she asked, studying the map that had been laid across the table, trying her best to commit it to memory as she checked and reloaded all of her weapons.

"It was like a ground zero for the first infected... Like all the other hospitals, when they caught wind of what the virus was they eventually just wheeled the sick down there and sealed it up. When... When all the staff were killed by the patients they tried to save, they just gave up on it. No one's been down there since." he shook his head, remembering the terror of the day that all this started.  
Ellie nodded, folding up the map and stuffing it into her backpack.

"We don't know what's down there, Ellie. These were the first infected. You've seen what's happened to bloaters... they haven't nearly been around as long as the folks down there would have been." he looked up and studied Ellie, wishing that it hadn't come to this.

"What if there is no one down there?" she asked back, trying to calm his nerves and ease her own.

Tommy shook his head and looked her sternly in the eye. "I've heard them. It's the most unsettling thing that I've ever heard, Ellie. It still gives me the creeps to think about now."

"I'm not scared." Ellie mumbled.

"That's what I'm afraid of, Ellie. You should be." he frowned, looking down to the dirt. "If something happened to you, I couldn't forgive myself... Joel would..." he paused.

"Tommy..." Ellie began only to be cut off.

"No, Ellie. You're my family now." he frowned, taking a step towards her. "I already almost lost you once due to my own ignorance, I can't do that again. I would never forgive myself..."

Ellie raised her hand to shush him. "I'll come back, Tommy. I have to. If I don't..." she sighed, not even being able to speak the words. "Dina needs me. JJ can't lose his mum."

Tommy opened his mouth to argue but instead only closed it and nodded. "I can't go with you, Ellie."

Ellie smiled in an attempt to continue to soothe his fears. "You think I'd let a cripple like you slow me down?"

"No one else will risk their lives to go with you either," he added, folding his arms across his chest, doing his best to get his point across. "Maria wouldn't let them either. I'm not sure she would let you go if she knew..."

"They'd just slow me down." she retorted. "And you can handle Maria for me. Tell her I'm sorry... I was trying to be good. Trying to follow her rules."

To Ellie's surprise, Tommy stepped into her and pulled her into a steady hug. It was big, warm, and extremely tight. She closed her eyes, enjoying the embrace. It reminded her of Joel's hugs.

"You come back, you hear? Dina would kill me if anything happened to you. And if she didn't do the job, Maria would." his voice broke, betraying his feelings and he rested his cheek on the top of her head.

After a few moments, Ellie pushed away. "Get off, you sap." 

She wasn't sure she could take that any longer without breaking down.

Tommy rested his hand on Ellie's shoulder. "You're a better person than me, than all of the bastards in this town. I know you would do this for every single one of them... not just because it's Dina. Maria will understand that."

Ellie turned away, sure she could cry at that moment if she didn't remove herself. Stepping over to the paddock her eyes settled on Callus. "Do you think... do you think I could take him?"

The big grey horse snorted as he burnt under eyes gaze, slowly trotting his way over to her.

"I think he would be the best horse for the job. Joel was lucky to find him and he'll be lucky to have you." he smiled, his eyes studying Ellie and how much she had grown in the last couple of months.

"Ellie..." a soft voice spoke from behind her.

Ellie glanced over her shoulder towards the voice confusion flooding her face. "Cat, what are you doing?"

The older girl came to a stop and studied Ellie as she stared back at her with determination.

"You're going?" she frowned, scrunching her nose already knowing the answer to the question but needing the confirmation.

"There's no one else, Cat," Ellie replied, shaking her head. "And before you ask, no you can't come with," she added, trying to make light of the situation.

She knew what was coming but that didn't mean she was ready for it. Cat could be her biggest fan or her harshest critic. She wasn't sure which one she was going to get tonight.

"She's hurt you so much. Why are you risking your life for this?" she asked softly, her voice barely above a whisper as she tilted her head to the side.

"It's not about that anymore." Ellie replied, shaking her head and staring into her eyes, willing for her to understand.

"This is the hill you're willing to die on?" she whispered as she looked down, her heart heavy.

Ellie nodded. 

It was.

Ellie froze as Cat leaped forward and tightly wrapped her arms around her neck, feeling her sob gently against her body. Her face softened and her body relaxed as she placed her arms around Cat's waist, pulling her close. 

"You know why I have to go, don't you?" Ellie mumbled against her shoulder.

"If you die out there, I'll never forgive you, Ellie." she spoke unevenly between sobs.

"I know."

"And I won't visit your grave." she added.

"I know." Ellie said again allowing her to speak.

"And... and I won't even let you haunt me. I'll pretend you don't exist." she frowned childishly.

"Cat..." Ellie afforded her a small reassuring laugh. "I'll come back. I have to."

The smaller girl stepped away enough to press her cheek to Ellie's for a long moment before turning and pressing her lips to it in a slow kiss allowing the feeling to linger before stepping completely away from her.

Ellie brought her hand to her cheek and tilted her head a little. "I have to go."

Cat swallowed the lump in her throat, not entirely sure she believed Ellie when she said she would come back but she nodded anyway. "I'll see you when you get back."

With Callus saddled up, Ellie placed her foot in the stirrups and stepped up, throwing her leg over the other side to settle in the saddle. She was a little higher off the ground than she would have been with one of the stables standard horses, but Callus wasn't just one of the regular quarter horses, he was a thoroughbred and as such was many hands higher than the others.

He moved his feet uncertainly on the spot and snorted. Ellie gently patted the side of his neck. It had been a long time since he had been ridden and Ellie kicked herself for ignoring him up to this point. 

Joel had loved this horse and Ellie had loved this horse. More so Ellie had loved the way Joel loved the horse. She just wasn't ready to continue loving something he had, not when she wasn't even able to love herself.

She was working on getting better at that though.

"Easy boy." she muttered, following through with a pat on his head.

"Alright Ellie, they're going to cause a distraction down the other end of the town, we'll open the gates just enough to let you through and that's your cue to go." Tommy nodded at her.

She nodded back in acknowledgment, her throat feeling drier than it ever had. "Please, look after her Tommy."

He gave a small smile before reaching up and giving her leg a reassuring squeeze. "I promise. You just stay safe out there."

There was a loud bang. "HEY, OVER HERE."

The groans, screeches, and clicks of the infected began to move until they were nothing but a distant memory. The screaming continued, luring them further and further away, the sounds of gunshots accompanying the noise.

Ellie turned her head and her eyes met Tommy's as she waited for the gate to open.

"We'll do our best to keep the wall cleared. Just make it back in one piece." he pleaded.

Ellie nodded. "Just take care of her, Tommy."

He nodded first. "GO!" he yelled when the gate ground to a halt. He slapped the back of Callus hard.

Ellie jolted forward, leaning down close to Callus' body and holding his reins so tight her knuckles turned white. She dug her heels hard into his side, spurring him to go faster into the night. 

It wasn't long until Tommy could no longer make out the shape of the two any longer. Looking down, he kicked at the dirt. He had faith in Ellie but he wasn't sure he had the same faith Ellie did in returning safely.


	21. Chapter 21

One full day had passed since Ellie had left the safe walls of Jackson to head to her certain death. Tommy had waited in the tower all night and throughout the day until he was made to have a break, until he was unable to stand anymore. 

He was tired, but Maria understood. 

He sat down and had a meal with her. They ate in silence. They ran this town together and now two lives were on the line so Maria grieved with him.

She reached out and placed her hand over the top of his, gently caressing his skin with her thumb and the bile that was rising in Tommy's throat went back down.

Jackson wasn't the same since she had left. Everything was quiet, eery. There was an unspoken understanding that if Ellie perished so would Dina and no one from the town dare speak about it for fear that anything they said might come true.

Tommy's leg ached more than it had since it had happened but he still made the effort to visit anyone close to the two girls to make sure they were doing all right.

What else could he do?

Robin and Gray were understandably upset, but JJ helped to take their mind off it if only for a moment. They shared the picture Ellie had drawn of their son with Tommy, they hadn't had the chance to thank her yet.

Tommy limped into the clinic, watching the forlorn faces of the staff as they busied themselves with menial tasks and disinfected their equipment and room ready for the hopeful return of Ellie.

Tommy pulled the curtain to Dina's bed back. His sad eyes falling on the fragile girl in bed. Sitting down in the chair beside her, he watched her carefully. Studying every pained movement, listening to every ragged, shallow breath. He would make sure she made it. 

Koby rested his head on his paw, keeping a careful watch on him.

"Easy boy," Tommy whispered, meeting his gaze before offering him a soft pat. "You're doing a good job."

He sat back and rubbed at the stubble on his chin.

He and Dina hadn't always seen eye to eye, no statement had been more correct than that. But he had a deep respect for her and a mutual understanding of shared pain. They had both lost something in Seattle.

But they had made their peace.

Tommy closed his eyes, remembering the moment clearly. He would never let himself forget.

_He couldn't swallow the lump in his throat as he limped up to her steps to her door. Two months had passed since Dina had returned to Jackson. Three months had passed since Ellie had left them alone on that farm._

_He was mad at Ellie for doing that, but he wasn't sure what else he had expected. He had asked her to go and she couldn't take him along with her._

_He felt the deep burning of regret in his gut and it wouldn't settle, he had made himself sick over the fact every night since he had found out she had left._

_He raised his fist, letting it hover by the door before he sighed and finally knocked._

_No amount of waiting would make this conversation any easier. It had been long enough._

_It took a moment before the door opened, revealing a tired Dina. Eyes red and body thin._

_Tommy felt the guilt burn harshly in his chest as she stared at him like he was nothing to her._

_"Sorry, it's late... C-can I come in?" he finally asked, gesturing with his hand towards the house._

_"I suppose," Dina replied, stepping to the side to allow him in before closing the door. "Would you like something to drink, you look like shit."_

_Tommy smiled at that and looked down. "Thanks."_

_"Take a seat."_

_He dragged his bad leg over to the table and took a seat where Dina had motioned. He watched as Dina pulled a bottle from the cupboard and poured him a drink before pouring her own. He wasn't sure if the time that this afforded him to think made what he had to say any easier or not._

_Maybe it had just made it worse._

_He smiled politely as Dina placed the drink in front of him before he took it in his rough hands and took a sip, again trying to swallow the lump of shame._

_"How are you settling back in?" he asked, his eyes not being able to settle on hers._

_"Fine," she replied curtly. "Everyone has been very accommodating. Jesse's parents... have been really good with JJ."_

_"That's good." he nodded slowly. "If there is anything else we can do for you, you let us know, alright?"_

_"Alright, Tommy." she sighed, bringing her own drink to her lips._

_They both sat in a silence that was somewhat comforting. They were both hurting._

_"Are you sleeping okay?" he finally managed to choke out._

_"What do you think, Tommy?" she replied calmly._

_"Yeah, me neither." he said gruffly, sniffling a little and wiping his nose with the back of his arm._

_He glanced up as Dina raised her hand to her forehead, closing her eyes and rubbing at her temple._

_"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what happened... I know you told me to stay away..." His eyes finally met hers when she looked back up at him, showing him eyes that were haunted._

_"Tommy." she warned, her voice stern and harsh._

_Tommy held up his hand to stop her. "I know you don't want to hear it and I know it won't make her come back, but I just needed you to know."_

_Dina opened her mouth to argue but instead sighed, again bringing her glass to her lips and downing the rest of her drink before standing and grabbing the bottle, bringing it back to the table and pouring a new one._

_"That doesn't change anything, Tommy. It won't bring her back."_

_Tommy followed suit and finished his drink, holding his glass out for Dina to refill. "I know it won't..." he finally spoke. "I know it won't bring her back but I don't want you to feel like you're alone here. I messed up and that's on me. I don't want you to blame yourself for what happened."_

_"But it is my fault, Tommy." Dina shook her head. "I thought I could fix her. I saw what was happening to her, she was falling apart... I thought I could be enough, that JJ would be enough to hold her together but it was never truly enough."_

_Tommy sighed and looked down at his hand on his lap, closing his fist so tightly that his nails dug into his palm. "Nothing could have stopped her going, Dina. She's just as stubborn as Joel was. Once her mind was made up, no one could have talked her out of it."_

_"You put that idea in her head, Tommy." Dina spat back. "We were happy enough." she spoke softly as if trying to convince herself of that fact._

_Tommy furrowed his brow. "You don't have to tell me that twice, Dina. I knew she was hurting. I was hurting too. We both loved Joel... I thought that if she just ended it then that would be it, we would both feel better. I know now that that was a stupid idea."_

_Dina hit her palm hard against the table, both glasses jumping at the contact and spilling their contents. "You fucking took her away from me, Tommy. You can't just come here with your pity party and hope that I'll forgive you. She's fucking gone, chasing something that might not even be there. Probably fucking dead and we'll never know. I'll never fucking know what happened to her. I can't live with that, Tommy. I don't think you can live with yourself either."_

_Tommy nodded. "Alright, I deserve that."_

_"For fucks sake, Tommy. Fucking stop it." Dina growled in frustration._

_"I'm sorry." he mumbled back._

_Dina sighed and gave a small shake of her head, resting her sore hand on the table. "She would have gone eventually anyway, being sorry or wanting to take back what happened wouldn't change that. She still hadn't dealt with Joel's death, wouldn't even talk about him, couldn't even draw him."_

_"I should have been there for her."_

_"Tommy, she had people there for her. She wouldn't talk to any of us. I couldn't even get her to fucking open up to me. We were happy but we weren't complete. We couldn't heal because she wouldn't let us. It was always one step forward, two steps back with her. She knew what she was doing, she couldn't let it go." Dina paused, studying the broken man before her. "I loved her, Tommy."_  


_Tommy took another sip of his drink, looking up to meet Dina's eye. "I know you did."_

_"She wouldn't want you to be like this." Dina replied, tilting her head to the side._

_"Yeah, I know." he mumbled looking down, feeling the pressure building behind his eyes._

_"Maria?" she asked with an arched brow._

_He only shook his head. "She doesn't want anything to do with me. Not after what I've done. I don't much want to make her unhappy by hanging around her either."_

_Dina scoffed. "She loves you, Tommy. She's so hard on you because she loves you. If you want to make it up to me, you need to make it up to her."_

_Tommy sniffed, bringing his fingers to the bridge of his nose. "I don't deserve you being nice to me, Dina."_

_"No, you don't." she spoke softly as she stood from her chair and walked over to the broken man at her table, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Ellie didn't heal but you still can, Tommy. Don't throw it all away again because of guilt. Maria deserves better than that so you need to be better than that."_

_"What about you?" Tommy asked, looking up to meet Dina's even gaze as the tears fell from his eyes._

_She gave a soft smile in return and a reassuring squeeze to his shoulder. "I don't hate you, Tommy. I don't forgive you for what happened, but I think I can try to as long as you don't make the same mistakes."_

"Hey..."

Tommy snapped out of his daze, blinking his dry eyes as he looked up to the man that had stepped into the room.

"Jack." he nodded, turning his attention back to Dina. 

Back to the girl that Ellie loved.

"How is she doing?" he asked indecisively, struggling to decide whether to stay or leave.

"No better." he replied, his voice monotone.

Tommy didn't hate Jack. 

Jack had been more than capable during his time in Jackson. He had stepped up when Tommy needed him, he had worked hard to protect those he went out on patrol with and for that Tommy was thankful to have him around. He didn't think there was a single person in Jackson who would say a bad word about the young man, save for Ellie.

But now Tommy could see his character for what it truly was.

He still couldn't hate him for what he did, or his lack of motivation to protect those closest to him. Tommy knew that there were many people that wouldn't have been able to step out of that gate to do what needed to be done but he still couldn't help the familiar heat rising in his chest when he saw him. 

"Oh." Jack looked down. "I was hoping she would be strong enough to pull through on her own." he mumbled weakly, holding his hands shamefully behind his back as he looked down.

"You let her go on her own." Tommy stated flatly not even bothering to look at him, he didn't deserve that.

"Tommy, I..." he shook his head, taking a step further towards the door. 

"You left when she needed you the most. When Ellie stepped up, you ran away. You're a coward." he finally turned to look at him, eyes burning with anger.

"It's a suicide mission, Tommy." he began shaking his head. "You know that..."

"You better hope for your sake she comes back."


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kind comments! They mean so much to me to read and make me want to keep getting these updates up to you as fast as I can. I'm glad you're all enjoying this story as much as I'm enjoying writing it.

Ellie had never ridden so fast before in her life. 

The cold wind was rough and felt like whips against her exposed skin. The pained groans of the infected flooded her mind and she knew they were hot on her tail but she had to keep going. Callus could outrun them all, she was sure of it, and if not she would.   
She continued to push him, further and further. She knew it wasn't fair but she whispered promises to him that if he just got her there, she would give him all the treats he wanted.

When Callus began to slow, Ellie jumped off and jogged with him, giving him enough time to regain some stamina before she jumped on him and they got going again.

Every bit of water and food she had she gave to him.

She had to push the fear from her mind, feeling it consume her if she allowed her mind to linger for one second too long. She couldn't think about Dina sick in that hospital bed, it just wasn't her.

She needed to remember her being the same confident, flirty girl she had known since she arrived in Jackson. The same girl that would light up any room, make light of any situation no matter how dire. 

"You go, I go. End of story."

The words echoed relentlessly in her head, reverberating the harsh message through her entire being.

Ellie would go to the end of the earth for Dina. With Dina. She was only able to exist so peacefully in Jackson because she knew that Dina was okay. She didn't have that same peace now that she wasn't.

She could feel herself falling apart at the seams, her body desperate to keep everything intact but she could feel herself splitting. Her skin burnt in ways she didn't know was possible and in some ways, she welcomed the discomfort. Sometimes it distracted her enough to ruin her constant train of thought for a while.

They wasted so much time being petty and childish, Ellie just wished she could take it all back. All the times she bit back when she should have just walked away.

She knew Dina wouldn't have accepted it though. Dina needed her to push back and challenge her as much as she needed to do it herself. 

Shaking her head clear, she pushed forward. She couldn't change anything now.

It had taken a day and a half but she arrived.

She urged a nervous Callus on towards the derelict building. It wasn't massive by hospital standards but it was seizable enough that it should have stocked all the items she needed. She could tell immediately that the military had had some kind of presence here, probably before it all had gone to shit she thought. Only a couple of military trucks remained and the remnants of the fence they had built around it to try to contain the dead inside, the parking lot within the walls lined with plastic body bags. Some disturbed, some not.

It was silent. 

Too silent for Ellie to feel comfortable. The only sound was that of the horse's hoofs on the overgrown asphalt. As she neared the fence she began to look for ways she could begin to scale it. One of the trucks had been backed up against it. It was high but she would be able to manage the jump down okay. As for getting out, she would figure that out when it came to it. 

Sliding off Callus she gave him a gentle pat on the head, leaning down to kiss his nose and whispering her thanks. She would have to leave him here and hope to god he understood that he needed to remain safe but also needed to return when she needed him. She was certain he would.

Scampering up the hood of the truck, Ellie slid over the roof and lowered herself down to the ground with a thud, chancing one last look at Callus who had just begun grazing on the fresh grass.

"Alright." she whispered to herself in a vain attempt to calm her nerves and settle the uneasy feeling that had begun to rise in her gut.

She took note of the brick building. For its age it had held up remarkably well but it still had its faults and she knew that more than likely it wasn't going to be stable. She needed to be careful. 

Slowly she stalked the grounds, stepping up to the big double doors and gave them a shove. To her surprise, there was little resistance as it crept open.

It wasn't pitch black but it was dark. The foyer while clearly ransacked was relatively tidy. While there appeared to be nothing around she knew she needed to be cautious but she just couldn't afford the time. She jogged over to the welcome board that had directions for the different areas of the hospital and switched on her flashlight to figure out her location and her destination.

She briefly thought about searching the upper levels first but knew that while safe, would be a waste of time.

"I'm here..." she mumbled under her breath trying her best to make a mental note of the layout. "I need to get here...B2. Basement?"  
She glanced around before confirming to herself that that had to be correct.

Stalking down the halls she allowed herself to listen as much as she could while searching the walls for any sign of a way down to where she needed to be. She gave a small smirk when she found a door with a stairs sign planted beside it. Ground-level to Basement. 

"Too easy." Ellie breathed, placing her hand to the door.

Ellie stopped, pausing as she heard a low, guttural scream. Her attention turned to the end of the hall where in the pale light she could just barely make out some shuffling shadows. She briefly closed her eyes allowing herself to listen. It was more than one. A lot more by the sounds of the feet dragging on the linoleum floor.

She had seen this before. When the infected grouped up together and moved as a unit. 

She knew it had been too easy.

How many? She didn't know and she wasn't interested in finding out. Pulling the door with little more than a rusty creak she stepped inside and shut it behind her. 

She exhaled deeply unsure when she had even begun holding her breath. Shining her flashlight down the steps before her she tried to gauge just how she was going to get through. It was pitch black down here but luckily her torch gave her enough light to see a decent amount in front of her. 

She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and began to move. Each of her steps echoing in the utter emptiness that entrapped her. She tried to move quieter but it was impossible. It was just too silent.

Eventually, she reached another door. Shining the light on the plaque she read the B clearly lettered. She looked at the mess blocking the stairwell and stopping her progress of going down any further that way.

"Of fucking course." she groaned, talking to herself for comfort. "Don't let it be too easy."

She would have to find another way.

Her heart thumped in her chest and soon it was the only thing she could hear in her ears. She took a moment to collect her thoughts before she pushed through the door giving it a helping hand to close quietly behind her.

She looked around. Left then right down the long halls. The air was thick and full of spores here. Infected goop coating the walls like a nasty infection. Reaching into her pocket she pulled out her switchblade, gripping it tightly in her hand. She felt a lot more at ease with it there and she knew she wouldn't be able to fire her gun here. If anything came at her it was really her only defense.  
Using her free hand she pulled out the paper Jane had given her with a list of medication and equipment that they would need to try and help Dina and she studied it, committing it to memory before stuffing it back in the jacket.

Ellie went left first, her heart seeming to race more with every cautious step she took forward. She needed to take it slow, but she also needed to get back as soon as possible. It was a careful balance she wasn't sure she would be able to reach the middle ground.

Was she scared?

She shook her head. For the first time in a long time, she entertained the idea that she was. Why? Because someone's life depended on her coming back. That Dina's life depended on her returning. She wouldn't be able to forgive herself is she failed or she made it back too late.

She shook her head again. She couldn't afford to think like that. Not here.

She paused in her tracks, seeing the first infected she had seen so far. It stood still, silent, waiting in the corner. She had never seen one so quiet. She wasn't sure whether or not it was a Clicker but the amount of fungus that coated its body was grotesque, thick, and rough like plated armor. She had only seen that amount of mutilation on Bloaters and Shamblers but this was more human than that.   
She watched it for a moment and when she was certain it wasn't going to move she began to move forward again. As she neared the corner and peered around she saw more. Dozens littering the hallway, all standing stationery like the first she saw.

She wouldn't be able to take them all, nor take them one at a time before alerting the others. Backing away slowly she moved to the other side of the hallway and was met with the same sight.

"Fuck." she muttered so quietly she wasn't even sure the words left her lips.

Looking down, she clenched her fist at her side and considered her options. She had to press forward. She could double back and find another way, but there were still infected on the upper level and she didn't have time to waste finding alternate routes.

There was no other way.

Picking up a piece of broken tile on the ground she hefted it in her hand. She pulled a face before nodding her head, reassuring herself that this was the only way she was going to be able to get around down here. 

Ellie again moved to the end of the hall but this time as she peered around, she took aim and heaved the brick as far as she could towards the end of the corridor. The chorus of screeches that broke loose was deafening and made her dizzy. It had worked though, every single one of them had followed it. She wondered when the last time was that they had had any movement down here.

She pushed forward down the walls of the hospital, mindful that any second they could all come back. She continued to look for what she was looking for. She needed the medication room. Slipping into the first room she ransacked what she could find. There wasn't a lot, a bottle of pills that she had no idea what they did but she took them anyway and some gauze. She packed them away in her backpack before slipping back out of the room.

She did the same with the next one and the one opposite that. 

Tommy was right, this place had been untouched so she was certain she could find what she needed to here. She just needed to get to the right place.

She found another stairwell and saw the arrow pointing down to B2. That's where she needed to be. But as she stalked across the floor close to the wall towards the door there was a growl and a rush of feet towards her.

Freezing she glanced over, seeing one of the grotesque beings flying towards her. She caught it in her hands just in time and fell back, flinging it over her. She only had a moment to process what had just happened before more were beginning to descend on her. Getting up she scrambled towards the door as if her life depended on it. 

Her life did depend on it.

Sudden she fell, her cheek hitting hard against the cold floor, followed by her head as the infected that had charged her wrapped it's rough hands around her ankle, slicing the flesh with the sharp plates that coated it's body and dragging her back towards him. If it hadn't been for the searing pain, she was sure she would have passed out from the knock to the head.

Ellie clenched her teeth, taking everything in her not to cry out in pain. She rolled on to her back and she kicked it in the face. 

Nothing. 

She kicked harder, again and again with more urgency until it let her go and she again scrambled to her feet. Reaching the door she flung it open before pulling it tightly behind her. In a panic, she picked up the first item she found and slipped it between the door handle and the wall with just enough time to feel the infected throw themselves at the wood.

Her breathing was hard and erratic. She slipped her back down against the wall and pulled her knees to her chest trying her best to get the panic attack that was gripping her under control.

Resting her forehead against her knee she closed her eyes tight and she clutched at her chest, begging for the screaming of the infected to stop, realizing just how alone she was down here.

There wasn't a single thing she could think about to calm her nerves but she still persisted.

She thought back to Dina at home. How in pain she looked and she thought back to how sick she had been on their trip to Seattle. She would have done anything for her back then and she would do anything for her now. She hadn't had the chance to show her that but she hoped to hell that Dina would just hold on a little longer so she could show her.

She thought of JJ and the first moment she had seen him, how innocent and fragile, how insignificant everything had been before that moment.

_Ellie paced the hall nervously, every length had her eyes darting to the clock. She couldn't exactly recall how long she had been waiting but she was sure it had felt like an eternity._

_"Sit down, would you? You're going to ruin my floor." Maria smirked, sitting back in her chair and folding her arms across her chest._  
_Ellie shrugged apologetically and fell down in the seat beside her, resting her elbows on her thighs and fiddling with her hands._

_She had wanted to go in there with Dina, hold her hand through the whole thing, kiss her and promise her that everything was going to be okay. She was ready to fight them for it but there simply was not enough room for her to be present along with everyone else. She would have argued but Dina had given her a gentle squeeze of her hand and promised her she would be okay._

_"Ellie." she spoke, her voice calm as she laid a hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Don't be so nervous. It'll happen when it happens."_

_The auburn woman gave a nervous laugh in response. "I'm not."_

_She felt the easiness of Maria's smile and the butterflies in her stomach dissipated, but only for a second before they were back in full motion making her feel sick._

_"But what if..." Ellie began._

_"She'll be doing fine, Ellie. It takes time."_

_"Yeah, but..."_

_"Ellie." Maria gave her shoulder another squeeze. "Relax."_

_Ellie sighed and she wasn't sure if she had ever sighed harder in her life. "But what if I'm not good at it."_

_"Good at what?" Maria asked, sitting forward in her chair and turning her head to watch the younger girl._

_"This." Ellie motioned to the doors that held Dina behind them. "Being a parent."_

_Maria tilted her head to the side in understanding._

_"I never had parents..." she shook her head. "Joel was all I had and he's not here to show me how to do it. I couldn't even protect him."_

_"Oh, Ellie." Maria smiled kindly at her, moving her hand to rest on her knee. "You don't have to have parents to be a good parent. Once you see that baby you'll know what to do. It won't always be easy and you won't always do the right thing but you'll always do what you think is best. I know you'll protect that baby with everything you have."_

_"I wish Joel were here for this." she mumbled, dropping her head lower._

_"Joel would have been so proud of you, Ellie. I hope you know that." she smiled, her eyes crinkling in the corners. "He wasn't always good at showing it and he sure as hell wasn't any better at saying it, but the way he looked at you... you were the light of his life. If you look at this kid half the way he looked at you, that kid is going to grow up knowing how loved it is."_

_"Do you think I'll be good at it... being a parent I mean?" she asked, turning her face to Maria._

_"I do. Once you hold that child everything will just feel right. You just keep it together for them, for Dina and you'll be just fine."_

_"Yeah... Yeah, of course, I will." she nodded slowly. "But like... How?"_

_Maria gave a hearty laugh. "I thought you weren't nervous?"_

_"I'm n-not" Ellie stammered._

_"Ellie."_

_Ellie's attention snapped up to the doctor that had peered through the doors, watching his bright smile and instantly knowing that it was good news. Still, it did nothing to ease the queasy feeling in her gut, only making it worse._

_"Dina has asked for you to come through." Jane beamed._

_Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat and quickly stood to her feet before turning back to Maria who gave her a reassuring nod. She returned the gesture before stumbling forward, her feet feeling heavy with every step like this was a dream._

_Obviously Dina was always going to give birth, they had both known it was always coming but it had seemed to creep up on Ellie. She felt like she didn't have enough time to prepare, didn't have enough time to learn how to be the parent their baby would need._

_She believed Maria when she said that she would learn fast, but that didn't make the task any less daunting._

_Ellie knew that Dina would be a fantastic mother, she just had that quality about her. Dina was light and she was jovial and she would find the best in every situation. Ellie was none of those things._

_She never doubted Dina for a second but she doubted herself every moment. The only thing that kept her going was that Dina never doubted her. Dina always had the words of encouragement she needed, had the touch that would pull her out of whatever hole she had found herself in._

_Ellie didn't believe in herself but for Dina, she would._

_Her mouth felt dry as she approached the end of Dina's bed, her eyes settling on the smaller girl and at that moment she wasn't sure whether Dina had ever looked more beautiful. Her hair was damp and clung to her face, framing it with a halo of sweat. Dine looked up to meet her scared eyes and gave her a tired, happy smile._

_That almost broke her._

_And then she saw the bundle of blankets shift in her girlfriend's arms._

_"Would you like to meet your son?"_

_That broke her._

_"My son?" she mumbled weakly, her voice breaking._

_"Mhmm." Dina hummed lovingly._

_She swallowed the new lump in her throat and tentatively stepped up to Dina's side watching her face for reassurance. She looked down as Dina rearranged the baby in her arms, reaching up to move the blanket from his face to show it to Ellie._

_Maria had been right, Ellie knew the second she saw him that she would do anything for him._

_That he would be the most important thing in her life and she wouldn't let a single bad thing happen to him or Dina. This was her family and she would do anything to keep them happy and healthy. She would learn to be the parent that he needed and the partner that Dina would need to raise him into a strong man._

_"Do you want to hold him?" Dina asked, smiling up at her, her face moist with perspiration._

_"Me?" Ellie fumbled, her eyes wide._

_"Who else?" Dina laughed, moving a little to lift the baby towards Ellie._

_"Are you sure?" she replied with a small shake of her head. "I'm not sure how..."_

_Dina reached out and grabbed at her hand with her free one, giving it a tight squeeze. "Hold out your arms." she requested and waited for Ellie to do so. "Here." she whispered, lifting him towards her. "He's heavy."_

_Ellie wrapped her arms around him, carefully cradling his neck against her arm as if he were the most fragile thing in the world. He wasn't heavy, in fact, Ellie wasn't certain she had ever held anything lighter. She studied him carefully as he twitched, scared that she was going to hurt him. She could feel the tears begin to well behind her eyes as he settled back down into a restless sleep and she wanted to speak to him, promise him that she would give him the world._

_She looked up when she felt Dina's soft hand on her arm and met her smile with one of her own._

_He was theirs._

_"Take a seat, babe." she spoke softly._

_Ellie did as she was told and sat down beside Dina's bed, holding the baby tightly to her chest. She wasn't sure how long she had sat there staring at the small boy but when she looked up Dina was fast asleep and she smiled. Smiled knowing Dina was safe and their baby was safe._

_She knew that she loved Dina but at that moment she knew that she would never be able to love anyone the way that she loved her. That nothing would compare to the love she felt for her and their son._

_She knew at that moment that this was her family. This was where she belonged and she would never throw it away._

When she opened her eyes again she wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there. She cursed herself, rising to her feet and dusting herself off. She shook her bleeding ankle, it wasn't broken and the blood had mainly dried. 

She allowed her mind to wonder how bad it would be on the next level if that's how bad it was on the one before but only briefly, there was no way she could talk herself out of continuing.

Ellie couldn't allow herself too long to ponder. What was the use? She couldn't go back. The only option she had was to go forward and hope that she would be able to get through it. 

She opened the stairwell door. She didn't think it was possible but this one was eerier than the last and when she stepped in she was immediately met with the same horrific infected from the floor above. Still and waiting in numbers that she couldn't even count how many. 

Looking down, she furrowed her brow. She wasn't sure how she was going to get through them, wondering if it was all truly in vain. She didn't want anyone back home to be right. She couldn't let Tommy be right and she sure as fuck couldn't let Jack be right.

Ellie finally looked up and as if her prayers had been answered she noticed a glass booth in front of her, the plaque on the door telling her that it was in fact the medication room. 

From what Ellie could tell it looked completely untouched. 

She stole a cautious step forward, the sound of her foot hitting the linoleum floor was enough for the closest infect to turn its head and sniff the air. This place hadn't been disturbed in over a decade, she would have been stupid to think her disturbance wouldn't have been noted.

She took another step forward, praying that that's all it was but she knew that thought was naive. The second her foot hit the floor a second turned. They were blind, Ellie knew that but she also knew that they would still know she was there. They were trapped down here so long that their hearing would be on point and she had never come across ones that had been so sensitive.

She paused for a moment before making the call, glancing between the hordes and the door in front of her. 

She had to go. 

Standing up straight she bounded for the door. It was only a few steps but by the time she took her third step the horde of infected already seemed to be upon her and she threw herself through the door, slamming it behind her and locking it before they managed to push through.

They banged and scratched at the glass.

"This is it." Ellie mumbled angrily, turning around and looking at them all as they surrounded her.

She had made it this far, made it passed all of them only to be trapped in a glass room with the infected breaking their way in. She was angry. Furious even that she couldn't do this one thing to save her family.

She had always said in tough situations that she would rather go by infecting than dealing with whatever was put in front of her but now she didn't know which she would prefer, to go being eaten alive or by her own hand. Reaching behind her she pulled the gun from her pants and held it in her hand. She cocked the trigger before holding it close to her chest and sliding down the door, each pounding from the infected rattling her core.

Closing her eyes she took a deep breath, the banging on the walls matching the thumping of her heart.

She tried, she really had. She hoped Dina would forgive her, that she would recover without her. She hoped that Dina would know that she really had tried for her and she hoped that JJ would forgive her for not being able to save them. For failing to protect them as she had always promised.

She closed her eyes, leaning her head back and felt a small sarcastic laugh escape her lips.

There was something cruel about the whole situation.

It was all here.

Ellie eventually lifted her tired body to her feet.

Looking around her eyes fell on all the medication that surrounded her. It was more than she had ever seen, even in the clinic at Jackson and they had spent years collecting that. 

Kneeling down she went through her backpack, taking out everything she truly didn't need so she could take as much it as she could. 

Looking at the crumpled bit of paper she grabbed everything on the list. She was thankful it was all here. Stuffing it back in her pocket she grabbed some of everything else too. She wasn't sure what they did but knew that if it was here then surely it had a good purpose. 

Once she had crammed as much as she possibly could into her pack she leaned back against the door, hugging her bag to her chest. If she couldn't get out of here, this would all be for nothing.

She slid back down against the door, holding the bag tightly.

At least if they found her body here they would know that she made it this far, that she had the medicine.

She wondered if this is what Joel felt before his death, knowing the inevitable was coming and not being able to do a damn thing to stop it.

She wondered if it was better that no one saw her death, being left to only assume that the worst had befallen her. After all, they had called it. They had warned her that she wouldn't make it back safely but that was the thing about Ellie, she didn't listen when anyone told her she couldn't do something. She just wasn't wired that way.

If anything, it just pushed her further to prove them wrong.

Sure, it had gotten her in trouble in her short life but it had also provided her with opportunities that she wouldn't have had if she hadn't pushed the boundaries.

Maybe if she made it back she would start listening to what people told her.

Maybe.

If Dina survived she wondered if she would forgive her for not coming back. Afterall she had promised Dina she wouldn't go anywhere yet she still bounded out the gate the second it opened, leaving her when she needed her there the most.

Ellie wasn't sure if she stayed that she would even have it in her to be able to sit by Dina's side. She couldn't watch someone else she loved die. Stand idly by while there was nothing she could do to change it. She wasn't the kind of person that could sit there and do nothing. That's probably why she was so quick to throw herself into danger.

Ellie shook her head, regardless she knew she never would have left Dina's side. 

As she sat there listening to the incessant pounding, the pain in her head increased and she allowed her eyes to feel heavy.  
If it was going to happen she just wished it would hurry up and happen.

She wasn't one for drawn-out deaths.

When her flashlight began to flicker she looked down and fiddled with it to switch it off, allowing the darkness to take her. Closing her eyes again Ellie's hand found the hamsa bracelet on her other wrist and she began circling it between her fingers, pausing and pressing her thumb to the trinket before continuing another loop. Again and again.

Could this be it? Was it really over now?

Sitting in the dark, she thought of all the things she would give up if it meant that she could see them just one more time.

Ellie didn't believe in god and she wasn't one to pray to something she didn't believe in but as the screaming continued she prayed that whatever happened would be swift as she prepared for the glass to shatter any moment.


	23. Chapter 23

It had been three days since Ellie had left Jackson.

Tommy knew it had been too early for her to return but he still found his mind wandering to every single scenario where she didn't return. He cursed himself for being too crippled to help and too pessimistic to consider everything else.

He wasn't sure what he would do if she didn't come back. He couldn't fall apart like he had when Joel died, but he couldn't go on pretending that everything was fine either. He wasn't sure what part would give first.

When he wasn't on the wall waiting, he was sitting with Dina, watching over her like he had promised Ellie.

She wasn't doing too well the last day and he wasn't sure how much longer she could hold on for. Dina was strong, she had always been strong but he wasn't sure how much more she could take. He didn't want to think about what would happen if Ellie returned and Dina had already passed.

He knew it wouldn't be good.

He picked up the cloth at her bedside and dunked it in the bowl of cool water beside it before reaching out and dabbing her forehead knowing that this wasn't right, that it should be Ellie here doing this not him. Her skin felt like it burnt his hand her fever was that bad. This wasn't good. 

The last day Koby had been restless. His eyes would meet Tommy's and he would cry. Soft whimpers that increased in length and Tommy wasn't sure if it was because he missed his owner or if he knew something about the fate of Ellie that they didn't or if it was just because Dina wasn't in good shape. No amount of coaxing would get him to move from her side. He wouldn't eat or drink and no matter what anyone did they couldn't shift him from his protective spot by her hand.

Tommy would sometimes watch him shift, nudging at Dina's hand with his nose and releasing the most heart-wrenching whine when she didn't respond.

Tommy took her small, clammy hand in his and held it firmly. He knew it wasn't enough, but hopefully, it was enough to make her hold on.

"I'm sorry." he whispered, studying her pained face. "This is all my fault."

There was silence as he shook his head, he hadn't expected her to reply but it would have been nice if she did. She hadn't been conscious for over a day now.

He had never been good with this kind of thing.

"If I hadn't come to you that day at the farm, she never would have left you. You..." he felt a small smile tug at the corner of his lips. "You really let me have it back then, didn't you? I never blamed you for that..." he trailed off, remembering how Dina had lost her temper at him and told him to never return. "You really cared about her. I really cared about her too, you know?"

Tommy sat back in the chair that had grown to accommodate his form thinking back to how selfish he had been back then. He hurt everyone around him and he was lucky that he had been forgiven by some. He and Dina had never had the same relationship after that day and when she returned they just stayed out of each other's way as much as possible until Tommy had opened the door for a new friendship. 

Dina had helped him more then he was sure she realized. If it hadn't been for her he was sure he would still be the drunken mess he had been squandering everything away. He knew for certain he never would have made up with Maria and that he wouldn't have forgiven Ellie for revenge she couldn't commit.

"I know you never really let me explain. I was really lost. I hadn't grieved properly. Hadn't said goodbye to... him properly yet. When you came back and told us she had gone, I still hadn't properly gotten over it. I still wanted her to do it... When she came back and she hadn't, I was so relieved."

He reached up with his free hand and wiped at a tear that had formed on the corner of his eye.

"I think we would have truly lost her if she had."

Dina stirred, shifting slightly in her bed, her brows permanently knotted from the internal pain she was battling and Tommy wished there was something he could do to take it away. 

"You're good for her, y'know? She's made some mistakes but she wouldn't be the person she is today without you. Kind, fiercely loyal... angry." he laughed. "Forgiving."

Dina had always brought the best out of her. When Ellie had arrived in Jackson it was her that got her out of her shell. When Ellie had tried to revert back to the life of seclusion she knew, Dina would be the one to pull her out of it. When Ellie got angry, Dina would be the one to calm her down and talk it through her. Would make her see how silly or stubborn she was being.

Had always been the one to offer her that smile she needed to get out of whatever darkness she had gotten herself in.

"I hope you know she really loved you... loves you. I don't think she's capable of ever stopping. I think you get one love like that in a lifetime. I hope you decide to forgive her one day like you forgave me. I know she can be a real pain in the ass but she always means well." he sighed, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. "She'll be home to you soon."

"Tommy." a familiar voice stated from the doorway.

"Jack." Tommy replied with an equal amount of contempt and uninterestedness. 

Even after a few days Tommy still didn't hate Jack, he had been a fine young man and was great on patrol. He disliked that position he had put himself in. He had no right to be here after he didn't even have the balls to go out and do what was needed. But it wasn't his place to say anything. He was after all, still Dina's boyfriend.

Tommy clenched his teeth hard, giving Dina's hand one final squeeze hoping she understood those last words he spoke to her before.

He shouldn't have, but he just couldn't help himself.

"Good day inside the safety of the walls?" he asked as he lifted himself from the seat and walked passed him.

"Tommy, that's not fair." he growled turning to face him.

"What's not fair is that Ellie is out there and you're here, safe and warm in your bed at night." he frowned, stepping up to him. "So do you still want to talk to me about what's not fair?"

Jack looked him hard in the eye before shaking his head and stepping back. "I care about Dina too, you know."

"Enough to be happy about sitting back and letting her die?" he shook his head in return, knowing he overstepped the boundaries. 

"Someone had to stay here with her, we couldn't all run off." he looked him square in the eye.

"You really did not just use that line on me. You really did not just imply Ellie just 'ran off'. Because if you did then I think we have a problem here." Tommy scoffed, folding his arms across his chest. "There is not a single person in this town that wouldn't be by Dina's side in Ellie's absence."

"Look, I'm not here to argue the fact's with you. I just need you to understand that I do care about Dina." he reached up and ran a hand through his hair. "Dina and I have had our own fair share of fights about Ellie, I'd rather not make this another one. I am her boyfriend, not Ellie."

"You're aware you only have the pleasure of being her boyfriend because of Ellie?" Tommy scrunched his nose and shook his head, deciding that this just wasn't worth it.

He took one more glance at Dina before he left the room.

* * *

  
"Are you okay, kid?" Tommy asked as he held the glass still while she poured it.

"Just peachy." Cat replied, flashing him an unenthusiastic thumbs up.

Tommy laughed nervously, bringing the glass to his lips. "Hey, Seth!" he hollered, "Cat's going to have a break with me."

He patted the seat beside him.

Cat rolled her eyes and poured herself a drink before slipping around the counter and taking a seat next to Tommy. She looked down at the glass in her hand, gripping it tightly.

"Now, are you going to tell me?" he pushed.

She shrugged. "I miss her."

Tommy nodded. "I miss her too."

"Why does she have to always be the hero?" Cat asked through teary eyes. "Can't she just like, be boring for once?"

"I don't know if she has that in her." he smiled softly, bringing the glass to his lips. "She wouldn't be Ellie if she didn't do the stupid shit she did."

Cat nodded slowly back, taking a sip of her drink with Tommy. "How's Dina doing?"

"She's hanging in there."

"I don't hate her." Cat sighed, closing her eyes.

"I know." Tommy mumbled, shifting in his seat.

"I went to visit her yesterday... Just to check she wasn't faking." she gave a small fake laugh. "I couldn't stay though. It's hard seeing her like that. I'd give anything to have her back at my throat. Now that it's gone I miss that dynamic. I sort of liked fucking her off when I hung out with Ellie."

Tommy chuckled with her. "You two are more alike than you think. Maybe after this is done you could be friends."

This time Cat gave a true laugh. "Nah. I want her to like, live and everything but our back and forth is much more fun."

Tommy nodded, understanding. He missed the carefree days when he and Joel would get into a stupid argument and play fight.

"I wanted Ellie to move on." she paused, tracing the rim of her glass with her finger. "To be with someone who didn't make her sad all the time, to stop chasing after the memory of something that she might never have again. I thought for a while that I could be that person for her if she'd just let me but I think I knew all along that it was always Dina. Even back when we were kids I always knew."  
Tommy turned to face her, studying her pained facial expression. He wasn't sure if she was sad because she missed her friend or because of a love she never had.

Cat's face was quick to shift to a smile. "You know, back when we were dating, I actually asked her... I asked her if she was in love with Dina."

"Of course she told you the truth, right." Tommy stated more than asked with a roll of his eyes, knowing the answer already.

"She was such a dick. She knew. I know she knew, but still, she lied to me. I think maybe I could have stayed with her for a while longer if she had just told me the truth. I could have pretended for a long while that she might have been able to fall in love with me too." Cat paused, turning to look at Tommy. "But she never would have been honest with me." she shook her head, bringing her drink to her lips. "I read her diary and I would see the way she looked at Dina, and I kept wondering how to get her to look at me the same way she looked at her."

"That's not on you, Cat." Tommy replied, reaching over and placing his hand on her wrist.

"Oh, I know. There was nothing wrong with me." she smiled reassuringly. "I love Ellie, but all I want is for her to be happy. I'm just waiting for those two to wake up and realize what they've been missing. I'd crack their heads together if I could." she laughed as she pretended to hold two heads in her hand and squish them together.

Tommy took another sip on his drink. "I'm not worried about them, they'll figure it out on their own. Eventually."

There was a silence as the two sat there finishing their drinks.

"Are you holding up okay?" Cat finally asked after a moment.

"I'm okay. I uh... I'm scared to go home. I may have said some petty shit to Jack on my way out earlier that I'm not proud of and I'm worried Maria would have heard about it by now." he said sheepishly.

"Jack." Cat spat disgustedly.

"Jack's a piece of work, huh?" Tommy asked with an arched brow, leaning towards the younger girl.

"Oh yeah, he's a real piece of shit." Cat laughed.

Tommy laughed back. "You see, you can say that but someone in my position can't... just between you and me though, he's a real fucking piece of shit." 

Cat looked back down and fiddled with her fingers. "She'll come back won't she Tommy?"

He nodded. "She'll have you to answer to if she doesn't."

Cat reached over and rested her hand on Tommy's shoulder. "You should get home and get some rest. You look exhausted, Tommy."

"Alright." He nodded and brought his glass to his lips, finishing the liquid inside.

* * *

Tommy fell down on the seat at the kitchen table, holding his glass of alcohol firmly in his hand. He rested his elbow on the table and buried his head in his hand.

At least when Joel had died he had known he was dead, he was able to bury his brother. He was able to go to his grave and finally grieve him but if Ellie failed to return he wouldn't be able to do that. He wasn't sure he would even be able to bring back her body.  
He knew that he would try though and he would lay her to rest beside Joel.

When would he go?

At what point would it become clear that she was in trouble? He wanted to go now but knew he needed to have more faith in her and give her more time, it was still too early for her to return. It was a long trip and she could only go as fast and as far as her horse would allow in one day.

He constantly did the math in his head. He had never been very good at math, the numbers always getting jumbled in his head.

"Tommy?"

The kitchen light switched on and he lifted his head, a smile falling on his lips as his eyes fell on Maria in her nightwear.

"Why don't you come to bed?" she asked soothingly, closing the gap between them.

"I will in a minute." he mumbled. 

She wrapped her arms around his neck and brought her lips down to kiss the top of his head. "I love you, Tommy." she murmured. "You're a good man."

Tommy closed his eyes and leaned into her embrace. "I love you too, Maria."


	24. Chapter 24

Ellie clutched the reins in her bloodied fists harder than she had ever held anything in her life. She kicked Callus harder and he snorted in response before quickening his pace. She was tired. Callus was tired but they had to keep going.

Her body ached, the scratches of the infected stinging her cold skin. Her eyes were heavier than she was certain they had ever been but she had to keep going.

The rain cascaded down, drowning her. Weighing her down further, threatening to pull her down to a point that she couldn't get back up. She was cold and tired but she couldn't allow herself to sleep.

Ellie closed her eyes and briefly allowed herself to feel Callus's movements underneath her, the memories from earlier consuming her senses.

_She had been ready for it._

_But no one had been more surprised than her when the glass didn't give._

_She wasn't sure how long she had been there for, when she had opened her eyes the room was calm and it took a moment for her to register where she was, remember what she was doing. She hugged the pack tighter to her chest as she got up on her knees, turning her flashlight back on and peering over the wall and through the windows. They were all calm again._

_They must have thought they had lost her and given up._

_She rose carefully to her feet, sliding the backpack on to her shoulders. It was heavy now but she would manage. All this medicine would be enough to keep Jackson going for a while and she was going to get it back to them or die trying. Really die trying, not going down trapped in the tiny glass box she was in._

_She couldn't waste any more time here._

_She reached the door handle, gently jiggling the lock to get it undone and opened the door. The hinges creaked and she knew that this was it, now or never._

_They screamed, they screamed so loud that Ellie was sure that that would be enough to burst her eardrums and strike her down but she kept going. She sprinted to the door opposite her and flung it open, barrelling up the stairs with them right at her heels. She swore she could almost feel them breathing on the back of her neck but she couldn't look back. If she did she was sure they would have her in their grasp so she kept going._

_It was dark but she had the stairwell committed to memory. When she reached the top she instinctively yanked the bar and threw it back, mentally hoping it had hit one and stunned them long enough for her to push through._

_She barged through with enough force that the door swung hard against the wall, rattling the entire floor and notifying everything down here of her presence. Time seemed to slow for her as every single one of them turned to face her, snarling. She couldn't stop, she ran faster, ducking under them as they reached and lunged for her. Scraping her skin and digging their sharp extremities through her flesh down to the bone but she couldn't stop. She ducked and dodged through what felt like hundreds. It was only when she reached the final door that she drew her gun, firing to take the last of them in her way._

_One more door. One more set of stairs separated her between death and freedom. She was almost there._

_It was cruel._

_She felt the hard tug on her backpack and herself beginning to tumble back into the tangled mess of the horde behind her. Their growls flooding her senses._

_She had almost done it. She closed her eyes, this was it._

_"Dina."_

_Her eyes snapped open and she reached for the handle of the door, saving herself from falling back to her certain death. She surged forward, ripping the hands away from their grasp on her. She picked up the pace, sprinting as fast as she could towards the front doors, shoving them open and tumbling out into the car park._

_She took a moment to allow herself to adjust to the sunlight before she rose to her feet. They were still coming._

_She scanned around, unable to see Callus. She wasn't sure how long she had been down there for and hoped that he hadn't abandoned her. They were coming and she had to move, she whistled as she sprinted to the fence, scouring the wire as quickly as possible, her shoes slipping against the tiny holes._

_Ellie had just managed to throw her aching body over the top as they fell into the fence. Pushing hard, trying to breakthrough. Desperate for the meal that was within their grasp. Ellie backed up before rising to her feet, turning to run. She whistled again._

_She heard his hoofs as they hit the dirt hard and glanced up to see him running towards her. She leaped, placing her foot in the stirrup and swinging up on the big horse before kicking him in the side to get him to go._

_She didn't look behind her as she heard the fence snap._

She opened her eyes, furrowing her brows into a deep v. There wasn't any time to sleep and she certainly didn't have any time to spare. She had escaped by the skin of her teeth and now she had to make it home. 

Everywhere they went she heard them. The growls and screeches sounding like they were surrounding her. Like they were so close behind her that if she stopped they would have her. She wasn't sure if it was her imagination or not but she didn't have time to worry. She leaned closer to Callus, urging him to go faster.

She had to make it back home.

* * *

"Tommy!" a deep-voiced male yelled. "Tommy, get over here."

Tommy snapped out of his daze and strolled over to the other side of the wall where Richard had called for him.

"Look." the older man pointed, barely being able to make out the dark silhouette of a horse. "Is it her?"

Tommy peered deeper slowly piecing together all that facts that confirm it was her. He was tired and it took his mind a long while to get going. As soon as he saw that the horse was grey, he knew it was her. He didn't need to see her face to know.

"That's Ellie!" Richard called out, glancing over to him.

"Go!" Tommy yelled back, shoving him to the side. "Clear the infected and open the gate!" 

Tommy took aim and fired, downing one of them that pushed against their gates.

Richard only nodded as he headed down the ladder, passing on the command as he waited anxiously by the gate, ready to open it.   
Only a short moment had passed before there was loud banging down the other end of the town, a commotion drawing the infected away. 

Tommy took aim again, taking down the few stragglers that remained, leaving the path clear for Richard to open the gate for Ellie.  
Ellie didn't stop. She couldn't. 

She looked up and her gaze met Tommy's, they both giving each other an acknowledging nod as she continued forward  
She rode right through the gates on Callus, never slowing down for a second. She rode him all the way through town until she brought him to a sliding halt right outside the clinic. Flinging her body off she almost faltered, her body weakly protesting before she sprinted inside. She would rest later. 

She rode him all the way through town until she brought him to a sliding halt right outside the clinic. Flinging her body off she sprinted inside.

She took a moment to breathe as she scanned the group before her. When her eyes met Jane she held the backpack out for her, it wobbling unevenly in her shaking hands.

"Ellie, you made it..." she whispered uncertainly reaching out to take it from her and ease her burden some.

"Dina?" Ellie asked between rasps of breath, feeling as if she would never be able to catch her breath again.

"Come on." Jane motioned, leading her towards the beds. "She's holding on."

Ellie's eyes fell on Dina. Searching for any sign of life and she immediately felt more at ease seeing her chest weakly rise and fall with her shallow breathes.

She was still here. She was still alive.

Her eyes fell to the dog still at her feet who remained unmoved but had begun to wag his tail. She would remember to give him all the treats and attention when this was over.

She allowed herself a smile as she stepped forward, dropping her rifle on the chair and took Dina's hand in hers, giving it a tight squeeze. She was sure she felt a squeeze back in response but wasn't sure whether or not it was her mind playing tricks on her but she didn't care. She needed that reassurance.

"Dina." she whispered, pulling her hand up to rub her thumb against her cheek.

She furrowed her brow when she pulled it away realizing she had rubbed her blood and grime on her pure, clean skin. Reaching for the cloth at her side she wiped it away.

She was pale and her breathing faint, way worse than when Ellie had left her. She hoped she wasn't too late, she wasn't sure what she would do if she was. 

"Is she going to be okay?" Ellie asked afraid of the answer, but turning to look at Jane anyway.

Jane only shook her head. "I don't know. We'll do what we can but it'll be up to her now."

She nodded slowly and turned back to her as she lay still, unmoving. Ellie's eyes never leaving her face.

"I'd like to stay with her..."Ellie mumbled. "If that's okay."

Jane nodded, hanging up a new IV bag with the medication Ellie had brought back. "Let us clean you up first."

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked, unsure.

"Pray."

* * *

  
Ellie sat on the bed in her underwear, her shoulders slumped forward as she breathed evenly for the first time in days, feeling as if she was breathing for the first time. It didn't come easy but it didn't hurt as much as it had on her journey back.

She closed her eyes, allowing the sounds of the rain hitting the tin ceiling to carry her someplace distant. It wasn't much, but it was enough to settle her nerves. She flexed her fingers before clenching her hand shut tight, willing the tremors to cease. 

Was she just cold? She didn't know anymore.

She liked to think that that was all it was, that she would get warm and they would go away but she knew it wasn't that easy. She knew it was something more than just the cold.

"Are you okay?" Jane asked cautiously as she rang out the cloth in her hand, keeping her eyes on the bruised girl on the hospital bed in front of her.

Ellie opened her eyes again but kept them down, dropping her hands, her fingers tightly gripping the edge of the bed for support. "I'm okay."

Jane cocked her eyebrow at her, gently touching the cloth to the cut on Ellie's temple and earning a wince. "You're allowed to not be okay."

Ellie sighed and continued looking down, her hands closing tighter around the material. "I'll be okay."

Jane hummed, threading a needle to stitch the cut closed. "This might leave a scar."

She kept her eyes fixed down as Jane worked, disinfecting and stitching all the deep cuts and scrapes that dotted her body that required it. Some she couldn't remember how she even got.

She wanted to answer her, to laugh about the ridiculousness of it all. 

If someone had told her last week that Dina would be deathly sick and she would have gone galavanting through the countryside in an effort to save her, without so much as a second thought, she wouldn't have believed them. 

Three days ago her and Dina still weren't talking.

Three days ago Dina was still very much alive and not this weak version trapped in a bed, barely breathing.

A lot can change in three days.

Jane glanced back at Ellie worried as she crouched down to her ankle, gently feeling around the cut with her fingers, not feeling any broken bones. "Does this hurt?"

It did.

Ellie shook her head.

"You know, you did a really brave thing, Ellie." Jane spoke softly as she worked on her leg, glancing up briefly to catch Ellie's eye. "Dumb, but brave."

"I don't know if everyone would call it brave, dumb might be a better word." she sighed back.

"You're your own harshest critic, Dina always said that about you. I believe it too." she laughed. "Said she'd wish you'd stop being so hard on yourself and to just get on with it."

"Get on with what?" Ellie asked, watching as the doctor worked.

Jane only gave a knowing smile followed by a shrug.

Ellie inhaled sharply before exhaling slowly, wondering what Jane had meant. Her mind was too foggy to comprehend her words and she wished she wasn't so cryptic, would at least make it easy for her.

"Maybe now that you're back you can work on not being so hard on yourself."

"I do try." Ellie only sighed, pulling a face at Jane.

"Maybe you should try a little bit harder then." the words were harsh but she was sincere and kind with them.

"I want to." Ellie frowned, watching Jane work. "I've been trying really hard to. To do what's right, to help everyone. To live up to everyone's expectations of me. I am doing better. I just want the right people to notice."

Jane looked up and smiled at her, resting her hand on her thigh for a moment. "It's been noticed."

Once her wounds were dressed and she had changed in to dry clothes Ellie stepped back into Dina's room. She barely could keep her eyes open now feeling a lot more at ease after a shower and having her wounds treated.

She sat down on the edge of Dina's hospital bed, reaching over to run her hand over Koby's head. "Have you been taking care of her, boy?" she asked softly. "You've done a good job."

Koby yawned, lifting his head from his paws and leaning into Ellie's touch, his soft brown eyes meeting hers and she hoped that he knew just how much she appreciated him. He had been there for every moment she needed him and hoped he would be there for the rest of them.

She turned her head to look back down at Dina, she had still not moved and it broke her heart even further. If she just moved Ellie would know that she was okay, that things were going to be okay.

Ellie moved slightly, climbing up on the small bed and she laid beside the younger girl. It wasn't a good fit, the bed wasn't made for two people but there was just enough room to stop her falling off the edge. 

Reaching her hand over she tucked her hair behind her ear, her eyes searching for any movement on her face but there was still nothing. 

"Dina..." she began, feeling a bit stupid talking to someone who couldn't even hear her. "Dina, please wake up..." 

She reached her hand down, taking Dina's smaller one and lacing their fingers together. She wanted to feel some sort of comfort from the feeling of her fingers between hers but she couldn't, not when Dina could reciprocate the gesture. 

"I don't know what I'll do without you." she mumbled, dropping her gaze to their entwined hands, feeling the tears well in her eyes. "I'm sorry, so sorry for everything. If you just wake up I'll never hurt you again. I promise, Dina. Please. Please wake up." she begged.

Ellie waited for a response, anything to say that she was heard and she was understood but still nothing. Dina laid just as still as she had been since Ellie had been back. 

She didn't feel them so much as it just happened before she knew it her cheeks were wet and she brought both their hands up to wipe the tears away.

"I love you, Dina. I hope you know that." she whispered, closing her eyes. "I hope you'll always know that."

Ellie shifted her body a little cuddling up against Dina's side and falling into a restless sleep.

* * *

"Morning." Jane mumbled, fiddling with some things at Dina's side.

"Mornin'." Ellie replied, waking with a start and rubbing at her tired eyes as she sat up, sliding off the side of Dina's bed and into the chair beside her. "I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"Nonsense." Jane smiled warmly. "You must be exhausted. You've had a long trip."

"How's she doing?" Ellie asked hesitantly.

Jane thought for a moment, checking the clipboard with her vitals at the side of the bed. "No better, yet. Give it time."

Ellie looked down, unsure of how to comprehend her words. Had she been too late? She wracked her brain, trying to think of something she could have done differently to save a few precious moments.

She stopped only when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"She's a fighter. She'll pull through." Jane smiled kindly at her.

Ellie nodded.

"Ellie..." 

Ellie looked up, meeting Tommy and Maria's hesitant gaze. She unsteadily rose to her feet and gave him a nod. Tommy gave one back, a silent understanding that she had done a good job, that she was home.

"You did it, Ellie." Tommy beamed. "You made it back."

Maria was the first one to move, gently knocking Tommy in the shoulder as she pushed passed and wrapped Ellie up in a hug. "Don't you ever do that again." she scolded with no malice behind her tone.

Ellie stood awkwardly in the embrace before she untensed, wrapping one arm around Maria's waist to reciprocate her hug. 

"I mean it, Ellie." she warned, pulling away to get a better look at her. "There won't be a third time."

"I know, Maria." Ellie nodded and stood there quietly as she let Maria manipulate her head to view the bruise on her cheek and the newly stitched cut on her temple. She was gentle and Ellie closed her eyes when she ran her finger over the stitches, it had been a long time since she had felt anyone's soft touch and it was comforting.

"Give her some space, Maria." Tommy laughed, grabbing her by the elbow and pulling her back. 

"I'm just worried about her, Tommy." The older woman groaned and swatted his hand away. "You don't mind, do you, Ellie?"

She shook her head. "No, Ma'am. I am okay though." she added, forcing a smile to try and get her point across.

"Do you think we're stupid, Ellie? You could have blown your arm off and you'd still tell us you were fine." Tommy said with a shake of his head.

Ellie gave a weak laugh, she couldn't really argue with that.

"How is she today?"

Ellie looked down. "Jane said she was no better... what if I was too late?"

"She's a strong girl, Ellie." Maria spoke, reaching out to rest a hand on her arm. "If anyone was going to pull through, it would be her."

"JJ?" she asked, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"Robin and Gray are looking after him, he's okay. He's doing a good job keeping their mind off of everything."

Ellie gave a small unsure nod.

"You did it, Ellie." Tommy offered and as Maria had, rested his hand on her shoulder. "You can rest now."

"Hey, Maria. Tommy. Ellie..." Jack spoke curtly, dropping his head low as he walked in with JJ.

Ellie turned her head to greet the small boy in his arms. She smiled knowing Dina's son was okay, but it quickly fell as she realized who he was with. She wanted to reach out and take him, hug him, and tell him his mother was going to be okay. To convince him and to convince herself.

She hated that he was here with him and not her. He wasn't his father.

"Hey..." she mumbled in response.

Maria and Tommy felt Ellie tense.

"Mornin'." Tommy scowled, refusing the look at the man.

"Morning, Jack." Maria spoke more politely, more civil.

"Say hi to mummy, JJ." Jack walked in cradling the child tightly to him and Ellie wasn't sure if it was natural of if he was doing it just to make a point.

Either way, she didn't like it.

Ellie shut her eyes, wishing she could just block him out. But she couldn't. He was with Dina, not her.

She had gone to fetch the medicine. She had risked her life fighting through the horde of infected. She had brought it all back but it was him Dina was with, not her. She had less of a right to be here than him. 

Would Dina even want her here?

She looked at Tommy and Maria, returning their sympathetic smile. 

"I'll go wait out here until you're done." she mumbled quietly, her heart heavy.

"Ellie?" Jack asked hesitantly.

She started for the door, closely followed by Maria and Tommy, and looked back over her shoulder.

"Thank you." Jack offered her a kind smile.


	25. Chapter 25

Ellie shifted in the chair, her eyes still closed. She knew it was morning now but that didn't mean she was ready for it to be. This had been her bed for the last three days and while she was able to get some rest due to being so exhausted, it hadn't been a comfortable rest. Regardless she knew she would stay here as long as it took, just like Dina had done for her.

She also knew she would have done it even if she didn't have to return the favor.

She scrunched her eyes tightly together and pulled the blanket draped across her closer to her body, wishing the light that was filtering in to just go away. At least for a few more hours. She would even take just a few minutes. She listened as Koby gave a gentle while and she ignored him when he nudged her leg with his nose.

It was just too early she decided.

Ellie didn't want another day of this. Another day of waiting. Another day of awkwardly tiptoeing around Jack as he came in, spending longer and longer at Dina's side. She wasn't sure if he did it to compete with her or if he sincerely wanted to spend the time there. As much as she disliked him, she still wished it was the latter. Dina deserved that much.

Ellie considered she might be overstepping the unspoken boundaries she and Dina had set for each other, considering they weren't even on talking terms before this had happened, but as Ellie thought more and more about their history she began to care less and less about them.

She would take the consequences of her actions when Dina woke up, but for now, she needed to be here.

Maybe that was selfish of her. She was here because Dina wasn't well, but she was also here for her own selfish reasons because she needed that reassurance of Dina being close, of knowing Dina was still breathing.

She hated the fear that crept into her bones when she had to vacate the room and wait outside for her guests to leave. She didn't have to do that, but she felt too awkward to stick around while others sat at her side and spoke to her.

She constantly felt anxious, a mix of nerves, and regret persistently rising the bile up her throat.

Ellie hadn't felt so helpless in a long time and she didn't know how to cope with that feeling anymore. She had tried to be better, had worked really hard to get to a point where she was content getting up in the morning, working really hard to earn her place in the community, and then going to bed to repeat the motions the next day.

That was her routine and there was comfort in routine.

Her feelings had never gone away, she had just gotten better at hiding them, the sadness she felt for the family she lost, or the shame she felt for how she lost them. She had grown to accept her faults and her mistakes instead of wallowing in self-pity, drinking herself into a stupor every night. She accepted that she couldn't change what she had done, only grow from it and become a better person for it and she had done that, she sincerely believed she had done that, but that didn't mean that the doubts sometimes still crept into the back of her mind. She accepted and embraced them, the feelings keeping her grounded.

She knew life doesn't work like that, but she hoped that all the pieces would fall back in to place.

Koby again nudged her and she again shifted in her chair, opening one eye to look down at him. She wasn't annoyed, but she wasn't happy about that intrusion. She took a deep breath, drawing the air into her lungs, letting the blanket fall as she sat up a bit and rubbed at her tired eyes before turning her head to look at Dina.

She froze.

Dina still lay in bed but her head was turned towards Ellie and instead of being closed, her eyes were open.

Ellie blinked and now Dina was still awake and sitting propped up loosely propped up on a pillow. Her skin still baring a light sheen of sweat but some of the color had returned to her olive skin.

"Hey." Dina muttered softly, a weak smile on her face.

"Hey..." Ellie mumbled back unsure, sitting up straight in the chair.

She tilted her head to the side confused, maybe she was still just dreaming but it sure felt real and she watched as Dina's eyes crinkled at the edges as she watched her back.

"Are you just going to sit there all day?" she asked, slightly tilting her head to the side.

Ellie took a deep breath and closed her eyes, exhaling as she opened them again, a thankful smile on her face. Relieved that the medicine had worked, that she had made it back in time. Thankful that Dina had pulled through. Grateful that her one and only prayer had been answered.

Ellie looked back up and met Dina's murky brown eyes and shook her head. So many emotions were coursing through her but her body couldn't decide which one to express first. Placing her feet back on the ground, a gesture to keep all her emotions in check, she hesitantly continued to sit at Dina's side, unsure if she should stand if she should grab her hand or wrap her up in a tight embrace.

She had thought about the moment this happened, thought about everything she would say to Dina but now that it had actually happened, nothing would come out.

She watched as the small girl moved her hand, sliding it across to the edge of the bed and offering it to her. She looked down at it, furrowing her eyebrow before reaching out and taking it in hers. Dina gave it a gentle squeeze, too weak to squeeze any tighter but the indication was there.

"Are you okay, Ellie?" she asked, worry behind her raspy tone.

Ellie shook her head, she should have been asking that. "You're awake... Are you okay?" she finally managed to ask.

Dina smiled, allowing her eyes to settle on Ellie's, wanting to calm the frightening tone she could see in her eyes. "I'm okay. Tired."

Ellie nodded in understanding, she had been through a lot. "Do you want me to go so you can get some rest?"

"No." Dina shook her head. "Stay. Please."

"Alright." she mumbled.

Ellie sat back, not willing to let her eyes leave Dina. Not allowing her hand to either. She needed to be holding on to something to keep her grounded, feeling so unsure in the moment.

She could feel the water in her eyes threatening to break through but she took the time to blink it back. Dina was really okay.  


"What happened?" she asked, blinking back slowly.

Ellie thought about telling her everything that happened over the past week. How sick she had been, what she had to do to save her but thought better of it. Did she really need to know that? All that mattered was that she was better now.

"You got sick." Ellie gave a small shrug.

"Oh." she breathed. "I think I remember... I didn't feel too good." She paused and Ellie could feel her skin burning under her lazy gaze.

Could feel her eyes working her over, studying her.

"Why do you look so sad?" she finally asked.

Ellie felt stupid but could only offer a small shrug in response, glancing away from Dina. What was she meant to say?

"Geez, lighten up." she finally spoke again with a small smirk. "No one died, did they? Stop looking like you're at a funeral."

Ellie laughed, a small sincere laugh and looked back up to meet her eyes. "No, no one died."

"You look tired." Dina said honestly, resting her head further back on the pillow and turning her head more to focus completely on Ellie.

"I am." Ellie admitted much the same way Dina had, allowing a flash of vulnerability before she continued. "But I'm alright."

"Jane said this morning... she said you have been here the whole time I was unwell."

"Not the whole time." Ellie mumbled like a child who had been caught out, absent-mindedly stroking the back of her hand with her thumb, a reassuring movement she had made many times before.

She felt the nervousness in her gut. She wondered what Jane had told Dina about what happened. She had asked her not to mention what she had done as she felt it wasn't important, but Jane made no promises.

"I hope you've been taking care of yourself too, El." she said sternly, with as much strength as she could muster.

"I've been doing okay, don't worry about me. You just... focus on getting better. A lot of people were really worried about you and you need to get stronger again for JJ." she said with a small smile. "You need to get your rest to deal with all the people that are going to want to come to visit you, I definitely would be more worried about that."

"Don't worry about you?" Dina laughed. "Why do I get the feeling you've done something dumb?" she hummed, gesturing with her free hand to Ellie's bruised cheek and then a little higher to the stitches on the side of her temple.

"Oh?" Ellie asked, averting her eyes to the ground and turning her head slightly to shield her wounds from Dina's view. "Would you believe I walked straight into a door?"

"Would I believe it? Yeah, I believe you're stupid enough to do that. Do I think that's what happened this time? Not a chance." she laughed weakly, looking down at her hand in Ellie's, she should have pulled it away but she really didn't want to.

Ellie smiled back at her and gave an exaggerated shrug. "It's what happened."

Dina and Ellie sat there for a moment in quiet silence. There were so many things running through Ellie's head that they were all getting jumbled to the point where her body wouldn't let her speak them. Every time she opened her mouth to speak she immediately closed it, feeling stupid for saying what she wanted to.

Every time she did that, her thumb moved faster against Dina's skin, a nervous habit.

"Thank you." Dina finally said, finally breaking the silence and eyeing her suspiciously.

"For what?" Ellie asked, looking down, a red hue threatening to spread on her cheeks.

"I don't know what you did, but I just feel like I need to thank you." Dina whispered, furrowing her brows slightly. "I know you, Ellie."  


Ellie looked up and smiled a sincere smile. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Both girls looked down when they felt the wet sensation of Koby's nose against their entwined hands and Ellie was thankful for the distraction from their previous conversation. She didn't want to lie to Dina, but she didn't think it was something worth talking about either. It wouldn't change anything between them, so why bother? She didn't want Dina to feel like she owed her something like she was indebted to her.

"When I couldn't be here, he uh... actually stayed with you the whole time. He did a pretty good job of it, from what I was told." Ellie spoke, stumbling over her words unsure how to phrase it. She didn't want to give away the fact that she had been gone for an extended period of time. "I mean, from what I saw."

Dina still eyed her suspiciously, before dropping her attention to Koby, watching as Ellie reached out and petted the top of her head with her free hand.

"He might actually like you more than me..." Ellie laughed nervously, trying to change the tension in the air.

"Of course he likes me better than you." Dina rolled her eyes. "He always did. Who wouldn't?"

Koby gave a small bark, shifting his eyes to settle on Dina and panted happily with his tongue out.

"Yeah, you're right." she smiled, keeping her hand on his head. "You did always give him the extra treats, though."

"He's my favorite." Dina beamed, looking back at the dog that sat beside her bed on the floor. "I remember him sitting on the bed with me, I remember feeling his fur in my hands." she smiled again, looking back at Ellie before glancing down. "I remember you telling him to stay with me, that you couldn't take him with you because he had to protect me."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Ellie dismissed. "Maybe you were just dreaming."

Dina exhaled, bringing her eyes back and narrowing them to study Ellie. "I do also remember you telling me that I was going to be okay, that you'd be right back, that you lo..."

"Dina..." Ellie sighed, cutting her off and looking up to meet her gaze, fierce green against fierce brown.

"Mumma!"

Both their eyes snapped up and fell on the small boy in Jack's arms as he walked in. The pure joy on his face, his cheeks chubby and full, would be enough to make anyone's heart melt.

"Spud!" Dina spoke with as much enthusiasm she could muster in her state. "Look at you, you're so big now. What have they been feeding you?"

He made grabby hands for Dina and Ellie looked down as Dina gave her hand one more reassuring squeeze before dropping it and holding her hands out for her child in response.

"Is this okay?" Jack asked, glancing between Dina and Ellie.

Dina nodded. "I'm okay. Come here, my sweet baby boy."

She took him in her arms and hugged him tightly to her sore body, as tight as her frail body would allow. Planting kisses on top of his head and on his cheeks he giggled and squirmed on top of her. She winced a little in pain and jerked with his movements but they were masked by his own excited squeals.

"Hey." Jack smiled and leaned down to kiss the top of her head.

Ellie wanted Dina to pull away, to recoil from his advances but she never did.

"I brought him over as soon as they said you were awake. Robin and Gray thought you would want to see him first, they said they'll come to visit a little later. Didn't want to tire you out too much." he finished with a soft smile.

Ellie took a deep breath and exhaled deeply before she finally rose to her feet, starting for the door. This wasn't her place to impose. She was just thankful Dina was okay.

"Ellie...?" Dina asked.

She looked over her shoulder before she turned around and met her gaze, wishing she would ask her to stay. Wishing she would get rid of Jack so they could hold on to this moment just a while longer. To share their reunion with JJ, but she knew that wouldn't happen.

As much as she wanted it, she knew that that was never an option.

"Thank you." Dina smiled, her eyes never leaving Ellie, pleading for her to understand.

Knowing Dina had pulled through and was going to be okay was enough for Ellie. For the first time in a week, she felt like she could finally breathe.

Ellie smiled a hollow smile and left, a chorus of JJ's laughter hanging in her ears.

* * *

Ellie sat at the table with Tommy and Maria and played with the remaining food on her plate. She didn't want to be wasteful, but she just wasn't hungry anymore.

"You're looking more like yourself." Maria commented as she stood to the table to take her dishes to the sink. "Can I take that?"

"Huh?" Ellie mumbled before looking to her outstretched hand. "Oh. Yeah, sure. Thank you." she added handing Maria her plate. "Sorry, I couldn't finish it."

"It's okay. I'm just glad to see you eating again. I don't think I saw you touch anything for the last few days, you're as bad as that dog of yours." she smiled, allowing her gaze to linger on Ellie before she turned away. "It's good to see you eat again, not falling back to old habits."

"Leave her alone, Maria." Tommy laughed with a wave of his hand. "I think she's just trying to get everyone fat."

Ellie just smiled as she watched Maria huff.

"Oh you think that's it, old man?" she began. "You think you need any help getting fat? 'Cause where I'm standing it seems like you're doing that just fine all by yourself."

"Ouch." Tommy placed a hand over his heart and feigned hurt.

A silence fell over the three and Ellie sat at the table fiddling with her hands.

"You want to ask about her, don't you?" Tommy asked, raising his eyebrow.

Ellie only looked up and nodded.

"She's doing good. You did good, kid."

Ellie exhaled and again nodded.

"You don't deserve what's happened to you." he began. "I reckon you've been given the short end of the stick for a long time now."

"Tommy." Ellie grumbled not ready for another one of his pep talks.

He reached over the table and placed his hand on top of hers. "You can go visit her, you know? She does ask about you. Asks about what happened."

"Tommy..." Ellie warned.

He raised his hands in defeat. "I haven't told her anything, but that doesn't mean that someone else won't. Don't you think she'll want to hear it from you?"

Ellie shook her head hard, sitting back in her chair and crossing her arms over her chest. "It wouldn't change anything, Tommy. I don't want it to. I did what I did because I needed to, not because I expected anything out of it." she paused before pulling a face. "I do want to go visit again... but I can't."

"And why can't you?" Tommy asked, folding his arms across his own chest, almost mirroring her.

"You know why." she replied, looking him sternly in the eye. "It's not healthy anyway, pining over a girl who is with someone else. Nor is it fair. So in the best interest of everyone, let's just drop it, alright?"

Tommy rolled his eyes. "Alright. Chicken." he muttered under his breath.

"What did you just say?" Ellie scowled at him.

"All I'm saying is, Dina is your friend, you deserve to go spend time with her if you want to spend time with her." Tommy shrugged.  


"Were you not present for the last year?" Ellie groaned, throwing her hands up exacerbated. "Did you miss the fact that we hadn't spoken to each other in months? Did you miss the fact that she-has-a-boyfriend?" she made sure to exaggerate each word to get the point across. "One that I don't get along with?"

"You kids are stupid." Tommy smiled, knowing his words would hit a nerve with Ellie.

"Oh, so I'm stupid for trying to be an adult about all this?" she growled frustratedly.

"No, you're stupid for pretending like you running off to your death meant nothing." his tone was authoritative and even. "Like it wouldn't mean anything to Dina, either."

"It wouldn't!" Ellie yelled back.

"Then tell her. If it didn't mean anything, then tell her." he smiled smugly.

Ellie sighed hard. "I'm not telling her."

"Chicken." Tommy whispered again under his breath, not loud enough for Ellie to hear.

"What did you just call me?" she asked again, just as frustrated as before.

"Hey Maria!" Tommy yelled with a smile. "Have we got some dessert for Ellie tonight? She said she would really like some."

"I did not." Ellie kicked him under the table and whispered through clenched teeth.

"Yeah, but I do and Maria won't let me have any." he grinned sheepishly, running his hand over his gut. "But we all get dessert if Ellie gets dessert."

"Maria is a saint for putting up with you." Ellie brought her hand up to rub at her forehead.

"And we're all saints for putting up with you." he smiled.

She looked up, unable to not smile back which only made Tommy's smile widen.


	26. Chapter 26

Ellie kept her hands stuffed deep in her pockets, her eyes downcast as she walked down the street, half to keep her eyes from meeting anyone else's, and half as she watched Koby prance along beside her.

It felt good to have him back at her side.

They had spent the last three days out on patrol, thankful to have a distraction from any thoughts of the previous week. Thankful to get away from the pressure of whether or not she should go see Dina. Ellie just wanted to move on and get on with her life. There was no point in dwelling on things in the past.

She was tired but a good tired. A tired that came from hard work that made her already tired body ache. It was menial work, she knew that Tommy had sent her on the safest trail to hunt, but it didn't afford her too much time to think and she was thankful that Tommy let her go out, even though she was still injured.

She felt better being out of the walls. Even though Jackson was open, she always felt like the air was fresher out of it, that she could breathe easier. 

She rode Callus now, earning his trust just as much as he had earned hers. He reminded her of Joel when she rode him, and she was thankful for the remaining link.

Koby ran alongside them as they slowly trotted the paths, sometimes running ahead barking happily, sometimes weaving in front of them, other times leaping up onto the saddle with Ellie when he had had enough, a habit he had learned when he had last hurt himself. A habit that Ellie didn't have the heart to break.

She felt at peace with everything as they all worked together to hunt.

Koby let out a sharp bark, snapping her out of her daze and she stopped hard in her tracks, almost bumping into a body in front of her.

"Sorry." she mumbled, lifting her gaze from the ground.

"It's alright. You should really watch where you're going through, you might walk into a door again." she smiled at her, a teasing tone to her voice as she shifted JJ on her hip.

Ellie met her gaze and she smiled back. "Yeah, I might... Sorry, I need to watch where I'm going."

Ellie's eyes dropped to JJ as he dropped his toy on the ground. She looked down, watching as Koby picked it up in his mouth and lifted it towards Ellie's hand. She gave him a pat on the head before she took it from him, holding it back out to JJ. 

"Here you go, bud." she smiled softly watching as he took it from her.

JJ grinned at her before he lifted it in his hands, showing it off proudly to his mother before he turned his attention back to the dog.  


"Dog!" he yelled, reaching out his hands towards him.

"No JJ... You know you can't pat people's animals without permission." Dina shifted, pulling him closer to her as he continued to try and wiggle away from her grasp. Finally, she looked up at Ellie apologetically.

"It's okay." Ellie nodded.

"Are you sure?" Dina asked, still maneuvering to keep a hold of the boy.

"Yeah. I'm sure Koby would love it." she smiled reassuringly.

"Do you hear that J?" she asked softly, crouching down as she set him on his feet, holding her hands to his waist as he tried to make a run for it. "Look at the doggy. You be gentle okay?"

"Doggy!" he yelled again, lunging forward and falling on to his hands and knees as Dina finally let go of her grasp on him.

He picked himself up fast, pausing only for a moment to look at the dirt on his knees before toddling forward to Kobby and wrapping his short, chubby arms around his neck, burying his body into his fur.

Ellie smiled a sincerely happy smile, her heart melting at the thought of JJ and Koby being together again, being friends again. 

Dina laughed and stood to her feet, lifting her eyes to settle on Ellie. "He'll try to take him home if you're not careful."

Ellie raised her hand to rub at the back of her neck, only briefly looking in Dina's eyes before she looked away again. "He does like you better than me."

They both stood there in silence, watching as JJ moved around Koby, trying to climb on his back and Ellie wondered if he never forgot the dog, if he remembered when he used to do that when he was younger, trying to ride the dog around the living room.  


She wondered if he truly remembered her.

"You never came back to visit me." Dina stated, pulling her hands behind her back and peering forward to look at Ellie.

I... Well." she stumbled before she paused, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I figured you'd have enough people bothering you."

"Oh really?" she asked with an arched brow, studying the way Ellie's face contorted when she was thinking.

"And I've been out hunting for Tommy... For the last three days." she added when Dina looked skeptically at her. "I just got back, actually."

"You've been riding Callus?" Dina asked with a quirked brow. "I mean, I went to visit Japan and he wasn't there... I was a bit worried something had happened to him but Richard said that you took him out the other day and had taken him out again."

Ellie hummed and nodded at her. "Yeah, I did."

"You're okay with that?"

Ellie nodded again, raising her hand to rub at her bruised cheek. "Yeah, it's been long enough. I uh, I really should have done it sooner. He's a good horse and well, it makes me feel a bit closer to Joel. I don't feel like I'm just trying to forget him."

"I'm glad, Ellie." Dina smiled a big sincere smile. "What made you change your mind?"

Ellie shrugged and again looked down, twisting her toes nervously into the dirt. "Just the right timing."

Ellie looked back up to meet Dina's eye when she felt her hand settle on her forearm. They both shared a lazy smile before Dina dropped her hand again, playing with her fingers in front of her.

"You seem different, Ellie... I don't know..." Dina said with a shake of her head. "Lighter, maybe?"

Ellie gave a small laugh and opened her mouth to reply, only to be cut off when she felt two small arms snake around her leg.   


"Elwie." the boy mumbled as he looked up at her, the brightest smile plastered on his face.

She smiled back at him wanting to do nothing more than to pick him up and hug him so tightly to her body she would never be able to let him go. Instead, she looked back up at Dina unsure what to do.

She nodded her approval and gestured with her head to the child.

Ellie smiled dopily back before crouching down and picking him up, giving him a tight hug. "Hey, spud. You're so big now." she beamed, swaying him gently back and forward as he too wrapped his arms around her. "I might have to think of a bigger vegetable to call you..." she mumbled into his hair.

He squealed and pushed away from her embrace, smiling innocently at her face. "Ewwie!" he repeated.

For the first time in a long time, Ellie felt a wave of being complete. 

"Are you..." Dina gestured with her head to the bar. "Going for a drink?"

"Yeah." Ellie replied with a nod. "...Do you want to?"

She felt her cheeks burn and she looked down. She wasn't sure why this was so hard. It wasn't awkward, but the butterflies in her stomach made her feel uncomfortable and she willed them to go away. They certainly weren't making it any easier.

Dina thought hard for a moment and Ellie thought that she was considering saying yes.

"I can't." she replied when she finally spoke. "I actually have to get going. We're actually on our way to visit Robin, I promised them I'd have dinner with them when Gray gets home..."

"Oh." Ellie replied with a small smile.

"Another time?" Dina offered, picking up on Ellie's sad tone as she held out her arms for JJ.

"Yeah, I'd like that." she nodded, lifting him away from her body and back to his mother.

"Alright, well. I should go..." she mumbled unsure, trailing off.

"Alright. It's good to see you Dina. I'm glad you're doing well." Ellie reached out and grabbed JJ's hand, giving it a gentle shake. "See you, little man."

"Yeah, you too, Ellie." Dina smiled, reaching over again to rest her hand on her arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'll see you around." she released her grip and stepped around Ellie, moving off down the street.

Ellie rubbed at the back of her head, spinning around to watch Dina as she sauntered down the street, watching as she glanced back over her shoulder to look back at Ellie.

Yeah, she definitely still had butterflies.

  
Ellie stepped in the door of the bar, pausing for a moment as Cat looked up and her eyes met hers. Koby instinctively ran ahead and took his seat on the floor by the stool she always sat at, doing a few circles before settling down.

Cat frowned hard until Ellie gave an apologetic smile and she finally cracked and returned the gesture.

Stepping forward, Ellie threw herself on the stool in front of the bar with an exaggerated sigh.

"Hey, stranger." Cat greeted, putting a glass down in front of her and filling it generously with liquid. "You look like you could use a drink." she laughed softly as she raised her hand to wipe at her cheek, mocking Ellie's bruises.

"Hey." Ellie smiled, taking the glass in her hand and having a small sip. "I uh, walked into a door?" she offered with a laugh in return.  


"Oh, I bet you did." she rolled her eyes. "Keep that up and I'll give you a door to walk in to."

"Aren't you meant to be nice to me? I came back like you said." she fake pouted, crossing her arms on the counter in front of her.  


"I wouldn't know, I haven't seen you since you came back." she snorted, turning away from her friend.

"Oh, come on." she rolled her eyes. "I've been out hunting, you know, so we can all eat."

"And the rest of the time?" Cat asked, pretending to busy herself with some glasses behind the counter.

"Healing? In case you didn't know, I sort of hurt myself." she replied, pointing to her bruise and then the stitches. When that didn't faze Cat, she lifted her leg and pulled up the bottom of her jeans, showing her the gnarly wound on her ankle.

"And you got that walking into a door?" Cat smirked.

Ellie offered her a small shrug. "It was a big door."

Cat leaned over and shoved Ellie angrily in the shoulder, causing her her to fall off balance. "You're still an ass. You made me worry and what happened to coming back in one piece?"

"I don't think I ever said I would do that..." Ellie laughed, settling back on the stool. "I'll make it up to you, what if I have a drink with you?" she lifted her glass towards Cat before bringing it back to her lips.

"Don't act like your alcoholism has anything to do with visiting me." she scoffed, leaning on the other side of the counter and staring at Ellie. "In case you haven't realized, I've survived without you for a week, I don't need your company anymore."

"That's harsh. I'm that easily replaced?" she smiled.

"Mhmm." Cat mumbled, her eyes never leaving Ellie's. "But I might let you make it up to me."

"Uh oh." Ellie grumbled. "I don't think I like the sound of that. No deal."

"Still a fucking comedian." Cat rolled her eyes. "Keep it up and let's see how you survive without me giving you anything to drink."

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry." Ellie smirked, waving her hands dismissively. "I missed you too, Cat."

Cat shook her head, a smile plastered on her face. "Don't act as if I missed you. Now, fill me in on everything."

"Which part?" Ellie asked, pulling a face. 

Cat gave a devious smirk. "Why not start with you sitting by Dina's side for three days straight. Obsessive much?"

"Cat." Ellie frowned at her and shot her a look of warning.

"Why not?" she asked innocently. "As good of a place as any to start."

"What is it with you and Tommy?" Ellie groaned, bringing her hand to her forehead. "Give me a break."

Cat's smirk widened and she opened her mouth to speak only to be stopped by Ellie holding up her hand to silence her.

"She's with Jack. End of story."

Cat rolled her eyes exaggeratingly. "Jack ain't shit."

"Cat." Ellie warned again, glaring at her.

"Jack's a little bitch, you telling me you're scared of him?" Cat leaned back down on the table and raised her eyebrow at Ellie. "I'll beat him up for you if you want. Give ém the ol' one-two." she smiled smugly, raising her fist in front of them.

"With those guns?" Ellie smiled, gesturing towards her biceps. "You couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag."

"That's it." Cat threw her arms in the air before grabbing Ellie's drink from her. "Out of my bar."

"It's not actually your bar..." Ellie grinned, sliding from the stool.

"Out!" Cat bellowed. "Come back when you have some compliments for me. The girl who waited many sleepless nights for you to return!"

Ellie rolled her eyes and waved over her shoulder as she started for the door, Koby moving to stand beside her. "Again, I missed you too, Cat."

"Out!" Cat repeated a big grin on her face.

* * *

  
It had been a long day.

Ellie just wanted to rest. She had spent most of the day not having much time to herself, not having much time to think, and was happy to finally be home. She sat down on her couch, removing her boots one by one before dropping them on the floor.

Koby jumped up on the couch beside her and she took a moment to reach over and give him a good rub down before he settled down to sleep. He wasn't meant to be on the furniture but she decided he had earnt it, that or she was the one that was becoming soft.

She left her hand to settle in hsi fur, her mind getting stuck in a loop of everything that had happened in the past week, from start to finish. Sometimes getting jumbled up, sometimes remembering clearly.

She didn't often have nightmares anymore, but she found the odd one creeping forward into the consciousness. Always the infected, always racing against the clock. She was so scared every time she thought about losing Dina that she could barely look her in the eye anymore. The main reason she had been avoiding her.

She really wasn't coping with that.

She decided eventually she would talk about it though. She knew she would need to, she didn't want to fall back into the same routine of withdrawing, of hauling everything up inside until she couldn't cope and she certainly didn't want people to worry about her anymore.

It wasn't easy opening up but it helped her friends feel more at ease and as much as she hated it, it did make her feel better too. She supposed it wasn't too bad being just a little bit vulnerable in certain situations.

She had Tommy she could talk to, or Maria, or Cat, so she really didn't have any excuse not to.

For now though, she needed to take the time to internalize it all, sort out what her feelings were. Once she had that sorted she felt like maybe then she could talk about what happened. She imagined they wouldn't be happy finding out about what had happened in that hospital. The thoughts she had when she thought she had lost it all.

She didn't like to fall back on those thoughts.

Her attention was snapped away when there was a knock at the door.

She grumbled, shaking her head loose of all the previous thoughts. "I'm coming!"

When she got to the door she was taken aback by what was waiting for her.

"Dina..." she mumbled, tilting her head to the side in confusion.

"Ellie" she smiled kindly, looking down awkwardly as a long silence fell over them. "Are you going to let me in or just leave me out in the cold?"

"Oh, yeah... Yeah, okay. Come in." Ellie awkwardly nodded in response and stepped to the side.

"Thanks." Dina stepped passed her, brushing her hand against her arm as she did so. 

The lingering contact sent a jolt through Ellie's body, and she allowed herself a moment to close her eyes and enjoy it, allowing a moment to smell her familiar scent. She fondly remembered the last time Dina had been in her house and swallowed the lump that rose in her throat.

When she realised she had been standing there too long, she again shook her head clear and shut the door, turning to look at Dina.  


Dina looked around her house, nothing much had changed, she hadn't really expected it too. Atleast it was clean this time. She made herself at home and sat down on the couch next to Koby where Ellie had been just moments ago, she could still feel the warmth from her body lingering on the material. Stretching her legs out in front of her she made herself at home, Koby shifting to rest his head on her thighs. 

"A drink?" Dina asked, tilting her head in the cute way that she knew Ellie had loved. 

"Would you like a drink?" Ellie asked, folding her arms across her chest amused by her forwardness.

"Yes, please. So kind of you to offer... Sorry, you said earlier you'd like to have one." she said softly, looking down a bit embarrassed.

"Yeah, I did. I mean, I do want to have a drink with you..." Ellie turned towards the kitchen, taking her time to pour two glasses before returning and handing Dina one. With the other, she took a seat beside her.

She took a small sip, a healthy silence lingering in the air.

"You're looking good, Ellie." Dina smiled, looking back down at the glass in her hand before taking a sip.

Ellie brought her own glass again to her lips. "If I recall correctly, I think someone told me I had to start taking care of myself. To be fair, I think it was many people." she gave a small contented laugh.

"Yeah..." Dina trailed off. 

In the quiet, Ellie wondered what Dina was doing. She thought she had something to say but if she did, she wasn't getting it off her chest. Regardless, she was thankful to spend this quiet moment with her. 

Any moment, even silence, Ellie cherished.

"JJ?" Ellie finally asked, breaking the silence.

"With Robin and Gray for the night. They were happy to have him, said I still needed a break and to get some rest," she mumbled.  


"So you came here?" Ellie smiled, running her thumb over the rim of the glass. 

Dina pulled a face. "I really wished I could have had a drink with you earlier, and I thought a drink might help me sleep. Win-win really."

"Yeah..." Ellie nodded, bringing the glass to her lips and taking a long sip.

"JJ couldn't stop talking about Koby on the way home, and when we got to Jesse's parent's house... and when he was going to bed." she laughed with a small shrug.

"Yeah?" Ellie smiled back. "He's a good kid. He can hang out with Koby whenever he wants. You can let him come over next time."  


Dina nodded knowing exactly what Ellie was talking about. All the times she had gone passed her house and all the kids were outside playing with Koby, how much JJ had wanted to go over but Dina could never let him. 

"If you want," Ellie added. "That would be okay."

"Yeah, I think he'd like that." she exhaled, bringing the glass to her lips too. "I'd like that too."

"Cool." Ellie nodded back, bringing her thumb to her lip and gently tracing the outline.

The thought of JJ being allowed to come over to play with her dog and the other kids sincerely made her happy. She couldn't think of many things more perfect than that. She knew it wouldn't just make her happy either, she knew that JJ would be ecstatic. 

She needed to remember to teach the dog more tricks to impress the small boy.

She also needed to remember that this didn't mean anything. That JJ was just a growing boy who loved animals.

Ellie sighed, dropping her elbows on to her thighs and leaned forward, cradling her drink in both hands, getting lost in the swirling liquid.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dina stammered, finally blurting it out what had been on her mind.

"Talk about what?" Ellie asked in response feigning ignorance as she turned her head to face her.

"You know. What happened." Dina repeated, looking sternly into her eyes.

Ellie rubbed the back of her neck, turning her attention back to her glass to hide the emotions that were flashing behind her eyes. "What about it?"

"Oh, I don't know... Me almost dying. Or you running off to save me. Both are good topics I reckon." she replied with just a hint of sarcasm.

The auburn girl smiled, biting the inside of her cheek. "Oh. That."

She felt Dina lean over and knocked into her arm. Instead of looking at her, she took another sip of her drink, trying to focus on anything but the warmth that lingered from her contact.

"Weren't you scared?" Dina asked, keeping her eyes on the woman to her side.

"Terrified." Ellie replied honestly, she thought about lying but knew it wouldn't be right. She had to start being honest at some point. "I thought you weren't going to make it."

Dina knocked her again with a groan. "I meant in the hospital."

"Oh." Ellie blushed with an unintelligible mumble. "Yeah, that was scary."

"Just scary?" Dina questioned.

"Nothing is scarier than the thought of losing you." she replied again honestly as she turned to face the younger girl, her eyes finally meeting hers and burning with the fear she guarded against everyone.

It was Dina's turn to blush as she looked down. "Yeah... I think you're the only one stupid enough to think that. A horde of infected? That's terrifying."

Ellie shook her head and turned her attention back to her glass, allowing a small snort to escape. "Yeah right, and have you haunt my ass? I'd rather deal with a horde of infected any day."

Dina laughed a contented laugh and shook her head. "I miss this..."

Ellie brought the glass to her lips and thought better of responding. It would just get her in trouble all over again. She was healing.  
They were healing.

"Tommy stayed with you while I was away, you know?" she asked and Dina only shook her head. "I made him promise to keep you safe while I was gone. I think he did a pretty good job. Along with Koby of course" she shifted upright and rested her free hand on her thigh, bunching the material of her pants in a fist. "He's sorry for everything he did back then, for what he did and said at the farm."

"I don't know if Tommy and I will ever have a perfect relationship, but he knows I forgive him. Didnt he tell you?" she paused while Ellie shook her head. "I think I remember him talking to me but I'm not sure. I remember someone telling me to hold on. That you lo.." She paused, she wanted to say it but knew she couldn't. "That you would be right back." she corrected.

Ellie's heart hurt at her words before she corrected herself. She wondered if she realized Ellie would catch on. She made a mental note to hit Tommy for sharing her secrets.

She closed her eyes and released a small sigh "There were a lot of them. Infected, I mean. They were different. I think because they had been down there so long. Honestly, I didn't think I was going to make it back."

Dina reached over and placed a gentle hand on her thigh, giving it a squeeze.

"I was so scared, I was trapped. I felt like everything was crumbling around me. That they were finally going to break in and that would be it. They were so loud. Relentless. I honestly thought that I might have to shoot myself." Ellie gave an uneasy laugh. "I thought that it might be better than getting eaten to death by those things. It's funny really, to a certain extent I've never really been scared of infected, maybe because I'm immune, maybe because I never really cared about dying before now, but I thought that I'd never get to see you again. That I'd never get to see JJ. That JJ would lose his mother... I was terrified I'd lose you."

There was a silence as Dina listened carefully to her, running gentle circles on her leg. A pained look behind her eyes.

"Oh Ellie... I'm right here. I'm okay." she whispered quietly.

"I still see it sometimes. I close my eyes and I'm back in that room, scared." she shook her head softly. 

"You're okay too." she replied grabbing her hand to give is a reassuring squeeze. "You're back and you're safe too."

Ellie smiled and turned to face her, her eyes misty. "I'm glad you're okay, Dina. That's all that's important to me."

"That's it?" Dina asked, furrowing her brow.

"Mhmm." Ellie mumbled, unsure what answer she was looking for but still an easy smile on her face. "If I could only have one thing, that's what I'd want."

Dina took a deep breath and looked down, stretching her legs out in front of her. "Maybe you should be selfish for once."  


"Huh?" Ellie asked, tilting her head to the side in confusion.

"If there was something else you wanted, I mean." Dina added, knocking the heels of her shoes together to distract herself. 

Ellie laughed with contentment. "I've already done the selfish thing, remember? Look where that got us."

"That was different." Dina mumbled.

Ellie took a long sip of her drink, savoring the burning in her throat. She didn't want to be that selfish person she was before.  


"Look... I'm just trying to be the person I know you'd be proud of. That you thought I could be."

Dina nodded in understanding. 

She was surprised when Dina lifted her hand and slid it over her cheek, gentle stroking Ellie's bruised cheek with her thumb. "Does it hurt?" she asked.

Ellie gulped and gave a small nod. "A little."

"How did it happen?" Dina asked, keeping her eyes locked on Ellie's.

"I was trying to find the medicine and I, uh... fucked up and alerted the infected. It was really dark down there. When I was trying to get away one of them grabbed my ankle, cut it up pretty bad but I tripped and hit my face. No wall, but a floor... close right?"

Ellie watched the crease between Dina's eyebrows deepen as she furrowed her brow, shifting her hand to run her fingers over the stitches in her temple. 

"This too?" Dina breathed, sadness behind her tone.

Ellie gave another nod allowing her eyes to close for a moment before opening them again when Dina shifted her hand back to her cheek, this time tracing the length of her jaw with her thumb.

"I'm sorry you got hurt because of me." Dina murmured softly.

"S'okay..." Ellie whispered back, keeping her eyes on Dina's and feeling her heart continue to race at the contact.

Ellie could feel herself melting under Dina's contact, underneath Dina's gaze and knew it wouldn't be long until she was putty in her hands.

Unable to take the tension anymore, Ellie rose to her feet, stretching her arms high above her head. She stepped over Dina's legs to take her glass to the kitchen table. She took a moment before turning around and leaning back on it to look back at Dina. To the girl who was perfect to her in every way.

Ripping herself away from her contact had been excruciating.

"You look good too, Dina." she finally spoke now that there was a healthy distance between them, gesturing at her with her hand.

"I feel better." she mumbled shyly. 

"I'm glad." Ellie smiled fondly. "I missed seeing you smile."

"Yeah?" Dina asked, looking up to meet Ellie's eyes, feeling the familiar motions of water behind her own.

"Yeah..." Ellie mumbled, raising her hand to rub at her sore cheek, still feeling the lingering warmth from Dina's hand.

"Why did you do it?" Dina asked, scrunching her nose. "Why did you save me?"

Ellie blinked slowly, bringing her drink to her lips. "You know why."

"But I was cruel to you." Dina frowned.

"I never would have not done it, Dina. You know that." 

Dina puffed out her cheeks before she brought her thumb up to her lips and bit her nail between her teeth, glancing up at the taller woman. "Ellie?"

"Hm?" she asked, tilting her head to the side, gripping the table behind her tightly.

"Why didn't you move on?" Dina asked hesitantly.

Ellie furrowed her brows and looked down. Dina allowed her time to think before she spoke. She could lie, but what was the point? Lying wouldn't get her anywhere and she really didn't want to. "I'm not like you, Dina."

Dina pulled a face at her.

"I thought about it sometimes..." she began and watched as Dina looked down, wondering if she regretted asking. "Cat." she paused. "She's pretty and she's been good to me. I thought about kissing her. I thought about kissing her the way I'd kissed you. But it never would have been like it was with you."

"But I hurt you. And I think part of me did it on purpose... Even though you were back, I think part of me hated you for what you did, for what you made me feel... I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, hurt you in ways that I wish I could take back." she paused, shaking her head. "Jack... Fuck." she again paused and shook her head harder.

"Who cares." Ellie interjected and shrugged.

"I care." Dina mumbled barely audible. "Don't you think you'll ever move on, Ellie?" she asked before Ellie could stop her.

Ellie took a deep breath, allowing herself to lean back on her hands and thought for a moment. She didn't really need to think about it, but she needed to compose herself enough to admit it.

"You're all I wanted." Ellie admitted with a small shrug, feeling a weight shift from her shoulders with the admission.

A long silence fell over the two, neither one wanting to yield to the silence first. It was Ellie who finally felt compelled to continue.

"You were the love of my life, Dina... Maybe one day I will." Ellie conceded, wanting to fill the air with anything other than silence. 

"I've come to terms with what I did. I understand that I can't go back and change it. Maybe when the time is right, or the right person comes along I might feel for them something similar to what I felt for you." she offered an unsure shrug. "Maybe. I don't think I'm there yet and I don't know if I ever will be."

"Alright." Dina spoke more softly than Ellie had ever heard her speak.

Ellie watched as she finished her drink and stood, running her hand over Koby's back as she started for the door. The pained look on her face killed her. Ellie gripped the wood of the table hard. She wanted to tell her to stay, grab her hand and pull her back into her, tell her how in love with her she was, how in love with her she always had been but she knew she couldn't do that.

If she wanted to continue to grow she had to let her go.

"Don't let the memories of me hold you back." Ellie finally said quietly before it was too late.

Dina turned, her hand shaking on the door handle.

"You deserve to move on. You deserve to be happy. Not everyone gets a second chance at that so don't waste it." Ellie offered a sad but sincere smile.

It hurt her but she meant it.

"What?" Dina managed to stutter out.

"Jack." Ellie offered with another small shrug.

"Oh." Dina shook her head. "He didn't... I didn't..."

Ellie raised her hand to stop her. "Goodnight, Dina."

Dina knitted her eyebrows tightly together and looked down before looking back at Ellie and only nodded before she left.

Ellie only sighed as she released her grip on the table. This shit was hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this will likely be my last update for a couple of days.  
> Every Saturday/Sunday (NZ Time. Friday/Saturday for you Americans) I don't have time to post due to my partner being home (They don't know I write anymore) and football commitments but will hopefully get the next one up early Monday morning for anyone hanging out for it.  
> Thought I'd let you all know so as not to leave you all hanging. I love reading all your comments, you're all so supportive. Keep them coming!


	27. Chapter 27

Ellie sipped her drink slowly, allowing herself to settle against the porch railing she had become familiar with during the evening, watching as Koby pranced around with the children of Jackson, retrieving every item they had thrown for him. 

Ellie could have called him back, but she figured the kids wouldn't be up for much longer, the sun had set a few hours ago meaning it was almost time for bed.

Maria and Tommy had decided it would be good for the town to get together and celebrate before it got too cold to be out. They had called it a celebration of life and love, of everything they were all thankful for but Ellie knew it was just an excuse to get the whole town together, an excuse to have a party and an excuse to show everyone they need not worry about the future as it was bright for Jackson. Dina was proof of that, they had saved her when she had been so near death.

Ellie hated the attention that came from it. The thank-yous and the praise, it just wasn't her. She knew Dina was getting the same, but different, the 'how are you feeling' and the 'íf you need help with anything'. She wondered how she was dealing with it.

She had to admit that they had done a good job decorating the church hall, both inside and out. It felt warm and inviting, bunting strewn around the rafters and fairy lights strung in no particular pattern across the room. They had done the same outside, dressing the outside and the trees. 

The children were squealing louder as they rushed over to a table, following closely behind Koby as he ran off.

She sighed as her eyes settled on the black haired-woman, watching as she sat down at the picnic table the kids were flocking to, with JJ on her lap, all the other children surrounding her closely, standing up on the seats of the table to peer over it and get closer, trying to see what she was up to. Whatever she was doing, it was clearly more interesting than the loud music, or twinkling lights. Dina always had that way around children though, they always gravitated towards her. 

Even Koby had ditched Ellie to go sit at Dina's feet. 

If it was anyone else, she would have felt betrayed by his actions but because it was Dina she only looked on fondly. She didn't blame him, in fact she felt a small amount of comfort that he was still protecting her when she couldn't. She would relinquish her own comfort of that for her.

She took another sip of her drink, pushing back that familiar feeling rising in her chest.

Dina looked up at her and smiled and Ellie smiled dopily back, raising her glass slightly to say hello to her.

Since she had been released from the hospital she had been looking better, every day looking more and more like herself and Ellie was thankful that she was finally back to being herself. For a while there she worried, too often thinking about how Dina was coping with everything. If she was okay with JJ, if she was getting enough sleep, if she was still feeling unwell.

She had wanted to offer her help, but thought better of it. She didn't want to get in the way of Dina and her new life, or cause issues in her relationships.

She felt at ease when she would see Dina though, her smile getting wider and wider every day.

Ellie dropped her gaze, looking down at her feet as she shifted slightly on the dirt. 

She had found it a little hard to adjust back to life after getting back from that hospital. She was tired and often found herself thinking of that glass room and how close she had been to death with nothing she could do about it, she could still hear the screams and she feared the infected she had released from within its depths. 

She had discussed the matter with Tommy and Maria though, and with their help she was beginning to process it all and she was certain in no time it would just be a distant memory.

But for now she held on to it, using it to help remind her the fragility of everything. Reminding her that everything that was here today could just as likely be gone tomorrow and she needed to cherish it.

As much as she hated the attention she was receiving for her good deeds, she felt proud of their community. If there was one thing they were good at it was coming together and making sure they were all taken care of, that they were all happy and healthy.

Maybe she was getting soft after all.

"Hey..."

Ellie looked up and smiled, blinking slowly at Dina. "Hey."

"What are you doing standing here all by yourself?" she asked, hands behind her back, leaning forward to peer at Ellie and matching her smile.

"Just needed a bit of a break. Everyone sort of talks to me now, it gets a bit much." she gestured with her hand at the people around them laughing and being happy.

Ellie lapped up Dina's laugh as she threw her head back and gave her a hearty one.

"Strange, huh? People liking you." she mocked, no malice behind her tone. "Who would have thought that they would eventually fall for your charm?"

Ellie only rolled her eyes and took another sip of her drink.

"Oh hey, I made you something." Dina beamed when Ellie lifted her head to meet her eyes.

"Huh?" she asked confused, furrowing her brows.

"Here!" she exclaimed, removing her hands from behind her back to show a piece of bright tissue paper that had been folded and cut into a crown.

Ellie watched her shift the delicate material in her hand and offer it to her before she tentatively reached out and took it from her. "A paper crown?"

Dina nodded proudly, allowing her fingers to linger against Ellie's skin for a moment before dropping her hands and holding them together in front of her. "It's not perfect... I sort of forgot how to make them a bit and all the better one's the kids sort of stole..." she motioned with her head back to the table.

Ellie furrowed her brow further in confusion, looking passed her to the table, to all the kids that sat there with their own bright paper crowns on their head.

She remembered when they were kids and Dina had made her one for her birthday. Back then it had meant everything to her, a symbol of being accepted and loved and feeling like she belonged for the first time in her life. She hadn't known that she was in love with Dina then, but she had known that what she felt for Dina was different than what she felt for her other friends. As she got older, spending more and more time with Dina she began to understand just what those feelings meant.

She wished she had known then what she knew now about their relationship.

"They're all going to kiss frogs and find their princes and princesses, like from their stories," Dina spoke, breaking Ellie out of her daze.

She looked back to Dina, tilting her head to the side in confusion at the gesture.

"Been a long time since I made you one of those, huh?" she laughed again albeit a little nervously.

Ellie finally conceded to her feelings and gave a lazy smile back. "A really long time."

Dina smirked and gave a small flex with her arm. "I'm still the best at making them, huh?"

"I dunno..." Ellie began, looking at her with mock skepticism. "They might have been more impressive when we were kids."

"Oh, you think so?" she asked, resting her hands on her hips and narrowing her eyes.

"They definitely seemed a lot bigger..." she remarked, shifting it around in her hands, careful not to put a single rip in the flimsy material.

Dina scoffed. "I can take it back, give it to someone who might appreciate it a bit more." she held her hand out expectantly.

"Nope." Ellie shook her head, pulling it close to her body. "It's mine now, you already gave it to me."

"Yeah but that was before you didn't appreciate it!" she arched an eyebrow at her.

Ellie smiled, tilting her head to the side. "Do you go around giving paper crowns to all the girls?"

Dina's lips curled into a lopsided smirk. "Only the ones I like."

"Oh?" Ellie asked, suddenly glad it was now dark and the heat on her cheeks would be hidden.

"Yeah, only the pretty ones too." Dina laughed, catching Ellie's embarrassed expression and wanting to further it.

"How many's that, then? Half the town?" Ellie nervously laughed, continuing the joke.

"Just one," Dina said softly, staring warming into Ellie's eyes.

There was a silence between them as they both spent time studying each other's gaze. Ellie wanted to ask her what she was doing, what she was trying to convey to her but she couldn't get the words out in the right way, getting all jumbled up in her head and truthfully she was happy with the moment they were spending together. Thankful that they weren't fighting or cursing the presence of each other. They were just existing.

"Put it on." Dina urged, her eyes bright and welcoming.

Ellie shook her head unsure, and looked down.

"I'll help." Dina mumbled softly, reaching for Ellie's hands and holding her small hands over hers for a moment before taking the crown from her hand and lifting it to Ellie's head, maneuvering it until it sat perfectly on the top of her head.

"What do you think?" Ellie asked tilting her head from side to side, carefully so as not to cause it to fall off.

"Perfect." Dina smiled wide.

"So which am I?" Ellie finally asked after she had allowed her mind to catch up with her body, fixing her eyes to Dina's. "The frog or the prince?"

Dina smiled a genuine smile watching Ellie with narrowed eyes before taking a small step closer to her and stood to her tiptoes, grazing her lips against Ellie's cheek and pausing briefly there to cherish the feeling of the warmth of them. "The prince now." she whispered close to her ear before dropping back down to her feet.

Ellie gulped back the lump in her throat, holding her gaze.

There was a commotion behind them, causing them to break their eye contact and Dina turned around only to have her legs tackled by a group of the children she had been sitting with earlier. Ellie could have stayed in that moment for a lifetime, staring into Dina's eye's without any expectations of what anything meant but at the same time was thankful it had ended, not having to have a further conversation about it all.

"Dina!" they yelled in unison. "Come play with us some more."

"Please!"

"We need your help."

Dina looked up to Ellie apologetically. "I'll see you later tonight?" she asked, almost begging.

Ellie only nodded, bringing her drink to her lips, watching as Dina walked away, the kids in tow, every so often glancing back in her direction.

The heat remained on her cheeks as she shook her head, glancing around the friendly faces to try and distract herself. It wasn't long until her eyes met Jack's and she suddenly remembered exactly where she stood, put back in her place. Like her he was stood off to the side, keeping an eye on Dina.

Ellie didn't feel hatred or contempt for him though, she didn't really feel much for him at all. He had definitely lost her respect and she chose not to give him much thought, always thinking back to the night that he had refused to help Dina if he did happen to cross her mind.

She knew he didn't deserve her, but in her eyes, neither did she and at the end of the day, the decision was never hers.

"Ellie!" Cat yelled, bounding over to her, holding Victoria's hand tightly as she dragged her in tow.

"You're late." Ellie reminded her with an arched brow.

Cat only rolled her eyes. "Victoria takes a while to get ready."

"Sorry." Victoria grinned. 

"You're going to come play a game with us, Ellie." Cat said as she reached out for Ellie's hand, now dragging both her and Victoria towards the church doors.

"Uh, what game?" Ellie asked, stumbling forward.

Ellie's eyes briefly met Dina's as she was pulled passed.

"A drinking game of course." Cat grinned.

"Are we even allowed to do that... you know, in here?" Ellie asked, only to be tugged more roughly by Cat who had shot her a stern look.

* * *

  
"So, everyone places their glasses on the table." Cat started as she did so first and she paused while all the people at the table did so too. "You take this coin and you try and bounce it into someone else's glass." she smiled deviously. "If you get it in someone's glass they have to drink the whole thing, if you miss you just take a sip of your own and it's whoever you aimed for's turn."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "So essentially you're just aiming to get everyone trashed."

"No!"Cat exclaimed, the same smile still on her face. "Well, yes... but it's strategic!"

"Let's do it." Dave yelled, pumping his fist in the air.

"Yeah, I'm down." Victoria grinned, glancing at Cat.

The rest of the kids agreed and finally Ellie conceded that she would play for a little bit.

"Alright, I'll go first." Cat laughed, taking a moment to aim before bouncing the coin on its side cleanly into Ellie cup earning a chorus of laughter from the group.

Ellie frowned, looking from her cup to the girl opposite her who had put it in. "What the fuck, Cat?"

"Beginner's luck." she shrugged with a smirk. "Drink up, Champ."

Ellie grumbled as she lifted the drink to her lips, gulping it down in one movement before grabbing the coin out the bottom and dropping it to the table for it to be instantly refilled by Dave.

She arched en eyebrow at Cat before doing the same as she had, taking aim only for it to hit the rim and land on the table beside it. She groaned louder, why couldn't it just go in.

Cat laughed, holding her sides tightly. "Nice try, Ellie. I'll forgive you picking on me this time... but don't do it again."

Ellie couldn't help but smile as Cat took aim for another glass. 

The game continued as the group got more boisterous with the more alcohol they consumed. Ellie was sure she was getting better the more the game went on but it also could have just been the alcohol making her feel that way because she honestly couldn't even remember how many times she had sunk the coins in someone else's cup.

Every time Cat looked at Ellie she would groan and beg her to aim for someone else. Sometimes she would, some times she wouldn't. Ellie knew she had planned this, she was too good for her to just conveniently pick this game. She was thankful she wasn't just picking on her though, Victoria had earned most of the brunt but other than that it was spread relatively easily.

"I vote we kick Cat from the table." Victoria slurred after finishing her drink and placing it back down on the table. 

Cat grinned, grabbing the bottle of alcohol from the middle of the table and topping up her glass. "Don't hate the player, hate the game." she said mockingly.

Victoria nudged her side. "I'll hate whoever I damn well want and it's unfair you're so good. You work in a bar."

"Yeah!" the rest of the table agreed, Ellie the loudest of all of them.

Cat just shrugged. "Y'all are just sore losers. Hurry up and throw the coin."

Ellie turned the coin in her hand, letting it glide across her fingers, thinking for a moment of who she was going to pick on. She wanted it to be Cat but didn't want it coming back at her with more accuracy than she had.

"Hey guys, can I join?" a soft voice asked from behind Ellie.

She turned to look and smiled at Dina, giving a nod. 

"Yeah, someone has to take Cat down a peg or two." Dave groaned, dropping his head to his arms on the table, definitely having too much to drink.

Dina smiled back and nudged Dave a little to shuffle over, taking a seat next to Ellie with her drink. "What are the rules?"

"I don't really know..." Ellie arched an eyebrow at Cat before turning her attention to Dina and dropping her eyes to her glass. Reaching over she dropped the coin in it. "Drink up, though."

"That's cheating!" Cat laughed, the group erupting into chaos.

"Are you cheating, Ellie?" Dina asked as she took her glass in her hand, inspecting the metal at the bottom of it.

Ellie only smiled, meeting Dina's skeptical gaze before shrugging. "Drink up."

Dina did as Ellie told her and drank the entire contents before placing it back down and wiping her lips with the back of her hand.  
"You're not allowed to pick on me..." Ellie whispered quietly to her.

Dina laughed. "Oh, like you didn't just pick on me? Rich coming from you."

Ellie did her best to feign innocence earning a small shake of her head from Dina as she turned her attention to the opposite side of the table. Ellie leaned closer to her, whispered tips, both good and bad to her. She watched as Dina narrowed her eyes, seemingly trying to judge the distance of the cup in front of her and bounced the coin, it hitting the rim before teetering into the cup.

Dina pumped her fist in the air, the table erupting into cheers and Dave throwing his arms around her shoulders to give her an excited shake. "Drink up, Cat." she finally said with a grin.

"Yeah, Yeah. Settle down." Cat pursed her lips and picked up her cup in front of her, bringing it to her lips and finishing the drink in one gulp. 

Ellie beamed at Dina, nudging her with her shoulder. "Yeah, keep doing that."

"Beginners luck!" Cat guffawed, as she took the coin preparing to aim for Dina's cup before switching to Ellie's, sinking it immediately.

"Cat!"Ellie yelled, dropping her shoulders in defeat.

"It's only fair! Now we're even." she grinned sheepishly, moving her eyes from Ellie's to meet Dina's.

With reluctance Ellie swallowed the liquid, feeling it burn her throat on the way down. Taking the coin she offered it to Dina. "Take her down, please."

"Have you found a game you're not good at, Ellie?" Dina teased, taking it from her fingers.

"Ellie's fucking terrible." Cat laughed, banging her hand on the table. 

"For fuck's sake, don't you both gang up on me. And I'm great! I got that one that one time..." she trailed off with a mumble.

Dina took aim for Ellie, bouncing the coin again almost perfectly into Cat's glass. She met her eyes and gave a smug smile.

"Oh, you want to go?" Cat asked, taking the cup in her hand and holding Dina's smile.

"Yeah, let's go." Dina nodded, resting her elbows on the table and leaning forward.

Cat snorted and finished her drink, placing it back down to pour another, sliding the cup closer to Dina to give her an easier shot, daring her to do it again. "Ellie needs all the help she can get, I suppose."

"Are you surprised?" Dina countered, doing the same with her glass. "It's Ellie."

Ellie groaned, bringing her hand to her forehead. Having them team up on her would be dangerous and it was not something she wanted to happen, especially in her inebriated state. She wouldn't back down, but she definitely shouldn't have anything more to drink.

She was having fun though, it had been a long time since all her friends had hung out in such a light-hearted way. In a setting where they could all just be kids.

She found herself staring for too long, enjoying Dina and Cat's back and forth at her expense. She couldn't stop the memories from coming flooding back. 

Cat aimed the coin, choosing to shoot for Ellie's again instead of Dina's and sinking her shot. 

"You're gonna get it." Ellie groaned, clumsily reaching down and grabbing the glass.

She was confused when she felt a soft hand snaked around hers. She looked up to meet Dina's soft gaze, a small lopsided smile on her face. 

"You've had enough. I've got you." she whispered softly as she maneuvered her fingers from the glass and brought it to her own lips, finishing it for Ellie. 

Ellie nodded and smiled at her before looking down nervously, the familiar feeling in her gut returning.

"Look at you fighting her battles for her." Cat said teasingly.

Dina gave a laugh and sunk the coin in Cat's cup in return. "It's not fair to pick on someone so terrible. She can't help she's bad at the game."

The table split off, each person picking sides as Dina and Cat faced off, throwing teasing banter at each other. If one sunk one, the other would and vice versa if they missed. The table cheered on excitedly, mostly thankful that they weren't the ones that were bearing the brunt of how ridiculously good the girl's aim was.

Ellie sat closely beside Dina, she wasn't sure when they had moved closer nor was she sure if it was her or Dina that had closed the gap. She didn't really care. Their thighs brushed together and the more time that passed, the more sober Ellie became the more aware she became of all the contact she was receiving from the shorter woman. All the arms around her waist or the hands-on her thighs as she excitedly cheered with her.

The more aware of her surroundings the more aware she became of the smug glances Cat was not only shooting Dina, but also shooting her.

Ellie was sure she had the dopiest of expressions on her face but she didn't care.

"Alright, I give!" Cat finally exclaimed, dropping her head to the table. "I've had too much to drink." She didn't even move with Victoria did, stepping behind her and leaning down to wrap her arms around her neck and rest on her back.

The table erupted in both cheers and groans depending on what side they had picked. They urged Cat to keep going but she had tapped out. 

Dina grinned, turning to Ellie and pulling her into a tight hug, a drunk Dave reaching around Dina's back to join their hug. Ellie didn't care, she felt happy just enjoying the feeling of their bodies melded together.

"I think I need to get some air." Dina huffed, fanning at her face. 

"Ellie will go out with you." Cat grinned, lifting her head from the table to look at Ellie.

Ellie only rolled her eyes. "Yes, I will."

They moved out of their seat and Dina reached down to grab Ellie's hand, leading her out of the church, her fingers tightly clasping Ellie's.

Ellie unsure only let it happen, tightening her grip on Dina's and allowing herself to be lead.

"I had fun tonight." Dina huffed as she stepped out in the cold air. "It was nice hanging out with everyone like that."

"Yeah." Ellie agreed.

"And Cat was pretty bearable tonight. Nice even." she added, raising an eyebrow at Ellie as they stood next to each other, staring out at the night sky before them.

"She's not too bad once you get to know her." Ellie replied looking down at her feet.

"I think I enjoyed most getting to hang out with you..." Dina began, following Ellie's cue and looking down. "We haven't had the chance to do that in a long time. I miss my best friend."

"... I miss you too." Ellie finally spoke after a long silence.

"I'd like it if we could do that again," Dina said softly, a hint of questioning in her tone.

Ellie hummed and stepped away from Dina, turning to lean back against the porch railing, using it to steady herself and drawing in a deep breath, using the air to steady her thoughts. Dina moved, turning to lean against the wall opposite her, keeping her eyes fixed to her, studying her every movement.

Ellie needed to put distance between their bodies before she did something she would regret, she didn't want to but knew that for now, she needed to.

Ellie was aware of it but she couldn't pull her body away from her stare. She enjoyed it and she was sick of running away. Sick of pretending she didn't enjoy something that she did.

"What?" Ellie finally asked, tilting her head to the side.

"You're the one that keeps staring at me, Ellie." Dina whispered alcohol heavily on her breath.

Ellie shrugged and looked down.

"Why do you do that? Always just shrug, why don't you just say what's on your mind?" Dina asked, heat rising to her cheeks.

"Because I think you're pretty." Ellie finally spoke.

"What?" Dina asked narrowing her eyes.

"I stare because I think you're pretty." Ellie repeated, increasing the volume of her tone so that the words couldn't be misinterpreted. "So I like looking at you."

It wasn't very eloquent but it was honest.

Dina shook her head and looked down. "I don't feel it these days." she mumbled softly.

Ellie looked down suddenly feeling a mix of anger and sadness rising in her chest. "I'm sorry he doesn't make you feel that way."   
Ellie watched as Dina looked up and met her eye, opening her mouth to speak before closing it and pursing her lips, certain that she was going to tell her something but she had stopped herself.

Ellie wracked her brain about what it might have been but couldn't come to any logical conclusion. Maybe she was just going to argue the fact with her.

"Dina?" a low voice asked, stepping out of the darkness into the light of the lantern that hung from the roof.

Dina glanced at Ellie before turning her attention back to Jack, then finally looking down.

"Can we talk?" he asked, his eyes settling on Ellie as he stepped forward, reaching his arm towards Dina and curling his fingers around her forearm.

Dina pulled her arm away and shook her head hard. "There's nothing to talk about, Jack."

"We need to talk." He frowned, balling his hands into fists. "We should talk about it."

Dina looked up and her eyes met Ellie's. She wasn't sure what it had meant but she had heard enough, no one deserved to be spoken to with that tone. She placed her arm between Dina and Jack, looking up to the taller man.

"She said she didn't want to talk." she spoke calmly through clenched teeth.

"I don't think that's any of your business." he spat back, staring hard at her.

"It's not but Dina has told you that she doesn't want to talk to you, so maybe you should leave." she replied, stepping further between the two.

"Back off, Ellie." he growled, stepping into her and shoving her shoulder.

"Ellie." Dina murmured, grabbing the back of her shirt and giving it a gentle tug to get her attention.

Ellie reached up and shoved him back. "Look, whatever is going on, you two can talk about it later. Don't ruin the town's night." 

He went to square back up to her only to be shoved away again, Ellie knew he wouldn't dare hit her so she had some leverage but knew she had to be careful not to escalate the situation. She had no intention of having anything further to do with Jack.

"Ellie." Dina growled behind her, tugging her shirt harder. 

The auburn-haired girl stopped and turned around to face her, meeting her angry eyes that flittered between her and Jack.

"Stop. Jack, get out of here. Ellie, I don't need you to fight my battles for me." Dina yelled, throwing her hands to her sides. 

Jack looked down like a scolded child.

Ellie did the same, frowning as she looked down. She listened as Jack shifted behind her, the sound of his footsteps getting quieter as he walked away.

He was gone but Dina's anger didn't dissipate.

"Why did you do that?" she asked, her hands balled tightly at her sides.

Ellie shrugged again, a movement she was sure would make Dina madder but she couldn't help it. "He can't talk to you that way."  


"And you think I need you to fight my battles for me?" Dina growled, her eyes burning with anger.

Ellie felt small.

A feeling that she hadn't felt in a long time. A feeling that came from being told off by someone that held some kind of authority over you, someone that you deeply cared about.

"No..." she finally mumbled, wishing she hadn't had so much to drink tonight. "It's not like that."

"No? Then what is it?" 

Ellie only shrugged again, the words not coming to her very easily.

"Why don't you just fucking tell me how you feel for once?" Dina yelled frustratedly, stepping closer to Ellie.

Tell her how she felt? She wasn't sure she would be able to do that. Too much had happened for her to feel comfortable doing so. Thought's of Jack would always flood her mind, thoughts of questioned morals. She wouldn't want anyone to do to her what she wanted to do to someone else, regardless of how she felt for them.

"Just tell me how you fucking feel, Ellie." Dina spoke angrily, her frustration and anger quickly growing with Ellie's silence.

"...I can't." Ellie choked out, looking up to meet her eyes for the first time and regretting it.

Dina shoved her roughly in the chest. "You love me, I heard you. I heard you say it so why can't you say it to me now?" she yelled, giving her another shove.

"Dina, I can't say it to you." Ellie replied with a shake of her head, stepping forward to regain any ground she had lost.

"So you don't anymore?"

Ellie only shook her head, trying to come up with something that would keep her out of trouble but failing.

Dina only shoved her back again. "All I wanted was for you to fucking try. For you to fight for me. For you to step up when it mattered."

"Dina, I did try..." Ellie mumbled. 

"Going to that hospital? Ellie..." Dina growled frustratedly with a shake of her head. "I wouldn't have even known that happened if Robin hadn't told me, if Tommy hadn't told me. I had to find out from half the town what you did. Why can't you ever just talk to me?" she finished, her anger waning.

"I can't make you chose me, Dina." Ellie spoke softly, searching Dina's eye for anything that would help her press forward.

Dina only shook her head and looked away from her. "Are you really that dense, Ellie?" she asked, taking a further step back from her to put some distance between them.

Ellie wanted to speak, wanted to tell her everything she had kept pent up since she had arrived back in Jackson but nothing would come out. The only thing threatening to escape her lips was admitting that she was indeed that dense. 

It wasn't long before too much time had passed and Dina was stepping further away from her, further down the steps and away from arms reach. Putting as much distance between them as she could.

"Goodnight, Ellie."

Ellie leaned back against the wall, looking down hard at the ground and feeling sorry for herself. Why couldn't she get this right?  


She dug her hand into her jacket pocket and pulled out the neatly folded crown, gently unfolding it and holding it delicately in her hand as if any movement would cause it to crumble.


	28. Chapter 28

Cat flicked Ellie's forehead hard. 

"Ow!" Ellie grumbled rubbing her head with her hand. "What the fuck was that for?"

"You're an idiot." Cat only laughed.

"Yeah, but what's new there?" she grumbled. "What's wrong with me saying this isn't as good as usual?" she asked, gesturing at the plate in front of her. 

"This is why you don't have a girlfriend, Ellie!" Cat groaned in frustration.

"I mean, it's still good!" Ellie yelled back. "Just not... as good."

Cat lifted the plate from her, taking it away from her.

"Hey! I was eating that!" Ellie complained, trying to grab the plate from her hands before it was too far from her grasp.

Cat only tutted. "But you don't like it."

"Please..." Ellie begged, holding her stomach dramatically. "I'm hungry and I'm wasting away."

Cat only rolled her eyes and put the plate back down in front of her. "You can't get away with that anymore, you're not a bag of bones."

Ellie grinned and offered her a thumbs up in return as she began to shovel the remaining food in her mouth before the blonde tried to take it away from her.

Cat sighed and rested her hand on her hip. "You're going to have to make it up to me."

"I am?" Ellie asked, her mouth full of food.

Cat nodded.

Ellie swallowed the lump of food hard, momentarily having it lodged in her throat before she managed to loosen it. "How?"

"Hmm... how about... One kiss on the cheek." Cat smirked, turning her face to present her cheek to the younger girl.

Ellie blushed a deep red, she had managed to navigate the lump of food in her mouth to choke on her spit. "Cat!"

"I'm only kidding." she laughed, waving her hands in the air dismissively. "But I'll think of something good, don't you worry."

* * *

"It's not easy, is it?"

Dina looked up momentarily before going back to playing with her food with the fork in her hand. "Oh, hey Tommy."

Tommy sat down next to her and raised his eyes to Cat and Ellie at the bar. As Cat shamelessly flirted and Ellie continued to be dense about it. He smiled and shook his head.

"It gets easier." he finally said quietly to her.

"Does it?" she asked softly, resting her head in her hand and trying her best to be doing anything else but look at the scene before her. She didn't need to look though, she could hear them. The chorus of laughter and back and forth banter.

Every laugh making her more painfully aware that Ellie had been ignoring her since that night. She could name more than one reason why and every single one of them was her fault.

"It does if you want it to. Remember, she had to watch the exact same thing." he said sternly, glancing at Dina before turning his attention back to Ellie at the bar.

"Yeah, I know." Dina sighed hard.

Tommy shrugged. "You haven't lost her, you know?"

"Huh?" Dina asked, turning her head to look at the older man beside her.

"She still asks about you." he quickly added to not leave the question in the air.

"No, she doesn't." Dina shook her head and looked down.

Tommy laughed and shifted in the seat. "Alright, you believe what you want to believe."

"She does?" Dina asked after a moment, her tone betraying the excitement she was trying to hide.

This time Tommy only nodded.

"I feel like the worlds biggest idiot." she mumbled barely above a whisper, raising her head to look at Cat and Ellie as they continued to joke together. 

"Not the biggest one, I reckon. What I reckon is Ellie is a bigger idiot than the both of us combined." He laughed. "Denser than a sack of... denser than a sack of potatoes."

Dina laughed along with him.

Ellie had heard Dina's laugh and she turned around and smiled softly at her. The same dopey smile that Dina had fallen in love with.  


"Cat's a good girl, isn't she?" Tommy asked, looking to the side to dance at Dina.

"She's... Sure, she's something." Dina replied, pursing her lips.

Tommy again laughed. "I'm pretty sure she described you almost the exact same way."

Dina shot him a look that conveyed her annoyance at the topic before she sighed in acceptance. "Cat's good for Ellie, I know that. Doesn't mean I like it... I thought it would get easier." she admitted.

Tommy thought hard. "I remember when Maria kicked me out... shit, I was a piece of crap back then." he smiled, looking down at the ring on his finger. "I wasn't sure if she would ever forgive me. Heck, I couldn't even forgive myself. I think time really does heal everything. You're doing well now. Ellie is doing really well now."

"She seems happy."

"I think she is." Tommy agreed. "But I think there's still something missing." he turned and smiled kindly. "Sometimes you can see it when you look at her in the eyes."

Dina looked down. "What do I do, Tommy?"

He gave her a reassuring pat on the back. "You know I can't tell you that. You'll do the right thing."

She watched in silence as Tommy rose to his feet, leaving her sitting alone in the booth and went over to Ellie at the bar.

Dina couldn't stop thinking about that night, wishing Ellie had just told her that she loved her. Wanting any reaction from her other than silence or acceptance. She needed just a glimpse of anger or that passion to show her that she still wanted her, that she still needed her but she never got it.

She wanted it to be more than some obligation that Ellie had that made her feel like she needed to protect her.

She didn't need that, she could protect herself. 

She sighed, reaching up and rubbing at her face. 

How did she expect Ellie to be honest when she couldn't even be honest with her?

_Dina strolled in her house, making straight for the kitchen where she grabbed a glass, poured a drink of alcohol from the nearest bottle, and brought it straight to her lips. Placing it back down on the bench, she rested her hand on the edge, gripping the wood so tightly the edge dug into her palm harshly._

_She understood now why Ellie had been so consumed by getting lost in alcohol every night. It made it easier to deal with the pain, to go through the daily motions of pushing down old feelings and avoid conversations she should have been having._

_She exhaled hard._

_It had been two days since she left the hospital, she was tired but thankfully had started to feel more like herself. Since waking up she had healed remarkably fast, knowing it was the medication she had been given. She was glad for that, every moment stuck in that bed was torture, and not being allowed to even get up by herself had frustrated her. She couldn't blame Jane or the staff though, they were just doing their job and doing their best to make sure she was okay and not pushing herself too hard._

_Dina tensed as she felt two arms snake around her waist, pulling her back into his body and she mentally scolded herself for not paying attention to her surroundings._

_Her heart thumped in her chest and she found herself wondering if he could feel the uneven rhythm. If he could, he never said anything._

_"Hey." he murmured close to her ear, burying his face in her hair. "Where'd you get to tonight?"_

_She shook him loose, turning around in his arms and pushing him a few steps away from her. "I was just at Robin and Gray's house with JJ, I ended up staying for a few drinks. JJ is staying with them tonight, they reckon I need to get some more rest. They want to have him tomorrow night too to help me continue to heal." she offered with a soft voice, reaching up to rub the back of her neck, hoping he would get the hint._

_"Oh." he pursed his lips together, a small smirk appearing on his lips as he stepped back into her, slipping his fingers under the hem of her shirt and resting his hands on her hips, digging his nails into her flesh._

_Dina tried to take a step back to create some distance between them but she was pinned to the counter._

_He ducked his head, placing rough kisses to the side of her neck. "Does that mean I can stay tonight?"_

_She closed her eyes tight and rested her hands against his chest, gently she pushed him back. "Not tonight."_

_"Come on." he breathed heavily against her neck, shifting his fingers to the hem of her jeans and giving it a tug._

_Before Dina could respond he kissed her and she felt sick, his lips crashing hard against hers, rough and fast, moving with a rhythm that she would never be able to match, like two puzzle pieces that were never going to fit together._

_She wouldn't allow herself to be cut to fit him._

_She felt sick every day knowing that he had stayed and Ellie had gone. Did he know that she had heard everything? She felt sick knowing what she had done to Ellie, how much she had hurt her with a stupid romance that had never meant anything to her._

_Holding out for promises than she would never even allow him to fulfill._

_She felt sick for what she was about to do but it had gone on too long._

_"Not right now." she rasped, shoving him back harder with more urgency and causing him to stumble, crashing into the kitchen table._

_"What the fuck, Dina?" he asked, a mean scowl on his face._

_"I said not tonight, Jack." she replied harshly, returning his frown._

_"Are we ever going to?" he yelled, throwing his hand to the side. "We've been together a long fucking time."_

_Dina looked down, furrowing her brow."I just don't want to, Jack."_

_"Is it Ellie?" he spat with contempt._

_They had had far too many arguments about the other girl. No matter what it always seemed to come back to her ex in some roundabout way._

_Whether or not she should see Ellie. Whether or not JJ should be allowed to see Ellie. Every memory she tied back to Ellie. Every smile she had while thinking about Ellie._

_He had asked her if she still loved her but every time she lied, telling him he was being stupid._

_She wanted to argue, wanted to deny it but she couldn't. It had always been Ellie._

_"Fuck." he groaned, rubbing at his face with his hands and falling into the chair at the table. "It's always fucking, Ellie."_

_Dina gripped the counter again hard, willing the wood to splinter and pierce her skin, wanting any feeling to ease the bile rising in her throat. "This isn't working, Jack."_

_"Of course it's not. You won't fucking let her go. What has she done to deserve you? She left you, don't you remember? I've been right here. I've always been right here." he growled, gesturing with his hands frustratedly._

_Dina shrugged, shrugged as Ellie had always shrugged._

_"What is it, then? Why?" he shook his head, trying to look her in the eyes._

_"You let her go on her own." she replied, looking up at him with stormy eyes, dark and brooding._

_"Not you too." he sighed. "You were fine, you would have made it anyway. Someone had to stay with you."_

_"You would have let her die trying to save me." Dina finally yelled, slamming her hand back on the bench._

_"Maybe she should have died trying, then maybe we wouldn't be arguing about her. Again. How many times are we going to have the same argument?"_

_"You don't get it." Dina groaned frustratedly, motioning to her than motioning to him. "This isn't love. This was never love. The fact that you just said that about another person regardless of who it was shows me that."_

_"And what you had with her was? She left you, Dina. I've been here the whole time trying to fix you." he asked, folding his arms defensively across his chest._

_"Would you have told me?" Dina asked flatly._

_"Told you what?" he yelled angrily._

_"About what she did. Or would you have been happy continuing to let me think that you were a good boyfriend, staying by my side and nursing me back to health?" she spoke softly as she tilted her head to the side, taking a deep breath to calm herself down so as not to yell back at him._

_"Dina..." he began._

_"Because that's fucked up, Jack." she scoffed._

_"She didn't want anyone to tell you what she did! She was happy with you not knowing, isn't that more messed up?" he moaned in exasperation, trying desperately to deflect the conversation away with himself._

_She shook her head._

_"She wouldn't even tell you herself, doesn't care for you enough to be honest with you." he started as he rose to his feet, taking a tentative step towards her._

_"She saved my life. Why didn't you go?" she asked, crossing her hands over her chest protectively._

_Jack opened his mouth to speak but stopped himself as he looked down at his feet._

_"Why?" Dina pressed._

_"I was scared, alright?" he replied through clenched teeth. "It was a fucking suicide mission, I didn't want to die. She barely made it back alive! She was messed up bad. Would you want me to die with her?"_

_Dina smiled and looked down knowing he just didn't get it._

_"I didn't expect you to go, I never expected her to go." she quickly added. "But don't you think the fact that she offered counted for something? Even if she didn't end up going or if she came back without going. Did you even consider going?"_

_He opened his mouth to speak but stopped himself, instead he shook his head slowly and looked down._

_"I never would have wanted you to go, I'm glad you didn't. I would have rather died than have you go." she choked out, her voice faltering._

_"Then what the fuck is this?" he asked angrily, growing fed up with the situation._

_"I don't love you, Jack." Dina finally said, meeting his gaze._

_"Did you ever love me?" he asked quickly, his voice finally breaking._

_Dina swallowed the lump in her throat and shook her head. "I don't know."_

_It felt good being honest._

_"Seriously? Fucking, Ellie?" he yelled back, his voice growing louder._

_Dina exhaled deeply._

As soon as she had found out what had happened while she was sick she had ended thing with Jack. It had been a long time coming and she had no defense why it hadn't happened sooner. She wanted to pretend like it could all be okay, that one day they would just click and have that same spark she felt with Ellie but it never came.

He pushed the matter so she always gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was sweet to her when he wanted to be and part of her craved the attention of someone who loved her but every other day at least the insecurities surrounding Ellie would make themselves known and there would be another argument.

Sometimes Dina didn't mind though, she liked Ellie's name on her tongue. The only name that didn't feel foreign and wrong.

Other times she just wished Jack would break it off with her and make it easier for her but he never did. She felt guilty for the way she had used him, she hadn't always intended for this to be the way it went. In the beginning, she sincerely thought that maybe he could be the one that would help her forget, but as more and more time went on she just became more painfully aware it wasn't going to last.

The hospital had been the last straw.

And as hard as it had been for Dina, she knew that Jack felt the same way. He just didn't want to admit it as much as she didn't. She didn't want to be wrong and she didn't want the fact that she had purposefully pushed Ellie away to mean nothing, for the pain that she felt from it to mean nothing.

But it had and she knew that it never should have happened this way.

She was thankful she had never let JJ get too close to him. She had considered it, thought that maybe seeing them together would make her feel something more for him then she did but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She didn't want JJ to lose someone else.  


She looked up from the table, studying Ellie as she sat there casually looking at Cat with a grin on her face, wishing she could look at her that way again. Wishing she had more than just moments of it with Ellie over the past months.

Why had it been so hard to tell her that she had broken it off with Jack?

She asked herself, but she knew. It was the same reason Ellie didn't want to tell her about how she put herself in danger to save her. She didn't want her to feel an obligation to feel something because she did it for her. She didn't want that hanging in the air to force her to make a decision on what she wanted. 

If Ellie wanted to be with her, she needed to come to that conclusion herself.

She wasn't sure how many signals she had to give Ellie before she could catch the hint that she wanted her to show her that she was what she needed, that she was what she wanted. She couldn't help but get frustrated every time Ellie gave her a little bit of what she wanted but then was quick to take it all away, pretending like she didn't want to go further.

She knew it was stupid but the thoughts of Ellie leaving her and their child alone on the farm were still raw and stored in the back of her mind.

Ellie was the one that left, she needed Ellie to come back to her ready to try so she could properly forgive her.

Dina knew that maybe that was stupid, but she was still scared that Ellie wasn't a permanent fixture in every's life yet. She had been certain before and didn't want to be wrong again. She needed Ellie to come to that conclusion herself and be that fixture she needed her to be.

Every time Ellie took that step away from her and her feelings, Dina promised it would be the last time but she knew that no matter how many times she turned tail and ran from her feelings she would be waiting patiently for the one time she didn't. 

Dina felt a weight on her lap and she looked down to meet he calm eyes of Koby. Instinctively she ran her hands through the coat on top of his head, giving him a soft pat.

"You shouldn't be over here, boy." she whispered, taking a fry off her plate anyway and offering it to him. "Don't tell her or you'll get me in trouble." she smiled, increasing the intensity of her pats in the way she knew he liked.

"Koby! Come." Ellie yelled from her seat.

Koby glanced over at her before turning his attention back to Dina and dropping the weight of his head back in her lap, deliberately disobeying her. 

Dina gave a small laugh, giving him one finally pat before lifting her arms up in surrender.

"Koby. Come here." Ellie said strongly.

The dog this time turned to look at her completely before again turning his back to Ellie and facing Dina, looking up at her and panting happily.

"Sorry!" Dina waved over at Ellie. "Maybe I just smell like food." she shrugged apologetically but still reached down to pat him some more.

"It's okay." Ellie said as she slid off the stool and stormed over, gently tugging on Koby's ear to get his attention. "Sorry, I don't know what has gotten into him. Normally he listens... you know he does." she added when she still couldn't get the dog to budge.

Dina only laughed, watching Ellie try to move the stationary dog.

Ellie crouched down beside him, knee resting on the ground to try and reason with him but still he ignored her. She looked up to meet Dina's eyes and gave an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry if he's bothering you." she offered a sincere apology.

"No." Dina shook her head. "He's not. You know I love Koby."

"Yeah." Ellie mumbled, absentmindedly reaching an arm around him and rubbing his side. "He gets a bit weird sometimes. He's probably not right in the head." she laughed as she knocked her head into his.

"Like you." Dina teased, smiling at the two. "Look, Ellie..." she began, pausing for a moment as she searched for the words. "I just wanted to say sorry for the other night. I was drunk and stupid."

"Dina it's okay." Ellie murmured, looking up to meet her eye.

"Yeah, I know... But I just wanted you to know that I'm here. I know you have Cat, but if you ever did want to talk to me... about anything, I'd listen." she thought for a moment about looking away from Ellie's green eyes but couldn't bring herself too, unsure when she would get to look into them again. "You don't have to think about everything I said too much, at the end of the day I just want you to be happy and to do what makes you happiest. You know that's all I want for you, right?"

"Dina..." Ellie began but nodded in response. "I know. I've been thinking about what you said..."

Dina lifted her hand to stop her this time and shook her head. "I just wanted you to know that, Ellie. I really care about you and I'm so glad you're doing better now."

"Yeah, I am," Ellie spoke softly.

Dina exhaled before smiling warmly. "I think Cat's trying to get your attention." she gestured with her head towards the black-haired girl at the bar who looked as if she was trying to get Ellie to look at her. 

Ellie stole one more look at Dina before she turned to look at Cat who after all that pretended to just be tidying, glancing up at Ellie every few seconds. 

"You better get back to her." Dina offered her.

"Yeah..." Ellie replied with a small shake of her head. "Yeah. I'll see you around, Dina."

"See you, Ellie."

She watched Ellie's figure as she went back over to the bar, appearing to be scolded by Cat as Ellie talked to her. Dina gave Koby a small shove and whispered for him to go, he looked back before reluctantly moving on to all fours and slowly stalking back to Ellie's side.

* * *

Dina sat down on the couch, ready for a quiet night.

She had just put JJ down and he was fast asleep the second his head had hit the pillow. She wished that sleep would come just as easily to her, but that was a wish she would never be granted, knowing that had never truly happened since her night at Ellie's house.

She gripped her drink tightly in her hand and sat back, resting her back against the couch and tilting her head over the back of it.  
She wasn't sure what she should do anymore.

Her mind wouldn't let her do what her body wanted her to.

Every night her body wanted her to run to Ellie's door and throw herself into her arms, begging her to take her back so she could lay in her arms again, so she could feel at peace. Her mind however reminded her that that couldn't happen, that Ellie couldn't even admit that she wanted the same thing.

She didn't have any defense for not doing it other than that. 

Instead, she settled into one of Ellie's old flannel shirts as her sleepwear, cursing the fact that it was beginning to smell more like herself than her ex-girlfriend.

Night's were when she felt the loneliness. When everyone else was in their house with their loved ones. Robin and Gray had offered for her to stay with them but she just couldn't follow them up on it. It wouldn't have been fair for them to see her fall apart at the seams. She loved them very much but she wasn't their burden.

The last thing she wanted to do was appear weak to anyone.

They hadn't been surprised when she broke things off with Jack, she was sure that they didn't like him either but they were too polite to say anything. 

She did her best not to think about Ellie, but no matter what she did her mind always went there. Constantly wondering what it would take for her to get her to come back to her, what it would take to get her to react. She wanted to be around her more and more, every time she had a second with her she wanted a minute and every time she had a minute she wanted an hour but every time it was always cut short.

If they just had time she was sure they would be able to work it out.

But there was never enough time.

Sitting back up, she finally rose to her feet and padded down the hallway to her room before sitting on the bed. Tentatively she reached out and opened the drawer of her bedside table, reaching in and pulling out the bound book she had taken from Ellie the night she came back to town.

She gently ran her hand over the worn cover before flipping it open, the pages even more worn and torn, frayed on the edges and creased from the nights Dina spent reading it and crying into it. She had to be even more careful with it now, worried that soon she would make it illegible and she wouldn't be able to read it anymore.

She always felt a pang of guilt when she picked it up, wondering how Ellie would react knowing that she had it but at the same time it was an object that she felt comforted by. Along with the bad stuff, there was a lot of good written in there too and it was one of the only things that she had that belonged to Ellie. 

One day she was sure she would return it, but she wasn't sure when that day would be. She still had questions about it, things she desperately wanted to ask Ellie but knew that doing so would give away the fact that she had it. For now, she would just have to keep them to herself.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door that made her jump. She glanced at the clock, it was late now and she couldn't think who it would be. She thought maybe Jack had come, trying to convince her that she had made a mistake and that he could be better again before quickly worrying that it might be Robin or Gray and something bad had happened to the other one.

She rose to her feet and followed the hallway back to her front door, taking a quick, steadying breath before she opened the door, shocked to see Ellie standing there.

"Dina." she whispered desperately as if she had run the whole way.

"Ellie? What are you doing here?" Dina asked with a gentle tilt of her head, confusion clearly etched into her face.

Dina watched as Ellie looked down, shifting nervously on her feet for a second before looking back at her eyes.

"I said earlier that I've been thinking about what you said." she paused, studying Dina's confused expression. "This is me trying. You're right, I should have been trying, I should have been fighting for you. I would have died for you... I'm not out of this relationship."

"Ellie..." Dina began, furrowing her brow as she looked up to meet her eyes.

"Choose me." Ellie looked back at her pleadingly. "It's your choice but I want you to choose me. I don't want to be the bigger person anymore, I don't want you to be with him. I don't want to spend another moment thinking about you with someone else because it's not right. You're not meant to be with anyone else." she frowned slightly, shaking her head. "I want you to notice me, I want you to be the one that looks at me."

"Ellie..." Dina started again just to be cut off.

"Shut up." Ellie replied, taking a deep breath and reaching out to grab Dina's fingers, holding them in her shaking hands. "I love you, Dina. So choose me."

Ellie paused, taking deep, heaving breathes as she looked down at Dina, her green eyes revealing all her vulnerabilities after laying everything out on the table.

"I broke up with Jack." Dina replied, looking back at her with the same intensity.

Dina felt Ellie swallow the lump in her throat, her still shaking hands tightening around her own hands, feeling her rapid heartbeat in them. 

She gave Ellie a small smile and received one in response, giving her hand one final squeeze before she allowed them to drop.  


"I uh... Well, I just wanted to come here and let you know that." Ellie finally said, reaching up to rub the back of her neck, hoping the action would hide the blush on her cheeks.

Dina's smile widened and she looked down. "Thank you, Ellie."

"I better get going..." Ellie spoke softly as she studied Dina's face. "It's late," she said with a small nod as she slowly turned away.

"Ellie." Dina called after her.

Ellie stopped at the bottom of her steps, spinning around to look back up at her.

"You." she simply said, tilting her head at Ellie with a lazy smile.

Ellie smiled, giving a small nod in acknowledgment before she looked down. 


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIIxlgcuQRU
> 
> The song for anyone interested.

Ellie shuffled home. Her boots felt heavy on her feet. She readjusted her backpack, it too dragging her down. With nothing to keep her busy from her own mind, she really threw herself behind her work. It just so happened that after that night that she had been sent on another three-day patrol. 

She had intended to argue with Maria but decided better of it, it was one she knew she would never win and even if she did, she knew Maria would punish her in some grueling way to get her back. She decided in the end it would be a good distraction.

After all was said and done, it was indeed not a good distraction.

Thoughts of Dina swam around in her consciousness. Leaving so soon after their confrontation hadn't been ideal, but Ellie figured it would give her enough time to come up with the next step. It was only as she was laying down to sleep that night that she realized that admitting it to Dina had actually been the easy step, figuring what to do next was much harder.

After the second night away she worried that the small step she had taken was becoming a chasm to the next one the more time went on.

By the time she returned to Jackson, she was a ball of anxious nerves.

What was she even meant to do now?

Thought's of expectations settled themselves on her shoulders. While she considered running over to Dina's house and confessing her desire to be chosen by her a big gesture, did Dina see it that way? Would she expect something even grander by the time they next saw each other?

Joel had once told her about how back in his day's people would organize mass gatherings of people where they would break out into song or dance to express their love for their significant other or propose. She could honestly think of nothing worse and thankfully Joel had agreed, them both choosing to make fun of the kind of people who would do such a thing.

It just wasn't her and she knew it wasn't Dina but that didn't stop her worrying that what she did next wouldn't be enough.

Ellie shook her head, she knew Dina wasn't like that. Nor would she expect Ellie to do anything that made her uncomfortable but the fear still crept into her bones, each passing moment sinking in further.

When she walked into her house she slung her bag on to the floor and gave a contented sigh. She didn't often look forward to coming home, coming back to the emptiness but today she welcomed it. She was exhausted and she was looking forward to just sitting down and enjoying some alone time. 

She had been spending an increasing amount of time with the residents of Jackson and making more of an effort to be a leader and teacher on patrols, she was even beginning to enjoy their company but sometimes it still got a bit much.

She would have been home hours ago, except just like the many other times she found herself stopping at the farm. 

She found herself often hanging around the farm on the edge of the town whether that's where she was placed for the day or before or after whatever shift she had been assigned to. It was hard work and it reminded her fondly of the time she had spent at the farm with Dina. It felt like her last connection to that time in her life at that point so when old Mrs. Morgan asked for her help, she dropped whatever she was doing to give it to her. Even now, after attempting to rekindle the flame with Dina, she still seeks comfort there.

It was honest work.

In the back of her mind, Ellie knew she was purposefully avoiding going home, going back to the town where she would have to come up with what to do next. It's not that she didn't want to, she just wasn't sure what to do.

She lifted up her arm and sniffed recoiling at her own smell. She would definitely need a shower before she touched anything. She was filthy.

She climbed in the shower, making the water as hot as her body could cope with. Anything to help ease her aching muscles. She normally didn't dwell on the past but she had found herself oddly sentimental today while she was herding the sheep for Mrs. Morgan this evening. She allowed her fingertips to trace over her scarred skin, remembering every single one.

Her body wasn't ugly, it just told a story.

She stepped out of the shower, drying herself off before stepping into some shorts and an oversized T-shirt, towel drying her hair. She felt much better for the shower and thankful that they still had such luxuries here.

Finally, Ellie fell on to the couch and momentarily thought about chucking on a movie to fall asleep to. She remembered the times she had turned off the tv when Joel had done the same but her eyes instead fell to her guitar. She picked it up and sat it on her lap, strumming the strings a few times.

It had been a long time since she had picked it up to practice and she cursed herself for not continuing sooner. She still had a lot of work to do playing it left-handed.

She thought hard for a second before she settled on one of the last songs she had been working on learning. She had heard it a while back on one of the records she had found and begun teaching herself the tune, then the words, shamelessly listening to it on repeat until she had it right. The words just hit different with her after everything.

_"Made off, don't stray... My kinds your kind I'll stay the same..."_

She began, slowly strumming the cords and moving her fingers as she tried to remember each note. It wasn't perfect but it was okay.

_"Pack up, don't stray, I'll say..."_

Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat and closed her eyes.

_"Wait, they don't love you like I love you. Wait, they don't love you like I love you. Maps..."_

She trailed off, removing her hands from the guitar strings. Sometimes the feelings were still too raw. She had made an earnest attempt to fix things but she was stuck on where to go next. She wondered if Dina felt the same.

If Dina was worrying as much as she was.

She drummed the side of the guitar with her fingers thinking before moving to put it down.

"What was that?"

Ellie jumped, almost dropping it on the floor. "Oh, Dina. I didn't hear you." she mumbled visibly shaken, a scarlet hue painted across the bridge of her nose to her cheeks, threatening to conceal her freckles.

Dina smiled and tilted her head to the side. "Sorry, I knocked but you didn't answer. I heard you playing so I knew you were home... Hey, what song was that?"

Ellie shook her head, fumbling to put the guitar back down where she picked it up from, suddenly anxious that she had been caught in the act. "Oh, I just heard it on a record I picked up. You can borrow it sometime if you want. I actually have a few records that I thought you would like that I picked up..." she stumbled nervously, looking around her house. "I'm sorry, this place is a mess."

"It's okay, and I'd like that. That song's really pretty, El. Maybe it's just you singing it though." she looked down before looking back up at Ellie. "Here." she removed her hand from behind her back to show Ellie a fistful of flowers.

"What's this?" Ellie asked, standing to her feet, confusion clearly visible on her face.

"I saw them and I thought of you." she shrugged softly. "I thought you'd like them."

Ellie smiled and stood up, taking them from her. "Thanks. I guess?" she asked even more confused, the heat burning on her face.

"You're welcome." Dina smiled genuinely.

Ellie moved to the kitchen to see if she had a vase to put them in. To no one's surprise, she didn't. Grabbing a tall glass from the cupboard she filled it with water and put them in, absentmindedly arranging them until they sat nicely in there. They were, after all, a gift from Dina, so they were important to her.

"They smell nice." she mumbled with embarrassment. "What's the occasion?" Ellie turned around to see Dina still awkwardly standing at the door. "Uh... do you want to come in?"

Dina shrugged again and closed the door behind her. "I just saw them and they reminded me of you. They're your favorite ones, remember? That we used to grow on the farm..." she said nervously. "You haven't come to visit me since you stopped by that night and asked me to choose you, so I thought I'd bring them to you." she finished, a hint of a knowing smirk on her face.

Ellie looked down, mentally kicking herself for not realizing the significance of the flowers. She had found the seeds for Dina and Dina had grown them for her, spending hours tending to them until they had fully grown. Ellie would pick them for her and Dina would scold her for ruining the garden but every time she would turn away with them, would smell them and put them carefully on the table in a vase. That was what Ellie actually loved about the flowers.

Ellie smiled. "Thank you. They're beautiful." she paused for a moment. "And uh... Sorry, about that. Maria had me out of town." she rubbed at the back of her neck, a nervous habit.

"It's okay, and I know." she replied, leaning forward to peer at Ellie. "I know you wouldn't be avoiding me."

Ellie swallowed hard and looked down, knowing Dina could see the embarrassment on her face, her knowing smile giving it all away. "No, of course not." she shook her head hard. "Is there anything else I can do for..."

"Do you want to go out?" Dina finally blurted out, eyes fixed to the ground.

"Go out?" Ellie choked back.

"Like, on a date." she blushed, clenching her hands at her side. "It's okay if you don't. I just... I thought..." she stumbled, tripping over her words.

"Dina." Ellie smiled, crossing her arms over her chest and feeling confident enough to steal a glance at her. 

Dina was the stumbling mess now, not her.

"I just thought wouldn't it be nice to go out. Or just hang out. I mean, I'd really like that but if you don't... aren't ready to, that's cool too." she mumbled.

"I'd like that."

"Don't feel like you have to or anything..." Dina shook her eyes, furrowing her brow. "Obligated or whatever."

"Dina." Ellie began, only finishing when Dina looked up at her. "I said I'd like that."

Dina smiled and it only widened when Ellie matched it, finally holding her gaze with her own.

* * *

Six-thirty Dina had told her. Of course, Ellie had been ready too early and sat there like a pile of nerves. She couldn't take it any longer. It was now six and Ellie was waiting outside of Dina's door.

She was surprised when Dina had shown up at her door the night before but a little thankful she hadn't had more time to talk herself out of doing something. Dina had made it easy, she was always good like that. Always knowing when she was too in her head to function like a normal human being.

She knocked twice.

It wasn't long before Dina opened the door just a crack, only smirking at her before she completely opened it up. "I knew you'd be early, I wish I had someone to make a bet with."

Ellie smiled dreamily back, looking at the shorter girl from head to toe. "You look beautiful, Dina."

Dina blushed and looked down. "Shush. Let me just grab my sweater and we can go."

The two girls strolled side by side towards the diner. Dina had decided it would be a perfect first-not-first date. No pressures and no expectations surrounding them, they could just be themselves and get to know each other again. Ellie wouldn't tell her but she was thankful for her decision, knowing she would have been too indecisive to pick somewhere.

Then they stepped through the door together and settled into one of the booths, they found no one stared. No one really seemed surprised that they were hanging out again. Ellie was happy for that, choosing to think that the town eventually knew that they would pull their shit together. 

The only one who really seemed to care was Cat, who definitely stared longer than she should have. Ellie was glad that Dina had her back to the other woman who was constantly grinning at her and shooting her thumbs up's.

Ellie did her best not to pay attention to her, but she could constantly see her out the corner of her eye waving for her attention just to tease her.

"What are you going to get?" Dina asked, keeping her nose buried in the menu.

"Oh." Ellie mumbled with a blush, fumbling to pick her's up to study it.

"An adult meal, Ellie." Dina said with a soft laugh, glancing up from her own menu.

"Oh, yeah." Ellie blushed furiously and flipped the menu over, reading the list of items they could have and then re-reading it. She knew what it said but still, she kept going back over the options.

"Nervous?" Dina asked, finally setting hers down and gently nudging Ellie with her foot.

The auburn woman swallowed the lump in her throat and decided to give a small nod.

Dina tilted her head to the side a little and gave her a reassuring smile. "Don't be, Ellie. You know you can be yourself around me."

"I know." she sighed, dropping her shoulders. "I just don't want to say anything that will mess this up."

Dina laughed and Ellie scrunched up her nose in response.

"You are aware I fell for you when you were a bumbling idiot?" she asked with a highly arched brow.

"Hey!" Ellie scoffed. "I was never a bumbling idiot and I resent that portrayal of me. That's slander, even... I think."

Dina rested her head in her hand, keeping her eyes on Ellie's face, her eyes darting between her freckles. "Oh? What would you have called it?"

Ellie took a deep breath, using it to mask how hard she was thinking to come up with a decent response. "What about... an eloquent, well adjusted, well-mannered individual."

Her companion burst out laugh, reaching up with her spare hand to cover her toothy grin.

"Hey!" Ellie pouted. "I'm sure at least one of those words stick."

"Mhmm." she hummed in response, ignoring her trying to argue the fact.

Ellie watched Dina blink slowly, her lips curving into a soft smile and she felt herself instantly matching it. 

Ellie had fallen in love with Dina's smile.

Along with the million other reasons that swarmed Ellie's conscious. Every time she saw it she felt her heart swell and the familiar warmth that began in her gut as the butterflies were released. It never changed, Dina still gave her butterflies after all this time.  
For the first time in a long time, she felt like home when she saw Dina's smile.

She wondered if she still did the same for her.

"You better go give Cat an update before she has an aneurysm... You can order our dinner." Dina spoke softly and motioned over her shoulder at the girl at the bar. "Your shout."

Ellie panicked for a second, searching Dina's eyes for any hint of annoyance at the fact Cat was here and making a scene but saw none. Her heart immediately calmed.

Ellie gave a small snort in response. 

"You invited me, shouldn't you be paying?" she asked with an arched brow, already sliding out of the seat anyways.

"There's plenty of people who would buy me a meal, Ellie." Dina countered, looking her dead in the eyes. "I'm giving you the honor of supplying me with food. You're welcome."

"Yeah, yeah." Ellie waved dismissively with her hand. "I'll be back soon."

Ellie walked quickly over to the counter and straight towards Cat, giving her a warning look and being met back with the biggest grin she was sure the other girl had ever given- it was almost comical.

"You need to stop," Ellie growled between clenched teeth.

"So it's going well?" she asked, already grabbing two glasses to pour them a drink.

"It won't be if you don't stop being so annoying." she groaned, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "Please, Cat. This is important to me?" she finished with a pleading expression.

"Okay, okay." Cat agreed, raising her hands in defeat. "But you have to give me all the juicy details later."

"Cat!" Ellie frowned. 

"What? You two are totally gonna bone." she smirked, sliding the drinks over to her.

Ellie blushed and looked down, digging her fingernails into her palm as she willed it to go away. "Cat." she said this time more calmly.

If she wasn't feeling the weight of expectations on her shoulders yet she certainly was now. Is that what was expected? Her palms instantly began to sweat. It had been a long time since she had been on a date, let alone dated anyone- even if the person she was on a date with was someone she had already dated before.

"What?" she exclaimed again. "It's not my fault she's sitting there all hot looking at you like you're the most attractive person in the world... I mean you might be, the last most attractive one might have been eaten by now..." she smiled knowingly. "Clearly she forgot how much of a slob you can be."

Ellie only rolled her eyes, choosing not to give her any more ammo to use against her later and ordered their meals, grabbing the glasses and taking them back to the table where Dina waited for her.

"Hey, stranger." Dina smiled.

"Sorry," Ellie mumbled. "I didn't mean to be so long."

"Cat giving you grief?" she asked with a tilt of her head.

"Yeah." she sighed heavily before choosing to give her a smile. "Say's how you keep staring at me."

Ellie knew by her smile that Dina instantly caught on to what she was trying to do. denying her the chance to watch her squirm in embarrassment. Instead, she turned it back on her.

"Why wouldn't I look at you, El?" she asked, leaning forward on the table to meet her eyes. "You're beautiful."

Ellie only closed her eyes and huffed. "No."

"Oh? So you're allowed to call me beautiful but I can't return the compliment?" Dina replied, curling her fingers around her glass and bringing it slowly to her lips. "Because I didn't agree to those terms."

Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat. "Dina."

Dina only gave a small smile and laughed in response, reaching to place a soft hand over the top of Ellie's feeling her immediately tense under her touch before relaxing into the gesture.

The two women ate quietly, and Ellie found herself glancing up constantly as she pushed the food around her plate and made small talk. Dina filling her in on what she had been up to and how JJ had been. It's not that she felt too sick to eat, but she felt increasingly nervous as the night went on. It was going too fast and would soon be over, she didn't know if she was ready for that.

After they finished their meals and Dina deciding it was getting late, they stood from the table. Ellie rushed to grab Dina's coat for her, holding it out as she slipped into it. She blushed when Dina mumbled thanks and gently touched her forearm.

The two strolled even more slowly back to Dina's house, stopping outside her door when they finally arrived.

"So..." Dina mumbled.

Ellie looked down, shifting the dirt with the toes of her shoes. It had all ended too soon and she wasn't sure she had done enough to impress Dina. Enough to show Dina that she had changed, that she could be a constant in her life.

She knew she didn't need to show Dina all of that immediately, but the pressure still didn't stop looming over her.

She tensed nervously as Dina reached out and grabbed her fingers, gently fiddling with each one of them in the way that always put her at ease.

"I'm not going to invite you in." Dina hummed, causing Ellie to look up at her, a confused expression on her face. "'Cause it's a first date..." she quickly added. "You know don't... on the first date."

Ellie laughed taking the edge out of the situation. "So, did we do okay? For a first date, I mean?"

She watched as Dina smirked and looked down at their hands in front of them. "I can think of one thing that would make the night near perfect."

"Oh?" Ellie asked, feeling as Dina took a step towards her and looked up at her expectantly.

"Yeah." Dina mumbled, standing against her body, their hands held expectantly between them as she looked up to her eyes.  
"Did you want something?" Ellie asked, raising her scarred brow as she leaned down a little towards the shorter woman.

"I don't know, did you?" Dina returned the question, her eyes dropping from Ellie's to her lips before shifting back to them.

Ellie did the same, looking between Dina's eyes and her lips as she shifted against her. She smiled as their noses gently brushed and she could feel Dina's hot breath against her lips. "I asked you first."

Dina groaned, breaking the contact and taking a step back, Ellie's hand still in hers if not holding them a little bit tighter. 

Ellie only smiled dreamily at her. As much as she wanted Dina to make the contact, maybe it had been too soon and she was okay with that.

"You need to go home." Dina breathed heavily, dropping her hands to reach up and rest her hands on Ellie's shoulder to give her a gentle shove.

"Okay." Ellie only nodded.

"I had a good night, Ellie." Dina smiled. "Thank you."

"So I get a second date?" Ellie asked expectantly.

"And a third if you're lucky." Dina finished swatting at her before turning to her door and unlocking it. "Goodnight, Ellie." she whispered softly as she looked over her shoulder.

"Goodnight, Dina."

Once the door had closed behind her, Ellie took a step back and released the breath she didn't know she was holding. Reaching up she rubbed at the back of her neck. She couldn't describe what she was feeling but it made her want to run all the way home and tell Koby about her night like a lovesick teenager who had finally been noticed by their crush.

"Well, alright." she whispered to herself, affording one final glance at Dina's door before turning to head home.

On the other side, Dina leaned back against the wood of the door, resting her hands hard against it for support. Throwing her head back she closed her eyes, her heart beating loudly in her chest as she replayed the entire night in her mind.

"Fuck." she whispered, bringing her hand to her forehead, a smile etched on to her face.


	30. Chapter 30

From the moment Ellie woke up she had a smile on her face.

It wasn't a new feeling, she had woken up with a smile many times before now before she had gone to Santa Barbara but this time it was different. She had no sense of impending doom, no fears of something coming to take it all away, not being one panic attack away from doing something she couldn't take back.

No, for the first time in her life Ellie felt in control of something and for the moment felt like she had the confidence to do anything. 

Dina had done that for her.

Dina had always done that for her.

Ever since they were kids she had always made her feel safe and secure, that no matter what she put her mind to she would be able to accomplish. When she doubted herself it was Dina who, with a reassuring smile and hand in her shoulder, would tell her that she was Ellie and she could do anything that she put her mind to. Even if it was something she had no chance of being able to do, she still believed her and she still tried, knowing that when she failed Dina would be there to pick her up or help her achieve it.

It had always been that way. 

Even when she was with Jesse, she had always made an effort to be that for her. Every time Ellie needed her she had always just been there, without ever having to ask. Jesse never questioned it and she never questioned the intentions behind it either, after all other than Riley, Ellie had never had an adult friendship before, figuring that that's just how best friends might act. 

It wasn't until she got older that Dina's actions had begun to confuse her. The little touches and knowing glances. The way she would shamelessly flirt with her, or with someone else while glancing at Ellie. She didn't understand the burning in her chest back then, but without a doubt, Dina would always leave with her if not Jesse.

She knew that feeling now to be jealousy and everything back then made sense.

Ellie only wished she had understood sooner, instead of pushing her feelings away under the guise that Dina would never feel the same way about her as she did about Dina.

But if that had been the case they wouldn't have JJ and now Ellie couldn't picture a life without JJ in it, looking forward to the day when Dina would allow her to be part of his again.

When she finally rose from her bed, she called Koby over, taking an extra moment to give him pats in all his favorite places, allowing him to jump up on her lap and lick at her cheeks. She would deny it to anyone who challenged her, but she was definitely getting soft.

Placing him back on the floor she continued her normal routine of feeding him and eating breakfast, feeling more hungry than she had in a long time she ate a second helping. With her dog at her side, she opened her door and stepped out into the crisp morning air, the first signs of winter beginning to rear its head with the chill in the air. Just like always, the children of Jackson were waiting, now wrapped up in their thick winter coats to combat the cold and their warmest boots.

She could only grin as she urged Koby forward to greet them.

"Hey, Ellie!" they all spoke in a high pitched unison.

"Hey." Ellie greeted back, crouching down to their level.

"Did you teach him any new tricks?" a small girl asked excitedly, bouncing on her feet.

"Did I teach him any new tricks...?" Ellie asked, pretending to make a thinking expression. "Of course I taught him a new trick for you guys!" she said back with a hint of fake excitement to try and match hers.

"Will you show it to us?" they asked mystified.

"Of course she will." Dina spoke as she stepped up to the group, allowing JJ to come down from her arms and stand with them.

"Yay!" they yelled, rocking back and forwards on their feet.

"Dina, hey..." Ellie whispered softly, shocked at her presence.

"Ellie." she replied, narrowing her eyes a little at her with a knowing smile.

Ellie dropped her attention to JJ, smiling widely at his presence.

"Alright guys, watch this." she said, rising to her feet and shifting to stand in front of a sitting Koby as he panted happily. She showed them how she made a gun with her fingers, getting them to do the same, only barely glancing in Dina's direction to see a skeptical look on her face. "Now just point at him and say 'bang'."

As the words left her mouth the dog give the smallest of whimpers and dropped to a laying position before rolling over on his side, then his back and closing his eyes, not moving an inch.

The children panicked, rushing over to the dog's side. 

"Koby, are you okay?" They wailed, burying their hands in his fur, some on the verge of tears.

Ellie was next to panic and quickly shook her head, waving her hands in front of her body. "He's fine! It's just a trick. See! Koby, come here!"

Koby opened his eyes and rilled back on to his feet, giving a playful bark as he trotted back to Ellie's side. 

"See!" Ellie emphasized.

The kids at first only looked in disbelief but their smiles were quick to come back. "Oh. Cool! Can we try?"

"Yeah, go on." Ellie sighed, dropping her shoulders forward feeling as if she dodged a bullet.

When she looked up, she was only met with an amused expression from Dina so she offered an apologetic smile as she moved to stand beside her, both watching as the kids tried their very best to get Koby to perform for them.

"Smooth." Dina whispered, and Ellie watched as her breath appeared as a cloud in the air in front of her.

It was cold and Ellie was staring at her lips, she knew she needed to stop doing that so she looked down, a smile still creeping its way on her face. "Yeah."

"I had a good night last night." Dina finally spoke, taking the smallest of steps closer to Ellie's side, enough for her arm to brush against her coat.

"I had a good night too." Ellie laughed nervously, feeling like a real teenager for the first time in a long time, glancing out the corner of her eye at Dina and barely making the hint of a blush on her cheeks but she wasn't sure, it could have just been the cold.

The black-haired woman held her hands behind her back, shifting her head to look up and anywhere but at Ellie, certain that if she did she wouldn't be able to hold back the grin that was ready to crack her faux calm exterior.

"We should do it again sometime soon." Dina finally said with a click of her tongue.

"Yeah, soon." Ellie replied too quickly before adding, "I'd really like to see you again soon."

She turned and barely met Dina's eye and immediately blushed. She knew she was blushing hard when the warmth spreading across her cheeks heated her like her own personal furnace against the cold. Not being able to stand it anymore she tilted her head away, just enough to hide it from Dina but she knew, she knew by her smile that Dina had seen.

"I'd like that..." she whispered breathily in return, bumping her shoulder against Ellie's to let her know that she was here and she saw her. "I uh, have to go. I better not be late, Maria will have my head.

"Tonight?" Ellie said softly, only realizing that she should have specified what she meant when the word echoed around in her head.

"I'm out tonight." Dina replied with a small laugh.

"Oh..." Ellie said with a small nod. 

"Come find me tomorrow and ask." Dina offered, turning her face to look at Ellie.

"Okay. I'll see you around?" Ellie asked with a nod, taking a deep breath to calm her nerves.

"See you around." Dina repeated. "Come on JJ." she reached out to take his hand, leading him towards his grandparent's house.

Ellie reached up and rubbed at her cheek, a stupid smile spread wide on her face. "All right, come on kids, Koby and I have work to do." she muttered, shooing them along.

* * *

  
Ellie stood at the stables with Tommy and Maria, her arms folded across her chest as she peered at the map on the wall with them. All the patrol routes were marked clearly and labeled, written beside the map their names and how many people were expected on each route and what stops they had to sign along the way.

"What about out that way?" Ellie asked, pointing to a road to the east that hadn't been marked yet.

"That one is a long trek to any kind of civilization," Tommy said with a small shake of his head. "A day and a half ride, maybe two before reaching a safe space."

"We could run it, sending only the more veteran guys." Maria added, turning to look at them.

"It's mostly dense forest now, there would be no cover if they were attacked and ambushed by infected or Hunters." Tommy added in argument against that way.

"But we could use that foliage as cover." Ellie argued. "The more overgrown the better."

"Do you trust any of the guys to be stealthy?" Tommy asked with an arched brow.

Ellie gave a small laugh and shook her head. "No, not at all. But maybe we could teach them to be?"

"What do you have in mind?" Maria asked.

Ellie turned around, thinking hard for a moment and looked around all the workers in the stable and those readying for patrol, studying them. Stealth definitely wasn't their strong point, most choosing to tackle any problems head-on rather than think about them on move on around them and conserve their resources. If they could do their patrols better and scavenge smarter they would have more supplies for back home if they really needed them.

She closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them her eyes were met with Dina, standing in the distance and brushing Japan. She watched her for a moment, tenderly caring for the animal she loved dearly and she smiled when she looked up and met her eyes, receiving a smile in return. She watched for a moment longer, each stroke of Dina's arm drawing her in and leaving her to long for the feel of Dina's hand against her skin.

With a small shake of her head, she finally turned back around, feeling too distracted to look any longer.

"What if I take a few people out that way?"

"I just said it was too dangerous." Tommy argued.

"No, we wouldn't go all the way." Ellie shot back. "We would head out from Jackson towards that area and scout it out bit by bit but I'll use that time to teach everyone how to be all stealthy. Sort of like a practical lesson instead of theory."

Maria arched her brow at her, folding her arms across her chest like the other two before turning to look at Tommy. "Sounds like a plausible idea."

"I don't know..." Tommy said, feeling like he wanted to argue just for the hell of arguing but he couldn't find any faults with the idea.

"You'll take the more experienced first, and then one by one the newbies." Maria added, warming up to the idea.

"Yeah." Ellie nodded. "Groups of at least 5 on days when we can spare it. We can start next week, once I've thought about how to do it a bit. We can work out a plan over dinner this weekend."

"Tommy." Maria spoke, getting his attention. "It's not a half-bad plan, and it would mean we could spread out our patrols further. We're going to need to do that eventually anyway."

Tommy looked at Ellie sternly before smiling, he reached out and slapped her on the back. "I think that's an alright idea."

Ellie, feeling a bit shy at the positive recognition looked down. "And I uh, I've had another idea..."

"What is it?" Maria asked, turning her attention back to the map on the wall.

"I'd like to start up an archery class..." she paused before continuing, unsure if she continued. "I think that everyone should learn to use a bow lethally. We could retrieve and reuse the arrows. It would mean we could conserve ammo for if we truly needed it and we won't have to worry about maintaining the guns as much and targets are really easy to make, we could start by hunting with them when everyone gets good enough..." Ellie spoke quickly, beginning to ramble before she was stopped by a strong hand on her shoulder.

"Ellie." Tommy spoke. "I think that's a good idea."

"....Really?" she asked unsure, looking up to meet his eye.

"Really." he laughed at her and Maria joined in. "You don't need to be so scared to share your ideas with us. We're family."

She looked down and blushed, feeling Maria wrap her arm around her shoulder. 

"Come on, we can go see what lumber we have available for these targets. You of course will be teaching everyone, won't you, Ellie?"

"Yeah..." she mumbled, allowing herself to be lead by Maria, closely followed by Tommy.

Ellie glanced over her shoulder at Dina who had had now mounted Japan, holding his reins in her hands as she readied to exit the gate for her patrol. She watched as Dina watched her, blinking slowly as she counted Dina's rapid breaths, the crisp air giving her away.

Ellie wondered if Dina's heartbeat as rapidly as hers when she saw her.

"Who would have thought there were good idea's in this empty noggin of yours?" Tommy laughed as he ruffled her hair. 

* * *

"You know, you could stop staring." Ellie mumbled, looking up to give Cat a stern eye.

Cat grinned, resting her head in her hands as she leaned on the table, staring fondly at her friend. "But my Ellie is all grown up now."

"Stop it," she warned, swatting at her face with her hand causing her to duck away.

"But Ellie, you're smiling!" Cat said gleefully. "And it's not because you're in my presence for once. You guys totally did it."

"I ain't smiling." she groaned, looking down at her glass and focusing on the liquid inside, anything to stop the heat rising in her face. "And we didn't."

"You are and I don't believe you. You're just sad because Dina isn't here tonight so you can't go make googly eyes at her." she cooed at her.

"You know I hate you, right?" Ellie asked, looking up to meet her brown eyes.

"I'll tell Dina all your secrets if you're mean to me, Ellie. Tell her that you lo..."

"Cat!" Ellie yelled, cutting her off. "Enough, I'm warning you."

Cat laughed, threw her head back and truly laughed, hugging at her sides with her arms. "Alright, alright. Geez, you're grumpy tonight. Dina needs to get back early tomorrow for all of our sakes."

Ellie sighed and closed her eyes, looking down.

She felt uneasy now, knowing Dina was out there and not being able to remember who they had put her on patrol with. Ellie knew it was with someone that would be able to handle it, and she also knew that Dina would be able to handle it herself but that didn't make her worry any less. She knew she would only not worry if it was her on patrol with Dina.

She knew she couldn't do that though, not before and definitely not after everything that had happened. Even while they were mending their relationship Ellie knew she couldn't overstep that boundary. Dina still needed her freedom and space.

Ellie wondered if Dina missed going on patrol with her as much as she missed it. How they would mindlessly discuss the gossip of Jackson, or joke or flirt with each other to make the time go faster. The boring trails were suddenly more bearable with Dina there. She wondered if Dina would ever want to go out with her again or if their time had passed.

She lifted her drink to her lips and took a long sip, ignoring as Cat continued to tease her, doing her best to block it out.

Ellie had a lot to sort out if any of her ideas were to work around Jackson. Maria and Tommy had warned her it would be a tough task getting everyone motivated to learn, more so to teach them the skills to survive for longer periods of time out there. They knew everyone wasn't cut out for it but if they at least had the tools to, if they were ever put in a situation where they might need it then it might save their life one day.

Maria had told her they would work out the fine details during dinner on Sunday, but Ellie wanted to be prepared with answers to counter any questions Maria would ask. She wanted to prove to them that she was more than capable of doing something like this, more so she wanted to repay them for all the confidence they had in her since she had been back, especially when she didn't have any for herself.

She thought she would never have that kind of relationship like she had with Joel again, not with anyone. She thought she never wanted it but she found herself leaning into their parenting tendencies as they took her under their wing and taught her. Tommy reminded her of Joel more and more every day and sometimes she struggled to differentiate between them. She found those days the hardest, feeling guilty that his face blurred with Tommy's but knew that that was half of the journey to move on.

Ellie would go visit Joel's grave again soon, hoping that she would feel able to visit more frequently this time around. She definitely had a lot to fill him in on, and while she felt silly at first talking to someone's grave, she began to believe that maybe it was healthy to talk about it like Dina had always pushed her to do. 

She would talk about things to do with Tommy and Maria, things to do with Dina and JJ, and Jackson. About how she missed him every day and how while she missed him every day she was happy he was at peace.

She would tell him that she finally felt happy again.

"Ellie, you can't just ignore me." Cat frowned, hitting the counter in front of her.

Ellie looked up and smiled, tilting her head to the side. "Sorry Cat." she mumbled. 

"It's no fun if you're not reacting to being made fun of!" she groaned.

She brought the drink back to her lips and finished the last of the contents before sliding the empty cup back over to the black-haired woman. "Sorry, I'm just tired. I'm gonna go home and get some rest."

"You have one date and now you're boring." Cat teased further and pouted as Ellie only ignored her and left. 

Ellie smiled when she turned away from her, knowing how frustrated she would be at her lack of enthusiasm for her teasing tonight. Tomorrow she thought that maybe she would indulge her for the sake of it, but tonight she just had too much to think about.

* * *

Ellie lay in bed, staring up to the stars that danced across her ceiling, wondering it Dina was doing the same, staring up at the night sky and thinking about her.

She hadn't thought that been given once chance could change everything for her.

She reached down, tugging at Koby's coat gently as he slept beside her on the bed, feeling comfort from the gentle snores that escaped his mouth. Thankful that she wasn't left in complete silence with her own thoughts.

She wasn't sure how things were going to work out, but she had a renewed sense to make sure she made it work. If it didn't, she didn't want it to be her fault that it didn't and that meant she had to try.

That had been all Dina had wanted, was for her to try.

So she would do her best to show her that she was trying. She wanted Dina to be as proud of her as Tommy and Maria were now. Ellie felt silly wanting that, but her heart skipped a beat when she thought about Dina looking at her like she used to. Like she was the most successful fuck up in the world like despite all the shit going on in the world she was hers. The one constant in her life.

Ellie exhaled deeply, finally drifting off into a contented sleep as she considered everything she could do to show her that she could be that constant again.


	31. Chapter 31

Ellie gripped Callus' reins loosely in her hands, allowing her body to move with the jerks of his slow walk. She peered out into the valley before them, the bushes sparse and the trees bare. She had expected there to be a little more cover but she had really considered the rapidly approaching winter.

"Guess this is something we didn't account for, did we?" Tommy spoke softly as he glanced over at her. "Might have to put the plans on hold a little."

Ellie sighed, mentally scolding herself for not considering all the different variables. "Yeah, this place looked a lot different in the summer when I passed by. I can't believe I didn't think about it... That's..."

"It's okay," he interjected.

"It's not, I should have thought about it. We always need to be one step ahead and I-"

"Ellie."

"-didn't see it like this. Fuck. I'm sorry-"

"Ellie." Tommy said again, this time more firm.

Ellie shook her head and turned to look at the older man.

"I said it's okay." he said with a gentle nod of reassurance. "You've laid all the groundwork, we'll put it in motion in the spring. In the meantime you can still teach everyone to use a bow." he smiled, nodding to the rabbit that sat on the barren road just mere meters in front of them. "Think you could show me how it's done?"

Ellie smiled before taking a deep breath before tugging on Callus' reins to bring him to a halt. He neighed softly and kneaded at the ground, disturbing the earth. She pulled the bow off her shoulder before reaching into her backpack and pulling out an arrow. She nocked it, holding it firmly in place as she drew the string back. Closing one eye she took aim, taking a deep breath and holding it before she let the arrow fly. 

It hit its marks cleanly, sending the rabbit hurtling with its force. She turned to Tommy and smiled proudly and he gave a laugh in return.

"Reckon you're much better with that than I'll ever be." 

"Koby, retrieve," she said, looking down at him.

He gave a bark as he bounded down the path to the rabbit, picking it up in his mouth softly before happily bouncing back to Ellie. He reared up on his hind legs as he offered it to her.

"Good boy. Okay. Go." she spoke, releasing him.

She watched as he ran back off, tearing around in the fallen leaves on the ground like he was still a puppy and she gave a small laugh.

Gripping the arrow tightly in her hand she pulled it from the rabbit before latching it to the side of her horse. She wiped the arrow down with her shirt before sliding it back into her pack.

"And to think you tried to give that dog away." Tommy grinned, watching him play.

"We've all made mistakes, Tommy." Ellie said jovially.

She watched as Tommy urged his horse forward before making a clicking sound with her tongue and pressing her heel against Callus' side, pressing him to follow behind him.

"So..." Tommy began, pausing for a moment too long as he looked around their new surroundings. "How's everything going?"  
"Fine?" Ellie said questioningly.

"Just fine?" he pressed.

"Yeah, fine." she repeated with a nod. "I'm enjoying keeping myself busy."

"Some of the folk are saying how much extra you've been doing for them. Why didn't you tell us you were helping Mrs. Morgan out? We could have given you less work on our end." he asked, still keeping his eyes off Ellie.

She shrugged. "I dunno. It just didn't come up, and I didn't want less work."

"You can't work yourself that hard every day." Tommy countered. "Won't do much good for anyone."

"What is this? A lecture?" she asked defensively, only to settle when Tommy offered a small laugh in response.

"No, not at all." he stopped for a moment, sucking in air through his teeth. "Just Maria and I are worried about you is all."  
Ellie scoffed. "You don't need to be worried Tommy. I thought you'd be happy I was doing well."

"We are happy, Ellie." he said with a smile, turning around to meet her eye. "How's Dina?"

"Tommy." she warned with a groan, bringing her hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. "Are you serious?"

"Hey, I'm just asking." he said, raising his hands defensively.

"I uh... I don't know. I think it's good." she stammered, unsure if she even wanted to continue but she pressed forward anyway. She wanted to be better at talking about things. "We um, had a date the other night."

Ellie couldn't see Tommy smile but she heard it in his tone.

"Oh, really? Where did you take her?"

"Oh, I didn't take her anywhere. She actually took me to dinner. Just to the diner, something simple." she finished shyly looking down.

Tommy smirked and looked over his shoulder. "You telling me that she had the balls to ask you to dinner before you did?"  
She glared at him. "I was going to ask her! She just beat me to it..."

"Oh, uh-huh. Always knew you were a chicken. I'm just glad Dina had it in her. Someone had to finally rein you in." he said mockingly.

Ellie opened her mouth to argue but stopped herself, instead she dropped her voice low. "Is that okay? That Dina and I are trying again, I mean. I don't want to cause any trouble but I really like her...You know I-"

"Ellie, you love that girl. I knew from the moment they dragged your corpse back in here that you'd end up back together, we all did. It just took you two a lot longer than we thought it would." he said with a smile as he slowed his horse enough to fall into a walk beside her. "Just don't fuck it up this time."

"I won't." she mumbled, looking down.

"Good. Now, let's see how far we can push this path today and maybe you can show me how to use that bow?"

* * *

The sun had begun to set behind them as they arrived back in Jackson. 

Ellie felt lighter after her conversation with Tommy. He didn't need it but having his blessing to continue to work on things with Dina had been nice, although she would have pursued it anyways. She didn't think there was anyone that could stop her on that one.

As they rode in she noticed Japan was not in his still, signaling Dina had not returned yet. She felt her gut sink as she slid off her horse and took care of him for the night. They should have made it back before sunset and the fact that she hadn't left her feeling uneasy. 

She told herself not to panic, that people were late back from patrol all the time for various reasons. Maybe they just ran into something unexpected, or they had to take a slightly longer route. She was sure it would have been a relatively simple explanation, and no one else seemed to be panicking yet.

She considered how much time she should wait before she went and raised her concerns to Tommy and Maria but knew that she wouldn't be this worried if it were anyone else. 

Some times they just ran late.  
When the sky darkened and they still hadn't returned, she paced back and forwards in front of her horses stall.

Ellie lingered at the gate for longer than she ought to have, pretending to busy herself with tidying and tending to other horses, earning confused stares from the men working. She knew Dina could take care of herself but that still didn't stop the uneasy feeling causing the bile to rise in her throat.

She had had that feeling many times before when Dina had left on a patrol that she wasn't involved in and it had run late, even before they had even admitted their feelings for each other. Dina always had weighed heavily on her mind when she couldn't physically see her. Like what she was doing, who she was with, or if she was safe.

If she had a watch she would have been glancing down at it. All she knew was that it was now dark and she still hadn't returned. She felt angry and she didn't know why. Just as she was about to stamp all the way over to Tommy and Maria's the guard on the tower above signaled to open the gate.

She stood leaning against the side of the stable unimpressed as the trio of people moseyed in on their horse. It took everything in her not to storm on over and reprimand them for being so late, for being so blase about making everyone back in Jackson worry.

Except everyone hadn't worried, it was only her.

Instead, she just watched and waited, hoping to catch Dina's eye as she dismounted from Japan and when she did, the anger and worry that she felt immediately dissipated, melting away from her body as if it was never there.

She looked tired and Ellie immediately felt guilty forever questioning the fact that she could take care of herself. She looked down, scrunching up her nose as she battled with the feeling washing over her body.

Ellie looked up and smiled softly, Dina standing in front of her and holding Japan's reins in her hand. 

"You waiting up for me or just holding the stables up?" Dina asked with an arched brow.

Ellie felt a soft laugh escape her mouth."No... It's not like that. I was just... helping out here. They needed help."

She watched as Dina glanced around, all the men in the stables leisurely going about their business and chatting before she turned her attention back to her and arching her other eyebrow.

"Look's like it." she drawled.

Ellie rolled her eyes at her. "Do you want me to put Japan away for you? You look tired."

"You look tired too. Why don't we do it together?" Dina offered. "Then we can go have a drink if you want?"

"What are we waiting for, then?" Ellie smiled, gesturing towards the stable with her head. 

They both worked in silence as they prepared Japan for the night. Despite Dina's offers of sharing the duty, Ellie seemed to do a majority of the work. She pulled off his saddle and gave him a quick brush, feeling nervous under Dina's gaze as she leaned back and watched, feeling her eyes size her up. 

"Are you going to help?" Ellie finally asked, unable to be under her scrutiny any longer.

"Mhmm." she hummed in response, turning to grab the horse's blanket and draping it over him. "I like watching you work."

Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat. "Shut up." was all she managed to choke out.

She held the stall door open for Dina before closing it behind her when she exited. Dina turned around and looked at her with a hint of adoration before turning back and heading towards the center of Jackson, Ellie closely in two.

She jogged a little to catch up with Dina's purposeful strides, doing her best to match her pace. She spent time looking around town, choosing to focus on anything but the girl beside her know that if she did she would be consumed by her all over again.

She felt a little silly for worrying so much before and knew she couldn't again. Out of all people, Dina could probably handle herself better than Ellie could. She had saved her life many times on their journey to Seattle. 

Ellie looked down, feeling the back of Dina's hand brush against her own. She blushed and thought about moving it away but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Instead, as she pretended to look away, she moved her body slightly closer to her's so that it would happen again. The contact leaving her hand feeling warm.

She gulped, feeling Dina's hand fall to hers, her fingers snaking between her own and giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

The auburn woman took a deep breath, turning her attention back to their joined hands and feeling her heart skip a beat. Slowly she drew her eyes back up to Dina whose face had turned in preparation to meet her own. Dina gave a lazy smile and Ellie couldn't contain the grin the spread wide on her cheeks and she looked away embarrassed causing Dina to give her hand another tight squeeze.

They strolled down the quiet street, hands swinging softly between them as Ellie held it tightly as if her life depended on it. She wanted to keep walking and the closer they got to the bar the more she wanted to turn around and go the other direction knowing that once they got there she would have to relinquish the contact.

Dina felt her slow a little when they approached the steps to the bar and pulled on an arm, their hands still connecting them together and she gave Ellie's arm a tug, urging her forward. Ellie stopped, causing Dina to turn around and tilt her head on confusion. She gave a reassuring smile before reaching out to her other hand to take Ellie's tugging her forward and keeping her eyes on her as she backed towards the stairs.

"Come on." she whispered, dropping her other hand when Ellie began to follow her again.

Once in the bar, Dina pushed Ellie down into a booth before heading to the bar herself and grabbing them their drinks. When she returned, to Ellie's surprised she didn't sit opposite her but beside her, shuffling close to her side.

"What's on your mind?" Dina asked, taking a sip of her drink.

Ellie thought about telling her about how she couldn't stop thinking about her, about how worried she had been when she had returned but Dina still hadn't. She was sure Dina wouldn't have thought she was stupid, but she still had that fear that she might because she was in fact being stupid and she didn't want Dina to think that she wasn't strong enough to be able to take care of herself. 

Instead of brought her glass to her lips, drinking half of it in a few sips before placing it down suddenly feeling scared that she could lose Dina all over again.

"I had a day." Dina began when Ellie didn't respond. "I went out with that new guy today and you wouldn't believe it but he fell off his horse... after explaining to us how good he was at riding horses, he had been riding them since her was 5, you know?"

Ellie nodded, looking down at the liquid in her glass before raising it to her lips again.

"He was such a baby too, you wouldn't expect it from looking at him. He only sprained his ankle but acted as if I would have to amputate it. I couldn't even touch it without him hollering at me. Cursing this and cursing that..." she finished, raising her own glass to her lips.

"Oh yeah?" Ellie mouthed closing her eyes for a moment.

"Didn't much like when Victoria and I laughed at him either. Spent near half a day trying to coax him back on that horse to get him home. We joked about leaving him behind but I imagined how much you would have disapproved of that... No man left behind and all." she smiled, turning her head to stare at Ellie.

"I would have left him there, that sounds awful." she mumbled. 

"Yeah." Dina nodded, reaching out her hand and slipping it over Ellie's larger one, pulling her hand off her glass to rest it on the table, tightly tucked in hers. "So that's why we were late back..."

Ellie tilted her head a little, her gaze resting on their hands and smiling at the size difference between her's and Dina's, how small her hand looked resting on top of hers.

"Were you worried?" Dina asked, continuing to study Ellie's expression.

Ellie blinked slowly before lifting her green eyes to meet Dina's. She sighed and gave a small nod. "Yeah..."

Dina laughed a little, turning her attention back to her own drink and bringing it to her lips. "I know I don't need to tell you that I can take care of myself, right? But I'm okay, we were all okay. Not even a single infected in sight."

"I know, I just-" she sighed, dropping her shoulders. "Sometimes I just think back to you in that hospital bed and I just can't help it."   
Dina shook her head. "You know that I had no control over that, right?"

"I know." Ellie groaned, reaching up to rub at the bridge of her nose. "It's dumb, I'm sorry."

"Your feelings aren't dumb, Ellie." Dina said with a frown, bumping her shoulder against the other woman. "If I'm ever in trouble, I know you'll come to save me anyway, right?"

Ellie turned her head towards Dina's, catching her eye as Dina laughed.

"How close were you to tearing into the night to come to rescue me?"

"Pretty close." Ellie admitted with a scrunch of her nose.

"I'd do the same for you." Dina admitted softly, moving her hand from Ellie's to wrap around her arm, pulling her close to her body. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know. But don't." Ellie warned, leaning into Dina's contact. 

"You couldn't stop me, even if you tried. I've been thinking a lot lately and I think we're both just like that." Dina admitted, using her free hand to sip her drink.

Ellie felt the breath hitch in her throat and she closed her eyes. 

"Ellie?" Dina asked.

She took a deep breath before placing her elbow on the table and resting her head in her hands, twisting her body to look at Dina.

"You still make me nervous, you know?" she said softly, feeling the beginnings of a quiver on her lip and she choked it back.

Dina tilted her head to the side confused, waiting for her to continue.

Ellie gave her head a shake. "I'm really trying to say how I feel, to not shut you out. I'm trying... but I'm scared. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I say or do something that you're not ready for? Because I want everything with you, Dina."

"Ellie..." Dina breathed, reaching down to tangle their fingers back together. "If I wasn't ready for something, I'd tell you. But I need you to know that just because I'm not ready yet doesn't mean I don't want it, or that I won't be ready later... It's just going to take time. I still want to see you and I still want you to open up to me, like this."

Ellie laughed, looking down and giving her head another shake. "Fuck. Remember the first time we hung out when we were kids? I still get that feeling now, the fucking butterflies. They make me feel so nauseous."

Dina smiled, pressing her cheek to Ellie's shoulder for a moment. "Yeah, I remember. I felt them too."

"We're so stupid." she blushed, moving her hand to rest against her forehead. 

"Hey, speak for yourself." Dina scolded, but there was no malice to her words. "Let's have another drink and some food, I'm starved."

After dinner, the two women sat and had a couple more drinks together, the conversation flowing much more easily after Ellie's admission. She could feel as Dina opened up to her more, her words and expressions becoming looser just like when they were younger, back before they had broken up. 

Ellie couldn't help but smile every time she looked at her, watching her mouth as she talked, watching the way her lips curled into a smile, or how she tilted her head back when she laughed. She knew she had a dopey smile to return to her on her face but she didn't care.

She knew Dina wouldn't.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Dina asked, the question lingering in the air.

"Do you want to go home?" Ellie asked, searching her eyes.

Dina gave a shrug. "I don't know... Will you take me somewhere?"

They walked down the quiet and dimly lit street of Jackson. The few stragglers that had been on the paths before and since headed home, leaving the streets empty. Ellie was the one who this time slipped her hand into Dina's, smiling as their hands perfectly melded into each other. She tugged her along, heading towards one of the open fields. Their cheeks flushed from the taste of alcohol on their lips.

"I enjoyed that." Ellie smiled, holding her stomach. "I don't think I've felt this full in a long time."

Dina smiled back. "I don't remember the food there ever being that good."

Ellie laughed. "I think Cat really started to learn how to cook last time I made fun of her food."

When Dina didn't respond, she turned to watch her face flinch.

Ellie mentally kicked herself when she felt the silence fall between the two. She really could be in idiot sometimes.

Her heart began to settle when she felt a smaller hand squeeze her's protectively and she gave it a squeeze back. She turned and smiled at Dina giving her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Where are you taking me?" Dina questioned, never resisting her lead.

"Shush." Ellie mumbled. "Just follow me. Not too much further."

When they arrived at the spot where Ellie deemed the place they needed to be, Dina watched as she lifted her head to the sky and gave a small turn as if making sure the sky was perfect for them. Dina laughed and tugged her down into the grass.

Dina shivered, trying to shake the chill from her arms.

"Here." Ellie murmured shrugging her jacket off her shoulders and wrapping it around Dina's arms.

Dina opened her mouth to protest but instead closed it and took the jacket, allowing Ellie to help slip it over her arms. It was too big for her but she hugged it tightly to her frame. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Ellie slurred, a drunken smile on her face.

Dina couldn't help but smile back. Ellie's smile had always been contagious.

They both lay back in the grass and stared at the stars. It was a particularly clear night today and the whole sky was lit up with the billion stars in the solar system making them feel insignificant in the universe. Everything that had happened to them, all the wrong paths they had taken were nothing compared to what was out there.

Reaching over, Ellie clutched at Dina's hand, holding it tightly in hers as if she was scared that if she held it any looser Dina would disappear. They sat in comfortable silence, each other's presence enough for the moment.

Ellie's mind swimming with a million thoughts, a million things she wanted to ask Dina but she knew the time wasn't right. She would ask them all one day but for now, she was happy to be spending time with the woman she loved.

It didn't matter that no terms had been placed on their relationship or no labels given. All that mattered was that they were together and doing what they wanted to do. Not being relegated to what other people wanted them to do or be. Not being tied down by anyone else.

Dina closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and was the first to speak.

"Did you ever kiss her?"

Ellie sat up on her side and slightly leaned over Dina. She was going to ask who but she really didn't need to, the name still bitter on her tongue from earlier.

"You know like you used to kiss me?" she added in a hushed tone so quietly she wasn't sure she even wanted Ellie to hear the question, wasn't sure she even wanted to hear the answer but jealousy had been getting the better of her.

Ellie looked down at her and watched as her face stayed peaceful, the flicker of jealousy betrayed by her eyes. She exhaled deeply. "No."

She remembered back when Cat had asked her if she had feelings for Dina, it was easy for her to lie to her back then. It had never been easy to lie to Dina. It had always left her feeling immediately guilty and quickly confessing. She hadn't kissed Cat but she knew even if she had she would have owned up to it, no matter the consequences. 

She never wanted to lie to Dina.

"Why not?" Dina asked as she opened her eyes. 

When Dina looked back into Ellie's eyes she was certain at that moment she could see that piece that Tommy had told her was missing, and she could see herself reflected back in it.

Ellie only smiled and reached over to brush and strand of loose hair behind her ear. "It wouldn't have meant anything. Why would I kiss anyone else the way that I kissed you?"

Dina pulled a face. "How do you know then?"

Ellie laughed, shaking her head at her. "How do I know what?"

"How do you know you didn't like it, then? Kissing her, I mean." Dina said with a mumble, feeling like a kid and retreating back into Ellie's jacket like a scared turtle, withdrawing under her and feeling small.

"You think I need to kiss someone to know I won't like kissing them?" Ellie asked with a raised brow.

Dina pouted underneath her. "You might. You've not kissed her in a long time."

"You think I won't like kissing you?" Ellie teased, allowing her eyes to slowly move down to her lips.

Dina shoved Ellie's shoulder, almost causing her to topple on top of her. "You might not. You've not kissed me for a long time. What if I'm bad at it now?" she huffed, nervously shifted as she watched Ellie's eyes move to the red stains on her cheeks. "Who even says I'm going to let you kiss me."

Ellie smiled kindly, in that way that made her eyes crinkle and the corners. The smile that always made Dina's heart melt and she would be like butter in Ellie's hands.

"I guess we'll never know." Ellie moved to sit back.

Dina reached up and grabbed Ellie by the collar of her flannel shirt and pulled her down until her lips were close to hers. Breathing heavily against them and with a flush across her cheeks she looked heavily in her eyes. 

"Not going to let me kiss you?" Ellie teased.

"Shut up and kiss me." Dina whimpered breathlessly.

When Ellie parted her lips to respond, Dina tightened the grip on her collar and pulled her down all the way, bringing her lips to hers, kissing her slowly at first but then more sloppy and urgent as her tongue darted into her mouth. 

Her hands bunched tightly in Ellie's shirt to keep her body to hers, fearful that if she let go Ellie would pull away, not ready for this. But she needed this and that was selfish but at that moment she had thrown caution to the wind. 

It was a long moment before she finally allowed Ellie to pull away to catch her breath and she watched as the taller girl smiled a genuine smile and fell beside her, catching her contender breaths.

"So?" Dina asked impatiently, reaching her Ellie's hand and fiddling nervously with her fingers.

Ellie closed her eyes and smiled a goofy smile like a girl drunk on love would have. "Mhmm. A 6."

"What?" Dina asked sitting up in a huff, her eyes questioningly boring into Ellie. 

"I'd rate it a 6." she stated again and opened one of her eyes to stare at Dina, an amused expression on her face.

"Ellie Williams!" Dina yelled, finding confidence deep within her to climb on top of Ellie, straddling her waist and sitting back on her hips. Placing both hands on her shoulders she pinned her down with intent. "I am not a 6."

Ellie reached up and wrapped her arms around the back of her neck, locking them together behind her head. "Big words from someone who only moments ago told me she wasn't sure if I'd even like to kiss her." 

She pulled her down into another kiss. Kissing her just as hard and as passionately as she had before, enjoying the feeling of her tongue swiping against her lip before entering her mouth and the hungry way that Dina tugged on her lip before she pulled away, settling back in Ellie's arms and resting her head on her chest over her heart.

"Tell me you like my kisses." Dina finally grumbled against her neck, her insecurities showing through her brave facade.

"I like your kisses." Ellie mumbled back, kissing the side of her head dreamily before lifting her arm. "Hey!" Ellie exclaimed, pointing to the sky. "A shooting star. Make a wish, and it better involve me." she finished with a haughty laugh.

Dina cuddled closer to Ellie's side, brushing her lips against her skin at the crook of her neck in the way that she knew Ellie liked


	32. Chapter 32

A week had passed since they had shared their second-first kiss and Ellie couldn't stop thinking about it.

From the way that Dina's hand felt in hers to the way, her lips brushed against hers. From the moment she woke up in the morning to the moments in bed, just before she fell into a slightly more easy sleep.

Every waking moment there wasn't anyone but her on her mind and it both drove Ellie crazy and kept her sane. She wasn't mad about it, in fact, she felt comforted by the fact that she could so freely think about her without feeling guilty.

Dina had kissed her.

She had kissed her and Ellie knew that it was okay to kiss her back. There was nothing holding her back anymore, no other person standing in her way and making her question her morals on the matter. No more feelings of guilt when Dina would creep into the back of her mind thinking that was the last place she wanted to be.

She wasn't sure when it happened but she felt something shift one day. Walking down the street for no reason at all a smile crept on to her face, one that made her shake her head and look down and from that moment she felt as if they came easier to her- that she could smile at not just Dina, but the residents of Jackson too and they would smile back.

Ellie looked forward to today.

She hadn't decided it herself but she might have mentioned it to Maria that it might be okay if she and Dina finally went on a patrol together again. Maria hadn't said anything at the time, in fact, Ellie had just watched as she gave a knowing smirk, not even bothering to acknowledge her input.

They weren't going to be alone, much to Ellie's initial disappointment, but they were still going to be able to spend time together and she realized the fact that they weren't going to be alone together may as well be a good thing considering the constant somersaults her stomach was currently doing.

When she arrived at the stables to ready Callus, Dina was already there, already ready. Koby didn't hesitate to run passed her, barking to alert her to his presence. Ellie watched as she crouched down, rubbing her hands all over the excited dog's body before looking up and smiling at Ellie.

She loved that Dina loved him.

Ellie couldn't be mad that Koby never seemed to listen when Dina was around, she knew she wouldn't either.

Slowly she walked over to her, spending the time covering the distance between them studying her.

"Hey, you." Dina smiled, standing to her feet.

"Hey." Ellie mumbled back, only meeting her eyes for a second before looking down and playing with her fingers, doing her best to not think about the nights they had spent making out in her room like they were kids again.

"So... I was a bit surprised when I found out we would be going together considering miraculously we haven't been paired together in a long time." Dina teased, reaching out to place a hand to Ellie's shoulder.

"I didn't tell Maria to do this." Ellie replied almost too quickly, melting under Dina's touch.

It wasn't a lie.

"Mhmm." Dina hummed. "I thought you did the patrol rosters now?"

"I don't do them..." Ellie interjected. "I just help Maria do them."

"Mhmm." Dina said again, dropping her hand a little lower and pressing her palm flat against Ellie's shoulder. "Here I thought you wanted to spend more time with me, I guess I was wrong..." she dropped the volume of her tone, waiting for Ellie to look up and meet her eyes, giving her a smirk when she finally did.

"Okay, so I may have offhandedly mentioned something..." Ellie admitted, feeling the heat rise to her cheeks as she stared back into Dina's intense gaze.

Dina leaned in a little closer, her voice still low. "You're cute, Williams. If there weren't so many people around I might have kissed you."

Ellie raised her scarred brow. "Only might have?"

Dina's smirk only widened. "Why don't you come by later tonight and I -might- kiss you then?"

"You want me to come over... later tonight?" Ellie gulped, staying painfully still as Dina patted her shoulder before stepping away, a satisfied expression on her face.

"That's alright, isn't it?" Dina asked back, her own cheeks being painted a faint shade of pink as her confidence just barely faltered.

"Yeah." Ellie quickly nodded. "Should I bring something?"

"Ellie..." Dina spoke lowly in a sultry tone, staring even harder into Ellie's eyes, waiting for her to understand.

"Oh." Ellie mumbled back, quickly shifting her eyes from Dina's and feeling the embarrassment overwhelm her entire body, feeling silly for not taking the hint sooner. "Just me." she continued to grin like an idiot, shooting Dina a thumbs up.

Who even did those anymore?

Dina smiled, turning her back to head over to Japan before looking over her shoulder. "Ellie. Don't get too distracted today." she finished with a soft laugh.

With Dina facing away from her she quickly dropped her head, hitting her palm against her forehead before rubbing at it. How much more uncool could she have been?

Ellie rolled her eyes, turning to head towards her horse to prepare him for their trip. She waved as Victoria came over to ready her own horse beside her. Ellie had a soft spot for the younger girl. She was beautiful and tough, in some ways reminding Ellie of herself when she was younger. She had been her main patrol partner for a long time now and she felt a sense of duty to make sure she came back every time.

"Ellie." she said with a smile on her face, working beside the taller woman.

"Hey, Vic." Ellie grinned stupidly, her mind being on the earlier conversation with Dina.

The blonde woman shook her head in response. "So Cat mentioned that you and Dina, you know..."

"Oh did she?" Ellie replied, reaching up to set the saddle on her horse.

"Finally." she laughed.

"So you and Cat?" Ellie shot back, looking up to glance at her.

She snorted and gave a small shake of her head. "Cat's Cat."

"She likes you." Ellie spoke, unsure if she should say anything but knowing that Cat would have done the same to her, thankful to take the attention away from her.

"Cat will kill you if she knows you said that." Victoria smiled, leading her horse from the stable.

"If Cat was going to kill me, she would have done it a long time ago. I pretty much get a free pass now." Ellie replied, following behind her.

* * *

  
The trio made small talk as they trotted their horse down the predetermined palm laid out for them. Dina took point, Victoria in the middle and of course Ellie took the back. If anything happened, she would have the best view, not that she expected it too. If infected did come after them, she would be ready for it. 

She kept her eyes fixed on the girls in front of her, Koby trotting at her side, both their ears perk and ready to hear anything out of the ordinary.

She was thankful for being out here with Dina. She felt more at ease knowing for a certain fact that she was safe. She hated nothing more than being stuck inside the walls, or out on a patrol somewhere far away from her and not knowing if she was okay or not if she was alive or dead. 

A portion of her mind always worrying about when she would get to see her again. Even when Dina wanted nothing to do with her, there was still a part of her that couldn't help but think of her always. No matter what she did, she couldn't push it away. No matter how much she drank she couldn't forget.

Eventually, she learned that it wasn't a bad thing, and as time went on and she and Dina mended their relationship she was glad that she hadn't allowed herself bury that part.

No, their relationship wasn't perfect now. Ellie thought she would always have what she did hanging over her, but now it was for different reasons. She wouldn't allow it to sit on her shoulders and weigh her down, now she would use it so she would never forget what her own ridiculousness had done, so she wouldn't make the same mistakes again.

There was only one thing she wanted now, the only thing she had ever truly wanted but it had just gotten lost for a while.

She wanted Dina and she wanted JJ. 

She wanted to be a family again.

She wanted to be boring, quiet, and live a remarkably unremarkable life. Coming home after protecting their town or working to provide for the community and making dinner, or arriving home to have dinner made by the woman she loved. Spending time playing with their son before they put him to bed at night, teaching him how to become strong and brave like his father, teaching him what was right and what was wrong. Maybe taking him fishing. Going on family trips together, taking Koby out.

She wanted it all.

They didn't need their farm to have that, she knew it had never been about the farm. They could be anywhere and Ellie would still feel like she was home.

Ellie knew she still had a while to go. A long way to go to be forgiven. Dina hadn't forgotten, she could tell sometimes when she kissed her and she likely would never forget but eventually, she knew she would heal, and wound that was open and raw would eventually be mended and Ellie wanted to be the one that did that. She would work on being the bandaid for her, one that she never had to rip off.

She was grateful that Dina didn't hide these feelings from her. While Ellie wasn't the most observant person in the world, she felt more in tune with Dina than she had to any other person. She could tell just by her tone or her face when something was up, she never had to tell her. When she asked, Dina would tell her. Whether she just needed a moment to get over a memory of Ellie leaving, or new insecurity, she would tell her. Ellie thought that that was because Dina knew that she needed to know.

That she needed to know so she didn't spend hours beating herself up over something she wasn't even certain of. There would have been a time when Ellie ran away from being told something like that, hiding away like a scared child afraid of the consequences of her actions but now she just sat and patiently waited until Dina came back or gave her a reassuring smile, understanding that Dina needed the time to get over what she did as much as she had needed that time before.

"Hey, what's that?" Dina asked, looking over her shoulder back at Ellie, pulling up on Japan's reins to halt him.

Ellie looked around, scolding herself for allowing herself to get so deeply lost in thought while out in the open. "What?" she asked, unsure to pinpoint exactly what Dina was pointing out.

"There." she repeated, lifting her finger to point to the sky.

Ellie followed her movement, her brows furrowing as her eyes settled on the billowing smoke coming from some trees in the distance. It wasn't fresh smoke, it was smoke from something that had recently been put out and it definitely hadn't been there before.

"Who would be out here starting fires?" Victoria asked, her horse nervously shifting on his feet.

"Should we go check it out?" Dina asked. "Someone might be in trouble."

Ellie thought for a moment, she knew that going to look was the right thing at all. If someone was in trouble, they might be able to help them get back on their way. But her mind couldn't help but fall to all the scenarios where it wasn't something as innocent as that and that wasn't a road she wanted to travel down. Not with victoria here, and especially not with Dina.

She thought about ordering them on to their designated post and going herself, but as she looked up and met Dina's eye she knew that wasn't going to fly. At least if they went together she would be able to keep her close to her and keep a watchful eye.

"Let's check it out." Ellie mumbled unsurely. "Come on, Koby." she ushered, pressing her heels into Callus' side to urge him forward to the front of the group.

She carefully kept watch, Koby cautiously bounding ahead, sniffing the ground as he leads them towards the scent he had picked up.

"What do you think it is?" Victoria asked, turning her head to look over her shoulder at Dina.

"No clue. Maybe just someone passing through. I hope they're alright, it's starting to get pretty cold." Dina replied in her typical caring tone, always thinking about everyone else.

"What do you reckon, Ellie?" Victoria asked next.

Ellie only shook her head in response, keeping her eyes peeled and her ears open for anything that could ambush them. She wasn't sure why, whether it was the eeriness of it all or just that everything was so still, she just had a bad feeling and it wouldn't dislodge itself from the pit of her stomach.

She wished that Dina hadn't been with her today, that it could have been anyone else. That she was safe back home with JJ instead of here now.

"Ellie..." Dina repeated her name, trying to get her attention.

Her head snapped up when Koby barked loud, pausing in his tracks to look back at her. She tugged on Callus' reins, bringing him to a halt before sliding off the saddle, her feet hitting the ground with a thud. The leaves that had fallen from the trees crunched under her boots as she approached the dog, crouching down beside him she ran her hand over his back before studying what he had found.

Fresh, deep boot tracks began here where the ground had softened. She studied them for a moment, whoever was here was on foot and it was more than just one of them, many by the look of it. They didn't have horses as there were no tracks to be seen.

What were they doing out here at the start of winter on foot?

"Ellie."

She watched as Koby again bounded forward into the trees before rising to her feet and turning to look at the other two woman with her.

"What's up?" Dina asked, meeting her uneasy eyes.

"Track marks. Some people definitely crossed through here recently." she finally said, stepping forward to grab her horses reins before walking off after Koby. "Come on, let's follow them."

"What is that?" Victoria asked, peering forward from her saddle as they continued to move, coming upon the source of the smoke.

Ellie let go of her horse and cautiously moved forward, she couldn't see anyone but that didn't mean that no one was around. She listened as her two companions jumped from their saddles and stalked closely behind her, Koby pulling back and sticking to her side.

"Is that a tent?" Dina asked, glancing to the side at Ellie.

"Looks pretty messed up..." Victoria replied to her.

When Ellie was sure no one was in the immediate vicinity, she stood upright, stepping to the edge of the camp that had been clearly abandoned, her eyes immediately going to the constructed fireplace which had been left to burn out.

Whoever had been here had obviously intended to stay longer but something had happened, judging by the torn tent and the chaos of their strewn belongings she assumed infected had descended upon them. She wasn't sure whether they were still alive or not but there was no blood around which pointed to a good sign.

"Have a look around, see if we can figure out who these guys are." Dina said with a small nod, feeling just as uneasy as Ellie had.

Ellie's eyes instantly dropped to a backpack that had been rested against a makeshift stool and dropped a knee to unzip it, rummaging through its contents. She pulled out some bandages, a bottle of pills, a torn book and various items of clothing, eventually tipping the bag upside down and giving it a good shake to get the rest of it out.

There was a familiar sound of silver clinking together as a necklace fell carelessly to the ground, her brows furrowing when her gaze settled on it. It took her longer than it should have for her mind to register what it was. 

It's not that she didn't immediately recognize the shape or the symbol on the dog tag, more so her mind didn't want her to connect the dots for it still had no idea what it meant.

Reaching down she gingerly picked it up in her hand as if the metal would burn her skin if too much of her flesh touched it. Bringing it up to hold it in front of her face, she studied it, allowing the pendant to spin rapidly in the breeze.

"Is that a fireflies pendant?" Dina asked, crouching in front of her.

Ellie looked up to meet her eyes, holding her gaze as she tried to bury the worry and uncertainty she knew was clearly evident.

Finally, she gave a small nod.

"But why? They don't exist anymore...right? Is it just an old trinket?" Dina questioned, still keeping her eyes on Ellie's.

"I don't know..." Ellie finally choked out.

It couldn't be, could it?

She had found that house in Santa Barabara on her way back home but by the looks of things it had been long abandoned. She knew that they had tried to rally together again at some point, but as far as she knew that had never happened. Joel had seen to that.

They didn't have the numbers anymore for that. She was certain.

So why was this here? It had no business being here. Surely it was just an heirloom, perhaps passed down to the son or daughter of something who died, maybe someone who Joel had killed.

If that wasn't the case then they could have been here for only one reason and she wasn't sure whether she could even entertain that thought.

She blinked slowly at Dina, swallowing the lump in her throat and when she could feel the tears well behind her eyes she looked down and as far away as she could from her.

"Ellie, what is it?" Dina asked, visibly distressed.

Ellie exhaled deeply, turning her head back to meet Dina's eyes. "We need to get out of here. Now."


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here's your warning; Heavy smut ahead. Don't be too critical, I don't write smut every day... so hopefully, it doesn't read too awkward.

Ellie sat at the wooden table, drumming her fingers nervously against the surface. She had been doing this for what felt like hours now, the very tip of her fingers beginning to feel raw.

She wanted to look up and meet Tommy's eye, or Maria's, anyone's really but she couldn't make herself. They had questions that she knew she wouldn't be able to answer nor did she even want to entertain.

She just didn't know.

"Do you think we have anything to worry about?" Tommy asked and Ellie wasn't sure if it was directed at her or Maria.  
"I don't know..." Ellie whispered back anyway with a shake of her head.

Tommy groaned, leaning back into his chair and folding his arm across his chest. "If they want to attack us, why now?"

"I don't think they want to attack us, Tommy." Ellie murmured, finally looking up to meet his eye. "If they wanted to, they would have done it, right?"

"Don't be stupid," Tommy warned with a stern tone.

"You know what Joel did." She said back just as strong. "What if they're after what he took away from them?"

"Joel had every right to do what he did." He frowned, banging his fist on the table.

"I know..." Ellie trailed off with a sigh, not wanting to get into an argument with him over the matter. "I forgive him for what he did but that doesn't mean they do, that they aren't willing to take back what they think he stole from them. If it came to that..."

"You're a person Ellie, not some possession. You have just as much right to decide what to do than anyone else." He scoffed, glancing towards Maria who stood there quietly, staring solemnly out the window.

"I don't know what else they would want, Tommy. I can't think of a reason they would be out here."

"Maybe they're just passing through?" He offered with a small shrug. "Maybe they're looking to recruit and grow their numbers again? They might need supplies? It could be as simple as that."

"Yeah," Ellie replied giving a small nod. "Maybe. Doesn't explain why they're creeping around out there, though. You can't miss this place."

"We can't just think the worst." Maria finally spoke, her voice wavering. "We increase the numbers on each patrol, just in case they're hostile. We need to be careful out there. People creeping around in those woods aren't a good sign regardless of what their intentions are and I don't want anyone getting hurt."

"Ellie, I don't want you to think on it too much," Tommy spoke, this time more softly as he leaned forward, reaching out and placing his hand on her arm. "We don't know anything yet. Once we know more we can go from there. Why don't you head home and get some rest?"

"Yeah, okay." Ellie nodded again, rising to her feet. "When you decide what to do, I want to be involved. I want to have a say." She requested, clenching her fists at her sides, looking between Tommy and Maria.

* * *

Ellie breathed a sigh of relief as she stepped into Dina's house, taking a moment to learn back against her door as she closed her eyes, feeling a little lighter already just being in Dina's presence.

"Are you okay, Ellie?" The black-haired woman asked, closing the gap between them.

Her hands slid easily over Ellie's cold cheeks and she held them tightly, waiting for her to look back in her eyes.

Ellie felt a crooked smile tug at her lips at the touch, finally she opened her eyes meeting the worried depths of Dina's. "I'm okay." She breathed softly, reaching up a hand to place over Dina's and leaning into her touch.

"Will you tell me what going on?" Dina questioned further, her eyes still searching the green of Ellie's for something, anything to explain her behavior from earlier. "I'm worried."

The auburn-haired girl nodded. "I will. But not tonight, please?" She requested, tilting her head further into Dina's palm, never able to get enough of her touch.

Ellie could tell she immediately wanted to argue but instead, she just nodded back, her face softening a little as she leaned up on her toes to place a gentle kiss to her lips. She stood still, allowing Dina's hands to drop and to slip over her shoulders, beginning to ease her jacket off her shoulders and she helped her shrug them off her arms. 

Ellie breathed deeply watching her figure as she gingerly lifted Joel's old coat on to the rack beside the door, running her hands slowly over the material like it was one of the most important things in the world, and to Ellie it was.   
"Come on." She muttered, taking Ellie's hand in hers and leading her to the couch. "Sit. I assume you haven't eaten yet?"

Ellie wanted to lie and say she had, not wanting Dina to fuss over her but she knew the grumble of her stomach would eventually give her away and that would make Dina furious. Instead, she reached up and rubbed the back of her head, giving a sheepish smile.

"Of course you haven't." Dina rolled her eyes, but she couldn't hide the smile on her face. "You rest okay, I'll make you something."

"You don't have to do that, Dina," Ellie said softly as she sat further against the back of the couch, placing her hand on Dina's wrist to keep her in place.

"I know I don't but I want to..." she said softly, looking back into Ellie's eyes she bit her bottom lip before looking down.

"Okay, but only something small." Ellie smiled, sliding her hand down to hers and pulling it to her lips. "You're too good for me."

Dina smirked, looking back up to her eyes. "Nah, you're just lucky you're cute."

Dina straightened up before sauntering to the kitchen but not before glancing over her shoulder and catching Ellie looking at her figure. She smiled to herself as she opened the fridge and hid behind the door, hiding the blush on her cheeks and the giddy smile on her face.

Ellie closed her eyes, tilting her head back until her neck was flush with the top of the couch. She wasn't sure what she was going to tell Dina about earlier. She knew it would just make her worry more and that's the last thing she wanted to do.

She couldn't even figure out all the thoughts in her brain, the jumbled mess causing her more and more discomfort the more she thought about it. How was she meant to explain why she thought the fireflies were here? As much as she wanted to believe Tommy and Maria, believe that it was just a coincidence, she couldn't. It was never just a coincidence, this world didn't allow for that anymore.

All she knew was that she wouldn't allow them to hurt anyone here. Not her friends, not her family, and especially not Dina and JJ.

She heard a faint crying at first before it steadily grew louder and she opened her eyes, fixing them to the roof where JJ's room would have been above. She tensed, unsure what to do, unsure what she was allowed to do. She didn't want to overstep her boundaries and ruin what they had worked to create.

"Shit." Dina murmured, appearing from the kitchen and starting towards the stairs.

"I can get him...?" Ellie asked apprehensively, nervously looking at her girlfriend.

Dina's face was unrecognizable for a moment and there was a long silence before her features softened. "Alright... he should go back to sleep. He's just overtired and he might have just lost his toy." she rambled.

Ellie nodded, assuring her she had this and rose to her feet, ascending the stairs. For a moment she paused outside his room, resting her hand against the door before turning the handle and stepping in.

Sat up in his bed was a tired JJ, crying as he rubbed at his eyes. 

Ellie's face melted as she watched him, unsure of how to handle it. A long time ago she would have been able to calm him without a single thought, it had been like second nature to her to fix anything that made him upset but now, now she wasn't even sure if he still recognized her in that way. While she would get comfort from him still, would he still get comfort from her?

"Hey, what's the matter, spud?" She whispered, tentatively taking a step forward and reaching out for him.

To her surprise, he didn't resist and held out his own arms to be picked up. Straight away and without hesitation he rested his head on her shoulder, sniffling as he clutched at her clothes, trying to pull himself closer to her body as he grizzled.

"Its okay, buddy." She spoke softly, as reassuring as she possibly could be. " Did you have a bad dream?" She rubbed gentle circles on his back, his breathing slowly beginning to become less and less ragged.

She felt her entire being melting as he clutched tightly at her, his grip loosening slightly the more calm he became. She gently bounced him, whispering to him that everything was going to be okay, that she would never let anything happen to him or his mother. That he would be safe and she meant it.

She sang softly to him, close to his ear as she rocked him back and forth and she wasn't sure if it was for him or for herself but either way it worked for both. As she continued to hum a tune she hadn't noticed the single tear that had slipped from her eyes until it rolled down her cheek, ending at the corner of her lips and she could taste the saltiness of it.

When she was sure he was calm enough and close to falling back asleep she laid him back down on the bed, grabbing his toy and placing it in his arms. He stared back at her, his eyes drooping and she reached out and stroked the hair on his head soothingly until they closed all the way.

Finally, when he was asleep she leaned down and placed a kiss to his forehead, giving his hair one more ruffle. "Sweet dreams, potato."

When she descended the stairs she was met with a smell that made her stomach growl, she closed her eyes taking it in and missing Dina scuttle back to the kitchen from her position at the base of the stairs where she had listened to Ellie serenade her son, making her heart feel complete again.

Ellie opened her eyes and continued her decent, as she rounded the corner to the kitchen she was met with a smile from Dina and a plate placed at the table.

Taking her cue she slid on to the chair in front of it and watched as Dina placed a drink beside her and slid into a chair opposite her.

"This both smells and looks really good, Dina." She grinned, picking up her knife and fork, cutting into the meat on the plate and stuffing it in her mouth.

Dina smiled dreamily, resting her head in her hands as she watched Ellie eat, her eyes wandered to every part of her body, lingering on her she held the knife and fork in her hands allowing her mind to wonder how she would hold her now.

"This is really good." Ellie insisted between mouthfuls. "Don't get me used to this."

"Stick around and you can get used to it." Dina murmured slowly, a red hue staining the bridge of her nose, becoming the backdrop for her many freckles.

Ellie arched her brow a little. "I will just for this I reckon."

Dina gave a small laugh. "Really? All you're thinking about is food?"

"I'm really hungry..." Ellie joked with a grin, it only growing wider when Dina smiled back at her. "You're beautiful." She said, swallowing down the lump of food in her throat.

"Say that when you don't have a full stomach." She teased.

"I mean it." Ellie insisted, meeting Dina's gaze before finishing what was on her plate.

"Yeah, I know." She grumbled looking down. 

Ellie stood from the table, picking up her dishes and walking them over to the sink.

"You don't have to wash that." Dina smiled, standing and walking over to touch her arm.

Ellie smiled back, continuing to wash the dishes. "You cooked, the least I can do is clean."

"Ellie..." Dina said more sternly, slipping her arm around the taller girl's waist.

Ellie hummed, turning around so that Dina's arm was now draped across her stomach and she backed up against the counter, her eyes firmly kept on the other woman.

She watched her. Her eyes flickering between her eyes and her lips, then her hands as they were raised and slipped over her cheeks before sliding passed and locking behind her head, pulling her lips down to meet hers.

Ellie tensed for only a moment, her neck arching to meet hers before she immediately relaxed at the contact, melting into her embrace and kissing her back.

When they separated to catch their breaths Dina looked down and laughed, wiping at the collar of Ellie's shirt where she had clearly been hugging JJ to her.

Ellie pouted and looked down seeing a snot stain on her shirt and she blushed out of embarrassment.

"JJ got you good, huh?" She asked, bringing her hand to her mouth to stifle another laugh.

Ellie groaned, trying to wipe at it with her own hands."He was upset. I think he did this on purpose."

"Ellie..." Dina repeated, much like before as she reached up and took her hands, biting her lower lip in a way that awoke a certain feeling deep in Ellie's gut. "Don't worry about it."

Keeping her hand tightly around the taller woman's she turned and lead her out of the kitchen, up the stairs and towards her bedroom. Once they were inside she closed the door behind them, leaving them in darkness, only bathed in the light of the moon.

"Ellie..." she breathed again, stepping back into the woman and pulling at the hem of her shirt. " Off." She demanded, aiding Ellie in removing it from her body without question.

Ellie shuddered and closed her eyes, taking in the feeling of Dina's skin against her own, feeling her soft fingertips brush against the skin of her stomach, tracing the length of her torso, gliding effortlessly over her scars as if they weren't even there, as if they didn't even matter.  
Stepping up on her toes Dina placed a soft kiss on her jawline, her hands finding her waist and pulling her body flush against her own, tracing the length all the way to the corner of her lips before pulling away and looking into her eyes.

At the loss of contact, eventually, Ellie opened her eyes, meeting Dina's lustful gaze with her own.

"Dina..." she mumbled lazily back, sliding her hands over her hips and holding her body close. "Are you sure?"

Dina responded by pressing her lips back to Ellie's, smiling against them before swiping her tongue against her lower lip, forcing her way into her mouth to deepen the kiss, leaving no time for being chaste.

"I want you, Ellie." She breathed against her mouth, refusing to separate as her hands continued to roam her body.

Ellie walked her back against the door frame, gripping her hips and forcefully shoving them back against the door, soliciting a moan from Dina as she made contact. She held her there, her fingernails digging into her skin as she latched on to her neck, trailing rough kisses that she knew would leave a mark. Briefly, she allowed herself to care before tossing that thought from her brain, she would deal with the fall out of that tomorrow when Dina realized but for now, she wasn't pushing her away so she continued.

She dropped her hands to the hem of Dina's shirt, separating just enough to pull it over her head before hungrily being back on her, her hands traveling up her bare torso to her bra clad breasts, running her hands over them and giving them a rough squeeze causing Dina to push further back against the wall.

Ellie quickly found her mouth again, catching the moan as she moved her hands to the button on Dina's jeans, tugging it open before pulling down the zip. Dina leaned down, helping Ellie pull them down her thighs before kicking them away leaving her standing in her underwear, and goosebumps painting her skin unsure if it was from the cold or Ellie's touch.

She smiled, her eyes holding Dinas before she looked down, taking in everything she could see in the moonlight.

"Ellie." Dina pouted, grabbing the waist of her pants and pulling her back to her, away from her prying gaze and hiding her body against her own.

Ellie pressed against her hips as Dina lifted a leg allowing her easier access and wrapped it around her body, holding Ellie closer, the contact burning her skin in a way only Ellie could.

Ellie kissed her cheek before pressing her own cheek against it as she glanced down, watching her fingers trace the length of her thigh before dancing over her hip and lingering above the band of her panties. She heard Dina groan and she moved her head, taking her ear lobe between her teeth and giving it a rough tug, savoring the quiet squeak that Dina produced as her hand slipped lower, her palm grazing her intimately as her fingers pushed aside the material that covered where Ellie wanted access to.

Holding the material to the side, she reached her thumb up swiping it against her clit and feeling Dina's body shudder and her breath hitch in her ear.

She smirked to herself, feeling how slick Dina already felt as she ran her fingers up and down the length, pausing at the opening before heading back up to the clit, feeling Dina push back against her every time before she took it away from her. She dropped her head back to her neck, nipping at the skin before biting down as she finally penetrated her, holding her fingers knuckle deep, allowing Dina time to adjust and accommodate the intrusion as the black-haired woman wrapped her arms around her neck, pulling her closer to her body.

"Ellie...fuck." she moaned lustfully in her ear as Ellie began plunging her fingers in and out, pausing at her fingertips before plunging back in deeply.

Ellie pressed her lips to Dina's shoulder, feeling her wrap her leg around her body tighter as she plunged faster, curling her fingers to make sure she hit the right spot and rubbing her clit with her thumb at the same time in the way that she knew Dina wouldn't last long.

Dina released a low guttural moan, biting down on Ellie's shoulder as she came, gently bucking her hips against her hand before stopping when the sensation became too much and Ellie held her, allowing her to ride out her wave of pleasure.

Ellie peppered light kisses on sweaty face, everywhere from her cheeks to her nose, to her jaw and her eyelids and Dina chuckled, lightly swatting at her as she rested her full weight against her body.

Sliding her hands down the back of her thighs Ellie hoisted Dina up, causing her to wrap her legs around her torso and she carried her over to the bed, laying her back down against the mattress before taking a moment to look down at her, taking in the beauty that was Dina. The woman that was hers.

Dina frowned, reaching up for Ellie and she obliged, leaning into her arms and immediately finding her lips, this time more gentle than she had earlier. She had loved Dina for as long as she could remember and she wanted to show her that.

She could feel the wetness pooling in her underwear but she could wait, taking care of Dina was all she wanted to do.

Ellie shifted from her lips, placing a trail of wet kisses along the length of her jaw, down her neck, across her collar bone and down the middle of her chest, stopping just above the material that covered her breasts. She glanced up at Dina, reaching around her as she arched her back off the ground and fumbled to unclasp her bra. It took a moment before she finally got it. Peeling it off her arms, her eyes glued to the breasts she had uncovered she disposed of it with a careless toss.

Her hand immediately found the left one as she dove down on the right one, taking it in her mouth and flicking her tongue against the erect nipple and squeezing the other one in her hand. When Dina moaned in response, squirming underneath her she took it between her teeth, giving it a rough tug and earning a louder moan as Dina reached her hand down and ran her fingers through Ellie's hair, gripping it tight and pushing her head closer to her body, urging her to keep going.

Ellie smiled against her skin, obliging for a moment before she released the pressure she had created with her mouth and much to Dina's disappointment, moved away from her breasts, placing kisses down her sternum, her hands roaming her body and touching every inch she could reach.

She had never forgotten Dina's body, committing it to her memory a long time ago but still, even now it felt like the first time, feeling as turned on as a teenager who was about to have their first time.

She lingered at the spot under her belly button before dropping to her hip while running the length of her finger along her inner thigh and she could smell her, a smell that would always make her feel drunk and make her want to get straight to it but she would wait.

She sat back, gently slipping her fingers around the hem of Dina's underwear and beginning to peel them off, Dina raising her hips off the mattress to aid her. Their eyes met and Ellie felt all the adoration she knew Dina felt for her in her lazy gaze. She watched her for a moment, watching as her breathing was labored and hitched anytime her fingers touched her skin. She enjoyed seeing Dina like that underneath her.

Ellie looked back down at her nude body, reaching out to run her palm over her hip thinking about how lucky she was that someone so beautiful both inside and out wanted her, chose to be with someone as fucked up and scarred as she was.

She snapped out of her daze when she felt Dina's hand slide over hers as she sat up, wrapping her arms around Ellie's neck and pulling her lips to hers, taking away any hesitation Ellie felt.

It was a quick kiss but it did its job. Dina peeled away and laid back, Ellie dropping back between her legs and placing another kiss to her hips, her fingers dancing against the skin of the other woman's thighs, going higher and higher with every movement.  
She could tell by the way Dina was breathing and wiggling underneath that she couldn't take the teasing but still she didn't tell her to go faster or rush her, allowing her to take her time and appreciate her.

She gently shifted her legs further apart, dropping to place a soft kiss on the sensitive skin of her inner thigh, trailing them right along until she reached Dina's most intimate part, feeling her breathing halt in anticipation. She didn't make her wait, moving in her mouth immediately found her clit and Dina managed a guttural groan, reaching back down to Ellie's hair and holding a tight fistful.

She licked and sucked enthusiastically, getting into a rhythm with the bucks of Dina's hips as she keened towards her, the motions quickening as she got closer to the edge. With her mouth firmly latched on Ellie dragged her fingertip up the inside of her thigh before placing a digit at her entrance and when Dina bucked back against her she inserted it in, slipping in easy with how wet Dina had become.

"Fuck." Dina groaned, pulling Ellie's face tighter to her in response, wanting more and more contact.

Ellie smiled, swiping harder with her tongue and when she pulled out her finger, she readied a second, slowly plunging back into Dina right to her knuckle warning a muffled scream in response as Dina laid her free arm over her face.

Ellie curled her fingers, pumping in a slow deliberate manner as she continued to eat her out. She knew she could have ended it a long time ago but she didn't want to, she wanted to keep making Dina feel good, keeping her close to the edge and her groans and grunts in pleasure were like music to her ears.

She didn't want it to be like when they had fucked before when Dina had taken her back to her house, quick and full of need, not really focusing on what either of them wanted or actually needed. Just going through the motions to scratch an itch they both had.  
She didn't want that.

She wanted all of Dina in her entirety. Underneath her and on top of her, inside of her.

When she felt Dina's movements and breaths quicken signaling she was close, she quickened her motions, pushing in deeper and pausing for a moment before pulling out and doing the same again, allowing Dina to push her face so hard against her she could barely breathe but she didn't care. She could feel her tightening around her fingers so she followed through until Dina bucked her hips once more aggressively against her and arched her back of the ground, forcing her closer to Ellie's mouth and holding her firmly there as she rode out her orgasm, twitching a few times before finally releasing her grip from Ellie's head and dropping back to the mattress, her breathing heavy and ragged.

With a smirk, Ellie wiped at her mouth with the back of her hand, shifting so she could lay beside her. She propped herself up on her arm and leaned over her, watching her chest as it quickly rose and fell.

Dina's arm still covered her sweaty, red face as she attempted to get her breathing back under control, taking in deep breaths like a fish underwater.

Ellie kept grinning and only when she moved her hand to brush a strand of Dina's matted black hair off her forehead did she pull her arm away, their eyes finally meeting and Ellie saw what she always hoped she would see again, love.

"Don't look at me " Dina mumbled, shoving her gently in the shoulder, her face too red already to even entertain the embarrassment she felt from the other woman smirking at her.

"You're beautiful." Ellie murmured back, leaning down to place a gentle kiss to Dina's lips, tasting the salt.

"Fuck, Ellie." She groaned, her breathing only mildly improving as she squirmed underneath her, becoming more and more aware of the wetness between her thighs.

"Good?" She asked, keeping her eyes fixed on her.

"Good," Dina repeated with a small nod.

Dina looked back into her eyes before reaching up and placing her palms to her chest and giving her a gentle shove, maneuvering them both until she was on top, straddling Ellie's waist and the wetness she felt between her legs transferred to her skin but neither of them cared.

The black-haired woman dropped her head, gently nudging her nose against Ellie's, her lips inches away and when she responded by leaning up to meet her Dina pulled away.

"Your turn." She breathed against her lips lustfully, placing her hand back to her chest and pushing her back down.

She sat back on Ellie's crotch, making sure to press down against her to cause some friction before reaching down and taking her hands, guiding them to her hips before up her waist and finally over her breasts. She squeezed her hands over Ellie's and gave a small moan before dropping her own hands back to Ellie's stomach and leaning forward as she continued to massage them, still barely grinding her hips.

Ellie bit her lip, running her thumb over the very tips of Dina's nipples before squeezing the flesh, looking up at her as she moved on top of her body, each movement sending an urgency shooting down her body to her loins and she very much wanted to get out of her pants and have Dina help quell it.

"Do you want me?" Dina asked, resting her hands beside Ellie's head as she leaned over her.

"I want you," Ellie repeated back, her eyes never leaving Dina's. "I've always wanted you."

Dina came down, crashing their lips together in an urgent kiss and Ellie immediately wrapped her arms around her neck to keep their bodies together incase Dina tried to pull away to tease her.

Dina shifted her body, moving until her legs were straddling Ellie's thigh, her knee firmly pressed against her crotch and she smiled when she felt Ellie grind back against her, gently at first before becoming more urgent in which she responded by putting more pressure on the area.

"Dina." Ellie groaned sliding her hands over her back. "Pants?" She questioned, sniffing her nails into her skin, wanting nothing more to be out of the restricting material.

Dina smirked and Ellie knew by the look on her face she was going to deny her request but to her surprise she only reached for the button and effortlessly tugged it open, unzipping her Jean's and tugging them off her legs.

She quickly moved back into her previous position, putting more pressure on Ellie's groin as she loomed over her. She loved having Ellie flustered and begging under her, knowing that she could easily reverse the situation but she wouldn't because all Ellie wanted was her attention and when they were behind closed doors Ellie would be anything she needed her to be.

Dina slid her soft hand over Ellie's cheek, allowing it to linger there as she stared into her eyes, hoping to convey that she did love her despite not being ready to say it to her again yet.

She brought her lips back to hers, kissing her with everything she could muster as she snaked her hand between them. She fiddled with the waist of her panties before sliding her fingers between them and down into her folds, finally feeling how wet she had become.

Dina pulled away for a moment to arch her brow at her, a content smirk on her face and feeling proud about what she could do to Ellie.

"Shut up." Ellie murmured, her face red but still she kept looking at Dina being perfectly vulnerable for her at that moment.

Dina only shook her head, placing a kiss to the tip of her nose before finding her lips again, allow her fingers to trace enticing circles around her clit before Ellie's moaning got too much for her and she dropped her finger lower, sinking it into Ellie.

Ellie gasped against her lips, digging her nails back into her skin as she ground back against her hand, wanting nothing more than that release Dina would offer.

There was a faint cry and the two girls ignored it, entrapped in each other they continued, Dina moving her finger in and out of Ellie, her palm firmly pressed to her clit causing her to cry out every time she ground back into her movements. 

Dina continued to push her further and further, closer to the edge until the cry got louder and they could no longer ignore it.

Dina sighed, dropping her forehead to Ellie's shoulder, breathing so hard against her skin it tickled.

Ellie wrapped her arms around her shoulders, feeling her remove her hand from her panties and her body collapse against hers. She laughed, pulling her closer, her breath ragged and raspy.

"Sorry..." Dina laughed with her when she finally sat up enough to look at her.

"It's okay." Ellie smiled back, tucking her hair behind her ear and pressing her lips to her forehead.

Reluctantly Dina rose to her feet, hastily throwing on a shirt and her underwear before opening the door and padding down the hall to her child's room.

Ellie sighed and sat up, maneuvering until she was sitting on the side of Dina's bed, her loins arching for contact again but certain this was it for the night if her memory served her right, knowing JJ had a habit of working his way into his mother's bed during the night. 

Rising to her feet she found her own shirt, pulling it over her head before she sat back down and waited.

She wasn't concerned about not getting to finish, glad that she at least got to make Dina feel good. She smiled looking down, playing back the memory of Dina squirming underneath her, moaning her name and clutching her close. She had missed being intimate with her, longing for the way it felt to be hers again.

She was glad Dina had given her the chance to be that again.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed when Dina finally returned, but when she did she had a very upset JJ in her arms and Ellie watched as he clung tightly to her body, her heart immediately sinking.

"He had a nightmare." She offered, looking at Ellie sympathetically. "Refused to stay in his own bed."

"It's okay." Ellie smiled back. "Are you okay Spud?" She asked as Dina closed the distance between them.

She placed the child on the bed and they both watched him immediately crawl over the covers to the pillows before climbing under them, dead set in the middle of the bed. Ellie laughed, and Dina laughed back as she turned to look at her.

"Momma, bed." the little boy demanded, reaching out for her.

"Alright," Dina replied with a roll of her eyes but there was a permanent smile on her face. 

Ellie watched as she slipped under the covers with him, resting on her side as he cuddled up against her body, thinking she had never seen a more perfect scene before now. Anything involving Dina and JJ was perfect to her.

Dina reached over his body, gently stroking his face and hair as he closed his eyes, already drifting off into a contented sleep. 

Ellie sighed, whipping her head around the room to try and find her pants. When she located them she walked over them, reaching down to pick them up. She had just begun to pull them on when Dina spoke, her voice in the dark momentarily startling her.

"What are you doing?" she asked, her voice husky.

"Trying to locate my clothes." she smiled, straightening up to stair at her girlfriend. "I should get home before it gets too late so you can get some rest."

"Ellie Williams." Dina scoffed. "Are you really going to sleep with me and run?"

"What? No." Ellie stammered, shaking her head hard. "That's not it. I just thought..."

"Stay." Dina requested, her eyes meeting Ellie's.

Ellie looked down, unsure. "Are you sure?"

"Ellie." Dina warned. "I want you to stay."

Ellie exhaled and nodded, dropping her pants and moving to the side of Dina's bed. It took her a moment but finally, she crawled under the covers and rested her head on the pillow, staring down at JJ between them and then to Dina on the other side.

Dina smiled at her, reaching over her son to take Ellie's hand and giving it a hard squeeze. "Sorry..." she muttered, trailing off.

"What for?" Ellie whispered back.

"I didn't uh... You didn't get to finish." she finally stammered out, blushing as she kept her eyes fixed to Ellie's.

Ellie laughed, running her thumb over Dina's knuckles. "It's okay. I'll survive."

Dina offered a sympathetic smile in return. 

"Really." Ellie insisted. 

"I missed that." Dina spoke softly, dropping her head to the pillow, her eyes still fixed on Ellie. "You're all I want like that... to see me like that."

Ellie blushed, continuing to play with her fingers. "I've missed you so much, Dina. This. Us. Everything. I'm not sharing you again."

"Ellie." Dina murmured. "You keep doing what you just did to me and I'll keep you around." she whispered, reaching over to place her hand against Ellie's shoulder. 

"I think I can do that." Ellie gave a small laugh, reaching up her hand to slide over Dina's, turning her head to place a kiss to it. "If that's all it takes to keep you around I'll do it every night."

"Oh really?" Dina asked with an arched brow. "Every night?"

"Yeah." Ellie blushed further. 

"Tomorrow." Dina smirked, drawing circles against the material of her shirt. "It's your turn tomorrow and then maybe I'll let you do me again."

Ellie smiled and rolled her eyes. "I think you can take the maybe right out of there."

"Oh? I let you sleep in my bed once and you're already this cocky? I might send you home tomorrow." Dina teased.

"Dina." Ellie exhaled deeply, reaching out her hand to run the back of her fingers over Dina's cheek. "I know you can't say it and I know you don't know when you'll be able to, but I need you to know that no matter what happens, I love you." she finished, gently rubbing her thumb over her jaw. "And I really want to kiss you right now but there's a sack of potatoes between us."

Dina smiled, blinking slowly as she stared back at her girlfriend. "I know. I know you do, Ellie."

"I just needed you to know that." Ellie affirmed, settling her head back on the pillow, relaxing as they held each other's gaze. 

"C'mere." Dina reached down, tugging at Ellie's shirt and pulling her closer so JJ was wedged more between them. 

The black-haired woman reached up, sliding her hand over Ellie's jaw and pulling her lips to hers. Ellie kissed her back, working with the gentle rhythm she had set. She would never get sick of kissing her.

"You better be here when I wake up." Dina mumbled sleepily when she pulled away, resting her head back on the pillow and closing her eyes. "I'm not a one night stand. And tomorrow you're going to tell me everything."

Ellie smiled, reaching up to brush a loose strand of hair behind her ear and off her face before settling back down on the pillow, her face close to Dina's. When she reached up to grab her hand, Ellie obliged, tangling their fingers together.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'know, fuck Covid, man.
> 
> I wanted to get something up before the weekend, with New Zealand potentially going back into lockdown after being free from the virus for 102 days. I had intended to get some more chapters up this week but due to everyone panic buying I've been putting in 14 hour days and I'm tiiirreedd but I needed to write something soft to make me feel better and appease my love for these two characters.
> 
> Please entertain me over the weekend with some great comments and I'll hopefully have something more up for you guys soon.

Ellie's eyes fluttered open. Slow blinks at first daring to be longer after every one. It took her a moment to gauge her surroundings, realizing quickly she wasn't in her own home. Tense at first, she immediately relaxed when she remembered just exactly where she was only to notice that she was now alone, there was no JJ and Dina.

She closed her eyes and pulled the covers tighter around her body, allowing the faint sounds of Dina downstairs to lull her into comfort. She knew Dina was safe at that moment so she didn't consider there to be much rush for her to leave the bed.

She took heavy, even breaths, breathing in Dina's scent that had stained the bedding, a familiar scent that always put her at ease. She felt a smile tug at the corner of her lips, reminiscing the night before, what had been and what almost had been in her case. She clenched her thighs together, shifting slightly as the memories began to awaken a feeling in her lower gut.

If someone had have told her that when she came back here that one day she would be waking up in Dina's bed again, there was no way she would have believed them. While she had been optimistic, when she had started dating Jack she had thought it was all over, sure that once she was with someone else she would have realized just how much better they were than she was, how much less fucked up.

Ellie never wanted that to happen, but she was powerless to change anything.

Ellie knew she would never be able to move on, though. Once she had Dina she knew that that was it for her. When she was younger she had once heard from the old married couple on the outskirts of town that you only had a love like that once in your life, and once they were gone that was it, and in times like these, it was rare to even find that person. Some would now go their entire life without coming in to contact with that person for them. 

You could love again but you would never be in love like you once were, it would never be the same.

She didn't understand what they had meant back then but she did now.

Dina had always been it for her, maybe she had always known that. Even when they were kids there was just something about her that just hit different to anyone else. Back when they were dumb kids unable to express their feelings or entertain their own wants, dating other people to mask their true feelings just to maintain their friendship was never really just a friendship.

Back then Ellie could convince herself that that was just how best friends acted. Having sleepovers, hugging, and touching all the time, flirtatious teasing. They had never experienced the world outside of the apocalypse, nor had she ever had a best friendship like this, so who was she to say that this just wasn't how it was meant to be. She didn't know any better.

Now older and somewhat wiser, with hindsight she could picture every single word, every embrace, and realize the intention behind it feeling somewhat annoyed at all the times they wasted not being together.

Ellie took a deep breath, allowing her body to crack an eye open to try and gauge what time it now was. By the light filtering into the room, she knew it was late morning but she didn't want to get up. Didn't want to be forced to entertain the fact that she would have to actually have to think about what the earlier day had meant. Most importantly she didn't want this moment with Dina to end.

Eventually, she would but for now, she was content hiding in bed for as long as she could get away with it.

"Are you pretending to sleep so you can avoid our conversation?" Dina teased, the floorboards creaking under her feet as she crossed the room and took a seat on the edge of the bed.

"Of course not." Ellie huffed, pulling the covers up around her mouth so Dina wouldn't see her smile, her true tell of when she was lying.

"Mhmm." Dina hummed softly. "Are you going to grace us with your presence today?"

Ellie shook her head, looking up from her spot on the pillow to her girlfriend. "Uh uh. I don't wanna."

"You want to stay in bed all day?" She asked, reaching down to rub the back of her fingers over Ellie's cheek.

"Maybe." Ellie breathed, closing her eyes and focusing all her senses on the touch.

Dina only smiled as she looked down at Ellie, realizing just how much had changed. Not just since Ellie had returned to Jackson but even over the last couple of weeks. She seemed lighter, more even in her responses but she could tell something was wrong, something that wasn't there before they went out on patrol yesterday. Some kind of weight was back and she wondered just how heavy it was.

Dina shifted her body, maneuvering to lay on top of the covers beside the Auburn haired girl. She kept her eyes trained on her, watching for anything in her face that would give it away.

Ellie opened her eyes at the shifting on the mattress, coming face to face with Dina who offered her a small but strained smile, the crease on her forehead giving away her sense of worry. She kept the blanket firmly over her mouth and nose, her eyes peering back at her girlfriend, studying the warmth in their depths and feeling safe in them.

"I don't want to get up today." Ellie murmured.

"You don't have to." Dina offered, reaching over to her cheek again and rubbing her thumb up and down the length of her jaw. "You can stay here as long as you want to."

"JJ?" Ellie asked, closing her eyes and only focusing on Dina's touch. "And Koby."

"I've already taken him to daycare today and Koby is fed and sleeping at the bottom of the stairs, I think he's worried that he hasn't seen you today." Dina laughed, her lips tugged into a small smile. "He's been waiting at the stairs for you."

Ellie took a deep breath, holding it in her lungs before exhaling. "And you?"

Dina's smile widened. "I have to go to the clinic for my shift soon."

"Oh." Ellie pulled a face, tugging the blanket down from her mouth. 

"I've got a little while though... And you're welcome to stay here." She whispered quietly, her voice soothing. "Do you want to tell me why you don't want to get up."

Ellie shook her head softly. "Because I like your bed?"

Dina laughed and Ellie smiled, looking down from her gaze. She missed this, the quiet moments when it was just them or the family moments with JJ. She hated that she allowed herself to be stubborn for so long to miss so much of this.

That she didn't fight for her sooner. She was always worth tearing everything down for.

Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat, bringing her eyes back up to Dina's. "Take a picture, it'll last longer..." 

"Ellie." Dina rolled her eyes. "You can't joke your way out of the situation either, plus I already have pictures of you. I could definitely use some more though."

"Oh, you do?" Ellie asked with an arched brow. 

Dina blushed, looking away to avoid her gaze. "Well, yeah... Of course. You think I just threw them all away?

"Will I start seeing them creep around your house?" Ellie grinned. "Maybe next time I stay there will be a big ol' one right beside your bed."

"You think you're joking but maybe... There's my favorite one in my bedside table." Dina admitted, nodding to the table beside Ellie.

Ellie gave a lopsided smile in return before rolling over. Sitting up and resting on her arm, she reached over and pulled open the drawer. There was a pause in her heart as she reached in, retrieving the picture Dina was talking about. It was more worn then she remembered it being when she last saw it, torn at the edges and creased in more places then it wasn't with obvious tear stains warping the paper.

She ran her fingers gently over the image, they were younger in the photo and more carefree. One of their first photos together, Dina had begged Ellie for a long time for just one photo but Ellie hated her face, hated seeing her eyes, and remembering the things she and Joel had done. Eventually, Dina had worn her down, begging for just one and finally she conceded realizing that she would only stop asking if she obliged but as she held out the polaroid camera and Ellie pulled the best fake grin she could Dina had turned her face and pressed her lips to her cheeks. As her face began to turn red Dina had pressed the button, capturing her true happy expression and Dina's upturned lips on her skin.

Ellie had always fumed over the fact that Dina had purposefully done that to her to get proof that she could get under her skin but looking back now she knew that the guise of the picture had afforded Dina the opportunity to do something she had always wanted to without having to explain her actions. 

They took another one after that, Ellie knowing that she still had that one too, but it was always this one that seemed to be front and center of her room.

Ellie looked over her shoulder, furrowing her brow as she looked at her girlfriend. "I didn't know you still had this."

Dina pursed her lips and gave a small shrug. "You were too important of a memory back then to get rid of anything. Even at my angriest when I threw them away, I immediately went out to get them."

Ellie clenched her eyes shut, taking deep even breaths to calm her feelings. She placed the picture back in the draw as gently as she pulled it out and shut it back. She laid back on the bed, turning back to face Dina and pulling up the covers again.

"I can find you a frame and you can put that one beside your bed." she offered with an unsure smile.

"I thought you hated that one?" Dina asked with an arched brow.

"I did but it's kind of grown on me since then." Ellie licked her lips and looked down.

"Alright." Dina said softly. "I'd like that."

Ellie looked back up, her tentative smile replaced by a smirk as she reached out and tugged at Dina's shirt. "Get under the covers with me."

"Ellie." Dina laughed, allowing herself to be pushed and tug, Ellie, trying to manipulate her under the blanket. "I have to go soon."

Ellie continued shifting the blankets under they enveloped her girlfriend, ignoring her words of protests as she didn't put up a fight and when she finally got her underneath she pulled her close, pressing her lips to her cheek before moving them to her neck.

"What are you doing?" Dina giggled, shifting her head against Ellie's.

"I just wanted to recreate the picture." Ellie smiled, her lips curving against the skin of Dina's neck.

"Yeah, okay. But now you're kissing my neck." Dina pointed out, her eyes fluttering closed.

"Yeah, and now I'm kissing your shoulder." Ellie replied, moving down to kiss where she stated.

"What are you doing?" she breathed, reaching her hand out to run her fingers down the skin of Ellie's arm.

"Nothing." Ellie whispered, gliding her hand under Dina's shirt and over the bones of her hips before resting it on her waist and giving it a soft squeeze. "What are you doing?"

"Ellie." Dina laughed, playfully shoving at her shoulder. 

"Dina." Ellie laughed back, kissing her way back up her neck and adding in a tender nip just to hear her breath hitch.

Dina shover her shoulder harder, rolling her over on her back and climbing on top of her to sit back on her hips. With her hands placed to her shoulders, she pinned her down, arching an eyebrow at her. "What are you up to?"

Ellie only grinned back up at her, moving her hands to slide over her hips and attempt to tug her body back down to hers. "I told you I'm not doing anything but if I _was_ to be doing anything, it would be to be kissing you."

Dina rolled her eyes with exaggeration before leaning down and placing a chaste kiss to Ellie's lip, biting her lip as she pulled away and meeting the depths of Ellie's green eyes, momentarily getting lost in them.

While distracted Ellie grabbed a fistful of Dina's shirt and dragged her back down to her lips, capturing them in a slow, deliberate kiss to elicit a response from her girlfriend. When she didn't get what she wanted, she bit down on her lower lip, tugging roughly until she came back at her, slipping her tongue into her mouth as she deepened the kiss.

When Ellie tried to move Dina only put more pressure on her shoulders, firmly holding her to the bed. She whimpered in response against her lips as she instead tried to shift her hips, only to be more firmly held down again. 

Instead, she allowed herself to be held down, enjoying Dina's body pressed against hers and the way her lips were working hard against hers, how her hips crashed down into her own.

"Ellie." Dina breathed, finally pulling away just enough to speak. "I'm going to be late."

"Then be late." Ellie challenged, holding her with a fiery gaze.

Dina sat back a little, biting the inside of her cheek but keeping her eyes on Ellie's, fighting an internal struggle of whether or not she should stay. She knew both what she should do and what she wanted to do. With a contented sigh, she reached down to the hem of her shirt, tugging it in one swift movement over her head. 

Ellie beamed, attempting to sit up, only to be shoved back down to the mattress by Dina. "Uh uh."

"Come on." Ellie pouted, wiggling underneath in an attempt to gain some sort of upper hand.

To her surprise, Dina yielded and allowed her to roll them. She paused, them both laying on their sides and captured her lips again, sliding her hand over her cheek in a feeble attempt to pull her closer, to feel her lips crash harder into her own.

Dina's hand rested on her hip, digging her nails into the skin and working it closer to her own until they were touching and Ellie's knee effortlessly slipped between her own legs, causing a muffled moan to escape against her girlfriend's lips.

As dina grinded back down against her thigh Ellie reached down and worked the button of her jeans open, pulling at the waist of them to get them just enough for her hand to slip into the front of her underwear and not be so restricted. The moans against her lips from Dina urging her to continue onwards, her middle finger rubbing over her clit and down into her folds.

Ellie didn't need to move her hand, Dina continued to grind against her, her thigh holding her hand firmly in place as Dina worked against it, her breath quickening after every thrust of her hips.

"Ellie." she moaned, shifting her hands from the front of Ellie's shirt to the front of her underwear and slipping her own hand inside her underwear.

Dina separated from Ellie's lips, and instead pressed her forehead firmly to hers, glancing down as her hand worked it's way further into Ellie's underwear, her fingers grazing over her clit and further like Ellie had done to her before heading back up and rubbing her in gentle circular motions.

Ellie closed her eyes, gently brushing her nose against Dina's as she focused on what her hands were doing and the way her breath was hitting her lips. She groaned feeling Dina's fingers wander lower, teasing her at her entrance so she becked her hips against them hoping it would be enough to get her to give her what she wanted.

When she opened her eyes, she watched Dina's face angelic with pleasure, her eyebrows furrowed as she continued to move against Ellie's hand. She gasped finally feeling Dina enter her, shifting to try and work her deeper. 

Ellie caught her lips in another kiss before moving to rest her head back against Dina's falling into a rhythm with her as they moved against each other, the sounds of their heavy breathing and moans filling the silence of the room.

It didn't take long under Ellie could feel herself on the brink of orgasm, Dina catching on and pressing her palm more flush against her clit, working her finger as fast and as deep as she could with the limited space. Ellie moved her finger faster against Dina's clit, more urgently as her own breaths became ragged and her movements desperate.

Dina opened her eyes, watching Ellie writhe against her hand and smiled softly as she felt her tense against her fingers, managing one final thrust of her hips as she came. She left her hand there as Ellie continued to work her, bringing her to orgasm not long after.

Dina kept their foreheads pressed firmly together, her eyes still on Ellie as she removed her hand and brought it up to her pink cheeks waiting for her to finally open her eyes. When her breathing slowed to more steady movements she finally did, smiling when her eyes met hers.

"I love you." Ellie whispered quietly, her chest still rising and falling heavily as she stared back into Dina's eyes.

Dina brought her lips back to Ellie, kissing her hard and fast before ending with many short little kisses earning a laugh from her.

"Enough." Ellie continued to laugh, faux pushing at Dina but not putting up much of a tight.

Dina moved to pepper kisses over her cheeks and nose before back to her lips, her lips curling more and more into a smile with each one. Satisfied with how many kisses she had placed she pressed her forehead back to her girlfriends and pulled her body close.

"I have to go." Dina finally sighed after a moment. "You've made me late."

"I'll be here when you get back?" Ellie asked, wanting the reassurance it would be okay for her to stay here.

"Please." Dina smiled. "I'd like you here when I get back."

Ellie only smiled in return, gazing at her girlfriend with complete and utter adoration, her mind swimming with thoughts of what she had done to deserve someone so beautiful and so kind.

"But Ellie... we need to talk when I get home, okay? You can't just distract me with this..." she finished with an arched brow. "As much as I enjoy it, let's just talk first, alright?"

Dina leaned over and placed a final kiss to Ellie's lips before shifting out of the bed and fixing her clothes. Ellie rolled on to her back and rested her arms behind her head, watching as Dina moved around the room and fixed her appearance before pausing in the doorway and turning around to face her.

"Ellie..." Dina began looking at the girl in her bed. "I l... I'm really glad you're here... with me. I don't want you to go anywhere. You'll be here when I get back?" she asked, looking for reassurance that she wouldn't be gone when she got home.

Ellie nodded. "I told you, I'm not going anywhere, Dina."

Dina nodded in response, taking one final looking before turning and leaving.

Ellie sighed, shifting her attention to the ceiling, listening as Dina said goodbye to Koby, hearing her tell him to take care of her and watch over her. She wanted to smile, her words warming her body but she couldn't manage it.

As much as she wanted to, now that Dina wasn't here she couldn't continue pretending that everything was perfect. Eventually, when Dina got home she wouldn't allow her to continue to pretend that there was nothing wrong, she would want her to talk about it. She wasn't sure how she would explain it to her, or how she would feel about it.

If the fireflies had come here for her because she was still the world's only hope she wasn't sure what she would do. She was divided between choosing humanity or being selfish enough to continue living her life. The cure would help those she loved but she wouldn't be around to witness it.

They were alive and safe now so what was the use of a cure.

She knew though that if anything happened to Dina or JJ she would never forgive herself if one of them got bitten she couldn't live with knowing she could have been the difference between life and death.

On the other hand, she couldn't bring herself to consider going with them, tearing herself away from her family again. She had made a promise to Dina that she wouldn't go anywhere, that she was here to stay and fight for her family so what would she think if she chose to go?

She wouldn't forgive her and Ellie knew she likely would reject any vaccine they made out of principle. Why would she want any part of her to be a permanent part of her?

Ellie exhaled, closing her heavy eyes matching her heavy heart. 

Would it even be her decision? Would they ask her for help or would they take her? 

They were willing to kill her without asking her in the past, without telling Joel what was going on. They had to qualms with taking her life for what they considered the betterment of humanity so why would that be different now?

If that happened she would have no choice but to go without a fight. She couldn't risk anyone getting hurt because of her, she wouldn't have any more blood on her hands.

She turned over, curling up into a ball like she always had when she was a child and she felt alone, wishing Dina didn't have to go. She hugged her knees tightly to her chest, burying her face in her knees.

For the moment she could stay here and pretend that they had never gone on patrol yesterday, everything was fine. That when Dina came home she would come to bed and make everything okay again.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been to the dentist (aka the murder house) today, my face is numb but I needed some Ellie/Dina to make me feel better so just a quick update today, but I will also have more time to write a bit better this week- will be dipping into the fireflies and just what the heck they're doing a bit more in the coming chapters.

Ellie stalked the streets, the present she had braved the outdoors for tucked under her arm and hands stuffed heavily in her pockets, head down and her strides long and meaningful.

She wasn't sure of the exact time but knew it was now clearly evening, the last of the sunset beginning to disappear over the horizon, and the only light coming from the lights strung along the paths.

She smiled and nodded when people greeted her before dropping her head again in an effort to pretend she didn't see most of them so she wouldn't have to interact. She hadn't intended to be so long and needed to get back, but she couldn't settle on just what one would be best. It shouldn't have been a difficult decision, she knew Dina wouldn't care either way but it mattered to her, wanting it to be the perfect one for the perfect image.

She could hear the soft pads of Koby's paws as he trotted beside her, his body pressed firmly to her leg as they walked. It was moderately annoying to have him constantly pressing into her but it was a protective habit he had picked up and she was okay with that, wondering if he would do the same if he were to follow Dina or even JJ. She was certain she would be glad for it then, knowing he was just as protective of the people she loved.

When she reached the stairs of her porch she bounded up them, only taking every second one, pausing only for a moment as she raised her head and saw that there were now lights on. She pulled a face, mentally kicking herself for not making her way back earlier. Dropping her hand to the handle she twisted it and pushed the door open, allowing Koby to slot in before shutting it behind her.

Before she even had the chance to take off her coat her eyes fell on Dina, her hand pressed firmly to her forehead and her free hand on her hip before her eyes lifted and met her own and with purposeful strides, she made her way over to Ellie.

She paused in front of her and Ellie was sure she was about to get berated for not being here when she got home, for not keeping her word but as Dina stared at her with a steely gaze, it quickly melted away and she threw herself into her arms.

"I'm sorry." Ellie murmured, dropping her hands to the shorter woman's lower back.

She felt Dina shake her head against her shoulder in response. "You can't tell me you're going to be somewhere and then not be there... I thought you'd..." she trailed off, gripping the front of Ellie's shirt tightly in her fist.

"I know, I'm sorry." Ellie repeated, rubbing her back slowly in an attempt to ease her worries. "I thought I'd be back in time. I just wanted to get something for you."

When Dina took a step back, Ellie held out the frame in front of her that had been previously tucked under her arm.

Dina delicately took it in her hands, looking at it before back up at Ellie.

Ellie offered her a reassuring smile before reaching up and rubbing at the back of her neck, looking down as the heat rose to her cheeks. "Y'know, for that picture upstairs so you can put it on your dresser."

It took a moment but Dina smiled, then grinned before beaming at her girlfriend. "You're such a fucking sap."

Ellie smiled softly back, her mind not allowing it to spread further on her cheeks as she watched Dina turn and head back to the kitchen where JJ was sat having his dinner in his high chair. With the distance between them now she shrugged off her jacket, hanging it up on the hook and before she could follow her, Koby had already beaten her to it.

She rolled her eyes wondering who was more hopelessly in love with the woman, her or her dog.

He barked softly to get her attention as he sat in front of her, waiting patiently for her to pet him.

"Who's a handsome boy." she mused excitedly, kneeling down and roughing his fur up as he stood and threw his body against hers, threatening to push her down.

Ellie rolled her eyes, walking over to JJ and ruffling his hair. "Hey, Spud." she smiled down at him when he looked up to her.

He squealed, reaching out for her to be removed from his chair and she briefly thought about giving him his own way until she looked up and received a stern look from his mother. Sheepishly she took his wrists, giving them a gentle shake before placing them back to his plate of food in front of him.

"Eat your food bud and then we'll play."

"Ewwie" he mouthed, gripping a piece of broccoli tightly in his fist and lifting it to offer to her.

Ellie pulled a face and shook her head. "No way, pal. That broccoli is reserved specifically for you." She again took his hand, manipulating it until the food was put in his own mouth. "It's fucking disgusting too." She whispered under her breath.

"Ellie." Dina frowned in response. "He's a sponge."

"He didn't hear me." She smiled back, waving dismissively.

"-uck" JJ exclaimed excitedly raising both his fists to the sky, a toothy grin on his chubby cheeks.

"Ellie!"

Ellie looked sheepishly at Dina as she frowned, reaching over to again ruffle the child's hair. "Oops."

* * *

After dinner and JJ had been put to bed, he received three full stories from Ellie to help him fall asleep. Dina had only rolled her eyes, Ellie offering only one story before JJ demanded three, of course, they compromised and that's how they arrived at three stories. Ellie had always been bad at negotiating.

Dina placed a glass in her hand, taking a seat beside her on the couch and Koby moved swiftly to sit at her feet, leaving Ellie's side. She rolled her eyes, bringing the glass to her lips. She couldn't blame him, everyone gravitated to Dina.

"Did you have a good day?" Dina asked tentatively, clasping her glass in both of her hands.

"Mhmm." Ellie nodded. "I slept a lot."

Dina raised her brow, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "Do you feel better now?"

"I think so." she again nodded. "It was uh... nice being in your bed. You know, more comfortable I guess."

"So..." Dina began, trailing off for a moment before finding her voice again. "Then do you think it's time you tell me what's going on?"

Ellie sighed and closed her eyes, knowing it was always coming but it certainly didn't make it any easier. She had thought about it all morning, and then some more in the afternoon when she had woken up after falling asleep. Again on the way to retrieve the frame and as she walked back to her home.

"Dina..." she began, pausing to take a deep breath. She shifted, resting her elbows on her knees as she looked down at the glass in her hands. "Do you remember what I told you about the fireflies?"

"Yeah." Dina nodded. "They thought they could use you for a cure and well... what Joel did."

"It makes no sense for them to be out here, Dina." Ellie murmured, turning her face to her girlfriend. "What if they're looking for me?"

Dina shook her head. "That makes no sense, Ellie. How would they even know you're here."

"I don't know, Dina." Ellie replied honestly, turning back to her drink.

"Is that what you're so worried about?" Dina asked, scooting closer to Ellie's side and resting a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "You know that you're safe here."

"I don't want anyone to get hurt because of me." Ellie whispered, running her thumb along the rim of the glass. " If it came to that..."

"You'd what?" Dina frowned, staring at her incredulity. "You wanna go be some fucking martyr?"

"Dina," Ellie warned, looking at her sternly. "I couldn't let them hurt anyone. I'm not saying that-"

Dina laughed, an edge to the tone as she stood to her feet, pacing in front of Ellie before stopping and raising her hand to her forehead. "You'd fucking go again?"

"If it meant you and JJ would be safe." Ellie said honestly, her tone wavering slightly at the implication.

"Get out." Dina growled, pointing to the door.

Ellie opened her mouth to argue but was quick to close it. She wasn't sure how to make her understand. She glanced at her glass and the liquid inside before raising it to her lips and finishing it off. Placing the glass down she rose to her feet, turning to start for the door. She only turned back when she realized Koby wasn't following her and he wouldn't as he was sat firmly at Dina's feet. She rose her eyes to Dina's who was looking back at her with guarded eyes and arms folded defensively across her chest.

Ellie opened the door, stepping through and slamming it closed behind her. She thought she hadn't intended to slam it, but there was no other explanation for how much the house had rattled if there was no intention.

She found herself in the same situation as earlier, hands stuffed deep into her pockets, her hood pulled up and her head bowed. She really wished she remembered to take her jacket, it was colder now and the wind elicited goosebumps as it whipped at her skin, feeling like tiny cuts.

"Fuck." She muttered under her breath and shook her head. 

Why couldn't Dina understand? She must know that she would do whatever it takes to keep them safe even if it came down to the fact she might have to leave without a fight if that meant no one would be hurt, that they wouldn't be hurt.

She knew what the fireflies were like, understood how they worked and if they came at her with half as much vengeance as Abby did for Joel then they wouldn't stop until they had what they wanted. She didn't doubt that they would do what was necessary to get her to go and that put Dina and JJ in immediate danger.

She frowned, stalking through the dark streets unsure where so was going, quickly realized she had been walking long enough to double back around and passing Dina's house. She shook her head and kept walking.

Ellie wished she knew what was going on, if only she knew that much she could formulate a plan or two to tackle it. If she knew that that was what was going to happen then she could come up with something that would counter it and keep everyone safe but she didn't know what was going to happen. She couldn't see into the future and know exactly what was going to happen and how to fix everything.

Joel had really fucked up by doing what he did, losing his life for saving hers. She used to wish that he had just left her and let her be the cure that would have given her life meaning but things were different now. She was thankful that he had saved her knowing now that she could have a full life. 

She had battled the feelings of resentment for a long time after she felt out, the guilt and anger strangling her every day as she daydreamed of a world where they had made a cure, a world where they no longer had to fear the infected, where they could begin to build the civilization they should have had before the world went to shit.

Ellie never saw herself in that world, knowing she had seen and done too much to entertain being a part of it, she just wouldn't fit into such softness. 

Older now, she knew exactly what she wanted from her life. She had found that with Dina on the farm and she was sure she could find it again back here in Jackson with her and JJ. It wasn't the place that gave her that sense of hope, it was who she was with that mattered. This time could be different, she wasn't carrying around the baggage she had before. 

She could look at what had happened with some clarity now. She regretted it, every day she regretted it, but back then she had to leave. If she had stayed she would have lost everything and continued to become a shell of who she was. Dina didn't deserve that, loving someone who wasn't complete enough to reciprocate her love in a way that she deserved.

She would have kept spiraling down, becoming a walking zombie just going through the motions of her day to day life until she couldn't anymore. 

Ellie loved Dina, wholly, and completely and made an effort every day to not let her see what was happening to her. She knew she did though, on those occasions she would look up and see her staring, sympathy buried deeply behind her eyes. She knew that every time she talked about Jesse and consciously avoided the subject of Joel after she had pressed the matter one too many times.

Going after Abby was a mistake but it had been her mistake to make. 

Choosing to spare her life had been a decision that allowed her to keep who she truly was. If she had killed her she was certain that she would never have been able to return to Jackson, return to Dina with the blood on her hands. It had shown her that there was still a part of her that was good and light, and not everything about her was darkness and anger and disappointment.

So while leaving the farm had taken everything she had loved, it had saved her for everything that loved her.

Ellie sighed, finding herself again at Dina's door. 

Dina didn't want her here, having sent her away but she couldn't leave, this was the only place she wanted to be, the only place she wanted to go and she couldn't walk away anymore, even at her request, not without some sort of fight. 

She raised her fist to knock before dropping her hand and turning away to leave before stopping herself.

She turned back to the door, raising her fist only to once again pause. She sighed louder, mentally willing herself to just knock but her body wouldn't allow it.

All she had to do was hit her knuckles against the wood', just once she reasoned her hand hovering closer, and Dina would hear but she wasn't certain it would be a good thing, couldn't convince herself that Dina would be happy on the other side. She wasn't sure if Dina would send her away again or not and the indecisiveness killed her. Either way, she had to come back she didn't want to run away anymore.

She didn't quite know what she was going to say, but she was here and she was trying.

Just as her knuckles were about to make contact with the wood there was a click and the door swung open revealing a solemn Dina. Ellie dropped her hand and tilted her head to the side, sad green eyes meeting their brown counterpart.

Dina didn't yell, she didn't curse her name or scream, only stepped forward and fell into her arms, clutching at the back of her shirt tightly afraid that if she let go she might disappear for good but she had come back. 

She had left but she had also come back.

"I'm sorry." Ellie spoke softly, resting her cheek on the top of her girlfriend's head, hugging her tightly to her body.

"You're not fucking going anywhere." Dina breathed, the words muffled against her position on Ellie's neck. "Do you understand me?"

Ellie exhaled and closed her eyes, allowing herself to feel the ragged breaths of the shorter girl in her arms.

"Do you understand, Ellie?" Dina asked again, pulling away to look her in the eyes.

Ellie furrowed her brow but nodded, the fire in Dina's eyes burning her soul.

"Because I'm not letting you do that again."

"Dina, I choose you." Ellie whispered, keeping their eyes locked together. " I want to stay here with you if you still want me."

Dina cupped her face, pulling her desperately to her lips where she met her in a greedy kiss that left her head spinning. Pulling away she dropped her hand to her chest, pressing her palm flat against it and feeling the pounding underneath.

"We can't keep doing that." Dina said weakly. "You can't keep shouldering the burden on your own."

"Dina, I need you to know that I'd do whatever I could to keep you and JJ safe." Ellie began with a small shake of her head, reaching up to lay her hand over Dina's. "I can't let anything happen to you." She finished, pulling Dina's hand to her lips she gave it a soft kiss, holding her eyes.

"And I can't let anything happen to you. We can't lose you again, Ellie." she shook her head, her small frame trembling.

Ellie took a deep breath, moving Dina's hand from her lips to her cheek and leaned into the touch. "Alright..." she exhaled.

"Alright?" Dina repeated unsure, needing the confirmation.

"If something happens I just need you to trust me though, okay?" Ellie asked.

"What are you talking about?" Dina questioned back, shaking her head in confusion.

"If I have to go, I need you to trust that I'll come back."

"Ellie doesn't make any sense."

Ellie searched her eyes, trying to search for the words to make her understand. "You know I'm never going to leave you again, right? This is my home, you're my home."

"Ellie..." Dina breathed, closing her eyes. "I still worry about it sometimes. I do trust you but..."

Ellie gave a small nod, understanding her reasoning without it even being said but that didn't mean that the implications still didn't hurt.

"Don't misunderstand me, Ellie," Dina warned, opening her eyes to look back at hers.

"I know." Ellie offered a small reassuring smile. "It'll take time to earn it back."

"I still wake up wondering some times if you're still here, in Jackson. Or if you'll come back from patrol. I woke up this morning wondering if you would still be in my bed. I know it's stupid, you come back every time but I'm worried you'll decide to just not come back one day."

Ellie hummed, pursing her lips as she thought. "I'll come back every time."

"Promise?" Dina asked, dropping her hands and tugging at the front of Ellie's shirt.

"I promise." Ellie nodded in affirmation. "Nothing can keep me away from coming home to you, from coming home to JJ."

"Alright." Dina nodded back, swallowing the saliva in her mouth. "Then let's talk about it. Let's talk about what's going on and figure it out. No more anger, no more running away?"

Ellie exhaled and gave a small, crooked smile as she took Dina's hand in her own and lead her back over to the couch. "Okay."

They both sat down again, Ellie watching as Dina's trembling hand came down to rest on her thigh. She mentally kicked herself for walking out on her, regardless of whether or not she was told to, it was still a decision she didn't have to make nor follow through with. She wanted to reach out and pull her into a tight embrace, one that would will her to stop shaking but knew that it wasn't the right time. 

"You think the fireflies are looking for something?" Dina finally asked, unable to take the silence, unable to take the way Ellie was staring at her.

"I don't think that camp was just one person who just happened to be a past firefly. It wasn't like the dog tag I have of Riley's..." Ellie spoke thoughtfully, allowing her mind to wander for just a moment to her fallen friend. "This one was different. It was new."

Dina thought back to the camp, how obvious it was that the people who left it were set out for a long trek, wondering if they should have waited to see if they would have returned. At least then they would have had some kind of answers, like if they were friendly or not or even what they wanted. Anything that would have eased the burden on Ellie's mind.

"I've never seen one like that before." Ellie reiterated.

"Okay... but what if it's just that they are looking to rebuild their numbers? Like all the other factions. What if they don't even know the old ways? You said Joel killed most of them..." Dina trailed off, unsure if she should mention his name again or what he had done. When Ellie didn't respond she relaxed a little.

"He didn't kill them all, Abby knew. The group she was with knew. They came after him because they knew what he had done. What if there were more like them?" Ellie asked, gesturing to the side with her hand.

"But they didn't come after you because you were immune, Ellie. They came after Joel because of what he did." Dina shook her head, reaching out to place her hand on Ellie's knee. "You're safe here."

"Yeah." Ellie nodded, more firmly this time. "Yeah, maybe you're right. I just have this sinking feeling I can't shake."

"Just because things are going good doesn't mean that something bad is going to happen, you know?" Dina asked, watching her face closely for any signs of distress she was missing. 

Ellie gave a small huff in response. "Are you sure? 'Cause I don't really have a good track record of that not happening."

"I know, but you think too much." Dina said softly with a tilt of her head, giving her thigh a tight squeeze. "Things are going to stay good. So maybe try not to."

Ellie gave a small laugh. "Easier said than done."

Ellie looked down at Dina's hand on her knee, studying the curves of her hand, the way her knuckles protruded, and the gentle lines of the bones that ran from them to how soft her skin was, nothing like her own rough calloused hands. 

Ellie wanted to believe Dina, she really did but there was just something that wasn't sitting quite right and she couldn't move that feeling. She wanted to be wrong more than anything she wanted to be wrong but her gut feelings hadn't been wrong before.

Still, for now, she was here and she was safe, they were safe and that's all that mattered. 

Reaching down she placed her hand over the top of Dina's, looking up she mustered up a reassuring smile. Tomorrow she would go and see Tommy and Maria and talk it through with them now that they all had time to think and decide what would happen. She wasn't sure she could take the waiting and the wondering.

"So... do you want to go to bed, then?" Dina asked a quirk to her brow. "I'll make it so you don't think so much."

Ellie watched long enough for her pursed lips to tug a little at the corner into a lopsided smirk and allowed Dina to take her hand, pulling her body towards hers.


	36. Chapter 36

Ellie awoke next to Dina, for once JJ not wedged between them. In the last couple of weeks, he had seemed to be sleeping better, being more settled on the nights Ellie put him to bed and she definitely used that as an angle to get to stay over more nights than she ought to have.

Dina didn't seem to mind though, and if she did she didn't say it or show it.

She rolled on to her side, her eyes settling on Dina's peaceful face, soft snores escaping her barely parted lips and Ellie smiled. Dina's snoring didn't always sound this cute, but even at her worst, she wouldn't have preferred to sleep anywhere else.

She reached out, running her palm over the smaller woman's face, using her thumb to caress her cheek. When she didn't stir she slipped her hand into her hair, dragging her body closer to hers and pressing her lips to her forehead.

Ellie noticed her breathing had changed, sounds no longer escaping her mouth but still, she moved her lips to Dina's temple, then her cheek and finally her nose and when she pulled away Dina scrunched it up, the smile she was trying to hold back spreading infectiously to her cheeks.

"Morning, sleepy." Ellie mumbled, dropping her head back to the pillow to watch her girlfriend wake.

Dina only groaned in response, choosing to keep her eyes closed but reaching at her hands to grasp Ellie's shirt, tugging her closer to her body. When she got her own way she wrapped her arms around her, climbing on top of her and becoming dead weight.

Ellie laughed, wheezing a little at the new weight on her chest as she wrapped her hands around her waist, holding her firmly in place.

"It's too early to get up." She mumbled grumpily.

"That's my line." Ellie grinned, sneaking her hand up the back of Dina's neck, tracing a delicate line up the skin and when she shuddered in her arms she laughed.

"Shush now. We must sleep." she demanded, furrowing her brows, her eyes still shut tightly.

Ellie dropped her hands back down to her waist and gave her a gentle shake. "You know I have to get up, I've got to go out on patrol today. No being lazy for me and you have patrol too, you know."

Dina released another very exaggerated groan and finally opened her eyes, shifting her body until her hips nestled between Ellie's legs and she folded her arms on her chest, resting her chin on them as she watched her girlfriend.

"You're sick. I think you have a fever." she pouted.

Ellie chuckled. "I've already used that one, remember? I don't think Maria would fall for it again."

"Then I'm sick."

"Used that one too." Ellie smiled with a raised brow.

Dina sighed, the pout never leaving her mouth as she continued watching her girlfriend, not being able to keep up the facade when she smiled back at her. "Alright, I guess I can share you for a day."

"Oh, really? I need your permission now?" Ellie challenged.

"Mhmm. Maybe even a signed permission slip." she offered with a small nod. "You're mine."

"I'm yours." Ellie affirmed as she placed her hands behind her head, turning her attention to the ceiling.

It took a moment longer but Dina finally lifted herself off Ellie's body, leaning down to give her a quick kiss before she lifted herself off the bed.

Ellie watched her keenly as she padded across the floor to the door wearing only a t-shirt and underwear.

"Hey." Ellie said softly before she disappeared from her view.

"Yeah, babe?" Dina asked, pausing to lean against the door frame.

Ellie continued to watch her, her eyes dropping to take in her entire body before moving back to her face. A blush graced her pale cheeks and she smiled, sincere and wide.

"Why don't we do something this weekend? Like, the three of us... Go to the lake or something. It's all frozen over now." Ellie began, locking her hands tighter behind her head and feeling as nervous as if she were asking Dina out on a first date. "It looked really pretty when I passed it the other day and well, JJ could slip around on the ice."

Dina smiled and tilted her head to the side. "I'm sure JJ would love that. I'd really love that."

"Good." Ellie grinned, finally sitting up in the bed.

Dina took one final look at her, her cheeks sore from smiling so intensely before she turned around and headed towards the bathroom.

"Hey, do you have anything for a headache?" Ellie yelled as she raised from the bed, stretching her arms high above her head.

"Yeah, in the bedside table." Dina yelled back.

Stretching her neck out, she shuffled over to the draw and opened it, shifting a few things around to try and locate what she was after until her eyes took note of a black book. She reached her hand out and ran her fingertips over top of the worn but familiar cover.

Why did Dina have this?

She swallowed the lump in her throat and delicately lifted it out, bringing up her other hand to flick through the torn, tear-stained pages and when she reached the last page she took a deep breath. She ran her fingers over the page, feeling as if the picture itself would burn her skin. She hadn't intended anyone to see this, let alone Dina. No one needed to be privy to her innermost fuck up thoughts, or what she had planned on her return to Jackson.

"Ellie, wait I can get- Dina said panicked, rushing to the doorway before she paused.

Elie slowly turned around, finally tearing her eyes away from the pages and up to Dina, feeling the familiar warmth of anger rising in her chest that she couldn't push down even if she wanted to.

"Where did you get this?" She asked, her voice breaking in disbelief.

"Ellie..." Dina said quietly, taking a tentative step towards her.

"Where did you get this, Dina?" She asked again this time more forcefully, with a strong shake of her head that stopped Dina in her tracks.

"It was on you when they brought you back to Jackson." She admitted, her voice small like a scared child.

"Why do you have it?" She pressed, waving the journal in her direction.

"I took it.." she whispered, swallowing the lump in her throat and looking down.

"Why?" Ellie snapped through gritted teeth.

"Because... You just left, Ellie." she trailed off, failing to find any authority to her voice.

"And that means you can go through my shit? That you take my shit?" she asked angrily, snapping the diary closed and waving it between them. "This was mine and you stole it."

"Ellie... I'm sorry." she mumbled, looking to the ground. "I wanted to give it back, I just didn't know how to."

Ellie opened her mouth to argue but instead closed it and took a deep breath. She tossed the journal onto the bed and quickly started for the door, shaking off Dina's hand when she grasped her arm. Nothing she could say would matter, she felt her trust had been betrayed but more than anything she was scared. Scared of what Dina had seen, of what she had known from what was inside that book.

Is that why she kept JJ away from her for so long?

She bounded down the stairs, hitting the bottom as Dina called her name and she ignored it knowing she had just ruined any progress they had made but she couldn't help it, fear creeping it's way deep into her bones as she made for the front door and slammed it closed behind her.

She had spent months wondering what had happened to her diary, it was easy to decide that it had just fallen from her belongings on the outer walls and no one could link it back to her but knowing Dina had had it all along was something she didn't know how to cope with. Everything she had written on her trip to Santa Barbara and everything she had written on her way back was in there. Her hopes, her dreams, failures, and shortcomings, everything was there.

As she stormed through the streets towards the main gate to head for her patrol she quickly realized she didn't care about Dina seeing all that, she didn't mind Dina knowing the fact that every day she was away she just wanted to be home. That the further she got the more she regretted leaving her behind. That she could live with. It was her last entry that haunted her, the boxes burning a hole through her draw at home. She remembered the fits she had thrown over them, the tears that she had shed because she could never give them to her, and Dina had known all along.

Dina knew her intentions to make everything up to her and still, she chose to push her away.

She shook her head, every time the anger seemed to be beginning to dissipate, it would come right back and drown her senses again. When she thought about heading back and apologizing, talking about it like adults and she would pause in the street with the intention to turn around she couldn't do it, she would remember that Dina had stolen from her but more importantly had kept such a big secret from her.

Because that's what this really was about. Ellie didn't care that Dina knew everything in there, it didn't matter to her and she would have gladly told Dina anything written down, she even would have allowed her to read it if she had asked, but the fact that she had kept this a secret from her for so long was inexcusable. She wasn't even sure how she did it, she had had plenty of opportunities to tell her about it.

She continued forward, heading for the stables to ready Callus for her patrol and leaving the gate before anyone could stop and talk to her.

Ellie gripped Callus' reigns loosely in her hands absentmindedly, both thinking about Dina and JJ and whether or not this weekend would still going to go ahead though she couldn't forget the fact that Dina had stolen and kept a big secret from her. Regardless of how angry she felt she couldn't help but think about how mad Dina would have been that she had just stormed out again. She liked to think that she had a good reason to this time though, but would Dina think so? Her heart broke when she thought about Dina sitting at home upset or out on patrol seething at the thought of her, cursing her name for giving her another chance.

She had really wanted to do something special for Dina, something that would show her that she couldn't stop thinking about her, that her family was the most important thing in her life but she had already fucked that up today. She was angry but she definitely could have handled that better especially when she was constantly reminding herself that she wanted to be better but every time she did something stupid like this.

Maybe she would forever be all talk and no results.

She shook her head clear, knowing she couldn't think like that anymore. She had fought for Dina because she loved her and she wanted to be with her and she was certain now that Dina wanted to be with her too. She couldn't ignore that and she couldn't run away because Dina had made a decision when she was hurt, she didn't want to be that person anymore.

She had love and she had a family, did she really want to throw that away over an old journal?

Ellie didn't think it was worth it.

Nodding to herself she kicked Callus' side, urging him forward so she could finish her patrol and head home.

* * *

When she walked Callus back to the stables, she nodded in acknowledgment to men on watch at the wall. She took her time setting Callus up for the cold night, placing his warmest blanket over his body and giving him more food. She wanted to rush home but knew she needed to think about what she was going to say, refusing to let her temper get the better of her again. If she had a plan in her head and knew what she was going to say, maybe if she got upset she could fall back on that instead of walking away.

It was a long shot but it was worth a try if it helped her mend things with Dina.

She was so deep in thought and engrossed with what she was doing she almost hadn't heard the commotion, barely paying enough attention to notice the people running to the gate around her. It was the silence at first that got her, when before there had been commotion and people whispering and hurrying about, soon there was nothing. It took a moment for her to click how strange that silence had been, thick and eery, and something that felt no good. When she finally turned around she furrowed her brow, stepping out of the stall to get a better look as Maria and Tommy made their way, pushing their way through the crowd that had gathered to figure out what was going on.

Ellie knew that seeing them look so serious and concerned wasn't a good sign, let alone them making their way to the gate at this hour.

She shifted out of the stables, following the path in their stead, and when Ellie finally reached a point where she could see she watched as Jack walked around freely, behind him people he hadn't seen before, strangers that shouldn't have been allowed inside the walls without Maria or Tommy's permission. She assumed he didn't have it because Ellie knew nothing about it and surely this was something they would have told her considering how weary they all were of any newcomers until they had settled into life in the walls. She tried to look at them, really look at them, and see if she could recognize them or something that they were wearing that would give them away but she couldn't figure it out, there was too much happening for her to be able to focus on any one thing.

But whatever it was, Jack seemed to be at the helm of it and that made her feel more unsettled than anything.

She stared confused before pushing forward more until she could see that these strangers held people tightly in front of them as their prisoners, there was no confusing their intentions as they held them with guns pressed to their bodies or arms looped around their necks. She blinked, slowly at first but then quicker as she tried to make sense of it because none of it made sense. Why would Jack allow these people in their walls?

It was then her eyes settled on that familiar olive skin her stomach dropped, the frown settling deep on her face when she noticed the trickle of blood that seeped down her temple.

"They just want Ellie." Jack explained with a shake of his head and the anger beginning to course through her body almost drowned it from her ears.

"Dina!" Ellie yelled, shoving her way forward to move to past Tommy and head to Dina only to be stopped by his arm.

"Ellie, don't!" Dina screamed back, fighting as one of the men covered her mouth with his hand.

Ellie snarled, her eyes settling back on Jack as she tried to catch up on the situation because she was still confused. Why did Jack want her?

"That's not going to happen." Tommy replied with a stern shake of his head. "We're not going to give you one of our own."

"Just what do you want?" Maria asked, her hand resting on her pistol at her side, ready to draw it at any sign of escalation. "We will give you whatever you want as long as you let them go and leave."

"I'm afraid that's just not going to cut it. Just give them Ellie." Jack replied to her, a sick smirk plastered on his face. "That's all they want."

"And just what do you think you're doing?" Tommy asked Jack with a growl, his eyes fixed firmly to his. "You're one of us."

"I was never one of you. She made sure of that." he sneered, gesturing with the gun in his hand to Ellie.

"We took you in." Tommy spat in disgust.

"I don't want anyone to get hurt." Jack said with an arched brow, gesturing to the captive girls behind him with the gun in his hand before running a hand through his hair and slicking his fringe back. "They promised they won't hurt anyone as long as Ellie goes with them."

"And just who the hell are they?" Tommy questioned, taking a confident step forward towards him before a gun was drawn and aimed at him and he threw his hands up in defense.

"She knows." Jack grinned, big and wide as he gestured with his head towards Ellie. "Just give her up, Tommy."

"I said that ain't happening." Tommy growled.

"Alright then." Jack smirked again, turning to the men and giving one of them a nod.

He allowed Dina to fall from his hands and she fell forward, dropping to her hands and knees and in one swift movement he swung his leg forward, burying his boot hard into her stomach causing her to groan and fall forward into the ground, her breathing becoming ragged and uneven as she tried to catch her breath from the blow.

"Don't you fucking touch her." Ellie screamed surging forward only to be grabbed and held back by Tommy.

She fought and struggling against his strong arms, the painful gasps from Dina piercing her ears.

"Stop." he whispered in her ear through clenched teeth, working to hold her tightly to his body but losing his grip as she flailed around.

"Fucking stop!" Ellie yelled, elbowing Tommy in the gut and scurrying forward when he dropped her.

Again Ellie moved forward, stopping in her tracks when Jack raised the gun towards her. She met his now cold blue eyes and she frowned, deciding if it was worth rushing him, whether or not she could make it to him before he pulled the trigger. He gave her a cocky smile and tilted his head to the side, cocking the safety on his gun as if he could read her mind. With a growl, she raised her hands to the air.

Ellie glared at him, her eyes darting around to the men in front of her, counting each one and figuring out what weapon they had on them. She tried to figure out a way that she could save everyone but there was no way she could do it without anyone getting her. The only thing she knew was that they wanted her, presumably alive or they would have just killed her already. With that thought on her mind, she took a step forward, chancing the fact that she might have been able to make a little more ground.

Jack only looked over his shoulder and Ellie immediately froze as he signaled the guy again and he pulled his foot back again in response, ready to deliver another blow to Dina's side.

"Stop." Ellie pleaded. "I'll fucking go! Just don't touch her."

"Ellie. No!" Dina yelled weakly with as much strength as she could muster, attempting to push her body on to her hands and knees.

"I'll fucking go, alright." Ellie repeated, meeting Jack's eyes when he turned back to face her and noticing the sadistic smile on his face.

After what felt like hours of staring each other down he looked over his shoulder, signaling for the man to stop and he took his position behind Dina again.

"Toss the gun" he motioned towards the weapon in her back pocket.

Slowly she did what she was told, never taking her eyes off Dina as she sobbed, pleaded for her not to do what he asked but she couldn't listen, she couldn't allow her to get hurt because of her and this was the only way that no one would get hurt.

"Get on your knees." he demanded with authority, motioning to the ground.

With a growl she dropped into the snow to her knees, the dampness immediately soaking into her jeans and causing the dull ache of being chilled. Jack cautiously approached her but she could only watch as Dina weakly moved to raise to her feet and come towards her, only to be stopped by the same guard who roughly grabbed her.

"Dina!" Ellie yelled again, shifting to move back to her feet to go to her aid.

She felt the pain in the side of her temple, the hilt of Jack's gun hitting her cleanly in the side of the head and she fell to the ground. The sound of Dina screaming knocking her out of her daze and she groaned, managing to push herself up to her hands and knees.

Next a boot came cleanly into her ribs and knocked all the air from her lungs. She gasped for breath, the cool winter air making it impossible for her to catch her breath but she still kept trying like a fish out of water. She again tried to lift herself to her feet, this time as she made it to her knees a fist connected with her cheek and she fell again to her hands and knees, blood pooling to the clean snow underneath her as she heaved.

She looked up, watching Dina distraught on the ground.

Jack crouched down beside her, resting his hands on his knees. "Look, I really don't want to be the villain here. Spare her the despair and let's just go without any more of this nonsense."

She snarled, coughing as she spat the blood in her mouth to the ground by his feet before wiping at her mouth with her arm, blood smearing her bare skin. She looked at Dina, trying to convey everything she could with the one stare, how sorry she was for everything, how she wanted her to stop fighting so she too wouldn't be hurt but she wasn't sure if she did it, Dina only staring at her in terror.

Ellie nodded, finally being allowed to stand to her feet. She looked back over her shoulder at Tommy and Maria, pure rage painted across their aged skin. She wanted to tell them to allow her to go, to not come after her but she couldn't speak, she hoped they would just understand. She gave them a small nod before turning back to Jack.

"I'll go, I won't fight." she said softly, defeated.

"You won't fucking get away with this, Jack." Tommy bellowed, fists tightly clenched at his side.

"The lady said she wants to go." he said with a short laugh. "So let's go."

Ellie bowed her head, feeling his gun pressed firmly into her back and she took her first step forward followed by another as she headed towards the gate. She barely looked up, catching Dina's eye as she reached her side.

"Don't fucking say anything to her." Jack growled in her ear.

She nodded and looked back down, the sounds of Dina's painful sobs wracking her body but as she passed she whispered to her, instructed her where to look, earning the butt of a gun into her shoulder blades and she fell forward with a groan, Dina being held back as she tried to lunge forward, screaming at Jack that she was going to kill him.

Ellie rose to her feet and continued forward, doing her best to drown out Dina's cries of protest and declared hatred.


	37. Chapter 37

Dina felt as if she was on autopilot as she allowed Maria to guide her home. All she could picture was Ellie's face, the same determination behind her eyes that she had come to both love and loathe because she knew it meant she was about to do something stupid to help someone else at the expense of her own safety. She saw her smile, her words of reassurance, and then she saw her beaten into the snow, her blood staining it red beneath her.

She couldn't talk. She could barely think as she replayed everything through her head trying to find that one decisive moment where she could have done something different to change the outcome. Whether she could have spoken up or struggled more, she even could have pleaded with him not to hurt her but she didn't do it. One look into Ellie's eyes told her not to and she understood why but she should have fought for her, Ellie would have for her.

She wished she could have had the foresight to have seen it coming. In no way did she see that her bitter ex could have done something like this. He had been a good guy. He had been kind to her and he had treated both her and her son well. She had expected him to be upset after they broke up, but nothing like this. Had he always been capable of this?

"Dina." Maria whispered, shifting her hand to grip her arm. "It's going to be okay." she said as surely as she could but Dina wasn't sure how she could be.

Ellie had been taken and nobody knew where or what their intentions for her were.

She allowed Maria to lead her inside of her house, Koby with his head low closely followed behind her. Their house. They had only been back together for a short while but wherever Ellie was felt like home to her and the fact that they had only just begun to get back on the right track meant nothing to her, she was her family and this was their home. Maria was speaking but she couldn't make sense of it. Something about doing everything they could to bring her home, or for Dina to not do anything stupid. Everything was blurring together to the point that she couldn't understand so she just nodded, anything to get her to go and leave her to her own thoughts.

She loved Maria. She did what she could for the people of Jackson and she always went above and beyond to do so at times, especially when it came to Ellie. She saw a lot of Ellie in the older woman and had no doubts that one day Ellie would step up and be the leader the town needed when Maria no longer could be and there was no way Maria didn't have the same idea. Clearly, she was grooming her to be her successor as much as Ellie was clueless to that point. She wondered how she would react when she found out, how much of a fight she would put up and how long she would pretend like it wasn't for her.

Dina sat down on the couch and when the door shut, it shook the entire house and her own body to its core, signaling Maria had finally left.

She was alone again.

It was cruel and only Ellie's departure could make her feel the complete and utter hopelessness that sat in the pit of her stomach. It was almost the same feeling as the first time, though this time she hadn't wanted to leave.

She leaned forward, burying her face in her hands as she began to sob but no more tears would come. Her eyes were already too red and raw from the tears she had shed after collapsing into the snow when they had allowed her her freedom and from the long walk back. She hated it, the way that the news traveled so fast through the town that they looked at her with such pity like they knew that Ellie was always going to leave her again. The town had grown to love Ellie and everything that she did for them but they always warned her that she wasn't the kind of person to stick around, that she would just end up breaking her heart over again. At first, she had heeded their advice, keeping a cautious distance but as the weeks wore on she couldn't deny the gravitational pull she had towards her. She tried to fight it but as much as she hated to admit it some things were just meant to be and they were one of them. She wanted to prove them all wrong, to show them that Ellie had changed and they needed to give her the chance she deserved. They had just started to do that and just like it always seemed to be, the world was against them and it was cruelly taken away. She tried to cry, she really did but when she pulled away and looked down at her hands they were completely dry yet her body continued to be wracked with painful spasms and she couldn't catch her breath, every time she thought she came close it would get caught in her throat and she'd be back at the beginning again. When she had been on the verge of this before Ellie had been there for her, offering comforting words or rubbing her back in the way she knew that she liked. Since Ellie had been back she had taken all those things for granted and she would kill to have them back now.

As Dina lifted her head, her eyes painfully saw from losing her again, she clenched her hands, digging her nails firmly into her palms. The complete and utter hopelessness she felt before was now filled with rage slowly burning its way through her chest. She stared intently ahead and for a second almost lost her composure as she wondered if this was what Ellie felt when she desired revenge so deeply. The urge to leave everything behind and hunt down the people that had both taken at hurt her was screaming in the back of her mind, a constant pressure telling her she needed to go and she needed to go now because Ellie would have done it for her. She knew the situation was different, Ellie hadn't been going after her when she decided to leave, she had been going after someone else but she felt as if she understood her a little more than she had back then. Losing someone close to you made you do wreckless things sometimes.

There was a gentle whine and she felt wetness nudge her hands. When she looked down Koby stood there looking up at her, his eyes big and full of worry.

Dina exhaled, feeling her eyes water again as she released her grip on her own hand and dug her fingers through Koby's fur. When he whined again she found herself whispering reassuringly to him before leaning down and pressing her lips firmly to the top of his head.

She promised she would bring Ellie back.

Swiftly she rose to her feet, remembering the words Ellie had spoken to her and she started for the door, Koby nipping at her heels.

_"Don't follow. Look in my top draw. "_

When she arrived she quickly threw open Ellie's door, peering at the surroundings before her. It was just like her for her place to be in disarray and this time was no different but her words still echoed on her mind and without much thought she found herself being drawn to the drawers. She paused in front of it, reaching her hands tentatively out to run her fingers over the wood of it and when she closed her eyes she could picture the countless hours Ellie spent here drawing or playing the guitar or just hanging out. Things had been simpler back then before they had to quickly grow up.

She swallowed the lump in her throat as she dropped her hand to the handle and slowly she worked the drawer out. Sitting on top of her drawings and scraps of papers sat a little square box. She furrowed her brow delicately taking it in her hand and turning it in her palm. She knew what was in here, she had read about it on the last pages of Ellie's journal. She took a deep breath, tears prickling her eyes as she opened it up. Inside were two plain silver bands, one slightly thinner than the other. She took the smaller of the two between her fingers and set the box down, placing the ring on her finger and sliding it down, admiring the metal on her finger.

Dina hadn't come from a world where people were bound by the sanctity of marriage. From what she knew of it she deemed it an archaic notion of one's togetherness with their partner that had no business being in today's world. These days you were lucky to find love, let alone have that love last long enough to even consider being bound by a promise of forever. This world was cruel and unforgiving and most didn't last long enough to even find the one that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with.

She had listened to some of the older people talk about their past lives, of loves that they had lost to this new world as they fiddled with rings on their fingers. At the time she didn't think it practically, it could get caught on something and injure you but the more she listened and the more she thought about it the more she realized that she wanted that old ideal of love as much as she pretended she didn't. It was scary to offer yourself so entirely to someone only to be rejected but she wanted something like that with someone else.

There was a time she thought that it could be with Jesse but as their relationship progressed it didn't feel like it should, like it had been described to her and she forgot about it altogether. But after reading Ellie's journal and feeling immense anger towards the written notion because she realized what could have been. The way she felt about her and with her, she could have had it all but Ellie hadn't felt the same way about her.

Except she had, she just had a terrible way of expressing it and the damage had already been done.

The cold of the metal instantly warmed with her skin and at that moment it felt as if having it was the most natural thing in the world, that she had worn it for an eternity and she would continue to wear it for an eternity more.

She was in love with Ellie and had been for as long as she could remember.

* * *

When Ellie came to her eyes were blurry. She blinked as hard as she could but the fog wouldn't clear. She had a splitting headache and by the cracking her skin felt when her face contorted in anguish she knew that the culprit of that headache had been bleeding and had since dried. She at least knew she had been out for a while.

It took a moment for her to gain her bearings, every time she blinked she was able to see a little more of her surroundings.

She was so tired but every time her eyes threatened to close she forced them to open, only for them to droop again. She couldn't sleep, she knew from Dina that if she had a concussion and she did that she might not ever wake up. She groaned as she struggled against the restraints that bound her wrists. No amount of work could get them loose and she could feel the friction cutting into her wrists.

Ellie slowly pieced together what had happened as she continued to struggle but she felt weak, more weak and helpless than she had in a long time.

She missed Dina and she missed JJ and she missed home. The thoughts were slowly twisting her mind and her emotions were getting the best of her.

Her eyes stung and she wanted to cry. Finally, she had found happiness again with the woman she loved and it cruelly had been ripped away from her.

She couldn't think of anything else but her, any thoughts of escape eluding her as she pictured her smile and allowed her eyes to close.

When she awoke again she was being roughly tugged forward, her limbs scraping against the right wood of the card she had been tossed into surely leaving splinters in her already aching flesh. The sudden bright light was too much for her and the movement left her needing to hurl but she swallowed it back.

Ellie attempted to speak, to tell whoever it was who was manhandling her to fuck off, to just leave her alone and allow her to sleep but all that came out was a weak dry rasp making her realize just how thirsty she was and suddenly that was all she could think about.

Then she was being tossed forward, down to the ground from a height she didn't know but the fall continued to make her stomach lurch. Her cheek made a sickening sound as it collided with the dry earth and she spluttered, heaving to catch her breath from all the air being knocked from her lungs but only pulling more dirt into her mouth making her choke further.

"Get up." The gruff voice commanded, cutting the bindings on her hands loose.

She tried to move but all the strength in her arms left her and she fell back to the ground.

"I said get up." They growled again, a sharp pain piercing Ellie's side as they delivered a swift kick.

She couldn't move and she couldn't speak, only groaning as she lays there defeated, praying for them to stop. They could leave her for dead as long as they stopped.

She could feel her eyes growing heavy again and as another kick landed against her ribs her eyes closed and she passed out again.

When she came to her back was flush with the rough bark of a tree, her hands pulled behind her and bound tightly to it, trapping her in place.

She groaned as she lifted her head, every minute movement causing pain to ripple through her entire body, and even in the state she was in she knew it wasn't good. She was too weak to fight back.

She closed her eyes and bowed her head again, pretending to still be passed out but listening intently as they spoke.

"I know Jack told us we had to keep our eyes on her at all times but look." He motioned with the rifle in his hand to her still body. "She's out cold. Too pathetic to even lift her head."

It took everything in her not to argue back, not to clench her fists in anger to show him just who was pathetic.

"Do they even need her alive?" The other commented, turning to face away from her. "I heard that she's going to die anyway."

"Yeah, to get what they need they'll kill her to do it. Hear that's what made her old man flip out. Worth it, I reckon. Can't wait to be rid of these fucking infected."

"Should have taken that other girl with us too. I could have had a bit of fun with her."

"Hey." Elie rasped, lifting her chin from her chest in their direction.

They grunted in response, turning around to look for the cause of the disturbance.

"Hey." Ellie rasped again. "You fuckers."

"What did you say?" The taller of the two growled, the ground crunching beneath his feet as he sauntered over and crouched down in front of her, gripping the top of her hair to lift her head to face him. "Not so tough now, are you?"

"I said..." Ellie heaved, her chest harshly rising and falling as she took a deeper breath to continue. "Fuck you, you fuckers." It was weak and barely registered as a threat but she still managed to choke through each word.

The man scowled before his face softened and he laughed, pushing Ellie's head back down before he turned to his friend and he rose back to his feet. "Did you hear that?"

He only watched on, an unnerved expression on his face.

"You're funny." He commented, turning his attention back to her.

Without warning he pulled his boot back, swinging it forward and colliding with the side of Ellie's head with a sickening thwack.

"Hey!" the smaller of the two rushed forward to take his arm and pull him back before he could land another blow. With a huff, he rushed him and grabbed his arm pulling him back and away from her. "We were told not to harm her unnecessarily and I'm not going to be on the chopping block if anything happens to her and it fucks everything up." he finished with a growl, following with a shove. "So back off." He crouched down beside her and studied her bleeding cheek, a deep-set scowl on his face. "Look what you've fucking done."

"What are you two up to?" a stern female voice asked, a hint of uncertainty in her tone as she whipped her head around.

They were both quick to snap to attention before they sneered at her in a distrusting fashion.

"What are you doing here?" they asked back, shifting to stand closer to her.

"They sent me here because they didn't believe that you shitheads could handle it." she began, slowly at first as if she was finding the words before she finished with a certain growl.

"That doesn't sound right." the taller man replied with a shake of his head. "That message wasn't passed on."

"Why would they pass it on to you? You're literally the lowest in the pecking order." she barked back, moving past them to crouch in front of Ellie. She reached out, her rough fingers grazing against the blood on her cheek and when she pulled them away she rubbed the sticky liquid between her fingers before wiping it on her pants, arching her neck towards the two men. "You fucks are going to be in trouble for this. Honestly, can't you do anything without fucking it up?"

They grumbled under their breaths to each other before they walked off, standing just on the skirts of the camp they had made for the night and out of earshot of the two girls but still in eyesight.

"Hey." the familiar voice said, shaking her shoulder roughly to rouse her. When Ellie didn't respond she only shook her harder.

Ellie groaned as she opened her eyes enough to barely peer through them. Her face hurt and the splitting headache from before had only worsened with the pain in her cheek. Her head lulled to the side as she tried to regain her bearings but she was too disorientated to even tell which way was up. With great discomfort she lifted her head as much as she could, her eyes finally lifting enough to settle on the face of the woman in front of her. She stared for a moment, allowing her eyes to adjust, and when they still couldn't focus she narrowed her eyes, her brow deeply furrowed in confusion. She could make out the face of who she thought it was but it was impossible. She was just seeing things. The deep sense of fear was beginning to set in and she was seeing the one person who she never wanted to see again.

"Ab-" she rasped, her voice more hoarse than she thought it had ever been as her head began to spin and the nausea returned. She knew she needed to run, to get as far away from her as she could but she couldn't will her body to struggle.

Her head dropped instantly and she was out cold.

**Author's Note:**

> While I loved the game and accept it's ending, it left a void, man. Ellie and Dina deserved her happy ending so I had to write.  
> I've not written in a while so the start is quite weak but I think it gets better. I've got about 40k words already written to this story so will try and update every day or so.


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